Odd (ironic) situation

[Karen's Secret]

Over the last year an interesting and ironic situation has developed. Actually I think it's kind of sad. My wife, who has always known about my crossdressing, has a sister who found out her 20 year old son is transgendered and wants to transition. No one in our families know that I am CD and my wife is adamant that no one finds out. My sister in law, who is extremely liberal, is now dealing with her adult son living at home, dressing full time, having recently changed his name, and wanting to transition. She is having a very hard time accepting this.

Here is the sad irony. I have always kept my CD'ing secret and would love to be able to share my story with my sister in law about how I've been a CD since a small child. My wife won't let me and frankly I'm not sure my sister in law could keep the secret. My sister in law, who is extremely liberal and has always been the first to champion gay rights, LGTBQ issues, etc., is now having a hard time accepting her son as a transgendered person.

I feel like I could be of help to my sister in law and her son in letting them know about me and that they are not alone. But at the end of the day I can't share my secret. Another ironic situation is that my wife is being very supportive and accepting of our nephew, even to the point of not caring about seeing him dressed, while she still wants me to keep my secret and to not dress in front of her.

We human beings are an odd bunch.

[kimdl93]

Isn't it so. Too bad that there is some sorrrt of stigma...associated with being married to a crossdresser. I sometime ge the impression that a womanizer or drunk would be more readily accepted

[Alisonforme]

You're both right. Something about being girly (trans) really throws people off. I was at yoga the other day and thinking "Boy these people would be freaked out if I was wearing toenail polish right now." Or if I wore heels to work.

[Gabriella111]

People tend not to know how to react to my bf, such as when they see his nails painted. One guy I work with, who I'd told about my bf being a CD and was ... fascinated is probably the best word, met him a few weeks ago. My bf was in men's clothes but his nails were painted. It was a very slightly awkward meeting but overall okay. Later the guy told me that he wanted to compliment my bf's nails but thought my bf might think he was being rude/not genuine.

But specifically on the topic of yoga, my best friend (who is a cisgender, hetero male) took my bf to hot yoga. My bf wore women's athletic pants, as he normally does, and my best friend thought he looked so hot that now he is rethinking his entire athletic wardrobe. "Women's athletic leggings come in so many cool designs. Men get gray, darker gray, or black." Haha. More men need to be in yoga pants with painted nails, in my opinion!

[Rachael Leigh]

Yes how unfortunate, I feel like you that your sister in law could have someone be beside her and not to mention her child
who can help them deal with these issues. Hope things will change for you

[suzanne]

This situation is more than sad or ironic. It's a minor tragedy. You are potentially the best friend and ally your nephew (niece, now?) has, and you are forbidden from connecting with her. She needs to know someone is willing to move heaven and earth to support her, and what better way than to come out to the world, damn the torpedoes, and be at her side.

Sorry, just saying, because I don't know your situation and how realistic it is for you to be fully out. But a member of your family is need of support.

[sometimes_miss]

Isn't it so. Too bad that there is some sorrrt of stigma...associated with being married to a crossdresser. I sometime ge the impression that a womanizer or drunk would be more readily accepted

They are more accepted. Because even though they have severe faults, they retain their masculinity. Women can still be sexually attracted to them. OTOH, women have a difficult time feeling attracted to feminine males.

This situation is more than sad or ironic. It's a minor tragedy. You are potentially the best friend and ally your nephew (niece, now?) has, and you are forbidden from connecting with her. She needs to know someone is willing to move heaven and earth to support her, and what better way than to come out to the world, damn the torpedoes, and be at her side
This makes the assumption that you have to out yourself in order to befriend someone else who is TG. You don't, any more than if you're white, and you think you have to become black/asian/inuit/whatever to befriend someone of another race.
While we might WANT to tell others about ourselves and our TG feelings and behavior, it's certainly not necessary to do so in order to let them know we support them. And you don't have to identify yourself as TG in order to know a great deal about it.

[LaurenS]

^This is what I was thinking^

[Laura912]

Tend to agree with Lexi that you can be supportive to your niece without violating the strong request/demand from your wife. As you express support for your niece, there may come a time when revealing your dressing could be helpful. Has it occurred to you that maybe having support from a "normal" appearing male would mean more just now than her knowing of your dressing? All too often during a medical crisis one friend would say to the affected person, "I know just how you feel. I had a similar case of...." and then spend the next several minutes talking about their own problem. The person dealing with the issue wants someone to listen and help them, not burden them with the other person's problems. Maybe helping with clothes shopping, makeup, and the gazillion other things she needs to learn would be your route for now. Also, this website would be a great resource for her.

[Pat]

If you can't be Uncle Karen to your niece then at least be the well-informed, supportive relative. Point her toward resources she might not be aware of take her out places as herself so she has both the opportunity to gain experience and the chance to have the protection of a supportive adult as she does so. Take her to a MAC store for a make-over and let them put male makeup on you too -- just as a sign of solidarity. ;) I think we all know how important it is to have affirming folks in our lives.

[mykell]

i think you can still be uncle karen without actually outing yourself as your mrs. wishes. i go to p-flag meetings,
https://www.pflag.org/
maybe ask if the inlaws would like to go and check out a meeting, tell them you did some research on-line as you want to be supportive.....do you have any children yourselves, were you close before they decided to transition, how involved your are now may depend how involved you were prior to.

so it is ironic, a bit sad, but being supportive from the shadows can be done in a way to appease all involved.

[SherriePall]

This situation seems to boil down to what I call the Theory of Relativity. The closer related to a person, the harder it is for that person to handle their loved one's CDing or transitioning. Your wife's with your CDing and your sister-in-law with her child's transitioning.
As some have already posted, there are ways of giving support without outing yourself. Just be there.

[Lana Mae]

Yes, many good points here! As was said , you do not have to out yourself to be supportive! Best wishes for being able to support your niece and to your niece on her journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[Karen's Secret]

I didn't think to state this in my original post but my SIL and her son live in another state so I see my nephew infrequently.

Perhaps selfishly, I was hoping that by having a nephew who is TG might help my wife be more accepting of me, i.e. go shopping with me, let me dress while she's around, do my makeup, etc. She has been more open about talking with me about crossdressing but that's about all that has changed.

This whole situation is a good reminder to me of how difficult our crossdressing can be on our spouses even when they want to be accepting.

[Pat]

I didn't think to state this in my original post but my SIL and her son live in another state so I see my nephew infrequently.

So do this -- send a card (through the mail) and just say you heard about it and you want her to know you support her. That's all. Acceptance early on is incredibly valuable to a person in transition and a hand-written card in this day and age is a massive gesture. ;)

[Aunt Kelly]

You beat me to it, Pat. I was going to suggest the exact same thing.

Make this about your niece, Karen. Let her know that she has your love and support. She's going to need all of that she can get. That this should come from an uncle, without any qualification, will likely mean much more at this point. There will come a time when you may share that feminine side of yourself with her. Let it come when she's strong enough to celebrate it with you. For now, you may be one of the few people in her life ready to accept and support her. Just do that.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Steph65]

To be honest it is not a Libertarian. It stem down from generations and generations. People have to remember that even 50 to 60 years and more ago that the churches were very influential. People did not say anything about TG or CD or even being Bi!!!! Just like the Mennonite and Amish you would be chastised and branded and ridiculed. It was taboo. This label was and has been embedded all the way down the lines. It is what people were told and how they were told to think. "that is not normal" that is sin" that is wrong" People were not exposed to this life style and were led to believe it is disgusting. People hid their children from society.
It is natural for humans to judge very easy on something they do not see every day or are use to not seeing. This is part of the DADT syndrome. It is only now that with people coming out of the closet is it slowly getting "accepted"
This syndrome is the exact same syndrome of the "racisist" that went on and still goes on in this world.
Humans are afraid of the backlash and avoid such situations. When in fact they should be educating and informing others that what they deemed to be wrong is actually making the situation worse. I would suggest your sister in law should go and seek help in understanding and what her negativity does to people and how much stress is put on others. JMHO

[Teresa]

Karen,
I would be like you and find it difficult not to offer advice, the problem is how can you advise when they don 't know you're speaking from experience ?
For a man even in the family to suddenly become supportive has got to raise the question of what does he know about it unless he has something to hide.

What are your wife's basic objections about people knowing about your CDing ? To me the best action is try and persuade your wife to talk to her sister, so you could be helpful , to me it makes you a better person even someone your wife could become proud of. The worse scenario is if the twenty year old can't deal with it and does something really stupid how is your wife going to feel knowing you may have been in a position to help prevent it ?

I would look at it in that light and say something to your sister in law and let you wife deal with it, at the end of the day you could bring more help and happiness into other people's lives by passing on the knowledge you have .

I've just read your reply, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to use the situation for your own ends, that will back fire on you, the situation may or may not arise eventually but don't abuse it to get round your wife . Her nephew may eventually transition but it could be the end for your marriage if she thinks your going the same way.

[BettyMorgan]

Karen,
I think what you're saying is that you are under the Transgender umbrella and you want your sister-in-law to know that it's going to be okay. Perhaps maybe even be a role model. Her child will actually be happier if she can be who she really is. Just like your wife is supportive of you, I assume you're happier than if she wasn't supportive. Your wife, however, may want to protect you, or may be embarrassed if you came out. Understandable.

Maybe you should watch this TED Talk video. It has left an impression on me about the consequences of hiding who I am.

The Dangers of Hiding Who You Are. (http://www.ted.com/talks/morgana_bailey_the_danger_of_hiding_who_you_are)

Good luck.

************************

Going off topic....


People tend not to know how to react to my bf, such as when they see his nails painted. One guy I work with, who I'd told about my bf being a CD and was ... fascinated is probably the best word, met him a few weeks ago. My bf was in men's clothes but his nails were painted. It was a very slightly awkward meeting but overall okay. Later the guy told me that he wanted to compliment my bf's nails but thought my bf might think he was being rude/not genuine.

But specifically on the topic of yoga, my best friend (who is a cisgender, hetero male) took my bf to hot yoga. My bf wore women's athletic pants, as he normally does, and my best friend thought he looked so hot that now he is rethinking his entire athletic wardrobe. "Women's athletic leggings come in so many cool designs. Men get gray, darker gray, or black." Haha. More men need to be in yoga pants with painted nails, in my opinion!

I go to the gym wearing the spandex tights/yoga pants, cropped at the calf - you know the kind. I have seen one other male at the gym and he had a pair of shorts over top; to hide his male parts perhaps? IDK. Has anyone ever said anything? Nope. Have people stared for a few seconds - yes, but probably at my sexy legs lol. No, seriously, people don't care as much as we think about our clothing out in the general public. At the same gym they have yoga class and I take off my socks. If anyone was really interested they would see my toes painted although it is shade close to skin tone so it doesn't jump out at you like red or pink. I also wear ladies jeans just because they're so damn comfortable.

[CONSUELO]

Karen,
You could at least express your concern that the individual be treated considerately and would it be that bad to just point out that what your transgendered relative is going through is not unusual and that there are resources out there to help. You don't have to state that you are a CD and are there to help. I'm not sure that you could considering the distance between you and also the very different situations you are in. I see you being able to give lots of support without having to "come out". If someone "suspects" that your outspokenness belies something else just ignore it.

I was involved in several conversations with people, some of them friends, who disparaged or criticized homosexuals and I always spoke up and said that they should leave off the criticism and treat the gay community properly and considerately. I have no idea what those people thought and I did not really care.

However, that said I think we should all watch the TED talk that Betty gave a link to . It has got me thinking.

[Jennifer_Ph]

Be very, very careful, most liberals are hypocrites.

[Suzie Petersen]

Karen,

I think you should try and put your own troubles aside here and just be a good person / uncle / family member to your sister in law and your nephew.
Think of it like this, What would you have done if you were not a CD? Then do that! (I am of course hoping you would have been a nice accepting person in any case).

Frankly, if you are a CD and your nephew is TS, you dont really have that much in common. What is needed here is not help with makeup and 5" heel choices! What is needed is for you to just be a normal accepting adult and help make it all easier for both of them to work through this.

Sounds like the one needing help right now is actually your sister in law! How about you get your wife to tell her about this forum, especially the TS and the FAB rooms. She can just say she read about it somewhere or that, now she knows about the nephew, googled and found it.
I am sure your sister in law could get some good relevant advice from there.

If you want to do something for yourself too, then talk more to your wife about the huge differences between CD and TS and explain why what your nephew is going through has nothing to do with your desires to doll up sometimes. She needs to know that it is not the same, and thar it is not contageus!

- Suzie

[Michala]

As others have suggested, just because your wife doesn't want you to come out to your sil or nephew doesn't mean you can't be supporting. Your wife is supportive, why can't you join her even if you're not allowed to dress with your nephew/niece? As everyone becomes more relaxed about the situation, perhaps your wife will relax with you as well. Don't push the issue for now, let it happen slowly.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Karen:hugs:, Be sure to read the last line in my signature !