Why do words hurt

[Shelly Preston]

I had a recent encounter with the Police.

Most of my meeting in the past have been either polite or amazing. All of my encounters with them in the last five years have been "En Femme", Including this one.

This time it was not so good but it was the quickest meeting.

I was parked at the road side and it was very late when they pulled up beside me. After a brief discussion, and checking I had not been drinking.

He walked away and said "ok mate".

Its only two words, but it just hurt so much at the time.

[Aunt Kelly]

Sorry to hear about such painful encounter, Shelly. In 2017, such a comment is clearly and pointedly insulting, and inexcusable on the part of a public servant.

[Lana Mae]

Sorry to hear that you had to go through that abuse of power! Unfortunately, there are still a bunch of bigots out there! Hugs Lana Mae

[Rogina B]

Yes.."They"[people] do that to feel empowered and marginalize us. It hurts bad enough that we want to reply,but know that it is usually best to let it go.

[Helen_Highwater]

Shelly,

We can only hope that it was a slip of the tongue and not a deliberate barbed comment. While not seeking to defend that officer we're all human and sometimes revert to auto mode without intending to be malicious.

If however there was an inflection in the voice, an emphasis on the "mate" then that's unacceptable. The force concerned will no doubt have an equality manager so a polite letter requesting/suggest that LGBT awareness training might require a little re-enforcing.

I experienced something the same while I was on my last weeks holiday as Helen. No issues all week apart from one night having pumped fuel I went to pay and the cashier did the transaction and finished with "Thanks mate" without any attempt to be anything other than obvious I wasn't top of his friends requests on Face Book. I wasn't insulted just aware that there are still bigots out there who just should know better.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Shelly:hugs:, I'm sure that those two little words really made his day...:daydreaming:...

[XemmaX]

i have experienced this once or twice before. unfortunately there are alot of idiots out there still including police officers. you can make a complaint if you so please if you remember the officers number which is shown on the uniform. can be worthwhile.

[mykell]

so sad to hear that happened, dont take some small minded persons brief encounter to personal....yes bigotry is alive and well, folks just seem to take innocuous words and make them into weapons.....even here sometimes.....just try to remember that karma will need to be payed back....

i think for me they hurt because they have an intention, the folks who do this have an agenda, preconceived definition that they were taught and if only you had the time to instruct them you could change the opinion they hold on to....but we all know to well sometimes you cant fix stupid....

[GretchenM]

Back in the 60's when men had long hair, my wife was called a guy one time. We had been backpacking and camping for several days. It hurt, but the fellow apologized when he looked closer. Back when I was desperately trying to bury the girl in me, I even did that on occasion. I could see the hurt and my action may have hurt me more than it hurt them. Quickly decided that was not a good thing to do, for them or me. The fact is, when you are non-conforming with the masses, no matter what it is, you are subject to such hurtful things being said. You can conform and end up driving yourself crazy constantly denying who you are or you can use your non-conformance and help teach acceptance in little or large ways. As for talking back to a police officer when you have been approached as being possibly suspicious, I don't recommend it. Let it go and move on. You never know when you have been contacted by one who is a member of the intolerant crowd. That said, most police in my community are very tolerant and if you are different they accept it - but not all. Always be respectful with the police and you won't find out the hard way which kind of person they are.

[donnalee]

A good reply might have been "You're welcome, Ma'am."

[DIANEF]

Sorry to hear what happened but I did receive a parcel from the postie and without really looking said 'thanks mate'. Turns out it was a girl with short hair and she was gone before I could apologize.

[ClosetED]

It is sad that it hurt you, but there is a way to look at it positively. The uncanny valley theory, that people get more visceral reaction to things close but not actually what they thought (in studying robots that looked somewhat to very human), would support that you looked very feminine, but once something gave you away, they reacted more strongly because you were so convincing.
Hope that takes the edge off the encounter.
Hugs, Ellen

[Tamara Croft]

I think that was rude, a police officer should act professional at all times. You are not his 'mate' you are a member of the public and should be addressed as such.

If it happens again, take his badge number and let his superior know he needs an etiquette lesson!!

[Jodi]

My advice is to get a thicker skin. the comment was probably a slip of the tongue.

Years ago, an experienced drag queen told me--always remember, it takes a big set of balls to be a tranny".

This is a classic case of needing bigger balls and not sweating the small stuff.

jodi

[Rachael Leigh]

Sorry to hear that it still seems to be addressed by proper pronouns is still a long ways off.

[Roberta Lynn]

Hi Shelly,
It’s too bad there will always be jerks in this world. Worse yet some of them are public servants,
If he didn’t, he should have know better. He should of treated you with respect.
I suppose the only positive you can take away from this two person encounter is that one person was a jerk, and the other was you.
:hugs:

[Ressie]

I think it depends on where you are on the TG spectrum. I wouldn't be hurt or offended myself. After all my driver's license has an X next to M.

[Allisa]

Yes they do hurt especially from a form of authority, who are there to, as it's said (here in the USA) "TO SERVE AND PROTECT" printed on most police vehicles. Filing a complaint may just fuel his prejudice and if a local officer may cause more trouble than it's worth. I have had encounters with the police and they knew from my I.D. what my gender is and although not addressing me wrongly they just "dismissed" me by not addressing it at all which kind of hurt as if I wasn't worth their time and breath. Sorry that happened to you, but try and put it behind you.

[joandher]

I was in town (manchester u.k. ) one night dressed to kill, and there was a lady police officer on a horse , she was having trouble with her stirrup light, i stopped and fixed it for her,she was quite chatty after and said i looked very nice, and then said have a great night dear and stay safe .just a difference

[Sarah Doepner]

Been called sir or referred to as "that gentleman" and yes, it hurts.

Why? Probably the only reason that matters is we allow them to hurt. We are hurt by words when we are sensitive to what we perceive as the intent to diminish us one way or another. We have to be our own best supporter at times like that and let their words wash over us. We are doing our best to create who we want to be seen as and when this happens it takes our efforts and cancels them out. Does it always work? No. Have I been able to handle it like that all the time? No, not even close. Good luck and just count on most of those who do that will never see you again and their opinion doesn't really matter in the long run.

[Karmen]

I never really understood why should bother you if a policeman or anyone else speaks to you as he or she is speaking to a men, if they're polite otherwise. I know, we would like to look like women, but we are still males, no matter how we dress. For people out of our circles that is confusing enough. It probably doesn't even come on their mind that they should speak to us as if they are speaking to a lady. I'm just happy if they're polite and discrete. I don't expect to be treated as a lady. I know what I am, a men in a dress, not someone who is doing a transition and trying to become a real women.

[Dana44]

I can understand that they way he said might hurt. However, I would let it go. Most people call me a mam when out. But I would not be surprised if somebody call me out and say okay sir. LOL it comes with the territory.

[mykell]

heres the rub for me, you grow up your whole life confused and ashamed.....you finally come to terms that you are a women, so hormones, painful surgeries, therapy and im sure i missed something.....but you were unable to fix the gender on your license, he's a peace officer, they are constantly trained and retrained, why should he make the assumption of who shelly is.... words hurt even if no slight was the intention....

[Amelie]

Hi Shelly.

The more you are out and about the more you'll hear words that hurt. Even though words hurt you on the inside don't let them know it hurts you. Just continue on with your head high.

It could have been a wee bit worse. It could have been an incident that happened to me when a cop pointed a gun at me. I kinda wish all he did was call me sir.

[Tracii G]

Just something you have to live with. Whats done is done so move on.

[Georgette_USA]

You didn't mention if he checked your license or ran your tag on his computer. Don't know what the procedures are in UK.

If all that happened was that he said "OK Mate" and left. Yes it might make you feel bad, but as others have said "grow thicker skin".

When I was caught back in 1973, he didn't say anything bad, but did report it back to my command. I was in US Navy at the time, he saw my military ID and base sticker on my car.

[TrishaLake]

Little man disease to me, I know its hard but I would shrug it off. He is miserable, you are not.

[Becky Blue]

Sorry to hear Shelly, alas there will always be haters, not just of us but of everyone. I always feel sorry for haters they hate because they are usually ignorant/unintelligent/losers/jealous or some combination thereof

[Jean 103]

I look at these occurrences as a slip of the tongue. If it was from someone who does not know me I give it zero attention. As for my friends, they accept me as I am so they deserve a break when it comes to pronouns. So a week ago Sunday I stopped by the bar for a couple games of pool. I walk in and a friend I play pool with is there. He jumps off his stool and says I’ll rack. I break, so he is shooting and his stick hits one of my balls. So that’s a foul, not that I care, anyway he says something about touching my balls like guys would say to each other. I missed it, but he felt he needed to apologize to me. I know him to be a loving father that one of his kids is TG. My point is some might take speech as offensive that is not meant that way. Not to say that I haven’t been sired by someone trying to make a point. It’s just I don’t care. The one time I was pulled over dressed the officer was very nice and professional.

[Shelly Preston]

Firstly, thank you for all the replies

It was the quickest encounter I have had with the police. No checking of who I was or asking for my licence.
I think his biggest concern was looking for a drunk driver


I think that was rude, a police officer should act professional at all times. You are not his 'mate' you are a member of the public and should be addressed as such.

If it happens again, take his badge number and let his superior know he needs an etiquette lesson!!

Tamara, If I had thought it was deliberate act I would have reported it.


My advice is to get a thicker skin. the comment was probably a slip of the tongue.

Years ago, an experienced drag queen told me--always remember, it takes a big set of balls to be a tranny".

This is a classic case of needing bigger balls and not sweating the small stuff.

jodi

Jodi, My skin is pretty thick I have had a very few encounters with real idiots and you just let it go as many have said.

However, getting a thicker skin is not the answer for everyone.

I would say his comments caught me by surprise due to having had great experiences with the police in the past.


I never really understood why should bother you if a policeman or anyone else speaks to you as he or she is speaking to a men, if they're polite otherwise. I know, we would like to look like women, but we are still males, no matter how we dress. For people out of our circles that is confusing enough. It probably doesn't even come on their mind that they should speak to us as if they are speaking to a lady. I'm just happy if they're polite and discrete. I don't expect to be treated as a lady. I know what I am, a men in a dress, not someone who is doing a transition and trying to become a real women.

Kamen, If you see yourself as a man in a dress, then I would agree.

Police get "Diversity Training" as part of their job.


Hi Shelly.

The more you are out and about the more you'll hear words that hurt. Even though words hurt you on the inside don't let them know it hurts you. Just continue on with your head high.

It could have been a wee bit worse. It could have been an incident that happened to me when a cop pointed a gun at me. I kinda wish all he did was call me sir.

Amile, Your encounter must have been real scary.

I am out and about in a regular basis. By regular I mean almost every where I go be it grocery shopping, a night out or visiting friends.

Finally to those who say let it go I have. That does not mean it did not hurt at the time.

[GaleWarning]

'Sticks and Stones
May Break my Bones
But Words will Never Hurt Me!'

To put it another way,
I have learned that the only one who is diminished when they deliberately try to put you down, is the one being rude.
Their integrity is called into question, not yours.

Don't allow others to dictate how you feel, ever.

My 2p, Shelly.

[Teresa]

Shelly,
The word mate is used in in different ways around the UK. To some it can mean a close work coleague , to others more of a soul mate. Often you'll hear a GG refer to her work friends as mates or others in a team as mates.

The only time I knew we were in for it was when a maths teacher called us , " Matey !" that meant were going to be punsihed in some way !

I'm sorry you found his words offensive, we all know that the police have to make provision for the TG community within their own ranks, OK he should have known better.