Being Read/Outed By Children

[Christina D]

With the holidays now behind us and my fiancé having returned to work, I got to go out and take advantage of the amazing post-Christmas sales fully dressed as Christina. I had a great time overall, but there was one moment that definitely threw me.

I was at Victoria's Secret, digging through a bin of panties when I heard a little boy, probably around 7 years old, say to his mother, "Is that a boy?" I froze but didn't look over. I knew he had to be talking about me. I wasn't mad, but I was embarrassed. The mother didn't say anything, and I figured it was best to just stay where I was and wait for them to move on. I didn't want to look like I was running away.

Well, I went back to digging and a few seconds later, I felt a little tug on my coat. I knew who it was, but I had to look. I feigned a smile but said nothing. Sure enough, he asked me, "Are you a boy?" Before I could do or say anything, the mother grabbed him by the arm, looked at me and said sorry in an exasperated tone, and dragged him away.

Again, I'm not mad at the child. I get it, gender is weird and kids have no filter. I honestly believe he was just curious. Still, I had no idea how to react and even now, I don't know what I should have said or done had his mother not taken him away so quickly.

I wouldn't want to explain my gender identity to any child I don't know, not because I think they wouldn't get it, but because I wouldn't want a parent getting mad at me for talking to their child about gender, crossdressing, etc.

I guess what makes me feel the worst is that I like to think I'm very passable. Are kids just more aware of the little cues than adults? Or are adults just as aware but too polite to say anything?

What do you ladies think? Have you been outed/read by children and if so, how did you react?

[Allisa]

For some reason small children are fascinated with me and usually just stare as they hide behind someone. When in 50/50 mode or my androgyny style I get the question "are you a boy" and I just say yes and then the questions start, why do you have long hair, why do you have a purse, etc...but if presenting female they usually just smile and meekly wave and I return their smile and a little fingers wave. Most parents(usually mom)just smile and pull the child closer. Children seem to have a way of knowing and are inquisitive. If you are ever fortunate enough to encounter a parent that will let you give a basic response such as "I wear a dress because it's fun and you like to have fun too, right?" Dressing like a girl is how I have fun. If that's the worst that happens to you when out and about consider yourself fortunate. Being out and about doe's have certain responsibility's.

[Helen_Highwater]

Christina,

I had a somewhat similar experience a little while ago;

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?245048-Didn-see-that-coming&highlight=

Well, I went back to digging and a few seconds later, I felt a little tug on my coat. I knew who it was, but I had to look. I feigned a smile but said nothing. Sure enough, he asked me, "Are you a boy?" Before I could do or say anything, the mother grabbed him by the arm, looked at me and said sorry in an exasperated tone, and dragged him away.

I think you're question later on answers itself. [I]Are kids just more aware of the little cues than adults? Or are adults just as aware but too polite to say anything?/I] The mother was just too embarrassed (for both you and her) to stand there and let you answer the little boys question. had that had been me and I'd had the time/opportunity to firstly speak to the mother I like to think I'd ask her if it's okay to talk to her little boy and if yes ask him, "What do you think?". If he answers "A boy" then "That's right I am, I just dress differently". You have to be honest with kids.

I've had a couple of encounters of kids with parents and both have been positive. It goes with the turf and something that is almost inevitably going to happen to anyone who goes out into the muggle world. Stay calm and carry on.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Christina:hugs:, Out of the mouths of babes, The other day I was waiting at the Deli counter in total drab mode
with two Diamond studs and a tiny hoop in each ear and a couple small girls waiting with their mom
one of them said to her mom, "Look mom that man has earrings" I didn't let on that I heard her...:daydreaming:...

[Pat]

Kids have x-ray vision. ;) Fortunately, they also don't have an ax to grind. My girlfriend, who TS has been transitioned for 15+ years is a performer and deals with children a lot. Almost nobody meeting her thinks she is anything other than the woman she presents as. But children ask all the time, "Are you a boy or a girl?" She usually just says "I was born a boy on the outside but I was a girl on the inside. Now I'm a girl." And they generally just say, "Oh" and walk away satisfied. You can try that, if that is true for you. It's not true for me, so I can't deliver that line with sincerity. I have only gotten asked a couple of times and try to skate with a simple "No" or "No, I'm something else," depending on the way the question is asked. I'm not satisfied with that answer but the kids have accepted it so far.

[Billy]

Maybe from this point forward that little boy will want to crossdress.

[Brenda456]

Children will say or ask whatever is on their mind. As a parent, it can be a bit embarrassing. They will point out skin color, clothing and anything else that attracts their attention. Sometimes, there are teachable moments. There are other time when all you want to do is flee. . .

[Stephanie47]

Little kids are in a constant learning mode which is good. It's totally natural for them to ask questions. Of course, the adult who has had many years to learn to be discreet, non invasive, whatever you want to call it, tries to run interference. In this case I'd say the mom was trying to protect your privacy. It's not until later that kids will start to adopt the parental beliefs. Maybe later that mom held an insightful conversation with her child. My wife is a teacher and these subjects are coming up in at the elementary school level,

How to answer the child's question? I really don't know, but, do not get into a long detail analysis of gender identity. Usually a simple answer will suffice. Any psychology majors in the crowd here?

[AllieSF]

Yes, I have been outed both in female and male modes by children. If they ask a question I answer honestly with or without the parent present. As kids can see sometimes better than their parents, I sometimes think that they can also see BS better too. So, no need telling a lie, little white or big and black one. I have never had an issues with the parents either during those brief encounters.

[Tracii G]

Its happened to me a few times I just try not to act embarrassed.
Maybe just smile and say your child is adorable all the while they are trying to apologize for a rude kid LOL
It just goes with the territory so don't be surprised when it happens to you.

[Acastina]

When something similar happened to me years ago, when I was living full-time but doing handy work in an apartment, I simply asked the child, "What do you think?" The look on his face was priceless.

I think it's that kids have a rudimentary, undeveloped ability to distinguish boy-grownups from girl-grownups, and any kind of androgynous presentation challenges their mastery of the differentiating process. They also have that charming, literally childlike, lack of inhibition, so they can just blurt it out. We can't expect little kids to grasp something like transgender, so they see some things that say "boy" and some things that say "girl" and they can't sort it out.

Just this afternoon, I was out at a Trader Joe's with my long hair down under a Tilley hat and earrings, with my usual everyday light makeup, and I noticed a child of, probably 7, do a little double-take.

I took it as a compliment, that s/he didn't see a weird old guy with earrings but had to look twice. At some point, of course, we hope they look once and walk on by, convinced of what we're trying to present.

This was a significant event for you if you're just starting to venture out more. It probably won't be the last, children are pretty cool at understanding a new idea, and the parent's reaction is the most important thing to pay attention to. This mom was sorry that her child put you on the spot, and that's a common reaction. You can always just smile and say something pleasant, like, "How old is s/he?" to let Mom know you weren't offended.

[Leslie Langford]

Christina, I suppose that what happened during your encounter with that young boy is something of an "occupational hazard" every one of us "out-and-about" crossdressers faces sooner or later. Sure, the impact/realization of having been "read" - especially by someone so young and presumably clueless - stings momentarily, but if we treat it as a teachable moment that helps us perfect our female presentation and mannerisms during future outings, then we can put such an occurrence into its proper perspective.

Yes, I, too, have been there, done that, and got the T-shirt (or maybe camisole, in our case ;) ), and here is my own contribution to the present discussion which I posted on this forum some time ago:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?215577-Had-my-own-quot-Isha-Moment-quot-this-past-weekend-and-still-have-mixed-feelings-about-it&highlight=

[Christina D]

Lots of wonderful insight as usual everyone!

I like your suggestion, Helen, to put the ball in their court first and then work forward from there. As a teacher, I do that all the time; I can't believe it didn't occur to be in this situation!

Still, while I would hope (and maybe even naively assume) that a parent these days in Chicago wouldn't mind me talking to their child and answering their questions as honestly but simply as possible, I am petrified at the possibility that I would get the opposite response, that the parent would mock me, call me a pervert trying to harm their child, or even physically assault me. However, as several of you have suggested, these are the risks we take.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I think my honest reply would be,

"Sometimes I'm a boy and sometimes I'm a girl; but today I'm a girl."

[Tracii G]

You never know how the parent might react so its best not to say anything directly to the child. Too many nutty parents IMO.
Sad that it has gotten that way because I love talking and interacting with kids in public.

[IleneD]

....I like to think I'd ask her if it's okay to talk to her little boy and if yes ask him, "What do you think?". If he answers "A boy" then "That's right I am, I just dress differently". You have to be honest with kids.

Helen,

Love your responses to so many questions; wise and mature. Obviously thought out. You practically stole the words from my mouth (or keyboard).
I only had a "close call' with a pack of children attended by their mother; all kind of gawking, but not a call out. I hope that when my time comes (and it will, I believe), I have the presence of mind to NOT remain silent or run. Rather have a well thought out way of telling the honest truth, and perhaps enlightening the child AND parent. And it can be done politely without creating a scene.
Thank you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Irene,

Thanks for your kind response.

In line with this thread can I add another little encounter I posted about some time ago. I was in need of the toilet while out and about and knew there was a public "Pay to Pee" automatic cubicle not far away. When I got there, a Mom was outside with her young daughter and was digging around in her purse for the right money to gain access. Well I knew these particular type of toilets automatically locked for the evening at 16:00 and it was rapidly getting towards that time. So I offered the Mom the 20p needed as I had plenty of loose change. She offered me what few pennies she had cobbled together but I said not to bother as I knew from experience what it was like having children who needed the loo at the most awkward time.

She then said to her little girl, "Say thank you to the kind lady" which the girl did albeit with a puzzled look on her face. It then transpired that the clock had ticked past 16:00, the toilet locked so neither of us got to use it. I told the Mom to keep the 20p as she might need it elsewhere and we parted company with her offering her thanks once again.

Moral: Be nice to people and they'll be nice back.

[Krisi]

Children will say or ask whatever is on their mind. As a parent, it can be a bit embarrassing. They will point out skin color, clothing and anything else that attracts their attention. . . .

Yes they will if they haven't been taught not to. I had a friend who had lost one leg to cancer. Sure enough a kid was walking by and said (loud enough for everyone to her) "Look mommy, that man only has one leg."

At some point, most children are tough not to just let anything that goes through their heads come out their mouths. If you had been an actual woman, that would have been embarrassing and even insulting. But, you learned one thing - you didn't pass. At least to that child on that day.

What's the best answer when this happens? Admitting to being a "boy" could lead to lots of other questions. Saying "No, I'm a girl" wouldn't be the truth but it should send him on his way. And of course if you really want to confuse him (and set his parents up for a long, unwanted discussion on the subject) you could say "Sometimes I'm a girl and sometimes I'm a boy." In a way, that would be closest to the truth.

Now if an adult asked, my answer would be different. Something like "Does it matter?" An adult should know better than to ask something like that (unless he or she was a restroom attendant). Another answer might be "Is it any of your concern?" Now that reply is more likely to cause trouble than the first. You have to be aware of where you are and who you're talking to.

[sherri]

I normally avoid mainstream venues close to home, but one weekend a gurlfriend talked me into going to TJ Max with her. I was nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs but we did our shopping without incident, but as we were leaving this adorably polite little girl opened the door for us. As we passed her she looked up with wide eyes and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh!" I just gave her a wink and a smile and kept moving. As we stepped outside and the door was closing I could hear, "On my gosh, Momma, guess what, those women were men!" :-)

[Princess Chantal]

Isn't it very interesting that children could tell a crossdresser apart from a genetic female, but some crossdressers still believe that they pass as a genetic female when out and about among adults.....

[Angela010]

My anecdote is a little different. I was in drab mode in Target and took a couple of dresses to the change rooms to try on. I hadn't really noticed anyone paying much attention. A short while later as I was going through the checkout, and young boy about 3 checkouts away called out loudly "look mummy. That's the man that was trying on dresses!"
I'm sure my face went as red as the Target circle. Quickly payed for my items and hurried away trying to ignore everyone.
These days I would just laugh.

[Krisi]

Isn't it very interesting that children could tell a crossdresser apart from a genetic female, but some crossdressers still believe that they pass as a genetic female when out and about among adults.....

"Passing" is a moving target. And of course, some of us are more likely to pass than others just based on our build and features.

Sitting or standing in one place in bright light, it's going to be difficult. You are giving people a chance to study you. Walking down a crowded sidewalk or even through a crowded mall, you have a better chance. Dressing appropriately, you have a far better chance of passing.

[Lana Mae]

I don't remember where or when I read it, but a crossdresser was confronted by a child why he was dressed as a girl. The crossdressers response was," I have a boys body and a girls brain." I thought that to be a very good response to the child. The mother was relieved at the crossdresser's response to her child and that she did not have to explain it. Hugs Lana Mae

[Jenny22]

Similar posts have come up in the past. If the question is ever asked to me, I think I'd just smile at the child and say something like, "today I am a girl", and smile at the parent(s).
Does anyone remember the host Art Linkletter and his show, "Kids say the funniest things"? They surely do!

[Allison Chaynes]

As careful as I have been to hide all existence of Allison from my kids, my ten yr old son has somehow figured out that not all panties in the laundry are Mom's. I have seen zero interest in CDing from my kids but they apparently know what underwear is Dad's. I only worry that they may be at someone else's house, see something similar and say something to out me to the wrong people. We have spoken about that, but with kids you never know.

[Leslie Mary S]

Is there a chance that they smell your body pheromones for your birth body. No amount of perfume can hide it. It is also why when a male body puts on a perfume it smells different then when on a female body. At least that is what I've heard. any of you know any of this for a fact?

[Pat]

One of my favorite answers was an MtF TS who, upon being challenged in a ladies room with, "Are you a man?" Calmly looked her interrogator in the eye and said, "Not anymore." No idea if it's true, but I love the story.

Leslie -- I don't know about the perfume but it's a very common report of people in the TS part of the forum that after a period of time on hormones they realize that men have a distinctive smell which I presume they notice because they're no longer nose-blind from their own smell. I haven't experienced that yet, but clearly many have. It would be kinda cool if kids picked that up -- they sense a lot of things that they lose touch with as they age.

[Helen_Highwater]

I could go with the sensory smell hypothesis if it wasn't for the fact that we all wear anti-antiperspirants, body sprays that surely mask those subtle hormonal smells. My take on this is kids haven't yet learned the social niceties and say what they see. It's the adults that tell them to curtail their openness, .... learned behavior.

[Krisi]

Think about this: Kids are very observant and in a learning mode (most kids). They have no pressing issues on their minds. While mommy is looking for her size dress or panties or deciding which brand of beans to buy, kids are just standing there with nothing to occupy their minds. They are looking around for something interesting.

[Gabriella111]

I agree with Krisi that kids are just more observant and have less distractions from those things we consider the distractions. They're taking in the world while their parents are taking care of errands. I'm one of the least observant people I know. So busy all the time and hyper-focused on the task at hand, I rarely notice what's happening around me. So if I was standing beside a CD/TG at a pantie bin, there's a great chance I wouldn't even notice. My 10-year-old son, on the other hand, couldn't possibly care less about the panties I'm focused on, so he'd be focused on anything else, such as the person standing beside us. And the younger the child, the more they pay attention to the details as the develop their understanding of people and society.

Part of the problem in our society is the strictly binary idea of gender we so strongly impress upon children from birth. Hopefully the younger generation embraces a much less rigid idea of gender and changes the standard way of rearing children with regard to gender identity. I have two friends (separate families) who have young children and each are raising their kids without impressing any ideas of gender on them. Clothing of all colors, toys from both sides of the toy department, gender neutral bedroom decor, etc. Basically letting them self-select what makes them happy. One also chose an androgynous name.

That all said, as a parent of an unfiltered son, it can be mortifying when they let their thoughts spill out of their face. When my son, unsure of how to react to my boyfriend in a dress on Christmas Eve, made a cruel joke, I froze. Sitting at the dinner table eating this fabulous meal he had just cooked for us, and I completely froze. Thankfully, my lovely 14-year-old daughter eloquently stood up for my boyfriend and explained that people should wear whatever makes them happy. Later, I spoke to my son in private, talked about how the things that make us different are the things that makes us beautiful, he explained he just didn't understand or know what to say, and he ultimately apologized to my boyfriend. Point being, a parent may be so embarrassed they don't know how to respond in the moment, but they could very well have a wonderful conversation with their child later.

[Micki_Finn]

Interesting story. I don't know how helpful this would have been, but my first instinct in how to reply was to remove gender from the response altogether and say "I'm a (engineer/fire fighter/doctor/regional sales manager/(insert your profession here)"

[Jenny22]

"Are you a boy"? I may well have this question asked of me by a child as i venture out more, and I will, as I will obviously be a man in female garb.
I've thought about it many times and, trying to be kind, might simply say, "not today", with a smile.