a really difficult moment

[Andrea Evadne]

Hi all,
I haven't been on in a long time, moved with my family to a new town, bought a new house, wife started new job, lots of life changes! And here is the biggie...I have done a lot of soul searching in this time, and I know that I have to let Andrea out full time. I feel like I am living a lie all the time being a man. It is gonna crush my wife, and I have no idea what to do about my kids, they are too young to understand. But it is getting stronger all the time, I am a woman inside, not a man, and I want the world to see me for who I am. I don't know if I would so far as as surgery or anything, but I am going to grow my hair long and am considering HRT. I MUST find a way to reconcile this with my family though. This is going to happen, one way or another, I just don't want it to destroy peoples lives....

any thoughts or advice?

[Jaylyn]

I say make sure what ever you do you can live with. The implications on your family, marriage, and your future. Think it all thru. Make sure you don't have a hard case of the fog. By your last statement though it sounds like a decision has been made "This is going to happen" and that sounds like you haven't talked to the wife a counselor, or a doctor. You asked for thoughts and this is mine. Take it slow and see what happens. If it is meant to be it will happen.

[Alberta_Pat]

I would suggest that you consider having a chat with a counselor familiar with gender issues.

There may be coping mechanisms that you can employ to help maintain the stability of your family.

[Micki_Finn]

I'm gonna guess that there is a very good chance of ruining lives. Have you ever talked to your wife about this? Would she be ok with it or are you planning on leaving? How sure are you that this isn't just a stress reaction to everything going on in your life? Not going to discourage you but I suggest lots of soul searching and discussions with your family.

[Jenny22]

Andrea, we know so little about you ... married, kids, age 41. I'm really surprised by your stated strong female feelings that you haven't had your own female / feminine things for a long time (you wear your wife's clothes) ! If we of this forum are to offer advice to help you with your challenges, we need to know more about you and what makes you feel as you do, such as to being a full time Andrea, would it negatively affect your employment? Please consider providing more info.

[rachelatshop]

Hi Andrea,
I hope that you consider what Jaylyn, Pat and Micki had to say because they are on the money. Marriage is a serious contract to enter into and when you got married you must have known that you had an interest in cross dressing. Did you discuss your dressing with your wife before or very soon after you got married (some of us think that the feeling will go away when we get married and sometimes they do for a time) but then you had children. What were you thinking??? You have a lot of talking to do and you really should consider the lives you will effect before you go whole hog
Best of luck

[docrobbysherry]

Andrea, u need help before u move forward. I strongly urge u to find an experienced counselor. See him/her before u do anything else. He/she can assist u in making the correct decision for u and yours.

[Andrea Evadne]

hi all, well here is the background on me! I have had strong leanings towards feninity since I was a teenager, and went through a phase of wearing my sisters clothes. Back then I was fairly sure I was going to transition at some point. It faded away when I started dating, and went travelling and I almost managed to forget it. It resurfaced for a couple of years when I lived in Denmark and had a job as a warehouse supervisor (spending my days surrounded by pretty clothes and lingerie didn't take long to get to me!) then I moved on and it faded again. I got married 7 years ago to my lovely wife, and I love her and my kids more than anything, but I have been wearing her clothes for a long time, and I long to let my female self take over. I love my wife, I'm heterosxual (well, 90 percent maybe) and I KNOW i have more to think about than my own feelings..but inside I am female and its an itch that never goes away, only gets stronger

- - - Updated - - -

and of course you are all correct. My wife knows I crossdress, but she doesn't know quite how much. I am pretty sure she thinks it is something i do for fun, not something i need. In a perfect world I would love to stay with her, and if it came to it i would squash Andrea back down again to keep my wife and family, but that would hurt bad...im sure you girls know that already!

[Dana44]

Andrea, do you communicate with your wife about this at all. I would say that you need to find gender therapist and that may help you come to terms with it.. Your kids and wife need you. I also have never worn any of my wives clothes and always have bought my own. My SO and I have different fashion styles and we do our own styles. Also sometimes even us gender fluid folks have a serious desire to be a woman, but coming to senses we know that will not work either. A gender therapist can help you come to terms.

[CONSUELO]

Andrea,
DocRobbysherry put it in a nutshell. Go find some good, experienced professional before doing anything.

[Stephanie47]

Yep, the counseling routine. My personal experience throughout life has been an uptick in angst leads to an uptick in cross dressing. Wearing women's clothing has always been something that soothes me and keeps me calm. All the life changes you listed in a short period of time would suggest a lot of turmoil. After finding out where you truly fall on the spectrum joint counseling should be helpful. I would give your wife more credit than you're giving her. Women don't think their husbands wear women's clothing for fun.

[JeanTG]

I agree with others. Get counseling. Like others, stress would always increase my urge to dress, though now I seem to have evolved to a phase of just wanting to dress all the time.

You don't want to make irreversible and life altering changes based on external stresses. It would make things immeasurably worse.

And remember my variant on the Golden Rule: "it's not all about me". Imagine you were a straight non-crossdresser and your wife came home and announced she was a lesbian and was leaving to be with her female lover, or simply had another man and was leaving. Imagine how devastated you'd be. If you're going to devastate your wife whom you claim to love, be pretty damned sure it's for the right reasons. Only a therapist familiar with gender issues, and isn't simply a pushover telling you to follow your "feelings", can help you make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

I thought I was in your situation. My therapist insists no, though I have significant gender dysphoria, I'd not be well served by irreversible physical changes. She instead pushes me to find a balance where I can express Jean without doing irreversible damage.

[IleneD]

Do nothing precipitous. Take a deep breath.
Proceed in baby steps with your wife at your side along the entire way.
While at times we feel like we're in a crisis, we actually are not. There's time and space to think this through.
Most of all, proceed with caution. Don't do anything that can't be un-done or un-said; nothing you can't live with forever.
Good luck. God's peace be with you. Most of the members here can understand and identify with what's swirling inside your head. You're not alone, BUT on this journey do everything possible to take your family along with you.

[phili]

Andrea,
All those things constitute a high stress environment- any one of them creates a lot of stress. We have to be mindful of how stress affects us- normally by reducing our sense of balance, resilience, problem-solving skills, etc! Against that backdrop, the many things that urge us to crossdress can feel overwhelming.

Consider this: It is the nature of our human psychologies that the more we are pent up and frustrated, the narrower our focus becomes, till we have target fixation on what we think will break open the pen. Our emotional survival is so important that it becomes all consuming, and we just want to break everything that is around us since it seems like it all is in the way, and must be the problem.

I can say from experience that just a little real freedom from the pen relieves the pressure and allows us to think in a more holistic way about our life, and feel the other satisfactions that compose life, and which generally we don't want to give up. Right now it appears you are feeling you can't have a wife and kids and be the person you want to be- but I'll lay odds that if you bring your focus to exactly what you would like to feel, emotionally- rather than do physically- and then take action to go ahead and have and express those feelings - you will feel a great relief and can move forward in balance.

Maybe you are transsexual, but there is a good chance as well that you are a man who is really pent up and being a woman seems the only way out- which is isn't, necessarily. Less drastic measures might really make a huge difference, but you have to give yourself permission to take new actions as a man.

[Aunt Kelly]

You have received some wonderful advice, Andrea. As she seems to often do, Ilene took the words right out of my mouth, so I'll just add a request that you open yourself to all the love and support pouring out for you here. Wrap yourself in that while you move forward.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Who initiated this move to a new town - you or your wife? Is she the main breadwinner? Does that somehow make you feel less of a man?

Do you feel as if you are not in control of your own destiny?

IMO your kids, as they are so young, will adapt very quickly to daddy suddenly wearing dresses. What will be far harder for them is your absence from their daily lives. Your wife may or may not be crushed by the change, but at this point you seem prepared to end your marriage rather than continue the status quo. These are very high stakes you're talking about and I think you're a little blinded right now.

You ask for advice. My advice is to get professional help to see your bigger picture, where you're at emotionally, not just in regard to crossdressing but in every aspect of your life. My feeling is that what you're going through is being triggered by more than just transgenderism.

Good luck Andrea, please keep in touch and let us know how it's going.

[Andrea Evadne]

you are right, she initiated the move for work reasons, and this is her hometown too. I still work from home and have the higher income, though our lives feel geared around her job. To be fair, I don't think I would leave her over this, but I would hope I could get her to accept that what she thinks of as a little fetish of mine is something rather more important than that. If she can't then I must find a way to adapt, I guess

[TrishaLake]

I nearly blew my life away but not speaking out counciling first and then telling my wife. I recovered nicely after but it took a long time. I would greatly suggest you speak to someone who can properly do this with you and your family. I could have saved myself some misery and time by doing this in a proper organized fashion.

[Jenny22]

Andrea, you now know that you are not alone. Many here have faced your serious challenge but have not transitioned. Heed their advice not only for your welfare but even more importantly, the welfare of you AND your lovely family. Professional counseling is an absolute must but only after you have revealed your innermost feelings to your wife. There are many posts about how others have done it and the successes and, yes, the failures. Become well informed about them. Once you two have evaluated where you then stand, there may also be medical alternatives that would meet your agreed needs without furthering your present feeling of transitioning. May the bond between you and your wife be strong as you delve into the next fazes of your lives!

[sometimes_miss]

Only when you accept that YOU are Andrea can you move forward. The whole concept of believing that it's a seperate 'part' that you can distance your male 'part' from, is a myth. It's all YOU. So now, knowing that you ARE Andrea, think about how you should proceed. Sometimes in our haste to satisfy one of our wants, we mess up everything else.