New girlfriend and questions about letting her know.

[flander]

Crossdressing is something that I have experienced ever since I started hitting puberty.
I have tried to embrace it, purge it, ignore it, but it still always lingers in my mind.
I have been to a couple counselors about it before, and tried to better understand myself. It's not going away.
The extent of my crossdressing comes and goes in waves. I have been fully dressed up as a woman, but other times in life I just crave to wear panties and pleasure myself sexually.

My biggest concern is how my new girlfriend would take it.
This girl is really promising and I could see myself marrying her.
I have had girlfriends despise it, love it, be indifferent to it etc.

When should I tell my new girlfriend about it, and how should I approach it?
I have tried many different approaches. The one that got the worst response was starting out saying something like "I have something I really need to tell you..." and kinda playing it up like it was a big deal.
The problem is that crossdressing is kinda a big deal to me, but I don't wanna tell my girlfriend this and scare her off. Bringing it up too casually might not be fair and conceal the extent to which it is part of my life, but playing it up might cause her to think that there is reason for concern.

In the past I have shared some kinky fetishes with her and she has to me as well, so we are pretty open about talking about intimate stuff at this point.
What's different about crossdressing is that it's not only a fetish, but it plays a part of my identity. It is a way to express my feminine side in an extreme way.
Crossdressing also has a negative connotation with a large amount of people, so I'm scared what she would think.

I'm just curious if you guys have any advice or past experiences with girlfriends because I know I'm going to have to tell her eventually.

[Tracii G]

Welcome to the forum.
You should own it and tell her. You owe her the common courtesy by being honest.
If she can't deal with it and breaks it off then let her go. You wouldn't want to be married to her if that is the case.
You haven't mentioned your age so far.
If you are young then there are more women out there so keep looking.
If you are older you know better than to lie and not let her know about that part of you.

[flander]

Welcome to the forum.
You should own it and tell her. You owe her the common courtesy by being honest.
If she can't deal with it and breaks it off then let her go. You wouldn't want to be married to her if that is the case.
You haven't mentioned your age so far.
I am definitely going to tell her, but is it better to do it sooner than later?
Do you think we should talk about it in person or over the phone?
I don't see her until Friday.

P.S. I am 22

[Dana44]

I came out to my GF and she was a bit shocked. She asked to see my clothes and I got them and showed her each one. I had dressed and wanted to do housework and she got a bit upset and I put my clothes away. In a week she asked me why I did not want to dress. I said I put my clothes away. She said don't do that, let me wash them and lets find a place for them. I don' want you not be you. Then we did a lot of communicating about it. She is fully accepting and it is so nice. So Communication is the prime way to get it started. It is you and try to explain that to her and that is no issue on some boundaries that she may have. .Do tell her in person. Not on the phone and be prepared to answer any question.

[flander]

I came out to my GF and she was a bit shocked. She asked to see my clothes and I got them and showed her each one. I had dressed and wanted to do housework and she got a bit anise and I put my clothes away. In a week she asked me why I did not want to dress. I said I put my clothes away. She said don't do that, let me ash them and lets find a place for them. I don' want you not be you. Then we did a lot of communicating about it. She is fully accepting and it is so nice. So Communication is the prime way to get it started. It is you and try to explain that to her and that is no issue on some boundaries that she may have. .

So how long did you wait until telling her?

[Rachelakld]

I told my girlfriend when the relationship got serious - not just sexual but where we were both thinking about settleing down together.
The longer you wait, the more of both her life and yours you may have wasted on a dead end relationship.

We were chatting about fashion at my house and I told her about having an "alternative wardrobe with womens clothes, would you like to see some?"

[Dana44]

I told her when we got serious about it. Almost right away as it was not fair to keep it a secret. But I would say that we talked for quite a bit. On Friday night we crack open wine and some face food in our nighties and talk about anything. The first of those sessions we did talk quite a bit on what was on our mind. However now we talk normal every day stuff as it became no issue.

[lingerieLiz]

I told my wife as soon as we had started to become regular dates.

[KristinaK]

Welcome to the forum.
You should own it and tell her. You owe her the common courtesy by being honest.
If she can't deal with it and breaks it off then let her go. You wouldn't want to be married to her if that is the case.
You haven't mentioned your age so far.
If you are young then there are more women out there so keep looking.
If you are older you know better than to lie and not let her know about that part of you.

This, 100%

[Vickie_CDTV]

You fail to disclose before marriage at your own peril. You can read horror stories all over this forum from failing to disclose before marriage.

Her reaction could be all over the place, as you mentioned with previous girlfriends. Most women don't want to have to deal with it, even if they begrudgingly accept. All you can do is be honest and hope for the best.

[sweetdreams]

It sounds like you've been seeing each other for a while (several months). It also sounds like this is becoming a fairly serious relationship. Your are likely in the right time frame to get it out in the open.

An approach I've used is "We need to talk about something. I don't know where it came from. It's a little embarrassing but it's there. I like to dress in girls clothes." Then you shut up and wait for a reaction. There's not much more to say until she processes it and responds.

A couple of important points, don't be apologetic or mousey about it. Own it. Be open to discuss it and her feelings about it. You probably know the two questions that will come up almost immediately: are you gay and do you want to be a women.

It sounds like you are in touch with crossdressing and what it means to you. It's not going to go away. Ideally you need a relationship where it can be accepted. It's scary yes but you need to get it out there before too much time passes. You need to be the judge on the timing.

[Lux]

As a regular listener to the (Dan) Savage Love podcast, I love how he proposes introducing a fetish to your significant other. Instead of having a sad, look of dread on your face with the "I have something serious I have to tell you.." look, he proposes a much more upbeat approach that makes it sound like a lot of fun and I'm willing to share this way fun thing with you! You completely own it. As Dana44 said, communication is absolutely the key! Good luck.

[Aunt Kelly]

Sweetdreams' approach is as good as I've heard, and as Lux said, just own it. Couch it in terms of sharing something important and personal, rather than admitting to something embarrassing. And by all means, if this relationship looks serious, have "the talk" soon.

Good luck.

Hugs,


Kelly

[XemmaX]

i told my girlfriend in the first few weeks, i some how just bought up if i remember right and just said this is also a side me and some other stuff. i didnt downplay or overstate it and i showed her a photo. She accepted it and respected my honesty. Good luck.

[Laura912]

You can also do a search here and find the letters others have used to tell their SO's. There are some good ideas there. Give her the letter in person and be quiet while she reads it. The letter will allow you to have your thoughts organized and keep you from babbling. Be open and honest with your answers to her questions. You could begin the conversation with a comment similar to, "There is an aspect of me I would like to share with you." Then let her read. Maybe share a glass of wine during all this.

However you chose to tell her, do it now. It will be much more difficult later.

[sometimes_miss]

You really have to think about where the relationship is going. Until you get serious, there's no reason to just blurt it out. Bring up subjects related to crossdressing/transgender to see how she feels about the subject. Remember, the more she gets attached to you, the more it's going to hurt her if it's something that she's not OK with. Remember too, that it's not all your fault. No one tells the other person everything about their life; it would be impossible to tell about everything you've thought or experienced in a lifetime. We tell what we believe is important for the other person to know, and we leave the rest out; women do that to us, too you know.
If, during your discussions you find that she is not crossdresser 'friendly', you might consider just continuing the relationship as is, and wait for her to break it off if and when she decides you're not willing to commit; that will make it her decision, as well as leave you still 'closeted'; if you tell her and it doesn't go over well, remember that women love to talk to each other about their problems, and inevitably she may very well out you to her friends, who may talk to other friends, etc., until it becomes common knowledge that you're a crossdresser. I don't think that they usually do this for any evil reasons, but simply to get their friends to understand and sympathize with their predicament of being in a relationship with a crossdresser, as they like to discuss their problems a lot, while men usually don't.
If you're OK with being out, that's fine. If not, you might want to reconsider if and when you tell her if you find out she's not likely to want a crossdresser as a mate. Remember, the odds aren't in your favor; very, very few women can accept a mate who is a crossdresser. Despite the happy few folks here on the forum who will tell you everything will work out fine, remember too that only a small fraction of their wives actually like the idea that their husband is a crossdresser; most are in DADT relationships, and had those women known before marriage, there's a very good chance they never would have married the guy who is a crossdresser.
The world is still not crossdresser friendly. Crossdressing is virtually always a sexual turn off for women, and once they're turned off, you might not be able to get the sexual attraction back, ever. And once that's gone, the romantic relationship is almost always gone too.
So tread carefully. Once you're out to her, there's no going back.
Good luck. You're going to need it.

[CONSUELO]

First welcome to Crossdressers. This is a great place to find information and learn from the journeys of others. I hope it helps you and that you make some friends here.

Without a doubt if you and she are thinking of becoming married, you need to tell her all about your cross dressing. All you have to do is read the many posts by members who, for one reason or another, did not reveal they were transvestites until after marriage and sometimes well after when there were children to worry about.

That said you should think through very carefully how you tell her . One of the other respondents to your post told you not to be hangdog about it. Being a transvestite is nothing to ashamed of. It is you. It may wax and wane over the years but it is not going to go away and suppressing it is not a good option.

My suggestion is to read the replies very carefully and then search through the many previous posts on this subject before deciding on a way to tell her. Also be sure you understand what cross dressing is by reading extensively on the subject so that you can answer any questions she may have. When I told my wife to be, I was insufficiently educated to talk her through all of the aspects of being a transvestite and so was only able to tell her about myself as I was at that time. Be prepared to guide her to some good material so that she can understand as much as she can about the subject. If you can manage it I would find a good therapist so that you can talk this though with someone face to face, but don't waste your money on someone who has only a shallow knowledge of the subject.

[Gabriella111]

My boyfriend was dressed when I met him, so I can't tell you what method worked for him since, you know, it was obvious from the start.

That said, from a GG perspective, I recommend what some others have said, and that's to own it. Don't present it in a way that you seem to dread whatever is about to happen, or that it's something you feel ashamed of. It's part of you; something that makes you happy and you want to share it with her.

Think about how you want to say it, and I absolutely think you should do it face-to-face. Practice a bit so you deliver it without seeming nervous or embarrassed. Your mood will impact her's. As you noted, when you presented it as a big deal (with maybe some underlying negativity), it was taken in that same way. So, hopefully, presenting it in a lighter way (not to diminish that it's a big deal in your life) will result in a lighter reception.

Good luck! And please do update us on how things go! :D

[TrishaLake]

Many therapist can assist you in telling as well. they often will work to get the message across in a better way and if she agrees and your heading towards a serious relationship, asset you both on how to deal with CDing and other issues. I find that a good third party can assist in both telling the story and living with it.

[Tracii G]

There are so many "hell on earth" stories on this forum alone where guys failed to mentioned they crossdressed before marriage and I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone.
The key to a great relationship is to be open and honest no matter what your fetish or proclivity.
If you have a foot fetish tell her if you CD tell her.
If you present it as a "fun and exciting thing" and don't act ashamed, it will show her you are comfy in your "manhood".
Just the fact you opened up to her with something most men aren't "man" enough to admit will show strength on your part.
If I met a guy and he laid news on me like that I would say Oh hell yes this guy has some guts I would deff be more than OK with it

[mykell]

hi flander,
nice to see someone your age find us relevant,

this is a link to a reveal from a womens POV, it may help in your situation with some tweaks :
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

dont make any promises that you may not be able to keep, its a marathon not a sprint.

no one here is an expert on relationships so you have to go with what you feel is right in your heart.....if she accepts i feel you will grow to a blissful existence as things move forward.

reality will play out if things move forward, kids, family, work, neighbors, so you will have to think about what kind of future you two are prepared for.

i have often thought how things would be if i was honest with myself and had a resource as this then....so you are living proof, you have come to accept this part of you and found this site and all it has to offer.

my only advise would be maybe wait a week or so and water hear for a while longer and absorb a little more knowledge from us forefathers.....and when and if you tell her have the decency to do it face to face, no text or phone call......compose what it is you want to convey to her and print it out as backup so if you find yourself flubbing your words as you speak it will be there to use.

best of luck to you, i hope to read your wife or GFs intro here someday.

also welcome to the group....

[FrankieB]

This is a big part of you. It won't be going away. So be it this relationship or another, you will always have this side of you. And sooner or later, you both are going to have to deal with it. Therefore, the sooner the better.
Sure, there are many lacking understand, but there are others more open. You can maybe already guage the kind of person she is, her attitudes and her feelings for you.
Hopefully, it will be alright for you.
Good luck!

[Jenny22]

I'd suggest you wait to tell her until the relationship gets seriously sexual, you've both expressed your love but have not made any marital commitment. Then follow the advice that you feel best for your situation as expressed by others here and as stickeys. If you do tell her, it will be at YOUR behest, not hers. Don't tell her, and you can bet that she will find out sooner or later. The situation will then be in HER control, and the deffication could really contact the ventilation!! Good luck!

[docrobbysherry]

Flander, what if u tell her and she asks, "Ok. Where r going with it?" If u don't know, is that what you'll tell her? Or, will u make up a reassuring reply?:straightface:

I suggest putting off telling her until u know u r both serious. That will give u more time to find out about yourself. So many here have told their wives that they can control their dressing. Only to find it out of their control down the road!:sad:

[ringo]

I told my girlfriend after 1 or 2 months of relation. She had no problems with it. She dressed me up with her clothes and we had a good time. That was 3 and half years ago and we are still together today. I think honesty is the best even though it is very scary. i remember hesitating at first, but i didn't want to make it a surprise like, 10 years after "hey, i am a crossdresser !"

By the way, i am also 22 :)

Please tell us if you told her and how it went

[Tama]

Ringo, you're the smart one, you did it while your still young..I didn't attempt a "newsflash" until many relationships and my only marriage later...I got lucky on the 1st attempt however..I was well into my mid/late thirties until I got to it.

[Gardener]

What struck me most about your comment was how well you could describe this part of yourself. It felt you were calm and accepting. In terms of what you say, would you want to broach the subject in any other way? How to broach it, when to do it are other matters. Probably at a more private time when you have time to deal with any consequence and there is not a lot of emotion in the air. Should you do it? Well I did not for years and tears and years. We are still together and I feel better for doing it but I regret my lack of honesty. My only defence is that I was so confused and almost ashamed when I was younger. Are you?

[Tama]

Sorry Flander, I never answered your question. I'm married 25 years, and "known about" for 20 + years now I'd say with my SO. I mean FULLY known, and fortunately so I'd admit.
Now, onto your problem. My very 1st attempt at outing was with my 1st full-time serious girlfriend of then 4 years, and it didn't go well...Jokingly, I put on one of Her skirts, and was scolded to "take that off, take that off RIGHT NOW!" i covered my embarrassment with a good laugh, and you might imagine the subject was NEVER to be spoken of again. It was then back to the secret darkness for another 7 years.
Then, and slowly my earring hobby (by then at least 4 or 5 of them between 2 ears) got discovered. and was accepted quite easily! From then on, every little outing was met with more acceptance until it was full-on openly discussed and displayed.
To summate- earrings, silk scarf, FLORAL silk scarf, bow tied-silk scarf (half-way home now) then skirt/dress and into home plate I was...I cannot in good conscious tell you that this will work for you but, it was the best (albeit accidental) route for me...a little at a time maybe..dunno. My best thoughts/experiences are all I can offer you, and my very best wishes for good and happy outcome of course...