Life in the Closet

[Lacey New]

The other day my SO took off for a business trip and she will be gone for about a week. I have been secretly delighted waiting in anticipation of the day so that I could get dressed up, do a little shopping and go about my days at least underdressed. But the whole thing got me thinking about my life in the closet and wondering if I am in a distinct minority here on this site. I read about the various "adventures" of other members here on this site and how they go out and about dressed and shop with their spouses and order things online, etc, etc. Certainly, I am to a certain degree envious and I also admire their courage for coming out to others even if it is only to one other special person. However, I am one who is completely in the closet. I have a small, well hidden stash and my SO has no idea about my CDing. Yes, there are some sales associates who have seen this guy purchase women's lingerie with cash and there are even sales associated at a dress barn who have helped me try on and purchase a dress. But other than that, my crossdressing is completely private and anonymous unlike so many sisters on this site. So I wonder, are there other submarine crossdressers out there on this site? Are your experiences the same?

[TracyUK]

Lacey,
Your story could be mine, you are not alone there are many of the girls on here in the same situation.
I have a bag that contains my whole stash and do so wish that I could have the wardrobe some others
have. Unfortunate but this is my lot, my dressing is a snatched hour or two most of the time.

Hugs - Tracy

[Meghan4now]

Sure there are others. I think that on this forum, those that post or reply more often might have a more open or out existence. But even within that subset, there are clearly those firmly in the closet, and those in DADT or modified DADT.

There are over 25000 "members", and only about 10% have posted 100 times, and this is over time. I'm sure a great number of them probably joined for a short time, and decided that this wasn't for them, or they prefer just to read. I would be willing to bet that the percentage of them totally in the closet is greater than those that share a lot.

But don't worry, break the mold a little. If you want to hear more in the closet thoughts, prime the pump and contribute. Be the change you want to see.

[Lana Mae]

Sort of still in the closet but ready to burst out! Drove car twice without wig or makeup. At transformation, went wig shopping fully dressed! Planning a visit to a MAC counter to get a color palette some time soon. Still do all my full dressing at home and underdress in between. A girl has to do what a girl has to do! Hugs Lana Mae

[Alice_2014_B]

I'm in the closet to many people, only a select few know.

I just told, and shared pictures with, a female-friend, she showed some to her husband.

And I'm not counting everyone in the audience when I did stand-up comedy en femme; I long to do that again (stinkin' work schedule, but I'm very grateful for the well-paying job).

:)

[Rhandi Spencer]

Lacey,
I cannot speak for others, but yeah still in the closet.
I was having a great conversation with a friend here and she said that if you are not out to those that are close to you, then still in the closet. I do not want to get into a discussion if this is right or wrong just what she said, and it makes a lot of sense to me.

I recently posted I told my cousin, and since then have told 2 other friends one fairly close. This opened up a lot of conversation.

I go shopping in drab, have never tried a dress on in a store. I order most things online with a pre-paid credit card, and get them shipped to my workplace.
I have an area in the garage that if my kids or SO opened it OH MY that would not be a good thing.

I get 2-3 hours once a month that I can get dressed and take a few photos. I want to get a make-over and learn makeup but there is not any time in the schedule for this. Am I content? At the moment, but things ae changing and I want to say something to SO, just not yet.

Have a beautiful day.

Heidi

[SusieB]

Lacey

I know exactly how you feel. My experience is similar. It can get very lonely when one is as deep in the closet as I am. I also greatly admire those who are out and about and I applaud your ability to only be "to a certain degree envious". But, nothing good will come from feeling sorry for myself so I make the most of those few opportunities I get.

[Helen_Highwater]

Lacey,

We're in it together it seems. Totally in the closet but I have from time to time spent extended time enfemme while away from home. My shopping is usually online and then picked up from a convenience store nearby but while on one of my away periods I'll hit the shops with a vengeance and do as many things as I can enfemme.

It would be great to be out to my SO but at the moment it's a risk I'm not prepared to take. Certainly not ideal but something I can live with. So in answer to your question, no you're not alone in your situation. There are many of us here. I'm just grateful that I've been able to get out into the world dressed and not confined to four walls.

[Stephanie47]

No, you're not alone. It's seems to be the pattern for the majority of men who like to wear women's clothing. It also seems that many, if not most, men catch a few crumbs of time here and there. I really do not see many cross dressers out in the wild. Even with the Pacific Northwest being liberal most men are going to be secretive. I've seen exactly three in the wild in my small city over the four decades I've lived here.

Me? <y wife is aware that I like to wear women's clothing. It is "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." She is deeper into the closet on this issue than I am. She utters no words at all. Once or twice I had failed to pack away a pair of panties or a bra or left water balloons in the sink. No big issue. I would really love it if she would throw a barb at me so a conversation could start. My stash? Well, dress number 153 is on the way from the mid west. I have just started another Xerox box of storage of my feminine ware. That makes 19 Xerox boxes. Plus there are other boxes around with hosiery, shoes, and more lingerie. The boxes are stacked in plain sight but obscured by her unwillingness to enter our storage room. They're stacked right next to the 25 cubic foot freezer from which she retrieves ice cream on a regular basis.

Currently my wife is off from work due to a chemotherapy for cancer. When she was working I had seven hours a day when school is on to dress totally en femme. I did all the domestic chores a la June Cleaver. When our daughter was living in the mid west she took trips that lasted seven to ten days. Then I had the opportunity to be en femme 24/7 for days. I did take evening strolls through safe residential neighborhoods. I had my fill every year. But alas our daughter moved back home with her husband. No 24/7 for days on end.

I understand my wife's reluctance to let Stephanie enter our lives. There are issues that are from a period of time predating my entry in her life. She married a man and wants her husband to be exactly what she fell in love with.

So, you're not alone.

[Swimtran]

I was in the same situation for decades until a few months ago, when I forgot to hide my stash, and my wife found it. I had wanted to tell her over the years but I never found the courage. I won't lie to you: she didn't take it well. It went about as badly as you would fear.

I wonder if it would have gone better if I had eased her into the idea, rather than having her find out so suddenly. As it stands, she was completely unprepared for the shock, so now we're DADT.

Still, we're better off now. I'm relieved of this not so terrible secret, and hope that she'll come around to it someday.

You should surely bring her up to speed. It's terrifying, I know, but it's for the best.

[CONSUELO]

From reading the replies to the original post it seems that there are degrees of being in the closet. Lacey calls herself a submarine cross dresser. Others say they have a DADT arrangement in which their SO's choose to ignore what is obvious, while still others believe they are still in the closet and will only be out if all their family, friends and colleagues know.

Within the Gay community it seems that coming out of the closet means being completely open to the public as well as family. I wonder how many members would meet that definition. My suspicion is that the majority of the cross dressing community is still well within the closet. Does that mean we are ashamed of being cross dressers and in turn does that color the reaction of others to cross dressing?

[DIANEF]

Hi Lacey, another one firmly in the closet here, no-one except those on this forum know about me. I have been out dressed but its a fairly recent thing, and have bought female stuff in drab only. I did have a timescale for coming out to my wife, but recent stories on here where things have gone badly wrong make me wonder if telling is the right thing to do. I would love to have an accepting SO, I'd even settle for the far from ideal DADT, but the chances of either are slim. My stash is fairly large and is hidden in the attic, fortunately my wife never ventures there as she is scared of heights and going up ladders. I'm praying for the day when things will change.

[mdavis]

However, I am one who is completely in the closet?........So I wonder, are there other submarine crossdressers out there on this site? Are your experiences the same?

Nope, you're not the only one in the closet. My situation is much like yours. As a matter of fact, my wife is travelling to europe for three weeks at the beginning of April and I'm already excited about being able to dress almost daily while she's gone. (we're empty nesters) I've got my stash in two bags in the closet and it has spilled over into a suitcase (have to be careful about that one. hope that's not the one she wants to take to europe). I'm usually able to dress when I have a day off and she works or, since I work the afternoon shift, I can dress some days if she is working during the day (happens quite a bit when our schedules run opposite)

Hang in there darling.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Lacey, From reading, it looks like this is a pretty big closet, and I am in it too. It is a bummer to sneak around, look before leaving the house, looking for a quiet park or parking lot, always watching out for someone I may know. Ya a bummer, especially seeing so many others with understanding SOs, and family. The good thing is we are here for each other, we can share our frustration and dreams. I hopefully will have some Brenda time on the 20th, but with little doubt alone. Closet for me means I don't share my crossdressing with anyone, but I do go out, just for the excitement of blending. Brenda

[Fiona123]

I consider myself very closeted, though I am dadt with my wife. I love to dress but at home only - never in public. I have recently started therapy & would like to be more out (as transgendered). My therapist obsevered that we hide in our self made closets because we think the closet is a safe place, but at some point the safety becomes illusory. Oh well... I need to get to work.

[Christie ann]

Yup still in the closet and very low key with only occasional adventures.

[Crissy Kay]

Yes, I am a closet girl. But unlike most, I remain very happy to be so. Just this last week, my wife was away, so I got some nice dressing time in. I do find it interesting reading about the girls who do go out. But it just holds no interest for me.

[Jennifer Michelle]

If you want to get technical I am a mostly closeted crossdresser I was for the longest time. I only recently decided to tell my mom and sister about my crossdressing. So aside from them no one else knows to my knowledge except maybe a couple SAs at Payless so you aren't alone out there lol. But I admit it was kind of a relief telling someone about it. It feels like a giant weight off your shoulders especially if you find that they are accepting of your crossdressing. :)

[Barbara Black]

That's what this site is for, finding your place in the sun, or out of it if it's too bright out there. All of us have changed to some degree or another, and perhaps a few choose to remain where they are. It is totally their option to find themselves, you included. We just offer our experience and suggestions to help you to get to whatever place you feel comfortable in, as painfully as possible.

[Scarlett Viktoria]

Only my wife and a couple friends know. I have been out of the house dressed a few times but still consider myself closeted.

[Kandi Robbins]

I go out all the time! Been out well over a hundred plus times just the past year. Except within the general area around our home, I'll go anywhere and do anything dressed.

Now let's turn the clock back just a little over 2 years. CD my entire very lengthy life. Hated it and myself for it. Bought more clothes than I currently own (and that's a lot), throwing them all away after a day, an afternoon or even in many cases an hour. Never fully dressed, never wore makeup or a wig, couldn't stand that I did this. It was a compulsion and haunted me under certain circumstances (like heavy stress for example). Fortunately raising a family helped fill the void, tying up precious mental real estate, helping me fight it off.

Are you alone? Absolutely not. Certainly within this forum and certainly within the parameters of many who remain silent and no one knows about them (me, 2 years back).

[Jackie7]

Lacey I was exactly like you for more than 20 years. My ex-wife found my stuff in the early years of our marriage and the explosion was so fierce that DADT became the law of the land. I kept my stash in a locked satchel in the trunk of my car, and wore my finery either as secret under-dressing, or on stolen evenings in some nondescript motel while traveling on business.

I didn't know what else to do for all those years but the pressure was building all through my 40s and 50s, and when my mother passed in 2000, when I was 54, the lid blew off.

[Lacey New]

Thank you all for your replies. It's wonderful to have this network. I never thought that I would or could actually go into a store and try on a dress until I started conversing with folks on this site about their shopping experiences. So, all of your feedback has been valuable to me. I know there are many who encourage coming out to the wife / SO. There are also those folks who have had bad experiences. I do not in any way think mine would accept it or even accept an DADT relationship - it would be nothing but ugly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset or terribly stressed about my lot in life and I look forward to the moments when I can dress. I'm just curious to see how others in my situation handle it and it seems like we all are going through much of the same. We probably would have been great spies don't ya think?

[Becky Blue]

Lacey, you most definitely are not alone. I am not sure what the definition of being in the closet is, but I have not told me wife nor any friends or family. I have however been able to go out quite a few times over the years due to work or other circumstances and at times am also able to dress safely at home.
When the planets don't align for me its this site and some Facebook friends that are Becky's lifeline.

[RADER]

I am in the closet, I went ahead some years back and built a bigger closet to Rome around in.
My wife as OK with my dressing, but being a Lumber-jack in appearance, My passing was going to be
impossible. So it was and still is the Closet (Home) for me to wonder around in.
I do under dress every day; Bra, Panties, and female jeans.
Rader

[JeanTG]

Semi-closeted. My wife has known since before we were married. But it's still DADT except that I can wear panties and no longer wear male underwear. Therapist knows. A pastor knows. A former colleague knows. But like Rader, passing is impossible for me so I sit in the closet. Or at least alone in the house when my wife is away. Fortunately I work from home and get to dress a few times a week.

[Shely]

Sounds like my story too. My SO knows but she is the only one and we DADT, not real rewarding. I get a few hours once a week, if i am lucky and lately it hasn't been in the cards. I do all my shopping at thrift stores and on line and will probably never go to the mall dressed. I did once or twice drive around a little bit in a dress and etc. BUT I literally love the feeling i get when i am all dress up. Enjoy what you can while you can.

[Kat42]

My spousal unit (FAB) knows of my CD tendencies and has known prior to our matrimonial vows. Still a DADT situation. I don't push it due to our offspring unit.. Who doesn't need any confusions in the maturation process

$.02

[bridget thronton]

It is not really that some may think you should tell your wife - rather that it often seems worse for some wives when they discover the dressing accidentally after years of hiding - only you know which is best

[~Joanne~]

I am out to my SO and she has never said a negative thing to date about my dressing. We shop together for whatever it is, femme or drab, and have a nice day of it but other than her, I am still completely in the closet and I don't plan on coming out any time soon. These girls here that go out and about and have these adventures were also in the closet at some point.

Time changes things, you never know what changes lie a head of you. It's whether you embrace them when they come or not. No one here should tell you whether you should or shouldn't tell your wife. Only you have the answer to that but let me tell you, telling my SO was the best thing I ever did as is the proof that I am sitting here typing this fully dressed while she is 3 feet away doing her thing as she normally does. The stress that was lifted is also beyond words when I told her. Not quite the way or time I imagined but there was no fallout.

That unfortunately doesn't work with all sisters in all situations though so I would only do it if you have a reasonable idea as to how your wife will react. You know her better than anyone else. You surly don't want her finding your stash though, the first thing she will think is your cheating on her and that never ever really pans out well.

[Sometimes Steffi]

It depends on you're definition of closet. Even though I'm not out at work, and no one in my family, except my wife knows, I consider myself out. Several of my doctors have been read into the program. Several others have been left to speculate why my toes are painted. The reason is that I did not think is was worth removing a perfectly good manicure just to go to the doctors. Several therapists I've gone to know a great deal. I must be on a first name basis with over a hundred TG girls, some of whom I see regularly. I've bought clothes in person in over a dozen stores, mostly in male mode. I've bought hundreds of items on eBay and had them shipped to my PO Box in my male name. I've even gone to church (not mine) en femme a couple of times with TS friends.

So, what do you think? In or out?

And to Lacey, look up my previous posts about the DC Trans ladies meetups. There are at least a half a dozen girls here that are regular, and some more who are occasional attendees.

[docrobbysherry]

I am a closet dresser. Yes! Yes! U may know all about Sherry's exploits. But, I only go out dressed with, or to meet, other dressers.:hugs:

Otherwise, I'd be content to never go out dressed again. And, I have ZERO interest in going out dressed to vanilla venues like the mall, shopping, Denny's, etc., etc.:thumbsdn:

[mbmeen12]

Similar story. My ex wife knew and sat with me dressed. Current SO/gf knows, its turned into DADT. Also not a real rewarding experience with current gf, only because she loves the perception of, " the man" in me, more than Kara.

[Amelie]

I use to go out all the time, mostly at night cause I liked clubbing. And I was sort of a nightowl. I rode the subways/buses, went shopping, just every thing a goth woman would do. But now I am sort of in a closet, a closet of life. I have no desire to go out, see people or do anything. I just don't like people much anymore, been hurt too many times. I'd rather just sit at home on the mountain looking at nature, that pleases me so much nowadays. Sometimes I go online for a bit of chat but even with that I don't get online much.

[Ressie]

I don't have any reason to come out to family, friends, neighbors and coworkers. But at this point in my life, if they find out it won't be the end of the world. Of course, I've been single for 12 years now.

Keeping this secret completely to one's self causes too much tension and worry IMO. That's what's so great about being able to share here. I've told a few close people (to me) throughout my life, so I'm sure that some of them did a bit of gossiping. I have no idea how many people in the real world have heard rumors. It's kind of like DADT to people I associate with, mostly family members.

[HollyGreene]

My wife knows about my underwear, but not about the rest of my clothes. She also knows about my forms and rightly assumes they are to pad my bras, so still thinks it's restricted to underwear. She accepts that I wear womens' underwear 24/7 but doesn't really understand it.
My first wife knew only about the underwear, too.
A girlfriend many years ago used to let me wear her clothes, so I was fully out to her, but that's all.
So you could say I am in the closet, but with one foot out the door.

[Helen_Highwater]

Semi-closeted. But like Rader, passing is impossible for me so I sit in the closet.

I don't want to go off post but I think it's worth re-iterating. Very very very few of us pass. As I posted earlier in the thread I'm totally in the closet to SO, family, friends. However when the opportunity presents itself I go out and mingle dressed. I dress to blend and act confident, normal. I've lost count of how many hours I've spent out and about with the muggles. I've traveled on public transport and been read by ticket collectors and fellow travelers. SA's clock me every time. What I can do is blend well enough to be able to walk through a shopping mall without everyone stopping to point or even comment to their friends. If I had to put a figure to it, 99% of the folks I walk past don't even look at me close enough to know I'm a CD.

In all my adventures NOTHING bad has happened. In fact quite the contrary. I've chatted to SA's, had conversations with fellow passengers on trains and buses, ate in restaurants and been treated with the utmost of respect. But I don't pass. And I don't care that I don't pass. I'm just doing things that I can do 'cus I ain't breaking the law and it's how I what to present to the world ( opportunity arising ).

I wouldn't want to put any undue pressure on anyone here to do something they're uncomfortable with. The closet however is what you make of it. Reading many of the posts here, like me, being closeted doesn't mean that it has to be to the world.

[Ally 2112]

My x wife and x GF knew . These days im pretty well hidden and as much as i would like to go forward and expand my horizons i just do not see it happening at this point

[Teresa]

Lacey,
A while ago I posted a thread asking about wanting to be out, 67% said they were out or wanted to be out, about 6 said they were happy in the closet.

There are no rules, you do what you are comfortable with and what fills your needs. The question is slightly ambiguous as I'm out to all my family and their married partners but none of them have seen me, so it's a kind of semi-closet situation. Many others have seen me dressed in reality or viewed my pictures, the point is I'm not too worried anymore, it's a part of me that I can't change , I'm not ashamed of it so why should I hide it . I have made more friends from them knowing I'm a Cder than losing them through it, my wife is the only one that struggles to deal with it.

[phili]

I spent most of my life thinking that my only option was the closet, so that kind of worked. Then I tried to harmonize the part of myself so I could be more fully present with my wife. Being out of the closet with her is a negative, and I'm not blaming her- I think she really has a large investment in me being masculine and normal, and considering her needs is important to me. So in that sense I have gone back in the closet and been frank with myself that mining that experience for all it is worth is still valuable. More hours in every outfit I always wanted is paying off.

I'm still out of the closet in that I am going out and interacting with real people in neutral contexts, and as long as my wife doesn't actually see me her emotions about it are much less virulent, so that is a compromise I am making- I need to be around people, but it can't be her since it hurts her too much.

The good news is that I am finally treating crossdressing as a real option in life and considering its pluses and minuses in the same way any woman might ask herself whether to wear that new and special dress,or not, to the office lunch. I think that is all I can expect- and for all this I am very grateful to all that has come from going out.

I do think now that embracing the closet life more positively and fully would actually accomplish a lot of that- when I am home all day in a dress, and take steps to ensure that the sexualized aspects are not driving the bus for me all the time, then I find the feminine qualities start to feel normal, and aren't suppressed any more, so they come out more now even if my clothes are more traditional men's clothes. My choices in men's clothes are shifting, and overall I am feeling like it no longer has to be sold in the women's dept for it to work to release my formerly split off self pieces.

[PattiL]

Lacey,
Based on the responses you're not alone. I'm in the same boat as you are except I've had a few makeovers. I never went out after them as I didn't have the nerve. I used to keep my stash at home until there was an uncomfortably close call. Now it's in a storage locker which keeps things simple. If I ever told my wife the results would be ugly.