Unexpected result of coming out to female friend

[Karen's Secret]

I'm sharing this to see if anyone else feels the same and to perhaps warn others. I am married and my wife has always know about my crossdressing. She is very accepting in many ways but does not want to see me dressed. She is extremely afraid of others finding out so going out shopping with her is not an option. About two years ago I was desperate to have a "girlfriend" I could have girl talk with so I confided in a female friend that I have coffee with on a regular basis. She was very accepting and has never had any issues talking with me about clothes, makeup, etc.

Now for the unexpected result. Although it's great to have someone to talk to you, I almost immediately had a sense of dread when it hit me that someone else now had the power to out me. I have no reason to believe she ever would but now I worry about her accidentally saying something to my wife, telling one of her close friends, or if for some reason we have a falling out and she decides to out me.

So now, two years later, I feel like I actually added to the weight of carrying the secret of my crossdressing. My advice is, before you share your secret, be sure you can accept all of the potential consequences.

[sara66]

Karen,
I have a gal pal who know about Sara and has seen her in person. We have been friends for more than 25 years before I told her. If you are close with this lady there should be no need to worry. My friend told me it is no big deal, for me it was huge. Only 4 people know and I would trust any of them. To sum up, a true friend will keep your secret. The fear is something that the closeted must deal with.
Sara :battingeyelashes:

[Spiritfox]

My ex-friend with benefits could use my CDing as a weapon to hurt my reputation with my friends. He was very upset with me when I told him off for being rude and lying. If he does I'll just own it. I can't let fear get the better of me. I also have one female friend who knows. And fortunately the worst fallout from that is that she keeps trying to get me to watch ru Paul's drag race

[bridget thronton]

My female friends are very protective of me (without my having to ask them) - perhaps I was lucky, perhaps they are very high quality people

[kimdl93]

Interesting thing about our minds....they are wired to anticipate danger, in fact there is a decidedly strong bias towards fear. It kept us alert and alive through many millennia, when we on the menu of many large predators. Apprehension is the association of uncertainty with fear...that sound might be an approaching leopard. What you describe is a similar apprehension. In two years your fears have not been realized, so let go of the fear and remind yourself that your friend has been consistently supportive and kept your secret.

One other it would make sense to deal with your apprehension by reducing the risk. Carrying a sharp stick won't help, but if you can introduce the subject to your wife, an accidental disclosure won't have as much destructive potential. You'll have to figure out the way to do that. So, yes, tell your wife.

[Tracii G]

I see greater "danger" in having your wife find out you have a "girlfriend" on the side.

If your friend outs you just say.
1. I don't know what she is talking about.
2.She is mad at me and making stuff up to hurt me.
3. Oh really and you believe her?

I would worry more about your wife than your girlfriend.

[Vicky_Scot]

Once you tell someone your secret, its not your secret any more, so be careful before you decide to tell anyone.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Karen:hugs:, That sounds like a slippery slope that you are traveling on ...:daydreaming:...

[Pat]

So your wife knows that you crossdress, but doesn't know that you've shared that information with someone else? I'd say your first step is get your wife read in on the fact that this other person knows. What you can't afford is to have your wife get blindsided by this. If your friend accidentally or purposely outs you to others, it can be uncomfortable or embarrassing but if she says something to your wife, that can be marriage-ending even though your wife already knows you crossdress. It's a matter of trust.

[Teresa]

Karen,
It's an unfortunate thing but if our wives /partners don't want to know or see us sometimes we have no choice when we need some sort of outlet.

I posted a while ago about members living a double life, there are things my wife doesn't know about, I'm out to so many people, many have seen my pictures and I have made many GG friends through this. You have to make the decision about what you want from your dressing and how long you can live with hiding it . I don't hide it anymore because I go out socially, my wife knows this, she accepts it because the venue is thirty miles away .

The alternative to thinking you're carrying the burden isn't a good option, to most of us coming out has to happen, it may happen intentionally or accidentally you have the choice .

[Jaylyn]

I agree with what most have said on here. Take the advice and tell your wife she knows, because if she says something then that's a slap in her face and then you might have a bigger problem than CD. It's usually what the wives don't know that makes them mad and not what is old news.

[Jolyn]

I think to tell your wife would be a great idea ,but I don't know your wife .for me ! I've lived with guilt and shame long enough ,about 60 years ,I told a three of my girlfriends about my dressing
and now I three ladies that are buying me dresses wanting to be part of my transformation ,showing me how and how not to ,I can only say I'm in heaven ,
honesty is sometimes the best way to go ,we that dress are part women ,this is something difficult for some to understand , be gentle it seems to work the best
hugs

[barbara gordon]

there is a difference between "outing " someone , and accidentally "sharing" a secret .

You are lucky to have a friend that you can share this with , Your wife may come around . there is hope for this . Maybe your friend can help be a buffer for this to happen. Take the good things in life where and when they present themselves to you.

I was outed by my ex-wife as an act of injury and contempt from her to me.
after we split I had to manage this in many different ways.
The Best thing I did for myself was to own the outing.
I decided to share my cd status to anyone that i became close with romantically .
(and I think this eventually would benefit ,for others around me)
my current partner is truly a partner in this aspect of my life.

Sometimes she has shared my cd status with other people . I was at first kind botherd by this , but then I realized her intention was of sharing a good positive thing and not of "outing"to cause me damage . little by little my deep dark secret cd status is getting out and its actually more and more of a relief than a burden.
I could not have imagined this idea ten years ago .

[Diane Taylor]

Coming out to anyone can be difficult and could possibly lead to some bad circumstances. Once you tell YOUR secret it suddenly becomes THEIR secret and most people can't keep secrets and will eventually tell that secret to someone else and so on. You have to realize that after awhile there will probably be people who know about you and you don't even know who they are. When I started my coming out process, I told my (ex)wife, my daughter, my two brothers, and a few of my co workers. My wife told one of her friends, my daughter told her husband, and quite possibly my co workers told somebody close to them. After my divorce I had to come out again to my new girlfriend and she told her three kids who are now adults. The difference was however, I didn't care who knew. When we are out to no one we go through life with a secret that is akin to walking around with a huge load of bricks on our backs. Each time another person becomes aware of our CD'ing we shed one of those bricks. It's a tough choice and we have to live with whatever happens afterward.

[Teresa]

Diane,
I have to agree with you, the more people know the less the problem becomes, I did write all this down for my wife I made it clear it didn't bother who knew. We can't go on carrying guilt for ever for something we were born with and can't do anything about .

[CarolBrown]

Coming out to anyone is a huge step in itself, which, on one hand may make you feel better, but, also hands over a burden to who ever you tell. When I was in the closet, I really wanted to tell my wife and never gave concern to the level of burden I was handing over.

As Tracii says, worry about your wife and not your 'girlfriend'...

[AKADonna]

I have quite the opposite problem. My CD'ing has been a "little secret" between my wife and I for several years. Recently, she told her closest sister and told me that she had done that. So far, I have had a few strange glances from her sister, but nothing has been said. I'm retired and wife works, so I am usually dressed in lingerie around the house during the day. We have a Canary security camera in the house that she can view from her iPhone whenever she wants without me knowing it. Last week, she texted me that she wanted to see my makeup and lingerie, so I should model for her in front of the camera, which I proudly did. Then, when she came home, she told me that "it might be fun" to show me off to her co-workers sometime. I doubt that she really has done that, but it is quite a teasing thought. We will need to have a serious discussion about his and how embarrassing and humiliating it would be for her to do so. Perhaps it's her way to manipulate and control me. I kinda like that.

[CONSUELO]

The friendship seems to be a very close one and clearly you share a lot with her about your cross dressing. Perhaps you could raise the issue of being "outed" to others with her but in a neutral way as a general concern that someone else may find out about your cross dressing and tell others.Make it clear that your concern is not with her accidentally "outing " you. In that way you can help strengthen the trust you have in her. Asking her directly to make sure she keeps your secret might be taken as an insult and could weaken your relationship.

AKADonna ---having your wife reveal video of you dressed to her work place colleagues would be a terrible idea and could harm her situation at work more than it harms you. If she wants to enjoy being in control of you and you reciprocate that desire you need to find a safe audience, and that would not be the workplace.

[Tracii G]

AKA Donna keep your fantasies at home for your wife's sake.

[barbara gordon]

Diane Taylor - Yours is a good description - about the bricks.

Girl! those bricks are heavy ! The surprise relief is the feeling of being able to take in more air and walk with more happiness and self worth with each brick that you let go of.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'd agree with Kim- the only damage limitation you can do is to tell your wife, but then that carries with it the risk of angering your wife...

I suggest you talk about your fear with your girlyfriend first, perhaps she will put your mind at ease. But I certainly wouldn't tell her that part of your fear is that she may decide at some point to no longer be your friend- that would be a horrible thing to say to anyone.

[~Joanne~]

Once you tell someone your secret, its not your secret any more, so be careful before you decide to tell anyone.

I have to agree with Vicky, once you tell one person, there is the potential that almost every one You know will know about it at some point in time. I trust my SO to the end of time but that doesn't mean she might not slip up at some point in time or hasn't already for all I know. If she did she probably wouldn't tell me. Once the cat is out of the bag, there's no putting back. Be prepared for this.

[Dana44]

Indeed Karen, Good wisdom there. a true friend you have and she is not sharing. But yeah if it gets back to your wife. Watch out!

[joandher]

Once you ring the bell you cant unring it, be carefull

[Karen's Secret]

Once you ring the bell you cant unring it, be carefull

I think this is really the point of my post. Sorry I haven't responded to any of the posts but I've been out of town. I made the decision to tell this friend after seeing a therapist for a few sessions. She didn't necessarily tell me to do this but her strong inference was to stop keeping secrets. This particular friend I confided in is a nurse and is extremely serious about keeping patient confidentiality. That is why I felt at least somewhat comfortable in telling her. I forgot to mention that she recently moved out of state so my wife will not be seeing her potentially for a long time. I'm not necessarily sorry I told her, I really just didn't forsee that I was replacing one anxiety with another.

[Geena Gee]

Since I don't currently have a SO, and there are only three people that know I CD, I'm not too worried about my 'secret' getting out. It wouldn't be the first time that something embarrassing about me has leaked anyway. And, as with most things, I'll own up to whatever comes along. I'm not doing anything illegal or immoral when I CD, so if someone has a problem with Geena, it's their problem. (Unfortunately, part of that illegal thing may change soon here in TX, especially if I have to use the restroom.) Maybe that's my confidence, or arrogance, but life is too short to interact with small minded people.
I can empathize with others that are secreting their CD from SO's and family. However, I can't endorse living that way because it's not psychologically healthy. But confrontation can be more damaging to relationships with families and friends.
I do know that when I get into another relationship, my SO will be somebody that supports me as a CD.

[whorton]

A number of years ago, (1985) I had a breakup with a woman who became very spiteful and decided to let all my friends and family know. (They did not know)...

She told a few who dismissed it as BS. However, it resulted in a profound shift in my thought process. I decided that my crossdressing was not going to be used as a tool against me. I told all of my family and close friends that I did in fact cross dress. No one cared!

Since that time I have been in 2 failed marriages but in both cases, they knew up front that I crossdressed and had no issue with it. Nor was it a factor in my divorces.

Don't let yourself be blackmailed or threatened about your crossdressing. For me telling everyone was very empowering.

[Stephanie47]

This is always a sticky situation...to reveal or not to reveal. In order for someone to have power over you I think there has to be a close relationship; either romantic or professional. Since your wife already knows, she may be irritated that another knows and potentially may harm you and her by a slip of the tongue. If you only have coffee with this woman does she have any power over you? Probably not, but, as always the best kept secret is when only you know it. As we have seen time and time again on this forum knowledge by a girl friend or a wife has become a weapon to strike back.

Is the drive to have someone to talk to about it really worth the potential harm or anxiety? Do you ever consider a wife may not have anyone to talk to about it too? That's what my wife said to me in our little "talk" decades ago.

[audreyinalbany]

I"ve revealed my crossdressing to two women besides my wife: one mutual friend and the other my sister. I came out to our mutual friend i the hopes that she and my wife would be able to discuss it and that it would help my wife become more accepting. I've never worried overly much about either our friend or my sister outing me, but I've tend to have a kind of 'pink fog' when it comes to talking with either one of them. That is, I can't send them an e mail or have conversation without alluding to my crossdressing . It's probably not that unusual. Once someone knows and is accepting I think it's fairly common to want to talk with them about his secret that's been repressed so long. The problem is i feel that both of them are getting a little tired of it...I'm kind of 'wearing out my welcome' so to speak. My gg friend came right out and said she'd rather not see pictures of me dressed and my sister has just ignored any of my references to my dressing,so I think it's time for me to just shut up about it and go back to keeping it to myself.

[lingerieLiz]

I've had women who knew I CD oner the years. I kept the secret away from my work life. Other than that I've been pretty open. Some, both my wife and I have been close to. There are others that know but I don't discuss my CDing with. They have seen me in wearing fem clothes to some degree. When someone sees your bra it is pretty obvious that you CD. One of the women has seen my bra straps and when it was obvious that my clothes were women's still does not acknowledge it. Funny part is I went fishing with her husband wearing a woman's top and bra. Didn't bother him.