Internalizing versus externalizing

[sweetdreams]

And so when I perceived that my SO wanted to do things on his own while dressed, I took it that he preferred being dressed and interacting with others when I wasn't around, which translated to wanting me around just sometimes but not other times. When I looked at dressing up in sexy outfits and compared this to my own reasons to wear particularly sexy outfits and not regular, everyday clothes, (to be attractive to male partners), I didn't understand that his motive was not to expressly be attractive to men.

And when I saw the ramping up - more clothes, more going out, getting women's haircuts, piercing ears, shaving all over all the time, growing finger nails, photoshoots, posting pics online, seeking to interact with others increasingly as a femme self without me, knowledge that he had fantasized about men in the past - I felt as if he was becoming increasingly a woman and I wondered about his commitment to our hetero relationship, since I am hetero. I knew that I was not attracted to women.


Reine has commented on this a couple of time and it struck a cord with me. I've been guilty of this in the past and my SO has commented on it.

Essentially we CDers can get so wrapped up in our clothes and feeling feminine that we can internalize it. We go inside and are just so excited and happy about how sensual everything feels and how we are feeling emotionally that we can forget the feelings of an SO. In the end the SO can feel unnecessary and not involved, essentially redundant.

In my earlier years when I only dressed up occasionally it was a big event and I exhibited this kind of behavior more. It did not help the relationship with my SO and actually interfered with her overall comfort and acceptance. It was negative behavior overall.

As I matured and started incorporating my girly things more in my everyday life this made things better. Crossdressing isn't such an event now as much as just part of my normal dressing routine. Also just knowing about this internalizing behavior, I make an effort to externalize a lot more. While dressed I make sure I'm engaging with my SO and ensuring she feels part of the situation. It has helped a lot not to mention some really great sex.

Even just subtle little things. Saturday mornings we have more time to sit around and chat about things in general. About a week ago I decided I wanted to take a run at makeup, up till now my dressing has been from the neck down. I want to see if I can make this face look pretty (maybe just a little prettier). Talked with the wife and she's agreed to help. This morning (being Saturday) I mentioned eyebrows. Told her I've been doing a little investigating on makeup and asked her what she does for her eyebrows. This is fairly girly talk and it was all handled like a normal conversation. It helps with her overall acceptance of my crossdressing. So by externalizing and bringing her into the situation it ends up being fairly positive. In a way I can become something of a girl friend which give me a little tickle inside and she in turn tends to open up to me about these kinds of discussions. All of this because I externalize more now. Much, much better.

Internalizing versus externalizing?

What do you think?

[Teresa]

Sweetdreams,
I'm afraid I have to externalise around my wife , when I started going out socially I asked if I was stuck with anything would she give me some help , she replied no !
In some respects it's not so bad , I had to get my makeup checked out for myself, I now have my own style and taste in clothes. OK I don't like living a double life and I don't know deep down how happy she is with it, at least I've been honest and told her I now enjoy what I'm doing . She did come out with the statement that I really didn't want to be a man anymore, which I truthfully answered no I didn't . ( That was a subject of a thread which has now been closed ).

Getting the balance right is harder in a DADT situation, you don't have definite guidelines, so you only find out when there's a blow up, now days it's usually a succession of sarcastic and occasionally hurtful comments.

[Maria 60]

A while back I was getting ready for a drive, I usually go out for a couple of hours and drive around and it's just so relaxing. She asked me if I could drop her off at a mall and I could drive around and then pick her up, I told her OK and I guess the way I said it she took it like I didn't want her to be involved and she started giving me attitude. I then expected it's not that I don't want her involved, it was more because if someone sees me driving they would have to double look to make sure it's me, but if they see her they will automatically know it's me next to her. After I explained she was understanding and I drove her partly dressed and then finished off after.
We have to be careful because it could easily be misunderstood and that's how problems begin.

[Diane Taylor]

Sweetdreams...I think you're doing the right thing by EXternalizing your situation and that positive things. large or small, will come from this. The more someone wife, girlfriend or anyone else is exposed to crossdressing the more they are likely to al least be a little more understanding and become maybe a little more accepting of it. I think most of us internalize at first due to fear and then eventually decide not to keep it in any longer. I kept things hidden from my wife for many years and then one day just decided to throw caution to the wind and told her EVERYTHING. I was ready to face life alone if need be but though a little surprised and apprehensive at first she became totally accepting of my crossdressing.

[LeslieSD]

Sometimes it may be the opposite for people in DADT.

My SO has no interest in participating in my dressing, and she does not like me to reveal this part of me to anyone we both know. So essentially, I have to do all my dressing by my own, away from her. I once asked her that if she really wants to have no part at all in this part of my life, and she said yes. That really saddened me because I wanted to share every part of my life with people I am committed to, and have little interest in having a separate life away from my normal life.

[phili]

MY wife definitely does not like externalizing or internalizing- and she thanked me for not dressing the other morning. She had said I could be as feminine as I wanted - but just don't dress- but she also criticizes my manner, posture, happiness, etc. when I do feel feminine internally but don't dress.

Seems like each of us has to find our best compromise with our SOs- and it is sad, but at least understandable. We have to respect their feelings as well.

[PaulaQ]

Essentially we CDers can get so wrapped up in our clothes and feeling feminine that we can internalize it. We go inside and are just so excited and happy about how sensual everything feels and how we are feeling emotionally that we can forget the feelings of an SO. In the end the SO can feel unnecessary and not involved, essentially redundant.

Although I respect the feelings that ReineD expresses - certainly those are some of the feelings that women can feel when their SO is trans, there is generally a whole bunch of other stuff going on emotionally. I run a support group for trans people and their loved ones, so I see a lot of this stuff.

I am glad that integrating this with your spouse is helping - it makes sense that it would, and indeed, I would imagine it would make your relationship better. It's a lot healthier if that can happen.

I would caution that the notion that your gender dysphoria can be managed by controlling it via your partner's acceptance is pretty dangerous. This stuff has a mind of it's own, and it will go where it goes. I've seen so many spouses of "just a CD" - who discover later in life they are, in fact, married to another woman. Dressing a lot will definitely make you feel better and ease your gender dysphoria. But it will not in any way, shape, or form, stop the inevitable - if that's who you turn out to be. Of course, many will be "just a CD" - their dysphoria managed just by dressing sometimes. So in such a case, what you propose is a great strategy. Just understand that the good feelings you have while dressed are caused by relief of your underlying gender dysphoria.

Obviously some spouses aren't going to be able to handle this - thus the prevalence of DADT relationships here. A lot of people aren't really able to handle all of the emotional stuff going on here.

I would point out that it's a little dangerous to take Reine's words too literally - for one thing, she is clearly conflating her SO's bisexuality with their gender issues. Of course she's long resolved all that - but it just goes to show that there is often more going on emotionally with spouses than meets the eye.

Have you specifically asked your spouse how she feels about all this? And do you believe what she tells you? I'm not saying she doesn't feel fine about it - but sandbagging (shoving feelings under the rug) is a very common response in these types of situations. She may feel very differently about seeing you as a "girlfriend" than you might suppose. I hope not, and I hope all is well between the two of you. Wishing you both the best.

[kimdl93]

Its better than assuming...the more conversation about your feelings and hers, the better, I would submit. The worst thing you can do is assume consensus.

[sweetdreams]

Hi Paula.

A couple of things in your comments stand out for me.

Gender dysphoria - such a clinical term. I don't believe I have any and I discuss this below.
Referring to "dysphoria managed just by dressing sometimes. So in such a case, what you propose is a great strategy.", the term "strategy" seems so manipulative. I'm confident you didn't mean it in this way, it just struck me a little wrong. The wife and I are just two people trying to deal with a socially different set of circumstances the best as we can. The two of us are collectively groping our way through this and discovering the best path for us as a couple.
I don't take what Reine says as gospel, but I value her perspective as a GG. Much of what she writes corresponds to what I've experienced with my wife. Reine, thanks so much for sharing.


I have not specifically come out and asked my wife about how she feels regarding me being a "girlfriend", cross dressing in general - yes, the girlfriend aspect of our discussions - no. Although I agree communications is very important, it can be taken to an extreme and applied where it isn't really needed. Sometimes it's best to just let things unfold naturally without making everything a big deal (walking on eggshells). In the case of the wife and I having girlfriend kinds of talks, she has shown by action a willingness to interact with me in this way. I'm more than prepared to let it unfold and evolve on its own. By all indications she is willing to go there and is in many respects leading me there. She seems to be a couple of steps ahead of me in doing this.

One of the things you point out is women deal much more on an emotional level. Men seem to work on more of a logical level. I'm uncomfortable bringing my male logic into the situation by overtly forcing a discussion on something she seems emotionally willing to express. I'm much more willing to let it evolve on it's own. If she is willing to express herself and interact with me in this way on an emotional level, why force it with a logical discussion? Let the universe unfold a little and then react appropriately. I'm not going to try and control this, it feels wrong. She's kind of driving the bus and I'm a willing passenger. I'm OK with being a termite on a lumber truck. :battingeyelashes:

In terms of my "gender dysphoria", I'm confident and have shared with the wife two key points in regards to my cross dressing:

I am not gay (or bi-sexual, not that there's anything wrong with either). I'm perfectly happy with my male parts. They work really well with her female parts. We have lots of mutual fun with them.
I don't have a desire to transition and become a woman. Again as in #1, I'm good with my male hardware. I just enjoy expressing my femininity and dressing in women's clothes. YUM!



I don't look to my wife's acceptance as a way of controlling my gender dysphoria. I don't really believe I have any. I'm pretty comfortable with what this represents to me. I'm a male who really enjoys expressing my femininity. I'm also comfortable with my maleness. I gracefully slide both ways. I believe I understand what this means to me. That said I do understand that a mirror principle can come into play. We look to those closest to us for acknowledgement and acceptance. It's like a reflection giving us self-worth. If our SOs accept us by saying "I love and accept you for who you are", it can be such a great uplifting and meaningful reflection. If they say "I love you but I never want to see this part of you, keep it away from me", this can be so searing. The cross dressing part of our personality lives at our essence and those closest to us can affect us at one of our most vulnerable levels. This is a very sensitive place for us emotionally and spiritually. A relationship filled with rejection (i.e. DADT), in my humble opinion is so sad (breaks my heart at the thought of it)......

Paula thank you for sharing. Your feedback reflects your insight into what many of us face. I genuinely appreciate your thoughts, feelings, and empathy.