Do you sometimes drift away from how you feel you want to be?

[Bobbi46]

It happened to me right before Christmas, now completely divorced this was me free properly for the first Christmas but what with visiting my friends and everything else it was not possible to dress for what seemed ages and my feelings for femininity drifted away with the pressures surrounding me. I have got past that now and at last having a proper day to myself, when I woke up this morning my feelings hit me like a beautiful, gentle caress all over me and as I put my bra on I suddenly felt whole once again. A new sort of peace came over me as I felt fresh new feelings of femininity wash over me, a feeling of wanting to be the woman I want to emulate, the feeling of softness and peace. And more so of being able to be me. To look in a mirror and not see the drab me looking back but a feminine "Bobbi" looking back and saying to me here I am this is who and where I should be and this is how I should look all the time.

[Krisi]

I can't say that I've ever felt this way.

I'm suspecting that you may be a bit more than an average crossdresser. Maybe a transsexual at heart?

Anyway, whatever you feel you are, I hope you find what you want in life.

[Bobbi46]

In retrospect it was not only drifting away but circumstances forcing themselves on me and preventing me being myself, Transsexual something to look into I had not thought of myself as such but more gender fluid erring on the feminine side more than the masculine side of me which is a much smaller part of my life. Having feminine feelings within me is just part of the whole joy of being and feeling feminine when dressed.

[Tracii G]

Feelings are kind of like the ocean they come in and go out like waves.
Don't over think things and let life happen on its own.

[Dana44]

Indeed when life pressures happen, we do no get a chance and we do drift away and even in gender fluid. But when it comes back the feminine washes over us like a wave and it feels so refreshing. But as Tracii says, it washes like the ocean waves.

[HollyGreene]

I think I know what you mean. I've had long periods when I haven't been able to dress (except for panties, which I always wear) and that side of me kind of went into hibernation. I think it was just my mind telling me to forget it for a while to avoid the frustration and stress of not being able to dress. Sure enough, when I was able to dress again, the same old feelings came back.

[Bobbi46]

The feelings we have will never go away completely, who wants them to go anyway? these are feelings which help to enrich our lives, the feelings as Traci said are like ocean waves but gentle ones none the less, I did feel how the pressures of life can hold me back from what I want to do/be. its like a freedom that we seek but for some is not totally available for others it is something that can be pursued as and when. But for sure a soft way of life can be gained its like in a way a comfort blanket, take it away because of pressures and life gets crabby or frustrating because of the inability to live how we want to live.

[GretchenM]

Hi Bobbi,

I tend to think of this gender variance stuff not as a state of being but rather as a state of becoming. Most people I know, including myself, change or have changed over time, and sometimes very dramatically. I am nothing like I was 4 years ago when I was nuts with gender dysphoria and quite frankly probably a bit of a scary person. Much before that I was a rather scary and very angry guy. No violence; just an SOB to be around. Am I headed for complete change? I really don't think so - I am too happy being who I am now. That said, I know that the process of becoming really doesn't have an ending until one kicks the bucket.

You have just completed a divorce and now have much more freedom in a lot of ways. I have no idea how it was for you when married, but if it was a really nasty situation this change may be a bit like popping the top off a warm, well shaken beer bottle. In my opinion, let it flow and relish that gentleness you now have reacquired. You said, "I felt fresh new feelings of femininity wash over me ..." Wow, that is beautiful. Swim in it for awhile and then let it flow where it will. I do agree with Krisi that you may be a bit more than a cross-dresser - many of us are. But I don't recommend heading over to the transexual department to check things out just yet. Let yourself stabilize into this new life and I agree with Tracii that right now especially you should just let things happen and enjoy that fully. There is plenty of time to think and explore once you have adjusted to this new environment and new freedom to express as you wish.

Gretchen

[Bobbi46]

I totally agree with changing over time, I have changed, everybody does, but discovering my true self gave me a whole new way of looking at life and what life had thrown at me, interested and getting into dressing has all been part of a new evolution, a finding a safe new place in life, a way to experience a life style, finding the right status quo in life, finding out what one wants and needs out of life. I don't think about transition at all partly because I think I am the wrong end of life to consider such but also having just found my daughter after 15 years of not knowing where she was puts a different slant on the needs of gender orientation. gender fluid is what I feel I am but certainly I have strong feminine feelings and only find total peace, tranquillity when dressed. In some ways it is difficult to put into words ones true feelings about everything but one thing I am sure of is that I cannot and do not want to turn the clock back to what was before. Dressing will always be a part of my life as it is for everybody else but what a wonderful place to be. Krisi is right in what she says, yes I am more than just a crossdresser in that I don't dress just to be different, I dress because I want to but more so because I think deep inside me I am more feminine than masculine and dressing is way of life for me where peace can be found.

[docrobbysherry]

I've met quite a few CD's. But, can't recall any of them saying they did it to "be different". Of course, there MAY be some among the 1000's that visit this site.

I do know that dressing is a journey in itself. I don't believe I have a fem side that I'm trying to express or satisfy. For me, it's more like compulsion! One that began with nylons and bras 18 years ago. But, now has evolved to imitating movie stars.:battingeyelashes:

Good luck on YOUR journey, Bobbi!:thumbsup:

[Bobbi46]

Sherry , yes it is a journey in a way one that is pleasant but yes a journey of discovery, of exploring ones true self, and finding what one wants whether it is just to dress because of thrills or whether it is something embedded deep inside oneself. I think it is something embedded deep within myself, seeking to find Nirvana of life and finding it slowly on the way by evolving into the being that one wants to be