If You Could Go Back And Do It All Again

[Bailee]

I get the impression that many of the members here are on the "mature" side. I myself am 58.

Society still has a long way to go, but it's a different, much more accepting world than when I was a teenager (at least in the part of the world where I live). Children have more freedom to choose to identify as the gender they are comfortable with, it's much more acceptable to be "androgynous", and we hear a lot more terms like "gender fluid", "transgender", "transitioning" etc. Most cities have a "pride week" with parades and very inclusive events. A lot of the things that would have made you a target when I was young, are much more acceptable now, and more so all the time.

My question is directed to those of us who have been around and dealing with this for a while. If you could wake up tomorrow and be 10 years old again, considering how society has changed and is continuing to advance, would your female persona now take a more pronounced role? What would you do differently with your life?

[sweetdreams]

An interesting question to ponder on.

When I was around 9 years old I loved dressing in various girls clothes. If someone had told me then that it was OK to do it and I could dress up anytime I wanted, hmmmm....

I'm not sure how I would have approached that situation. Would I dress up full time, part time, or would I have grown out of it like it was just a passing phase. Hard to say but it sure makes the mind stretch to consider the options.

[Diane Taylor]

Bailee.....If I could go back to being young again, I would possibly/probably start my coming out process at a much younger age.

[Maria Blackwood]

Can I go back 10 more years and somehow make the X chromosome sperm win?

[Lydianne]

"My question is directed to those of us who have been around and dealing with this for a while. If you could wake up tomorrow and be 10 years old again, . . [SNIP] . . would your female persona now take a more pronounced role? What would you do differently with your life?"

I might have been around 12 or 13 when mine started, but that's just details.

So, with the same parents? . . My remains might be on the ocean floor tied to a huge rock :p . I actually wouldn't put it past them; even with a more accepting society on the outside :straightface: . They believe what they believe: tradition plus the other one - two entities known for their flexibility :) .

[anna kate]

Knowing what I have at present, ( wife of 51 years, five kids,two grand kids ) I'd go down the same road. At 10 years old today, and not knowing, I'd probably go a different route. I'm 77 in a few days and I don't regret my past. Can't go back now, so I'll keep looking forward, as long as my time here permits.

[Ally 2112]

I would change a few things not everything .The acceptance part ,less purging (wow did i waste a lot of money and time )and handling my relationships better

[Katie Louise]

I'm 45 with 4 kids and an ex wife who hates me (not dressing related). Knowing what I know now I would've had the courage to come out in my late teens and early 20s and transitioned completely. I'd be living a different life today if I had.

I'm not sure even now is the right time to come out with my kids in their late tweens and early teens and my parents in their 70s. So I just suppose I'll stay a shell of a man and miserable.

[TrishaTX]

I am 50, and I would certainly have had the internet to assist me in figuring this out. Sites like this are great! I certainly would have had my own clothes and enjoyed them more. I also think I would have gotten out socially more like I do now. Lastly, I would have gotten some help and been more honest with my Sos over the years.

[Lana Mae]

Ahhh, the old if I knew then what I know now! Hind sight is always 20/20! If I went back and changed things, my children would not have been born and I would not have married my wife of 34+ years! No thanks I am fine! I will just press on on my journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[Laura912]

That would require that I give up my spouse, children and grandchildren, an unthinkable idea, so answering your question is impossible for me.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Bailee:hugs:, At 74 I have been in this program for 70years now with my:love:WIFE of 53years
and two grown daughters I an happy to have the best of both worlds...:daydreaming:...

[Teresa]

Bailee,
I'm 65 now but looking back to when my CDing started at the age 8-9 years I didn't think of it as a gender thing, all I knew was it had to be hidden away, wearing your sister's clothes was not the thing to be doing as a boy. when I started dating , my first GF suggested I wear her panties, as she asked me I felt there was nothing wrong in this. My next GF found me wearing her baby doll nightie and really went for it so again I thought there's nothing wrong wit it. When I married I didn't mention it to my wife, naively I thought all women were OK with it. I guess I felt is was something I carried over from my childhood that would eventually go away . It took twenty years for it to really become a problem , I wanted so bad to come out and be accepted, I told my wife but the DADT wall went up fairly quickly, I guess that made it more of a problem because I felt so rejected and unloved . Moving on another twenty years I had to do something about it so I joined the forum, and immediately found people older than me still dressing and enjoying it, that's when the penny really dropped that I realised I was born like it and it's for life . Through counselling and finally finding AGP is what makes me tick, I've finally beginning to achieve my goal, to come out and be seen and accepted as a woman.

OK that's a little long winded in answering the question, would I have done things differently ? We can only ask this question when we reach a certain age anyway, what ever we choose to do in life it will have regrets. If I had known then what I know now, I might not have two great children and three lovely grandchildren. I have done so much with my wife over the years , I might not have traveled as much , my life wouldn't possibly be as rounded , my regret now is that my wife can't accept that I have battled with these feelings for so long and now I'm beginning to find answers to it she can't allow herself to let me be totally open with both sides of me. I suppose the way I've worded this it's understandable she doesn't want to lose the man who lived this life with her. That is one question I can make no promises about, I keep telling myself I'm too old to change now but it's becoming stronger than ever , which is something I never expected.

[Lily Catherine]

I don't quite think I should be here - I'm still in my 20s. Just saying that I doubt the situation now is as rosy. I don't think anything would have changed despite the immense social progress we've made in the last decade alone... in fact I think in the wake of backlash, especially from vocal evangelical bodies, I think I may have had it much worse given which side my parents and church were on. However, compared to the average element of those organisations my parents were a lot more open (Mum has openly remarked on how she found some transgender women more attractive than genetic women). They've told me I wouldn't be pretty as a woman... not that I was attractive as a man in the first place anyway. I don't fault them in the slightest nonetheless - how they raised me was entirely in line with the nurse proclaiming "It's a boy" when presenting me to them. Being introduced to Pink Dot (the major pride parade in SG) at a young age as a negative front, framed such that one couldn't argue against God, would not have helped me either.

[OCCarly]

When I think about all the anxiety, bullying and misery I've suffered over the past 42 years (since age 10) from trying to be the most masculine guy I could possibly be, the answer is obvious and easy.

I am eight months into transition at this point, and for the first time in my life, I smile whenever I see myself in a mirror. I used to hate being photographed, and now the more feminine I look the more I enjoy shooting selfies. The hormones have made me far, far less angry, more patient, better at analytical thinking, and an all around nicer person.

If I were ten now, I would go on puberty blockers immediately and female hormones as soon as possible. And I suspect I would have far better grades in high school and college, considering that my grades dropped after I went through male puberty, and I struggled all the time after that.

But, I would need a new set of parents. The only reason I am transitioning now is because in 2009 a stroke silenced my father for good. (He is still alive but can no longer speak.) It still took five years of me running on all the garbage he filled my mind with before I stopped and said: "Just who the heck am I anyway?" In 2014 I came out to myself. I crossdressed for a year, and then went for therapy in early spring 2016.

[nvlady]

I'm 73 and I don't think things would be any different for me, but reading your post made me think about how many times I saw something on the tv news (television news, sorry) about transgender children. The answer is NEVER. I remember something on the news about Christine Jorgensen, but that was the one and only tg thing I ever heard about.

[Christineblake113]

I would have checked out my mom's and older sister's modest collections of high heels earlier. By the time I checked them out they were too small for me. I also wouldn't have purged any clothing, although that is probably a given for most of us.

[DIANEF]

I've often though about this, but if I had changed things I might not have my two boys, who mean the absolute world to me. Having said that there are still a lot of things I'd have changed, telling my wife about me before we got serious would be up there.

[Cheryl T]

Since it's a "what if" then I'd like to think that were I 10 again and having the advantage of today's societal viewpoint that I would most certainly begin transitioning.
Perhaps I'd even have my own TV show or at least a special on PBS.

I do think I would have done much more with this part of me and been able to spend much of my life as a woman. I feel it would have been very positive for me and most assuredly I would have done more with my abilities.

[Karen RHT]

What would I do differently with my life? As a point of reference, I'll be 70 in a few months time, and I make it a policy not to regret my past. If I could retain what I know now and go back, I'm not sure I'd change much until I started to date women. At that point I'd place much more emphasis on their willing acceptance and comfort level with my crossdressing, than what I did back in the day.


Karen

[CarlaWestin]

............. all I knew was it had to be hidden away, wearing your sister's clothes was not the thing to be doing as a boy.

But, didn't that empower you with a secret activity that was far and above the excitement the other boys were going through? I watched their angst about which way a ball went and the disappointment and confusion about the desire to associate with females. I had friends, girlfriends and that extra something special!

[Ceera]

It would depend so absolutely on what else changed in that scenario. I'm unemployed, 59, and a widower. My parents and wife are deceased, and my daughter is 21. Very little is left to tie me to my past life. Spouse, co-workers, and even most of my former life's friends really wouldn't matter.

Assuming that nothing else changed, and I woke up as a ten year old boy in 2017 America, still knowing all I know now, but presumably with an adoptive pair of parents to raise and shelter me until I was an adult? Well, if they were in synch with today's ways of thinking, and at all accepting of trans issues, I would probably transition fully, as soon as I could. Getting to live pretty much a second full life, but this time as a female, with the advantages to transition that going onto hormones before puberty set in would bring, would be very attractive to me. More attractive than just living my life all over again as a male. And getting to establish a whole new life and background, from grade school age forward, would be very interesting. Especially if I could use all I know now to make my early education a piece of cake!

If my new parents were not so accepting, I would talk to my doctor, and try to get him/her on my side for supporting transition, and still proceed as soon as I could do so. At the very least, I wouldn't try to deny my bisexuality or my desires to cross dress. And if I couldn't do it any sooner, I'd aim to transition as soon as I could start living on my own.

On the other hand... If I became a ten year old, and my parents/family also moved forward in time with me - so I had the same mom and dad and little sister, and the same grandparents? That would be a lot tougher. I think if my mom was the mother of a ten year old boy in today's society, she would prove to be accepting if I came out to her. My father? Well, I doubt he would take it so well. He put a lot of stock in me being his son and following his footsteps as a member of the fraternal organizations that were the core of his social life. My declaring I was trans and bi and wanting a sex change would invalidate my eligibility to join his fraternal groups. Ditto for my grandparents, where both of my grandfathers were also in that fraternal circle. I probably would have waited until I was independent and living on my own, and then transition in my early 20's, before I lost too much hair, and while hormones had a better chance of reversing some of puberty's changes.

Bottom line, though - if I had essentially a 'second life to live', I'd transition as soon as I could, and live it as a female this time.

[Glenda58]

I'm 69 I wouldn't go back to 10 maybe 39 and start over. That way I would still have my kids and grandkids in my life. But be able to dress as I want or transition if I wanted to watch I do.

[Stephanie47]

The only thing that would change is my perception of who I was at the age I first ventured into the world of cross dressing. My journey started when I was fifteen or maybe a year or two earlier. Back in the 1960's anything other than a straight relationship between a male and female was deemed deviant. If you really think things have changed I'd say your misguided or under a false impression. Yes, you may not get beat up. You may have some protection by laws and human resource policies, but, total change? Not by a long shot. Even with what is suppose to be a more accepting society go to any mall and see how many cross dressing men there are. Generally we are still in the confines and security of our homes, and, if we do venture out it is to a place where other cross dressers or transpersons mingle.

I keep my cross dressing desires in balance with the other things and relationships I value in life.

[PaulaQ]

If I were 10 years old today, I'd enroll in Genecis here in Dallas, and I'd transition as a child. No question about it. In 1973, when my gender identity really, really started to become an issue, no such program existed, and the psychologist who evaluated me was looking to see if there was something WRONG with me. So I didn't talk about gender, and I lied to him because I was certain if I admitted what I really felt, I'd be institutionalized.

If I had to do it again, but still be born in 1963, then I'd have told myself to transition at 18. It would've been brutal, but I'd have managed it.

[Tina June]

That's a toughie - If I were 10 y.o. again and knew how I would feel years later - I think I would try to tell my mother (she always wanted a daughter - God rest her soul) and hope she would help me with it all - It would be a big risk, but I think that in the long run it might have worked out.

[Sharon B.]

I would have studied better and picked a profession that I could have done as a woman.

[Nikki.]

Another with the conundrum of probably would have transitioned to a certain extent and lived openly, but having a family i love and would likely not have been. sigh....

[JeanTG]

I came close to transitioning in my 20s... when I still had a chance of passing and becoming pleasant-looking, if not beautiful, woman. Instead I fell in love with she who would become my wife and that, my friends, was that.

[lingerieLiz]

While I was able to wear my sisters clothes growing up and passed back in the 50s/60s. I'm not sure what I would do different. I was able to date as a girl, but was not interested or sexually attracted to guys. I enjoyed wearing the clothes and appearing as a girl. I feel comfortable interacting with women as a woman. As for my wife she has always been my love and sexual attraction.

[IleneD]

Bailee,

Amazing question. Thanks.
If I were 10 yrs old again, I'm pretty sure I'd be the same unaware and in-denial soul about my condition until I reached a time I could come to grips. But I know what you're suggesting. If you somehow were back to those key times in your early femme life, what would you do.

What's amazing about your question is that I often replay and mentally review a period in my life when I was at such a crossroad. I didn't fully appreciate it at the time.
In the time after I graduated college to when I met my wife, I worked (and worked hard). I had almost no social life. I knew no one in an unfamiliar city. And I was still struggling with on-going gender identity and sexual orientation issues. For the first time (back then in my early 20s) , I bought some of my own women's apparel; panties and then a slip I wore around my apartment (though I'd sworn to "go straight" as part of my new professional careerism).

I was out shopping for makeup (to begin trying it ) around holiday season. A very sharp, classy, green dress caught my attention and for some reason I couldn't get it off my mind. I'd never owned a dress, especially one that fit. I obsessed about that dress for days, and resolved that when I returned from home after the holidays, I was going to buy that dress for myself.

Over that holiday, back in my home city, I met the woman who would be my wife of 40 yrs; and she happened to live in the same city where I worked and lived. We started dating. The green dress completely escaped my attention. This was Destiny. We married 7 months after we first met.

For me, that was one of those decision points in life that make themselves. The right choice presented itself before me; the chance to have a loving life, a family and a companion. I took it without thinking twice. Had I ignored the gift set before me and followed the path of dressing; then more dressing, and (who knows) perhaps transitioning to life as a full time woman. Yes, I could almost see that in me and happening. But I'm overjoyed that my life turned out as wonderful and satisfying as it has, and have no regrets. But I don't think I would have regrets had I chosen another path, more dedicated to the real inner Me, expressing more of my femininity. I wonder about it often, and it gives me warm wonderful fantasies (that I'm only able NOW to live out some of them).

My only wish upon going back would be for more self-awareness, and earlier. I struggled with "this" far too long; and at times it really hurt. It's only in my mature adulthood (almost 65) that I've fully come to grips with myself. Thank God.

[Dana44]

No I would not change anything. It was a tuff struggle though life and still we have a good life and a good partner. And well since both side of my brain is on. I very creative. And when I was an Systems Engineer, I was still creative and the typical engineer was not creative. But I could see stuff and come up with answers that they could not.come up with. So I have always felt it was a gift and had a lot of women in my life as a result. But hoot it would be nice to be young again.

[kimdl93]

mmmm, I dont know that I would change the times I grew up and became an adult. I would change may attitude, which was mostly fear driven.

[KimberlyJean]

I am with Marlene, I think the only real change would be telling my mother. I pretty sure she knew already and she contributed to my dressing.

[Michelle Crossfire]

If i could go back to 10 years old? That is quite a while ago. Would my fem side be more prominent. Not until my 20s when i am out of the house and on my own. Just not possible before then. What would i do different? i would still join the military, maybe the Air Force instead. I would still go to college and get my degree, go to another college or university instead of the one i went to, major in something else since i don't really use my Accounting degree anymore. I would definitely not marry my first ex wife. It has been said that we are all entitled to one monumental screw up in life, and that was a doozy. It would result in my daughter probably not being born, but due to our divorce, she has suffered alot of stress and harm. we have been in court since we divorced in 05 over custody issues. She is now 15 and alienated from me by my ex. My dressing has nothing to do with it. My current wife is a total 180 degrees polar opposite. Supportive, non judgmental and a good personality. My ex has none of that. My fem side would probably not exist with her. With my current wife, my fem side exists and is supported to an extent, as i have noted many times before in other posts. If what we have now was around in the late 70s and 80s, i am sure life would be much easier, but then again, by the time we get to the 21st century, can you imagine what would exist if what we have now was already around back then? As for the fem side, if what we have now was the attitude back then, i think there would still be those groups who no matter what, would look down on CD'ers and the like, but i think things would be much better than now simply because all we have now would have occurred 30-40 years ago. Hope that makes sense.

[Lacey New]

I chose to take door number 1 a long time ago and I know where that path took me. All in all, I am comfortable where I wound up. Although for number 2 would have provided more opportunity for my cross dressing self, I'm not sure that the path would have taken me to the same comfortable point that I am at how. So, it is nice to imagine but that's about it.

[sometimes_miss]

At ten years of age, I fully believed that I was really supposed to be a girl and that god had made a mistake. I didn't yet have the knowledge to dispute that feeling. And, without any affection from normal sources, was still drawn to the relationship with my abuser (who had started this whole mess), who I was by then beginning to initiate contact with in order to be his pseudo-female mate. All to feed the desperate need for affection and socialization that I was experiencing as a child with no other friends and cold, unemotional family members.

but it's a different, much more accepting world
Uh, not the world. Small pockets of it, yes; the world? No. There are still people being executed due to simple sexual differences. In other countries, it's even done publicly. Here, most often it's probably done under the radar, as not every town has a gender activist to identify when a death is possibly related to the victim's gender bending.

Children have more freedom to choose to identify as the gender they are comfortable with<snip> Most cities have a "pride week" with parades and very inclusive events.
Not sure where you live, perhaps in San Francisco? But 'Most' cities do not have a pride week or parades regarding homosexuality of other gender bending individuals. Sure, places like NYC do. But 'most' cities? Nope.

would your female persona
At some point, people have to stop pretending that they have some other personality distinct from our 'male' personality. It's all YOU. Please don't think I'm trying to be mean about this. But it's a similar mechanism to that which some people use to claim things like, 'Oh, that wasn't the real me, I just had too much to drink'. It's ALL US. Many of us just suppress it most of the time. But make no mistake; all the feminine feelings and desires that we have are at the very core of who we are. We aren't really that rough tough macho guy; that's the facade we put up in a desperate attempt to fool both ourselves and others. Those female traits didn't come out of no where. They came from deep inside of US, but because we feel so guilty about it, we feel the need to pretend that that it's not REALLY us.

I guess I felt is was something I carried over from my childhood that would eventually go away
^This is the big one. Today at least we have forums like this as well as some therapists who can tell us it's not some transitory phase we're going through; that there's something permanently different about us that we're going to have to deal with FOREVER. Because I, too, thought that I had 'beaten it' after not crossdressing for a decade. There was no way for me to know that it would come back to bite me in the ass once again.

I wouldn't be pretty as a woman... not that I was attractive as a man in the first place anyway
This is a big one. We know how important that it is for a woman to be sexually attractive. Even average girls can do things that make them alluring. Most of us could never even approach average. I'm over six feet tall, with size XL hands and size 16 feet (I think that's size 50 in European sizes), with a strong brow ridge on my forehead and a barrel chest. There's no way I would ever be perceived as pretty had I transitioned. I would have had to get a job working with the blind to avoid all the double takes given me.

But, didn't that empower you with a secret activity that was far and above the excitement the other boys were going through?
For a lot of us, there's no excitment about crossdressing. It just feels normal.

[krissy]

I would never give up dressing but i know i would have done more of it alot sooner than i did and with that young body OMG!:daydreaming:

[irene9999]

Not sure I'd do anything different, in my early teens I was already experimenting with articles of female clothing but had no desire to fully dress at that point. I would probably start fully dressing earlier though, I had the desire to fully crossdress probably since my late teens but didn't do it until I was almost 30 so I feel I missed out dressing on some prime years