What advice would you give to your child if you knew they were crossdressing?

[Billy]

Let's face it we have all been through this. Would you encourage them to be themselves? Would you advise them to be in the closet? Would you think less of them?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's pretty hard to explain to a small child that while it's perfectly ok to be yourself, if you wear a dress to the mall you might get the you-know-what kicked out of you in the parking lot.

How can you explain the distinction between self-expression and prudence? Or that society sometimes bites?

I'm glad I never had children, for this and at least a dozen other reasons.

[Lana Mae]

I would support them,but that support would be determined by age as to what kind of support. Fortunately, my kids are in their 30s! Hugs LanaMae

[Meghan4now]

If it meant my son would actually take care of his personal hygine, shave, fix his hair and not dress like a slob, maybe!

Funny thing is, he says he's TG but does nothing to affect a female personality or presentation. And he's never asked for dressing tips from me.

[ronda]

Billy you must not have children to even ask would one of us think less of our child because they cross dressed I would encourage them to be who they are and to love and except themselves I have lived that life of shame and thinking there is something wrong with me and that I should just kill myself so I would not want my child to live that life

[Periwinkle]

I don't have any children, and I don't want any either. But if I did, I would completely accept them and give them all the advice they wanted. No question about it.

[Julie MA]

I would help them understand it, from my POV and experience. Tempered with a dose of the real world. My now 8 year old son used to try my wife's shoes and things in the closet when he was 2. He used to tell us we couldn't come in when he was doing it. So maybe some early signs he may be interested some day, and that he is aware of the clothing gender distinctions he had already picked up by that age. Will not be surprised either way, and will love and support him either way.

[Lily Catherine]

Within the home, I wouldn't mind them crossdressing. I wouldn't disown them if they found they were of the opposite gender to their birth (Not unheard of, even here, even now). I would certainly bring up the topic to them without fear or rancour, and let them know that I as a parent would still unconditionally love and raise them all the same. As are my parents right now, I might not be without my fears from (as Nikki put it) a society that bites. I am in a rather conservative circle as well, and so will my children. At the very least, let them dress at home should they want to, let them be able to discuss their issues without their parents (or at least me) treating them any less.

I recognise the shock my parents had when they discovered (that I was) Lily. They raised a son to be a man, and was this what they got? I think I would anticipate the same shock when I become a parent myself.

I do recall one video where a presumably teenaged/young adult Asian crossdresser livestreamed himself singing and playing the guitar in a schoolgirl uniform, only to be walked in on by his mother whom I heard screeching, scolding and (I think) slapping him. I can't react that way, although I don't think it's unreasonable, unfortunately.

I don't feel like indulging them that way either - like zealously buying them clothes and such.. On the other hand, I don't want them to end up having to hide the way I did.

[Meghan4now]

Lily,

Good response. Now I have this issue a bit, and have talked to my son about it. My first and foremost objective is to try to assess the true nature of his expression, while not influencing it either way. If possible. This is not an easy road for everyone, and even more difficult if transition is involved. So I am counselling taking time to figure this one out. He has what I consider bigger issues to deal with first, GID takes a back seat to some of them.

I may introduce him to local resources in the future. BUT this is not a unilateral decision, my wife, his mother, also has skin in the game here.

[Kate Simmons]

Be yourself, have fun with it but watch the budget. :battingeyelashes::)

[Majella St Gerard]

I would tell them to be yourself and dress in the way they feel comfortable, and explain that they might get some ridicule from some closed minded people and to be prepared for that. Why would you stifle your child's expression of themselves?

[Stephanie47]

These issues are being confronted in elementary school or earlier. Kids seem to mimic their parents. I've seen several news pieces concerning boys who want to be girls or at least present as girls. Mom and dad can be as encouraging as can be, but, other parents have to educate their owns kids that this sort of self expression is OK. Over the last several years I've heard almost on a weekly basis the trials and tribulation of a teen male trying to figure out who he is and the direction he wants to go. There is support in the home, but, high school has been brutal.

It's not just the issue of trying to give the son or daughter guidance in expressing their own feelings, but, also guidance in trying to deal with those around him or her.

[Billy]

I would never stifle my child's expression. I would encourage them to always be themselves. I would tell them that if any person didn't want to associate with them it would be the other person's loss. I would encourage them to be honest with themselves and explain encourage them to not hide themselves in a closet. Walk with pride and confidence.

- - - Updated - - -

Stephanie,
My two youngest children are either just finishing or recently finished high school. Both have been very close friends with people that at the time seemed to be gay. It was not until either late in the senior year or afterward that they came out of the closet. These kids were in denial outwardly but pretty much anyone that knew them thought they were gay. Understand I am not saying gay is bad or in any way negative. My kids had very good relationships with these kids. One of the gay boys was very well received and popular in this high school of over 1500 kids.

My kids develop relationships with people that they like for whatever reason. I have always encouraged them to speak their mind and be who they want to be.

In some instances it is easier for us to advise our children than it is for us to advise ourselves.

[Dana44]

I would never think less of them and would support them and love them unconditionally. I would tell them about the world and what to expect.. Because school would be hard on them. It sure was on us and we were always dressed male but I think they can figure it out. it was hard as heel going through high school. I felt I was in hundreds of fights with the bully's Yep stood up to them and generally kicked their butts. I would never want my kid to go though that. By the way I did raise two girls.

[Fiona123]

I would give acceptance and support (which I do not have now).

[Teresa]

Billy,
There are so many variables in this question, if you are totally out and accepted, your advice may be welcomed, if you're in a DADT situation you may leave well alone, to advise or not leaves you in a no win situation with your close family.

I can only relate to my own situation , when the T kicked in at the age of 8-9 it all happened with a bang, as far as I know no one knew so I was left to my own devices. I wonder what advice would have helped me through that situation ? To advise someone assumes you have all the answers , you only have to look at this forum to see many of us don't .

[Abbey11]

As a father my job is is to guide, nurture and support, I would be all of these to the best of my ability

[CONSUELO]

Accept and support first. Then I would discuss it with him and let him tell me what he is feeling. I would also tell him to educate himself about cross dressing and being transgender. I would also help him to find other resources with whom he could talk.
I know that the outside world is a cruel place but he would probably recognize that himself. I would want him to know as much as possible about himself and about cross dressing in all of its aspects and also understand how ones feelings about cross dressing will evolve over one's lifetime. The starting point is knowledge both about himself and cross dressing. But the gaining of that knowledge has to be in a loving, accepting and supportive environment.

[Laura912]

I would do the same thing we have done with our now adult children as they were growing up. Love. Support. Educate.

[Billy]

Would you encourage your child to be honest with siblings?

[Meghan4now]

Would you ever encourage your child to lie? But let's be clear, so far everyone else who has responded so far has answered hypothetically. When faced with reality, your actions may be different than you think.

It's like the question of smoking pot. You may have done it in the past, but how do you discuss it with your child? Or drinking. Sure you are responsible now (maybe, hopefully), but you know the dangers of young inexperienced drinking, or may have lost friends along the way. So with crossdressing or gender identity. You need to understand the situation better in order to try to provide the proper advice and counseling. Just go and have a good time may not be the best advice! These are our children, we are here to protect, guide, and teach them. There are many ways to do this, and everyone will have their own opinion. My hope is that one day, my job will be to get out of their way.

[Charona]

Unfortunately, none of us can know how we would react to any situation until that situation arises. We can predict, we can hope, we can even say "This is how I would react." But we cannot actually know, until we look back and see what happened.

[GretchenM]

Billy,
This is a difficult situation. I was one of those boys, way back in 1953, and it was dealt with wrongly. The first thing is to not stress over it. The child is telling you something very, very important. The most common advice is if a boy wants to wear a dress don't deny it unless you want to screw up your kid for the rest of his life. But, it can't be a free for all. As a parent you can gently regulate it by setting up dress up times and situations. Going to school in a dress? Sure, but once again it needs to be regulated so the child feels their needs are being met. Most boys will grow out of it; some never do; but nearly all can deal with their self recognition of being different in a way that doesn't destroy their sense of self and allows them to develop pride in being who they are, whatever that may be. Here is a strong recommendation. Go on to the NY Times web site and find the August 8, 2012 edition. In there is an absolutely, positively wonderful article about boys who want to wear dresses and how to handle it. After reading that article I realized what my mother had done that was so wrong (it was considered correct in 1953). It opened the floodgates providing a path to understanding the previous nearly 60 years of battling with the girl in me, feeling like I was a freak and all of that. A month later I came out, entered therapy and my wife went too, and I am happier today than I ever was between the age of 7 and 67. There are still rules and agreements to keep the gears of life running smoothly. I appreciate my masculine side more and now my masculine and feminine identities are constantly working together in constructive ways to create a whole person that is both boy and girl, man and woman. Please read the article as it will likely provide answers to most of your questions.

xoxo
Gretchen

[phili]

This is the same kind of situation as when a child has a disability, noticeable 'weird' birthmark, is the only one of their race or religion at school, etc. Society has sort of made a rule that we all need to be included, and right now is struggling to do this over GID.

100 years on, race is still an issue, so we don't have a reason to expect that gender minorities will have it any easier. There is going to be tension between the ideal and our local circumstances, and parents have first right of refusal for the job of supporting their kid 100%, coaching them as they encounter versions of this problem in their daily life, and moving somewhere else if the environment is too hostile and they are able to. For a lot of parents this is difficult if they haven't reconciled their own POV about whatever it is.

Most homophobes change their tune when they realize someone they like is gay. Not all. It is part of life's challenge, but kids really benefit if their parent is a constant and reliable confidant and supporter, not the apologist for cultural misogny, or misandry, or mistransy. If parents don't provide it, the kid will find someone who will!

[Stephanie47]

Billy at #13, what's the point? I believe the question concerned cross dressing and not homosexuality. My comment concerned cross dressing especially at an early age. From my personal observation and interactions homosexuality, gay and lesbian, is more widely accepted than MtF cross dressing.

[Billy]

I agree that homosexuality is probably more acceptable than crossdressing. However, I would think that there are more crossdressers than homosexuals.

[Ineke Vashon]

A lot of answers can be found in the January 2017 issue of National Geographic magazine, the "Gender Revolution"

Ineke

[Billy]

I have experienced many times that people react one way in the third person and completely differently when it directly concerns them. For me the situation is what it is regardless of how it affects me and my answer is the same regardless if I am a bystander or the person concerned. For whatever reason I cannot be a hypocrite and do not live in denial. Therefore I encourage my children to be themselves and not be a hypocrite or in denial. If they choose to be to others that is fine because then that is their business and choice but when dealing with me, I expect honesty. There is no need to lie to me because I accept them for who they are not for who they are pretending not to be. If I determined that the person is in denial with me, a certain level of respect will be diminished in our relationship because the situation is what it is. In most situations, I could care less, what a person chooses to do. When their choice affects me or places me at liability, then I have a legitimate reason to be involved. For example I would not care if my child was a crossdresser but I would be concerned if my child uses my credit card to purchase things that are not allocated in our budget. I do not care if my teenager decides to drink or experiment with drugs or sex or whatever teenagers do but would be concerned with their safety and legal status. Letting children or people make decisions is crucial for many reasons. Everyone makes decisions all the time. It is best to make well informed decisions, knowing that those decisions have consequences that we need to live with.

With all that said, if we are true to ourselves and our loved ones, and accept ourselves for who we are, there is no need to treat our own situation any different than we would that of our child's or loved one. We should take our own loving advice and apply it to ourselves and our own situation because it is what it is. We have all heard the expression treat others as you want to be treated, maybe we should also treat ourselves as we would treat others.

[Cheryl T]

I would say to be careful if you go out dressed. There are still many who would do you harm. Try to do so in a group for safety.
Other than that it would be to tell them I loved them and that there is nothing wrong with being different.

[Aunt Kelly]

My response would go a lot like this...

"Thank you for trusting me with this. I am truly honored that you did. I know it must have been scary to tell me/have me find out. It's OK. I still love you and I always will. You must be careful, though. There are a lot of people who are still frightened of the idea of boys wearing girls clothes. That's changing but they're still out there and they can hurt you. Eventually, you will learn who you can trust with this, and when. Until then, I'm going to ask that you let me help decide who to share it with and who not to. That includes deciding where and when you can dress. I'd also like to see you talk to someone who is expert in helping boys like you sort out their feelings. I can absolutely guarantee that you will feel better about yourself if you do. How does that all sound to you? Great! Now, let's go shopping!"

[pantyhoselvr kendra]

I would be so happy for them. My advice would be careful about who you tell and where you go. After my father died I told my mom, she was very excited as she didnt have a daughter. She went on a spending spree, She would also go to the thrift store every day so i would have a new dress when i came home from work. I had a walk in closet at her house with over 40 dresses and around 10 pairs of pumps in 10 different colors. She filled my dresser with drawers full of pantyhose stockings garterbelts slips and all kinds of teddies and assorted lingerie. I could not wait to get off of work to get home and put on something so feminine and pretty. At first it was awkward wearing womens clothes at my moms but after awhile it was no big deal. Her only rule was she didnt want to see any nudity and i respected that

[redtea]

I would beat the girl outta him.
I would call a priest and exorcise the demonic spirit inside my son.
I would burn every bit of clothing he had
Tell him that what he is doing is sick and disgusting repeatedly until he starts crying.
Make fun of him for being such a girly boy
Call a psychologist and get him evaluated every weekend.
add testosterone supplements to all the food he eats at home
I will take away every privilege he has until he introduces himself to a girl and admits to her that he likes to Crossdress, I will know he completed the task when he returns with the voice recording.


Joking aside, Idk what I would actually do, I'm never going to have kids of my own let alone find a wife. I'm almost 26 and haven't had anything, I'm going to be that 1% who goes through life a virgin T_T

hypothetically I should try to steer him away from expressing femininity as it doesn't attract girls which means his life would be devoid of love from another.

[NicoleScott]

What would I say? Instead of "pick up your underwear off the floor and put them in the hamper", I'd say "pick up your panties off the floor..."
Seriously, what others said - support and caution. Also, I would not buy things for him, I would not presume to know what he wants to wear, so I would let him make those choices.
Generally (meaning not always) I think a crossdresser is much more able to give good advice than a dad without that internal drive. I'm confident we would give good advice.