fear problems ?

[ringo]

Okay so it's been a while, but i'm still reading posts time to time.

Here's the issue: i've been several times outside while dressed, most of it not alone. But this year things changed, i'm in a dormitory and i kind of know a lot of people (in the dorm and at my floor) and it paralyses me each time i want to go out dressed. i'm all set up but at the moment of getting out i just can't. It's weird because some kinda know about my dressing. i regularly wear nail polish and a lot of people has seen it (had some compliments which was very nice haha) and while drunk at a party i told some people. i don't know what to do to build the courage and i don't understand what is different between having nail polish or wearing women's clothes, this is pretty much a give away. So i just dress at home which is not really fulfilling for me.

Do any of you have or had the same issue ? How do you live it and (if it is the case) how did you manage to solve the problem ?

Last but not least, thank you all for your posts which i read with great interest and has sometimes opened my eyes on some matters (the SA reactions for example). I will try to bring my own stories if some of you are interested :)

Thank you

Ringo

[Helen_Highwater]

Ringo,

Can you kindly clarify something for me please? You say " I'm in a dormitory". Is this something like student accommodation with shared communal facilities or is yours a fully shelf contained apartment? just trying to understand your position fully.

[ringo]

It is a complexe with private rooms with some common rooms

[Pat]

It's a common feeling at first. You're afraid to do it because you haven't done it before and you're afraid that something will happen that you can't handle. Personally, I found the most helpful route was to figure out what the situation I feared was and examine that deeply. For example, if I was afraid that I would be laughed at I stopped and thought how I would react if someone I knew suddenly appeared crossdressed. I know I'd have something humorous to say even if I fully respected them. I know I'd talk to the people around me about it because, hey, it's unusual. So I realized it was a natural part of life -- people are going to be entertained by me just as I am entertained by them. They're going to talk, just as I would. Yes, there would be some turbulence as they learned this new thing about me but it's really no more shocking than finding out, after knowing someone for years, that they can play great jazz piano. People who care for you care for who you are as a whole and not the tiny details. Of course, it's still going to be scary to grab the doorknob and walk out. The fear fades, the joy lasts. ;)

[ringo]

Jennie : i'm really afraid of the people i know more than the people i don't know, i went out with my gf and i never had any serious problems and it was fun. i'm afraid of what will be going on in there heads after they see me in drag. I know i may be overthinking this but it still is blocking me somehow.
thank you for your answer :)

[Tracy Irving]

You could try taking the clothes with you and changing somewhere away from the dormitory.

[Helen_Highwater]

Ringo,
Thanks for the reply.

Okay, more questions. How do you think those in your complex would GENERALLY react to seeing you dressed? Are they young, fairly relaxed sorts, up for a good night out people? How do they treat anyone who's openly or considered gay? Is there mocking either to their face or behind their backs?

What I'm getting at is if it's a relaxed environment then things seem in your favour. It's often said here and I know it's true from my own experiences, the first step is the hardest. Stepping out of a Hotel room, getting out of the car, walking out the front door. All those can take an enormous amount of self will. Your experience will be no different.

Next question; do you have a close friend, someone within the complex who would support you if you were out to them. Ask them for their opinion as they know the situation as well as you and if they say go for it, well......

Looking at your avatar you present extremely well and the fact that you've been out with your GF and that went fine says it all. Dress conservatively, pick a fairly quiet time, take a deep breath, grab the door handle (remember your keys) and go for it.

[phili]

I found that when out dressed I am more certain and confident about who I am and why it is not a problem, than when I am wondering about going out. Fear is always of something not happening. IN the actual moment it is two people deciding how they want the next moment of the relationship to be. If someone decides to mock and deride you and talk to everyone about how stupid you look, it will have limited effect, and only on people who like to live that way. You will find most people don't. It helps to have a good relationship with your neighbors first, so they already like you. You can also warn them ahead of time- you know, I went out with my GF the other day, and ..., and you'll be seeing me in a whole new look every now and then! I did this, and cleared the way in my neighborhood for stepping out. Two neighbors were actively supportive.

It is just a fact, announced with friendly trust and confidence, as opposed to fear or doubt, and it will go fine even with the haters, if there are any. They know they are in the minority and occasionally flare to see if bullying will rally people in fear to their side. But it is so antisocial that it doesn't work in a normal mixed neighborhood, and if you aren't fearing it has no effect. They'll either move or start to chat anyway so they can brag that they get along alright with the sissy fag in their complex who has a GF. lol

[ringo]

Tracy : i thought about this, i need to save a bit of money to take an hotel room, otherwise i don't know where else i could change.

Helen : well, so far they seems to be pretty accepting (they all come from different cultures so it is a bit hard to speak generally). As i said, i told some people at a party and they were okay with it, some even supporting.
Yes, there always are the questions about "this or this situation" before opening the door.
As i am on a year abroad and have been here for 4 months, i have no real close friends, i know a lot of people but not so close. i could think of one of the girls i've spoken to (about make up, nail polish). I don't know if they really understand that i'm a crossdresser, maybe they are. I have a friend that knows but she lives in a city one hour from mine (i've planned shopping and clubbing with her by the way).
Thank you, i didn't think i look passable ^^ maybe around night time it would be better

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Ringo.

Your English is more than good enough, please do not feel you have to apologise, and yes- of course we're interested in your stories!

Many of us understand your fear perfectly, because we are in relationships with people who do not accept or understand our need to dress, in fact probably a majority of us live with fears much like your own. Almost every day you can read a post here with a title something like 'Finally I did it!' from a member who has just gone out dressed for the first time, or whose partner has finally said it's ok to be dressed at home.

It's a question of risk. Some people enjoy taking risks; others do anything to avoid them. My own tendency is always to avoid stress, so I rarely take risks. In some ways I'm quite brave, but with crossdressing other people can be very judgmental, even cruel.

Right now you're trying to decide how much risk to take.

Let's say you take the risk, get dressed and walk past your fellow residents. What's the worst thing that could happen? (I'm assuming they are not going to harm you physically, but if you think that is a possibility, I'd say of course, don't take the risk).

But if the worst thing you can imagine is a few nervous laughs, how would that feel to you? Would it be so bad?

My guess is some would admire your courage. Some might even ask to go with you. Some might even ask you for a date. And the ones who laugh- well who's the bigger loser- them or you?

Honey, go for it and hold your head up high.

[Jenny22]

Just a thought .... if you remember any of the people (women) you outed yourself to while 'drunk', and who approved or supported your CDing reveal, make contact and request their continued support in some manner. One or more might be happy to help you in some way or give you ideas as to how you can better help yourself.

[AllieSF]

Coming out and being out are two related but different situations. A lot here depends on your own personality and self confidence, and how much other people's reaction may or may not affect you. You can come out (tell them that you crossdress and that they may one day see you like that) to people in your dormitory all at once or over time. As you come out you can judge their reaction to it and how they may react when seeing your dressed (being out). Then you can try to be out with some or all of them over time. Or, if you have the courage to be yourself and can deal with most possible negative reactions, you can just be out dressed to all of them, like dressing in your room, walking through the common areas to go out to meet friends or do whatever you would like to do outside of the dormitory and then returning later.

You have several advantages going for you, which include youth and more openness and acceptance from others around your age and at the university, you are living outside your own country so you may never meet the people in your dormitory after your year there, unless some are from your own country and may already know you from before, and you have already been out in public before with minimal or no problems. I do recommend that you go at your own pace and do what you are comfortable with and take the risks that you think that you can handle. I also like the idea of having a local friend who knows and supports who you are since they could be your partner when going out where you are at the first few times. They could come to your room and then leave with you. Having someone with you you those first few times really helps a lot. Whatever you decide, please let us know how it all turns out. Thanks for sharing and asking.

[docrobbysherry]

Your situation is very different that mine, Ringo. But, NOT the way u feel. After 8 years of going out to countless venues dressed? Every time I go to leave my hotel room, or get out of my car dressed, I get this lump in my throat and wonder if I can do it? :straightface:

The more I do it, the easier it gets. But, I still have that feeling of inner doubt before I step out!:brolleyes:

[Gabriella111]

I agree with Jenny. Ask some of those who were supportive at the party if they may join you for an outing while you're dressed. I expect they'd be delighted!

[Jaylyn]

Your first priority is always safety. Think everything thru and decide if what you are doing is safe. I think carrying your things out and dressing else where might be a good idea. I'm not out but safety would be one of my concerns if I were. Also about your stories feel free to post as I usually read nearly everything posted and find many things I'd would have never thought of, guess sharing is how we learn about why we do what we do.

[Jennifer Michelle]

You aren't probably going to like my answer but I simply don't go out en femme at the moment I might once I get a place of my own but since I live on a pharmacy school's campus I don't think its worth potentially messing up my future career or attracting unwanted attention while I'm in school. That being said I did go out for halloween dressed as a girl when I was in undergrad. My undergrad college was LGBT friendly and had mandatory polices of respect and acceptance regarding LGBT individuals.That made it so dressing there would have been possible oddly enough my urge to dress wasn't quite as strong back then for some reason. If you are in undergrad though most colleges are accepting of LGBT individuals. You could always ask a guidance counselor about your schools position in regards to LGBT individuals if your curious. If you lose friends over it maybe they weren't real friends to begin with.

[Lily Catherine]

I am with Jennifer Michelle on this - unless your college is LGBT-friendly, it's quite the risk. My own faculty isn't very accepting of transgender individuals yet (I've heard "trans people disgust me" [?!] from my schoolmates); trans* activism is still very limited, and as a double standard some other faculties in the same uni have cross-dressed for fun / ridicule (less one event that was meant as an exercise in breaking gender norms). If you're in a single-sex dorm I reckon it's almost impossible to even leave your room dressed without any suspicion in a non-LGBT-friendly campus.

[Majella St Gerard]

Starting out is tough, I went through the same emotions. I was worried what people would think. Then I accepted and came to terms with who I am. It was a slow process but in 5 years I went from underdressing to fully crossdressing and living my life the way I feel comfortable, no one tells me how I should dress. My wife encouraged me to be myself and brought me out of my shell. I don't care anymore what others think, I dress and go about my business, if people don't like it then that's their problem. My family and friends accept me as I am. I always get such positive remarks from friends and family even from strangers, as I got today while dress shopping. You'll find most people accepting. I've made more friends crossdressed than in male mode. It will take a while to get comfortable going out dressed but it will come but first you have to accept yourself. Good luck on your journey.

[michelle.foster]

Ringo,
Try this, at the next party, attend wearing a single piece, a skirt or blouse or heels. And see what happens. Explain it as you lost a bet with your girlfriend, she'd have to know, of course. If the reaction is too harsh, go change if not, you'll know. Then try more clothes at the next party. Or maybe, just wear one piece when you're lounging around the common area and see what happens there. Doing it slowly in a "safe" environment will give you the opportunity to evaluate your comfort level and the comfort level of those around you.
Good luck and remember to breath. WE make it harder on ourselves.

[Amy R Lynn]

I have slowly been coming out for a LONG time. And from what I have learned the worst fear is always in my own head. Once I have faced that fear, I have usually found that it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Our minds are definitely our worst enemy. I wish you the best of luck here.

[Adriana Moretti]

When I used to need to sneak around, i would get dressed, THEN put one of those track suits the basketball players wore over the top real baggy , the kind that you always see them rip off on the sidelines,....i would do my makeup, but not my lips, throw on sunglasses, leave the wig and shoes in a bag, throw on a hat and go...then in the car strip, put on the wig, and do my lips....where there is a will you can always find a way, keep makeup whipes in the car for your return trip xoxo

[mykell]

hi ringo, wont get into the semantics of if or when you conquer your fear to walk out the front door of your home.....you will know the proper time.

so as a dashboard vanity user its all down to preparation, my situation is that i cannot leave the house dressed.....so i wear hosiery or leggings, skinny jeans under my male pants.... prepare two recycle grocery bags with my essentials for the outing, in one shoes and purse, it the other my forms, bra, top, and of coarse my wig.

once out i find a spot to flip in the car. i tend to hide in plain site....first i remove my top, add bra, new top, wig.....taadaa....i for all inquisitive purposes am now just a women in the car applying her make-up, depending on what i have choose to wear beneath my pants i can simply remove them and add the shoes, add forms(sucks when its cold) and have fun....as stated makeup remover for the de-construction process and just go in reverse, remove makup, wig and now just a guy, pull the pants back on, can do skirts and dresses after some practice.....optimum conditions ......heck no.....but better than staying home.

OR if one of the folks you trusted to share your self with has a safe haven for you to change.....take advantage of that. i now volunteer at a LGBT venue and have a safe place to change.

as far as bad english.... take a trip to the states or just continue to read my posts....

[ringo]

Waw ! i didn't expect so much answers ! I am really grateful to everybody for taking the time to give me advice and try to solve my problem. It feels really good to be heard (well, read)

As for know i didn't find the courage to go out alone from my dorm but i have planned to go to a friends room (she lives in another city) and we'll go in lgbt clubs, so i'm really excited about that.
I noticed some speaking about university. I don't plan to dress at the university, i think it is too much. And people in my dorm seems pretty tolerant.

As some of you have said, fear seems to be something we can't get rid off completely. I will try to use it to give me strength

Again, thank you very much to all of you for being so caring, i'll write posts if something new happens :D

xoxo