I told my wife and it isn't going well.

[IamTara]

After some encouragement, I decided to tell my wife about my crossdressing. So far, it has been an utter disaster for me. At first she wouldn't even talk to me. She then just asked "why?". When I asked her what she meant by that, she said "why am I doing this to our family". I explained to her why I crossdress and how it all got started. She has since told me I am not allowed in our bedroom anymore and that I am to start sleeping in our guest bedroom. She said I need to seek therapy. She has called me a weirdo and wonders how I could do this to our daughters. I have told her that I am not gay, that I still want to be with her, and that I would do anything to be with her.

I don't know what to do. I am devastated at this point. I am going to lose everything.

[Jen92]

Tara, ok first thing is you have done the right thing to use this forum, where you will hopefully get plenty of support and advice. Keep calm. Sorry to hear it hasn't gone well. As far as you can see you have chosen to be honest to your wife as opposed to not being, so in my view you have done the right thing. In your post you haven't really said what you have revealed to her. We all have different needs from occasionally wearing of underwear all way through to full transition. What exactly did you tell her?
How strong was your relationship before? Have you supported her with issues in her life? What's her general attitude to life etc? How good a husband are you ? If you wish to open up more I think it will be easier for others to give you their best advice and support and no doubt there will be someone here with similar experience.

[IamTara]

I showed her a picture of me in a wig, with my breastforms in, with makeup on. I told her I only dress up occasionally. Which is true. I dress up weekly or less.

Our marriage can be rocky at times, but overall I like to think we are happy. I am a pretty good husband. I work hard at both of my jobs and support our family well.

I explained to her how my road started with me trying on a thong of hers and that I got excited by it. I told her how trying on a men's thong did not have the same appeal.

At one point, in the past, I joined a website for "singles" so I could locate crossdressers my area for advice on where to get clothes, local groups, etc. She found out, but thought I was having an affair. I alwayd denied having an affair or seeking to have an affair. I started off telling her by giving the truth about why I had the account. She has said she would rather have had me having/trying to have an affair rather than this.

[ElleStreet]

I think she's being pretty selfish here. I mean, you tell her your secret and her first reaction is to assume it's something you're doing solely to inconvenience her?(or your family). I hope you didn't actually sleep in the guest bedroom, she's free to not be accepting of your 'hobby' but that doesn't give her the right to tell you what to do. She has the problem here, not you. If she can't stand to sleep in the same room as you right now let her sleep In the guest bedroom.

Now on the other hand, even if she didn't dislike crossdressers, if I was her I would be very upset that I married a man who felt it was right to keep such a large divisive secret from me.

Why do you think you're going to lose everything? Maybe your wife but have you not raised your daughters to respect people like you?

[Robert]

Tara I'm terribly sorry to hear of your predicament.

I faced similar when my wife found a bunch of my stuff, and jumped to the conclusion I was having an affair. Explaining to her that I like to wear these clothes myself is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And, a few years later it is no easier. The whole subject has become a no-go zone, and I think our marriage has been seriously fractured. It certainly different to what it was.

You have to realise that you have effectively thrown a hand grenade into your domestic situation. Your wife now has to adjust to a completely different reality. And, to some extent, you have dragged her into the closet with you. She might not want to deal with your proclivities, and she might not want to keep your secrets.

I wish I could give you the answer, but I can't. All I can say is the cat is now out of the bag, and both of you will need to deal with it.

Ultimately this is a test of your relationship.

[IamTara]

One of the worst things is I thought I could heal the wound of her thinking I was having an affair by showing her what the real situation is. Ultimately, if it means I get to stay with her, I will stop crossdressing. She(and my daughters) is my world. I literally fell in love with her the moment I met her. I will be lost without her.

[Jen92]

Ok what I would do is write her a very long letter. Make it clear how you feel about her and your family and provide reassurance that nothing will change regarding how much you love her or indeed any desire to transition. That you work hard, that you are faithful and all the other things a wife would expect a husband to me. Explain that your deep love and your embarrassment caused you to open up to her in hope she would love and support you with this extremely personal thing. Don't promise to stop as you are unlikely to be able to, but you may offer consideration as to her views e.g. My wife - not into CD sex. It's a lot to ask of her so approach it from her perspective, with caring, sensitivity, etc. Some men cheat, drink, gamble, do drugs, violent, lazy, sexual offenders, if you are none of these highlight this. That you don't want to embarrass her etc. Explain it's because you love and trust her you that you opened up.

I agree 100% you shouldn't move out of bedroom. If she insists on therapy then only agree if she does so also. She hasn't done anything wrong and neither have you. and it does take an amazing wife to fully accept. Leave her a small present with the note, (not a bribe) but perhaps something loving and thoughtful.

I agree 100% with other post you shouldn't be made to sleep in spare bedroom. Do other things that remind her that you are still an awesome father / husband. "Woo" her as you did when you first met.

[Julie MA]

Tara, her recommendation to seek counseling is an opportunity for you to go as a couple. A therapist experienced with CD topics could provide her a healthy perspective, allow you to understand your own feelings and needs in CDing, all in a refereed setting. My wife wants to go and I am all for it. She told me she most wants to go because she has no one to talk to about it. Doesn't want to, won't, share with anyone yet. Julie

[GretchenM]

Hi Tara,

I am so sorry this has happened. It is unfair and very difficult to deal with and, unfortunately, not that unusual. Your wife married a man who turned out to be only partly a man and the other part a woman. She is probably terrified by what this means. When I came out, after 44 years of marriage, my wife was not particularly supportive and was scared of what this could mean to our relationship. Quite honestly, going to therapy is a good suggestion. You may want to suggest that you both go to therapy, but that depends on her. Be careful with suggesting she go as well; only you can read her and decide whether that is a good idea or if it would make it worse. If she seems to expect only you go then I recommend going, but not to a family therapist but a gender therapist or someone who has a good deal of experience dealing with gender issues. If you have a local transgender support organization contact them and they can make some recommendations or they may offer some low cost therapy services. After I came out I went and it made all the difference in the world for me and for my wife. A bit later my wife decided to also go to the same place and see a different therapist who could help her deal with the new revelation and situation. My action to seek help showed her I was serious about finding a resolution for us and perhaps for my life long gender issues. I don't know what your crossdressing/transgender characteristics are, but I do not recommend promising to stop. You may not be able to do that without creating intense gender dysphoria which is a living hell in many ways. Agree to going to therapy but make no promises about stopping until you have met with the therapist and talked to him/her. In choosing a therapist, find someone you are comfortable with. I saw a woman who was younger than my kids. I am very comfortable being open with women in a way I would never be with a man. But that may not be you.
Today we are fine, but I can't say it is exactly like it was before. It can't be; the equation has changed. But she is accepting of Gretchen even though she has never met her face to face. She understands more and so do I. Unfortunately, your wife's insistence that you sleep elsewhere is effectively using "sex" as a weapon and that is not healthy for you or her. Once you have started therapy I suspect therapist will recommend you be gentle and show her your girl side through behavior rather than through dressing. But at the very least go to therapy if for no other reason than to help yourself and obtain advice as to how to approach the new equation in your marriage. It will demonstrate to her you are serious about finding a solution that will preserve the marriage. Keep in mind, you are not in the strong position; she is. If you try to fix it yourself she may well read that as just another male domination and control; most women these days are very sensitive to that and they at least dislike it or even hate it. Here in the US women are sick of that and with Donald Trump's behavior and election to president they feel very threatened. As women or part time women, we should feel threatened as well, maybe even more so. Take that into account when considering her reaction to actions you are considering. Go slow and be gentle.

xoxo
Gretchen

[natalie edwards]

You're not going to stop. Although you may be telling the truth when you promise you'll stop the reality is the urge will never stop. At some point you'll give in to the urge and then you " lied " again. Just be honest. For me it's not a constant need. It may at times be something I need/want once or twice a week or maybe once a month. Lately I've waited 2 years. Yeah not easy and the urges come and go but at some I just have to.

[Lydianne]

I'm sorry to hear that coming out to your SO isn't going well, but it is early days. Your SO's initial reaction was to be expected because it's typically not what a GG signs up for on her wedding day. You've torn that all down, but if CDing is an integral enough part of you, it might have had to have come to that anyway; either by deciding to come out or getting caught. It can be very difficult to stop cross dressing completely.

IMO, I think it is good you chose honesty instead of dressing up behind her back because getting caught would have lead to the same place but with additional trust issues. With you choosing to tell her, she knows at minimum that you are open and honest, which is a reasonable basis IMO.

The recovery will be a long process, and it will be done at her pace and to an extent that she is comfortable with. Make sure you are ready to communicate honestly and gently whenever she is ready to communicate.

In the meantime, there will be plenty of advice for you to consider from those that have been where you are now, and you might want to check out the sticky about the tips towards acceptance as written by a SO and added to by other SOs and CDers who have made the journey. I hope it will help you and your SO.

Best of luck for the future!

[nikkiwindsor]

Hi Tara,

I too am so sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your wife are experiencing. Everyone's situation is different and I don't have any suggestions beyond what has already been shared. My relationship with my wife has evolved over time and continues to grow each and every day. Over years, my wife has slowly become more accepting of my feminine psyche. She better understands that it is a part of who I am and I didn't have power or influence in the design of who I am - both male and female minded and spirited. Fortunately, we both love each other immensely and we want each other to be happy. So, we endeavor to be there for each other through thick and thin. Honestly, I can say that all of this has brought us closer together. Having conversations about how I truly feel and how she truly feels deep inside leads to an intimacy and a relationship that is beautiful, wonderful, challenging and certainly not easy for either of us. But, our love transcends all the difficulties.

We all hope everything works out over time for you and your wife and we're always here for you!

Nikki

[karynspanties]

Well this is unfortunately what happens when you tell your wife. I hear this a lot. Hindsight being what it is, maybe you should have tested the waters and brought up the subject of crossdressing and seen how she felt anout it BEFORE you told her of your dressing habits. A lot of women that find out that their manly husband, the one that they are attracted to likes to wear womens clothes......well they get turned off by that. Put the shoe on the other foot. Your very feminine wife, or so you think so one day out of the blue says she likes to dress as a man. I think most of us would be a bit in shock let alone imagining what she looks like dressed that way. So is she being selfish? Yes and no. She is in shock for sure. Just be ready for the marriage to end. If she kicked you out of the bedroom, is calling you names ad tells you that you need therapy......it maybe over already and your just not seeing it. Sorry to be blunt, but too many pink fog suggestions on this forum at times. I do suggest that you try and work things out, but your life together has been permanently changed and there is no going back, but I would also start the process of protecting myself legally.

[mykell]

i know its a little after the fact but you may find something relevant here:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

i have never been told to sleep in the spare room but have used it on occasion having nothing to do with CD,
as far as seeking therapy i would assume she is sending you out to be fixed, we all know that wont work.

in the real world i attend p-flag meetings at a trans oriented group, what i like the most about it is that family, friends, as well as the trans individuals attend, so they have some peer to peer type of support outside of a professional venue. getting hugs from moms of and folks is satisfying when you felt you helped in even a small way. it may take some Persuasion on your part to get her to participate in any type of support or therapy. oh and she may attempt to look online for info so i would suggest using a transgender term vs. transvestite or crossdresser, the results that are pulled up on search engines vary and trans seems friendlier.

in the mean time after my reveal i just kept doing the things around the house that i normally did, even focused on the dreaded to-do list and accomplished as much as i could. let her come to me if she wanted new info and eventually i wrote her a letter and offered her a DADT situation which we are now out of but i think it helped her process and come to terms in her own time.

hope any of this may help, would suck to loose loved one this way....

[Robert]

I thought I could heal the wound of her thinking I was having an affair by showing her what the real situation is.

So, ultimately, she has to come to the realisation that her husband is not a cheating tomcat but is, instead, a deviant pervert?

That's a tough realisation. At least 'cheating tomcat' has some social acceptance.

[ElleStreet]

I think you're on the wrong site if you think crossdressing immediately makes one a deviant pervert

[Robert]

I think you're on the wrong site if you think crossdressing immediately makes one a deviant pervert


I don't think so. That's where we sit for a great many people.

A cheater they can handle. A man who dresses like a woman is way beyond understanding.

The OP said it themself. His/her wife would have preferred to find out they were cheating rather than cross dressing.

[Sara Jessica]

Yours is one of the quickest trajectories towards relationship oblivion I have seen in these pages.

In one day you have gone from "just starting CD'ing and will never tell wife" to previously getting "caught" on a dating site so you can troll for CD'ers and full disclosure to your wife.

Assuming you lurked here before posting for the first time, did you not read of what others have done? What has worked for anyone else is simply advice and not an indicator of what might work for you. I'm not seeing that you spent any time doing homework. Big hint, it wouldn't have been difficult to come to the conclusion that it is not a good idea to go sporting photos to the SO when making the disclosure. Nor was your anticipation for her to "meet" Tara, from another thread even remotely realistic.


I am going to tell her when I get off work in the morning. Perhaps, if our daughters go to their grandparents' house, I could introduce her to Tara tomorrow afternoon. I work tomorrow night, so I would have to go back to boy mode before I go to work. I am probably going to obsess about this all night.

This is quite the messy situation for which there are no easy answers. I think at this point you must be careful with forum advice because you clearly don't know how to filter in order to make rational decisions. You need to take a step back and find a way to do what no one has ever done to the best of my knowledge, to put the genie back inside the bottle.

Believe it or not, I have a lot of empathy for your situation. Just very little sympathy based on the fact this was entirely preventable. Best of luck to you going forward.

[ElleStreet]

Ahh, maybe you're right when you think of it from the wives perspective. I think the trouble is that a lot of people on this site have spouses who detest the idea of a crossdresser. Ive always thought you should have cleared up things like that before marriage y'know?

[Jenniferathome]

I showed her a picture of me in a wig, with my breastforms in, with makeup on. ...

WAY TOO MUCH TOO SOON!

Your mistakes have been made but do not compound them. Therapy is a great idea. Invite her to join you. SHe'll learn that cross dressing is not the bomb she thinks it is

[StephanieM]

Give it a few days, let her get over the shock then sit down and talk to her about it. I would guess that a lot of what she said was out of anger and feeling betrayed. As others have said maybe you both could go through counseling over this and salvage this. Your marriage will never be the same after this with a little luck and a hell of a lot of work it may end up being stronger, or it could go the other way. Try to be strong through this and do your best to let you know that you love her and are still the same guy she married. Be careful with making the promise to quit, that is a large check that your mind may not be able to cash.

Hopefully you can work this out and find a way she can live with it. I know exactly what you are going through about 15 years ago I went through something similar with my first wife.

- - - Updated - - -


Ahh, maybe you're right when you think of it from the wives perspective. I think the trouble is that a lot of people on this site have spouses who detest the idea of a crossdresser. Ive always thought you should have cleared up things like that before marriage y'know?

Yes that is something that should be disclosed before marriage, I learned the hard way.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Tara i have been in your shoes.just under 6 yrs ago i dropped the bomb(telling my wife about Giselle)
and the s#@& hit the fan and in fact my wife had a nervous breakdown of sorts.
one week later to make matters worse our youngest son(then 21) was diagnosed with testicular
cancer, which you can imagine devastated my wife, oldest son and myself.( my son is now 5 1/2 yrs cancer free)
i hope your wife will be able to find fair research materials to explain crossdressing not the sexual type that will
show up first on google searches.
for 6 months our marriage was on the edge, eventually my wife found places like this one and talked to other wives of CD's
she has become tolerant of Giselle and comes to support events with me i do however not dress at home.
one thing for certain your marriage will never be the same and in my case my wife has lost any real sexual interest in me.
i can't blame her as i hid Giselle from her for 27 years.
i believe communication is the key and also an open mind.
the genie is now out of the bottle and i have only good wishes for you and your wife.

[trishacd]

Tell her you would be glad to go to therapy to relieve this burden. When you go the therapist will inform you the desire to dress never goes away. Your wife should be a lot more understanding. Its worth a try. She may end up helping you.

[Micki_Finn]

Ahh, maybe you're right when you think of it from the wives perspective. I think the trouble is that a lot of people on this site have spouses who detest the idea of a crossdresser. Ive always thought you should have cleared up things like that before marriage y'know?

For some of us the marriage came first so not exactly easy to "clear up" before the marriage.

[Aunt Kelly]

Jennifer's so right. Way too much and way to soon. Just the admission would be a huge shock to most spouses. Pictures, or suddenly appearing in the doorway, en femme, is a far, far bigger shock. There are lots of members here whose SO's are otherwise accepting but who never want to face their partner's femme self. My wonderful wife has known about Kelly Marie since before we were married. She is extremely accepting and supportive, but she is still uneasy about having Kelly Marie around, not because it's sick, offensive, or anything like that. It's because she sees risk there, to my career, our social status, etc. (we live in a very conservative part of the country). Those are reasonable fears for our SO's, so we must respect that.
As I suggested in my welcome post, put Tara away for a while and take time to "treat" that shock. That your wife suggested counseling is actually a good. While it's true that she may be "sending you out to be fixed", as Mikell so accurately puts it, we know you're not broken and there will come a time when your counselor should offer to teach that truth to your wife. Find a counselor qualified in gender issues. He or she will have been through this scenario many times and can advise better than anyone how to proceed. Don't involve your wife in this until your counselor suggests it.

Hugs,


Kelly

[audreyinalbany]

I personally think both of you and gender therapist might be the best way forward. A therapist is not going to 'cure' you but will help you and your wife find a path to acceptance of some degree & will help you find a way to fit crossdressing into your life with minimal effect on her and the kids, if that's what you're seeking

[Majella St Gerard]

You could have avoided this whole mess by just being honest and up front from the start, difficult yes but better than lying and hiding something so important. Good luck.

[AKADonna]

I totally agree with Jennifer. Too much, too soon! You need to slow down, wait several days or a week and write her a letter expressing your feelings and assurances that you have not cheated or are wanting to transition, etc. Then initiate a calm discussion about your feelings and her feelings in response. Communication is the key (as always). Any discussions of your surfing singles sites or showing her photographs or you en femme or even having her confront Tara in person - will only exacerbate the feelings. Its' been about 5 years since my wife and I first had the "Discussion" and today she is somewhat supportive of Donna, although she never wants to see me fully dressed as Donna. Wearing lingerie has become OK, and, at times, even promoted when she's not at home (I'm retired and she works), but is never acceptable in the bedroom. I have come to fully understand and respect her limits and do everything I can to stay within those. This permits me to enjoy my CD'ing, to satisfy most, but not all, of my desires, but it is a situation that we both can live with. (She has occasionally even threatened to expose Donna to other women as a way of humiliating me into submission - and she knows that this is enjoyable and kinky to me!)

My advice is to go slow, go to counseling if she pushes it, and, whatever you do, avoid fanning the flames with photographs and personal presentations which will provide unforgettable images that she may have difficulty getting over. (What makes you proud, is offensive to her at this point!). Respect her feelings and Communicate!

[Teresa]

Tara,
The only way you're going to make sense to her is through counselling , If you're lucky she may accompany you if not the whole thing becomes much harder . Geting the facts from a professional is better than her thinking you've made stuff up, besides it will help get facts straight in your own mind, none of us know how far we may travel along the TG road.

[suzanne]

It was really awful how your wife reacted and treated you. The only helpful thing she said was therapy. But you have to insist that you two go together, because she's the one with the problem, not you.

The biggest question you need to answer is "Why?". Your wife needs to learn to actually hear what you say as you get your chance to explain rationally WHY you feel the way you feel. And she needs to examine WHY she reacts so viscerally to your crossdresssing.

One thing, though. You absolutely need to buy your own clothes and underwear so you never have to borrow her things again. This can be a hot button issue for even some of the most supportive wives.

Good luck. Some times, a bad start like yours can get better after a cooling off period. Everyone here is rooting for you.

[Stephanie47]

One of the worst things is I thought I could heal the wound of her thinking I was having an affair by showing her what the real situation is. Ultimately, if it means I get to stay with her, I will stop crossdressing. She(and my daughters) is my world. I literally fell in love with her the moment I met her. I will be lost without her.

There's two issues here. You really need to reaffirm your love for your wife. Her head is probably swimming with conflicting thoughts. You overloaded her ability to cope with new information. How does she get to discuss this revelation with other than you? She probably is scared to discuss it with anyone. She will probably believe any comment you make to try to explain yourself is self serving.

The other issue is the cross dressing. You are really going to box yourself into a corner if you tell her you will give up these desires when in all probability you cannot fulfill that promise. If wearing women's clothing is in your DNA, inner self or whatever drives you (us) to act like this, then denying your needs will have an adverse effect on your personality. If you had taken the time to peruse years of postings on this site, you would have realized there could be negative results of making any sort of disclosure.

I would take your wife's suggestion of seeking counseling, but, not with the idea of being "cured." My guess your wife thinks of this as a curable illness. It's not and a certified gender therapist will tell you that. Nothing will be solved if your wife at some point does not participate. It usually does not go well to come home from a session and tell a woman, "Hey, honey, the therapist says there's nothing wrong with me! It's all in your head!"

These introductions of the life of a cross dresser with pictures and physical demonstrations just do not go well.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Tara and a belated welcome to the forum.

So here you are. Take a deep breath.

I'd like to apologize to you for some of the comments you've just received. Obviously 'if you'd only thought about' or 'why didn't you' is useless at this stage and I can't imagine why people even bother replying in that spirit. Please don't let the negativity of a few individuals put you off the forum, there is a great deal of help to be had here- and it seems to be the best forum of its kind for crossdressers.

Perhaps the best advice is the oldest: don't panic. Your wife finds herself in the deep end, and clearly she isn't used to being outside her comfort zone. She isn't unique in that respect. We all know how that feels.

Stay calm. It's easy for people to say 'Don't let her make you sleep in the spare room' but the fact is that she has gone DefCon 4 and right now fighting about who sleeps where will only escalate tensions. She needs space - give her space.

I agree that Tara would be wise to stay out of things for now. Our femme sides can be dangerously reckless: they want out of the closet, and they don't much care how they achieve it. Be firm with Tara- she isn't thinking clearly, she just wants to PARTY and damn the consequences.

Without knowing your wife it's very hard to know exactly how you should handle things at this point, but others have suggested - and I agree - that hoping to get her to go to couples therapy might be a bit optimistic. If that were to happen, I can't stress strongly enough that any kind of religious connection would likely be a mistake. This is NOT about ethics, morals, right/wrong, will power, and there definitely doesn't need to be any more judgement thrown into the mix.

I also think a gender therapist might be too much for your wife to handle, at least at first: some sessions (for either/both of you) with a regular therapist would be a sensible place to start. If your wife starts to feel that she's being judged because she's not hip to LGBT ways of life, it would only make her more defensive.

One thing is especially important to me: you did not deceive your wife at the point you got married. Your interest in crossdressing emerged because you discovered that wearing your wife's underwear felt pleasurable. No surprise that you felt you needed to talk about those feelings with other people that had similar experiences. Also no surprise that you found it extremely difficult to share these new feelings with your wife: her reaction shows how risky the subject was and is.

Try to keep up your routines, try to be as supportive to her as she will allow you to be. Humans can adapt to almost anything, depending on what their head is telling them. Right now she needs you to 'be the man she married' so do your best.

I hope you have found some positive help from these comments and that you will continue to share with us how you are doing. The more information you give us, the more likely we are to be able to help.

Hugs and best wishes to you (and) Tara.

[AllieSF]

Great advice Nikki, and I will also agree that blaming you you for what happened is not necessary in this thread. The "you should have told her" crowd should start their own thread every once in awhile to get across their message. Just remember, though there may be some wonderful accepting and tolerating SO's here, there are probably more disapproving ones too. Now is not the time to use you as an example of what not to do, as if the accusers never did a dumb thing in their own lives. Patience, consistency and therapy are probably your best avenue to work your way through all this. As you do all that, try not to make any more mistakes, and being totally honest about this with continued efforts to improve communication will be good for both of you. Good luck and God bless.

[Judy-Somthing]

I'm sorry to hear that.

Last year I told my wife I had an interest in wearing dresses and it didn't go well, it took about three months for things to at least seem normal between us.
Then a few weeks ago my wife found my sz.13 heels, she freaked and said she would never have married me.

I told her I dressed since I was 8 and and stopped while our children wear growing up and now since they've all moved out I started dressing again.
I told her that I'm still the same person I've always been. I told her it's not fair for her to put me down and insult me, that I'm a good person.

Now she seems to be getting over the shock. She hasn't asked me if I'll continue to dress or want to. She's probably afraid of what my answer might be.

Our love life seems to be back to normal, I hope she not faking it. Time will tell.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I told her that I'm still the same person I've always been. I told her it's not fair for her to put me down and insult me, that I'm a good person.

Tara- this is a good example of simple assertive, honest communication. Judy knows exactly who she is and sticks up for herself without being rude. All she asks of her spouse is to see that she is still the same person regardless of what clothes she chooses to wear.

Your wife's response might be, 'But the person I married didn't wear dresses'. That's true, but does her love for you extend no deeper than a piece of fabric with flowers on?

She's in shock, so don't expect her to suddenly become accepting overnight, but I don't think it would be wise to say you'll quit crossdressing forever if she threatens to leave. The urge is just too strong in most of us for that to be genuinely possible, and remember Judy's words.

The most likely outcome is she'll end up saying you can do it as long as she doesn't have to see it. Don't Ask, Don't Tell: DADT. This is what many of us live with.

[Alaina R]

Based on personal experience I do not feel terribly qualified regarding your situation. I've read through the posts and a few of them, most particularly from those who have had somewhat similar issues to you, offer good advice. At this point I would totally back off, let your wife know that you are going to start therapy, and be the best partner you can be. Perhaps, over time, things will settle down and you and your wife will find a new equilibrium regarding this new reality. I imagine she will always hate that you are a crossdresser but that doesn't mean she cannot care about and love you as her husband.

[Sara Jessica]

I'd like to apologize to you for some of the comments you've just received. Obviously 'if you'd only thought about' or 'why didn't you' is useless at this stage and I can't imagine why people even bother replying in that spirit. Please don't let the negativity of a few individuals put you off the forum, there is a great deal of help to be had here- and it seems to be the best forum of its kind for crossdressers.

Yes, this is a terrific forum. Especially when there is balance in terms of the comments and advice offered. I don't think anyone appointed you the forum apologist so there really is no need to try to obscure the issues at hand by blowing puffs of pink smoke at the OP.

Speaking of OP, this person is disengaged from the thread so this must not be much of a crisis, or at least one for which our "advice" is desired, let alone acknowledged.

As for my point of view in this whole thing, it is twofold. First and foremost, I will side with any unsuspecting SO who is blindsided by such a revelation when it is done recklessly as was the case here. Even at best there might be a 50/50 chance for a good outcome. Despite the benefit of hindsight, what could one possibly expect based on what we have been told of this scenario? Could there have possibly been any expectation for a good outcome?

The second nugget I pulled from OP's own words reflected a significant inconsistency as I stated earlier: "just starting CD'ing and will never tell wife" to previously getting "caught" on a dating site so you can troll for CD'ers and full disclosure to your wife. All of this was within one day. As such, my reply reflected a healthy degree of skepticism and if OP wishes to come in and point out where I am mistaken, I'll be the first to apologize for myself. Until then, I will forever wonder how some people could make such potentially life-altering decisions based spending such a short amount of time on an internet forum.

[Julie MA]

Can't we all just get along?

[Becky Blue]

Tara, sorry to hear your story, I found the first 3 words of your Op very interesting "After some encouragement" who encouraged you and what did they say?

[sometimes_miss]

First and foremost, you need to find an experienced gender counselor who's dealt with this before. Sure, it might be easier to get her to go to a general psychologist, but then you will wind up with a 'his' therapist and a 'hers' therapist, and YOU will not have any idea of what she's discussing; even if they try to be balanced in how they discuss your 'unusual activities', if there's any question about support, her therapist will support her if she decides to jettison you from her life.
So, ultimately, she has to come to the realisation that her husband is not a cheating tomcat but is, instead, a deviant pervert? That's a tough realisation. At least 'cheating tomcat' has some social acceptance.
That's exactly what I went through; my wife found a slip that wasn't hers, and I had all of maybe 10 seconds to decide whether to tell the truth or lie and hope infidelity would be easier to overcome. I made the wrong choice, just like Tara. Unfortunately, once the cat is out of the bag, the damage is done.

I think you're on the wrong site if you think crossdressing immediately makes one a deviant pervert
Well, that IS how most people in the world outside this forum really think of us.

You could have avoided this whole mess by just being honest and up front from the start, difficult yes but better than lying and hiding something so important. Good luck.
HIndsight is 20/20 vision. So easy to criticize after the fact, isn't it. Besides, 'just being honest and up front from the start' often insures that there will BE no relationship afterwards. Most women aren't interested in marrying crossdressers. Lets not get into that argument again.

Right now she needs you to 'be the man she married' so do your best.
^this most of all. Right now, she's struggling with the image of you as a woman. Whatever you do, avoid reinforcing that at all costs. Even if she asks you to, DO NOT appear to her in any way, shape or form feminine. You do not want to reinforce any of her fears, or turn her off in any way. Because that's the killer; if she starts to find you completely sexually unattractive, you're done. Why? Because once the sexual desire is lost, love can soon follow. A woman without a love interest will then start looking for a replacement. And once she finds one, you're finished.

Be prepared for the worst. Keep a bug out bag (clothes, necessities) available somewhere with some cash on hand. If you have joint bank accounts, consider what you would do if she closed them, had the locks changed, and got a restraining order against you. Angry women will do some terrible things when they feel wronged. Don't ask me how I know.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

[Meghan4now]

My guess is that since she already busted him on a DATING site, she probably thinks that Tara is not just interested in cheating on her, but also a perv looking to hook up with guys. And a liar to boot. Not that this is true, but Tara has a significant trust and credibility issue to overcome. That takes time, and may be very difficult depending upon many factors that we are unaware of, both from Tara, and Tara's wife. Not an enviable position.

[Tina_gm]

Hi, and like others, sorry for your difficult situation. I agree with what Becky said about the encouragement.... not that I think it ever to be wrong for anyone to be truthful. To live authentically. But, here's where reality meets the road. Trans anything, even infrequent private cross dressing doesn't always agree with a good amount of people.

There are many members on this site and others who just know if they tell their partners it will go horribly. Many women want NOTHING to do with their "MAN" wearing so much as a pink sock.
We often read so many wonderful stories of acceptance. And sure it happens. Lots of open minded people out there. But lots who are not as well.

To the OP, yes you made some blunders in how you came out to her, and the "encouragement" probably didn't help you.

It can seem like everyone will accept anything on here by how some of it reads. I'm not saying telling her was wrong. But I am saying that you should have not been blindsided by your wife's reaction to this either. And hit her so hard with it all.

I understand that you are willing to quit, and you might, although you will most likely always desire to dress. Like others have said though, the genie is out of the bottle. At best I can see you entering into a strict DADT arrangement. At least for the foreseeable future.

I'm thinking also that her suggesting therapy does not mean you and her together with a gender therapist. I would advise against suggesting that to her.

Just do your best to show her that you have no desire to up end the life you have created with your family. Have one discussion that will bring you to a DADT arrangement. Oh, and one last piece of advice, wives generally don't like it when their husbands are caught on dating sites, especially transgender dating sites... so I'd stay away from those

[docrobbysherry]

Tara, u need professional help. Your SO may listen to what an experienced, qualified counselor tells u. Walk on egg shells around her until then. After u talk with a counselor, he/she will probably want to talk with her. Alone, or with u. This is the time to start explaining/defending yourself to her. When u have a professional to support u against all her real and imagined fears.

Do NOT do anything that will seem like confronting or challenging her current attitude that u r a traitor to her and your girls. Because she probably won't believe anything say now and that could make things even worse!:doh:

Don't sit and stew about this. You have no idea what she's imagining. Just know she's probably as scared as u r. Get professional help ASAP!:straightface:

[Brookf89]

Keep your head up Tara. There's lots of people here supporting you. Stay positive and I'm sure things will work themselves out with time 😊

[Sharon B.]

Went down that road twenty five plus year ago long before the internet. Thought it would stop once got married it did for a time but it wasn't long before it started back up again. I made the mistake of not telling her before hand. I thought it didn't matter because we had seen a movie where she thought it was alright for a man to cross-dress as I found out she didn't want her man to do it. She used that as the reason for a divorced, there were plenty other reasons but is good as the others. I hope it doesn't go that way for you.

[Sara Jessica]

OP doesn't care any longer and maybe never cared (no participation in thread). He flew the coop on 1/7.

[Jessica S]

Sara, I find it funny you don't want anyone to apologize for you, But you will speak for the OP. The OP last activity on this site was 1/22. So he saw all but the last three posts.

Someone else maybe helped by the advice/information from this thread.

[Sara Jessica]

Nice try Jessica.

From another thread, OP on 1/7/17......


For now, I am taking an indefinite break from Tara. It just isn't worth my marriage for, what amounts to, a hobby. I can still feel sexy in men's thongs (I think the issue before was that I didn't have the right ones for me) and the breast forms and bra never really did much for me. Tucking actually hurt my penis and scrotum. I am going to let my body hair grow back out (it actually just feels weird without it). Boy mode has always been my natural state. I know it sounds like I am making excuses, but I was really only after the satin and lace thongs.
I love my wife so much. She is worth it.

Same day as the first post in this thread. I guess indefinite break means different things to different people.

I stand by every word I wrote and even more so given that OP demonstrated zero interaction with respect to the replies here.

If this whole thing was real (which of course I have my doubts), the lesson here was that disclosure is something that one cannot be cavalier about. Yes, calling Captain Obvious but it never ceases to amaze me how often we see noobs dropping bombs in their real lives, all in the name of being emboldened by a freaking message board site. There is a lot to learn in these pages and at the same time, there is just as much to be cautious of.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Tara.......I have been there. My advice is go very slow, and when you decide on a path...think about it another day. Remember she is speaking out of hurt and anger. Anything you say today you can't take by tomorrow. Em

[Stacy Darling]

Hey there Tara, I was a very confident woman last week, I then decided to fully come out. Went well, Scars have almost gone (I can laugh about it now / No I can't )
If you are strong enough, go with it, you are not a weirdo poof skirt or whatevever you've been called, you are a Real Woman.
I REALLY WISH I could help, I'm here!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Tara:hugs:, It has been over a month now, How are things gone after the big reveal...:daydreaming:...

[IamTara]

Just thought I would give an update. I am seeing a counselor. My marriage is seemingly irreparably damaged. I haven't dressed in almost two months. My wife makes snide comments constantly. I am trying to work through it though. If I could go back, I wouldn't have told her.

[Diane Taylor]

Hopefully your wife's actions are just from the shock of being told about your crossdressing and things will calm down as time goes on. Good luck to you.