Wife mocking me..??

[rebecca_ns]

My wife seems to be mocking me. It has been just over a year since I came out to her as trans. Never one for makeup, she has begun to dabble in it. She has always kept her hair rather short. In the last year, she has let it grow, and now she seemingly flaunts it. She makes sure she mentions at least a couple of times a day how long it is getting, much to my chagrin. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive. I don't know. All I do know for sure, it that my desire to be who I really am, to be me, is so overwhelming, so all consuming, that I can no longer hold it back. To watch someone whom I love with all my heart, and purports to love me as well, throw it back in my face, well, it hurts. It really hurts.

[Jodi]

Do you like the longer hair? She is obviously reinventing her appearance. If you like it compliment her.

Don't feel so threatened.

jodi

[Gabriella111]

Talk to her about how you're feeling.

[Sarah Louise]

Maybe she's just making an effort to look nice. Maybe she feels her relationship is threatened by you being trans. Who knows? I would suggest asking her in a non-confrontational way. It's good to talk.

[ReineD]

I agree with the people who posted before me. I cannot speak for your wife, of course, but I can relate my own experience that was NOT motivated by a desire to mock.

I also went through a phase fairly early in our relationship where I did my best to dress attractively, in a manner that I perceived would appeal to my SO. I knew that my SO was attracted to all things feminine, and so I wanted to enhance my own femininity in order to get him to be MORE attracted to ME. In a sense, I felt that I was competing for my SO’s male attention. The competition was between me and my SO’s femme expression. If this makes sense. I thought that if I was feminine enough, my SO would appreciate me just as much as he appreciated dressing up.

Do you wear a long-hair wig or are you attracted to women who have long hair? This might explain why your wife wants to grow her own hair and also why she points that out. She may want you to think that she is attractive too. Do you wear makeup? Your wife may perceive that you think makeup is beautiful, and so she may want to also become beautiful in your eyes.

[Gabriella111]

Reine makes really great points. Maybe she thought those things were never so important to you, and now she believes they are. This could be her searching for something the two of you can connect on together. A shared interest/activity you can share.

[ReineD]

This could be her searching for something the two of you can connect on together. A shared interest/activity you can share.

This might be Rebecca's wife's motive, but in my case, I was most definitely not looking for something to share. I thought my SO was enamored with the female expression and I wanted him to be enamored with me more than the female expression. I wanted to be the prime attraction in his eyes.

I did suggest early on that we share in girly activities together, but this was an attempt to be allowed into my SO's world because I wanted to become a fixture in it - I wanted to make sure he noticed and appreciated me - more than looking for a girlfriend to do girly activities with. I'm middle-aged, and the notion of doing girly things with other females went by the wayside after I graduated from high school. When we become adult women, we really do stop engaging in activities like putting on each other's makeup or doing each other's hair as some sort of bonding experience.

[AllieSF]

As others have said we really do not know much about your wife or relationship condition from this thread. However, I strongly believe that you are being way overly sensitive. Your wife has the right to grow her hair out, just like you and if she is really enjoying the change in look, why not celebrate with her? My wife had beautiful long auburn hair when we got married and then after having the children, maintaining it was too much work when added to everything else. She cut it really short and kept it that way until several years later. I really missed that long hair and never made a big deal out of it after she had cut it. You say that your wife has always had it short. Maybe she is truly enjoying the process and new look on her Hell, I love my own new long hair and probably drive my friends crazy talking about it sometimes. It just seems natural to me what your wife is doing. If you are concerned, then have a nice talk with her about her hair and why she is enjoying it so much. You do not have to mention your dreams. Make that moment just about her. I do understand your hurt, but without any further detailed information I do not see it as intentional. Good luck.

[sweetdreams]

This is interesting.

I had a GF who really didn't have much of a thing for lingerie until I came along as a CDer in her life. Me doing my thing changed how she related to female clothing. We would go shopping and we always got two of anything we bought. If I wore something like a negligee, she didn't have one due to her previous attitude towards these things, but when I showed mine she wanted one. I seemed to be something of a catalyst for her. I never viewed it as a competition, I couldn't get enough of it. If she enjoyed it because of me, it would have been dumb for me to push her away in jealousy. There was even more we were just starting to discover when our relationship ended, one day I caught her wearing a pair of my panties. Hmmm.... I think we were heading to a situation of sharing clothes like two close girlfriends.

Even with my SO, as a female she has little to no interest in dressing in sexy things, but because its' a turn on for me she puts some time and attention into these things.

I wonder if something like this isn't happening with your wife Rebecca. I don't think it's a negative thing in itself and can actually be a bonding thing if you can run with it. What if you engaged with her like the girl you want to be. If she was sharing these things with a girlfriend, what would the girlfriend say back? Talk about her makeup (and yours?). Comment on her hair in a positive supportive way. I'm thinking there could be girly things going on that you might actually enjoy. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she is trying to taunt you. Personally I think she might be getting into a more girly mode and you can share this with her rather than push it away.

[rebecca_ns]

Thanks for the opinions everyone. I am really trying. Really. The main reason that I believe she is mocking me, is the condecending tone. She talks down to me. She belittles me. She makes me feel beneath her.

[CONSUELO]

Ahh! I was struggling a little to understand the real issue here. I see that there is a lot more than growing of hair and use of makeup to possibly make herself more attractive to you. Is she angry with you?

[ReineD]

Thanks for the opinions everyone. I am really trying. Really. The main reason that I believe she is mocking me, is the condecending tone. She talks down to me. She belittles me. She makes me feel beneath her.

We can't possibly know everything about your lives in a few short paragraphs, but it occurs to me that if she is doing this, you have more pressing issues in your marriage than the CDing. Have you considered seeking marital therapy?

[audreyinalbany]

well, rebecca, that could be a whole other thing. People have been supportive here, but if she'd doing these things in a way to be demeaning to you, that throws a whole different light on things. Truth is, none of us are really in a position to comment as we can't be there to see the interaction &, as always, couples therapy may be the only way to proceed.

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glad to see we think alike, Reine...

[Aunt Kelly]

The main reason that I believe she is mocking me, is the condecending tone. She talks down to me. She belittles me. She makes me feel beneath her.

And that is a horse of a different color. It is possible, even likely, that she is expressing some dissatisfaction, even animosity, through her behavior and her words. She's communicating something, it seems, but you won't know until you ask. Yes, that's hard, and probably more than a bit scary. Find a way for the two of you to communicate effectively. If it takes a third party, and I mean a pro, not a friend or clergy, then so be it. It's very possible that that will open the door to a much deeper relationship, but you are likely to be better off than you are now, or where you may be headed.

[rebecca_ns]

Our relationship is very one sided. I dote on her constantly. I take care of all her needs. I put her well being before my own. I do all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, and laundry. I also do all the outside chores as well. I just don't know. It's like she's throwing it in my face. I just feel so lost and alone.

[kimdl93]

As many others have observed, it's a miastake to infer something negative from your wife's interest in making herself more attractive. It's much more likely that she is doing this because she wants to look her best, for herself and for you.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Have you thought of saying to your wife, 'It feels as if you're mocking me'?

[Tracii G]

I may be wrong but do you two talk much and by that I mean about you being trans?
If one of you isn't willing to talk that may be her way of aggravating you.
If you just act like what she is doing doesn't bother you in the least there is a good chance she will stop doing it when she realizes it has no effect on you.
I have to ask do you have a habit of talking down to her or mock what she does?Does she feel by you being trans in some way is mocking her?
If so then there is your answer she is paying you back.
Something to think about so you need to check yourself and try to see it from her side too and think am I being a dick to her?

[rebecca_ns]

Have you thought of saying to your wife, 'It feels as if you're mocking me'?

I have. It would however, lead to an argument, an I am unwilling to go that route. I grew up with arguing parents. I will not put my daughter through that. I will suffer in silence for the sake of my daughter. I will put on a happy face despite the fact that I am dying inside.

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I may be wrong but do you two talk much and by that I mean about you being trans?
If one of you isn't willing to talk that may be her way of aggravating you.
If you just act like what she is doing doesn't bother you in the least there is a good chance she will stop doing it when she realizes it has no effect on you.
I have to ask do you have a habit of talking down to her or mock what she does?Does she feel by you being trans in some way is mocking her?
If so then there is your answer she is paying you back.
Something to think about so you need to check yourself and try to see it from her side too and think am I being a dick to her?

I always put her feelings first. I don't want to hurt her. I am always complimenting her. I try to make her feel like she is the most important person in my life. I just feel as though I am here for her convenience. I don't push anything on her. I don't bring up the subject of me being trans. I just don't know any more.........

[Fiona123]

Your coming out might have caused her to rethink her own femininity. The longer hair and make up could be her reaction. I don't think she's mocking you.

[rebecca_ns]

She may not be mocking me, but it sure feels that way......maybe I'm imagining it. I have been trying to get her to go to therapy. Her response was, and I quote; "you're the one with the problem, not me".

[sweetdreams]

I'm not really clear on the dynamics of the relationship with regard to the crossdressing.


What is the extent of your crossdressing as far as your wife is concerned?
My initial sense is you have told her about it but you are still in the closet?
How secure are you in your acceptance of yourself as a crossdresser?
Are you clear on what this means to you?
Do you want to transition?
Are you gay or bi?


The reason I ask is if you aren't clear on who you are and what you want, it's difficult to explain or expect someone to accommodate you. I know this is something that seems to change for all of us over time, but where are you right now?

Also I'm not trying to be nosy by asking a bunch of personal questions. I'm just trying to get a sense of who and where you are in your CD journey.

[Dana44]

I tell my GF that she is the best woman for me and tell her she is pretty. I think she is growing her hair and is trying to get a really nice comment from you. Do you have long hair? If you do she may be hurt and is trying to be a woman to you. Talk to her and see how she feels.

[Tracii G]

How about getting her alone and that is with your child not at home some afternoon and having a deep heart to heart talk.
Answer her questions and you answer hers. Write them down if you have to so you remember them to ask her.
If you feel you are just here for her convenience tell her that don't beat around the bush get it out there.
So I see you don't talk about because you don't want to push things but maybe its time.
You do what you want but from my experience with two ex wives if you don't stand up for yourself you will continue to be her door mat.
She will continue to treat you like you don't matter because in her eyes you don't.
You may ask why and its because you won't stand up to her.
I am saying that because I was just like you in both my marriages and I got treated like I didn't matter and I was just a paycheck.
Both told me thats what they didn't like about me I was too easy going and didn't tell them no and act like a real man.
Like I said do what you want and I'm not saying be a jerk but make your voice be heard and show her you do matter.

[Teresa]

Rebecca,
I'm sorry you see it like that, it's good to see a partner/wife take an interest in herself, OK she might being trying to prove she can do it better than you , so let her enjoy herself as well .
Your dressing could have pushed her the other way and may have let herself go, so how would you feel about that ? I know which I prefer, I love my wife buying herself a new dress and planning when to wear it, OK I'd love to join her but at least it's good to see her feeling good about herself . She may not wish to see me dressed but I have a feeling she has checked out some of my things so she knows I dress smartly and present myself well but I would never make it any kind of competition .

I've just read the rest of your replies, I can't help thinking if you push too hard on this issue you will have a DADT situation on your hands, your wife is doing what my wife keeps telling me, she just wants the man she married. I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and shopping, she would prefer me tackle more of the male jobs as well, but I've lost interest, yes she does mock me for it and at times I get annoyed,she is simply frustrated knowing it's never going to be the same again . As we nearly separated she doesn't push too hard because that will be my answer, we came to a compromise for the family so she has to accept it's now as good as it gets for both of us. Occasionally she does pull a low body punch which really hurts but I guess I'm hurting her at times .

[Kelly DeWinter]

My goodness, when someone you love is going to great lengths to feel better about themselves, take it at face value , compliment her and take the opportunity to improve your relationship.

[Nicole_in_Texas]

How about getting her alone and that is with your child not at home some afternoon and having a deep heart to heart talk.
Answer her questions and you answer hers. Write them down if you have to so you remember them to ask her.
If you feel you are just here for her convenience tell her that don't beat around the bush get it out there.
So I see you don't talk about because you don't want to push things but maybe its time.
You do what you want but from my experience with two ex wives if you don't stand up for yourself you will continue to be her door mat.
She will continue to treat you like you don't matter because in her eyes you don't.
You may ask why and its because you won't stand up to her.
I am saying that because I was just like you in both my marriages and I got treated like I didn't matter and I was just a paycheck.
Both told me thats what they didn't like about me I was too easy going and didn't tell them no and act like a real man.
Like I said do what you want and I'm not saying be a jerk but make your voice be heard and show her you do matter.

That is kind of what i was thinking. Improved communication is the key to life. I initially agreed w everyone in thinking you should be flattered she wants to look nicer & participate, but it seems there are deeper issues. It might be painful & soul searching but are you capable of looking introspectively at your role in how she is feeling? Don't mistake that for me suggesting you are at fault, but as men we want to fix things. If there is something we can do differently then we can potentially solve the problem. Is it possible she wants you to be more assertive? If she is doing this perceived behavior towards you is it possible she is lashing out to maybe get you be a certain way?

Communication is tough. That is basically what a therapist does is to tear down barriers & break down walls... What are your needs/desires & how do you reconcile those w hers?

[leannejacobs]

I think you could be feeling a little paranoid, in my own experience after coming out to my wife, she was a little hurt, jealous even of my feminine presentation, although I'm very tall I can present a very shapely womanly figure, (waist clincher and hip padding included) she has/had put a lot of weight on over the years and was pretty down about it, I never put her down but she realised herself it was time to try a diet, she'd never tried before, in 6 months she's lost over 3 stone, she looks great and is so much happier.
If your wife is making an effort, don't knock it, it's not just us who like to look nice, by all means have a chat if she's "rubbing your nose in it" but please, just encourage her, trust me if she's happy it makes life so much easier.

[audreyinalbany]

and...if she seriously thinks that "you're the one with the problem, not me," I think you're in serious trouble. It seems to me as though if one person in a relationship has a problem it automatically become 'our' problem. If you can't be interested enough in your spouses well being to at least make the effort to help mediate the problem in whatever way you can, then you're relationship is on thin ice indeed.

[SherriePall]

Gone through some of that after I told my wife. She began using make-up again after years of not using any but lipstick. She and I bought her some nice nightgowns (that is, no flannels), etc.
Part of the reasoning was that she felt the need to show she was still my woman (and to see how I reacted to that) and part, I believe, was to be my beard for all the make-up being bought.
And, there were times when she would say something to me which hurt, but then I was really, really sensitive about certain subjects for a while after coming out to her as a CDer.
If what she says to you hurts, tell her (but in a nice way).
Hope everything calms down for you.

[LilSissyStevie]

No one wants to be the bearer of bad news but maybe the reason she talks down to you is that she can no longer see you as a man, at least not the kind she would be attracted to. The reason she is getting all gussied up is not to compete with you but because she either has a boyfriend or is on the prowl for one. The reason she hasn't left you yet is that it takes time to get all her ducks in a row for the grand exit. You'll know the time is near when she starts getting real nice all of a sudden. Get your head out of the pink cloud and consult a lawyer. Find out where the money is going. She could be building a war chest. You can't stop the train wreck but you can jump off ahead of the crash if you see it coming. Remember: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. Of course, I could be wrong but it's better to be prepared.

[Tracii G]

I'm glad I am not the only one that feels this way.
Anyway I think a lot of your problem is you not recognizing that you have pretty much messed up your marriage by coming out.
I would consult in an attorney and get your ducks in a row now and don't let yourself be blind sided when she drops the hammer on you.
We don't know the whole story and you do so maybe you need to take a long look at whats going on and be honest with yourself.

[Geena Gee]

Rebecca,
In every relationship, no matter what anybody says, there is a hierarchy. It's the hunter/gatherer thing that is instilled in all of us, either through genetics, or socialization. It seems like you've taken the subservient role of the gatherer, and your wife is the dominant hunter. This is a typical preamble to a dom/sub relationship. But, the yin needs the yang to be complete.
I really believe that couples counseling is something that would benefit you both (even though you stated that she thinks, "you're the one with the problem.") You will probably have to relax the sub role that you are fulfilling, and be more assertive to get her to go with you for counseling. Take a break from doing your chores, and basically go on strike to find success. Tell her "I may have a problem, and you feel that you don't, but together WE have a problem, and I'd like us to work through it."
Best of luck,

-Geena

[Kelly DeWinter]

I cannot believe some of the responses.
. consult an attorney
. find where the money is going.
. she has a boyfriend

One of the reasons this site is so successful is the compassion to help people figure out the issues we have in our relationships.

Bravo to those who offered help to the op for where she is now and not assuming that disaster looms.

Yes, I'm a glass half full person . :)

[LilSissyStevie]

You know what they say: Once bitten, twice shy. You're not doing anyone a favor by just assuming the best possible outcome. Half or more of all marriages end in divorce, a lot of the rest become loveless, sexless business arrangements. What are the numbers for CDs that come out to their wives? They're probably a lot worse. I doubt they are better. The odds are against us so risk management becomes very important.

[Becky Blue]

Very tricky situation Rebecca, I would attempt to have a serious discussion with her. I would be asking her how she feels about you and really listen to her. Of course its impossible for any of us here to know what happens in your dynamic, but she is sending out signals to you. There is a possibility that deep down she feels she has failed to be feminine enough for you and that is why you are who who are. Of course that is irrational but who said rational behavior comes into people's feelings.

Perhaps you should consider seeing someone as a start, there is a fair chance that could lead to seeing someone together after you have started the ball rolling.

[Pumped]

I would still compliment her when she mentions something like her hair. Even though it may burn a bit inside, when she is flaunting it as you say, just tell her you noticed, and you think it looks nice. Keep it up until she quits, or you might be surprised, she might calm down a bit. You get more flies with honey, so they say. Try to not be confrontational, but don't let her walk all over you, but be courteous and respectful, even if she is not.

There is definitely some friction between you two and it will continue to get worse until it reaches a breaking point, so do what you can to let her know you appreciate things that she does, (what few they may be). You two need to find a way to get along, or sometime you world will come crashing down and you think things are tough now!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rebecca:hugs:, Try to work with her and maybe able to help her with hair and makeup, It could be fun for both of you...:daydreaming:...

[Cheryl T]

Or, maybe the fact that you are using makeup and can wear a wig that's long and feminine has triggered her to take more pride in her own appearance.

[Robertacd]

I love it when my wife mocks me about my dressing. It is just one more way she is showing her love for me.

[rebecca_ns]

Warning: Long reply ahead.

I asked her if we could take a vacation day on Tuesday. It was short notice, but we both work for the same company. We slept in, I got up and made her a beautiful breakfast. Bacon, home made hash browns, my patented scrambled eggs, toast with home made wild strawberry jam, and coffee. She sensed something was up. When she had finished, I took the plate, and sat down in front of her. I didn't even get the first word out before the tears began to flow. I told her everything. Every little thing that I could think of. All my wants, all my fears, and all my hopes. She just sat there taking it in. It felt like I was at my therapist. I just let it all out. It took me over an hour. I told her about how hard it is for me to cut my nails. How it pains me to have them short. I told her about wanting to go out as myself more and more. I told her that the road I am on WILL lead to transition at some point. I also told her over and over how much I love her and my daughter. How much it hurts me knowing that they will be hurt in this process. I told her about me cutting myself, ( I had hidden it from her....a mistake, I know ), how hard it is for me to choose to be the woman I know I am, and the husband and father she wants me to be. How torn I am. How divided I am. How deeply sad I am. I laid everything bare. I then waited for the hammer to fall. It never did. She never knew how much I am really hurting inside. How much my soul aches over being torn between the the two women in my life - her, and I. The D word never came up. We talked, and talked, and talked all day. No breaks. I then brought up the last point - my feelings of being mocked. She began sobbing. Tears fell like rain in a monsoon. She wasn't mocking me. There is no other man, or plans for a divorce. It turns out, she has begun to dabble in makeup, and grow her hair long from guilt. Guilt that she could do everyday, what I long to do, but as of now, cannot. She felt guilty. She felt bad. She felt sad, that she could wear whatever she wanted, have her hair however she wanted, while I could not. That was what it was. I, nor anyone who responded to my thread picked up on it. She felt that as a woman, she was not doing me justice. She was not holding up her end as a wife. I can't detail the entire conversation, but needless to say, it was good one, perhaps the best ever, and I think we are closer for it. She promised to be more sensitive to my needs, and I to hers. We are not perfect. We are doing our best with the hand we have been dealt. Can anyone ask for any more..??

[Sarah Louise]

Thanks for the update, Rebecca. I think you've proved that so often, keeping lines of communication open is the most important thing. I'm glad it went well.

[Lydianne]

Hi, Rebecca!

When I read your OP and updates, I was also not sure what to think. There was a member here who posted about coming out to one of her female friends, and the friend got upset that she [the friend] could do and wear all the things that the said member wanted to do and wear, but she [the friend] felt that she was taking it for granted by not doing so. So I've heard about this reaction before, but it wouldn't have crossed my mind because if I were in either of your positions, I wouldn't have viewed it that way, nor made that accusation ( as you both didn't ). But I am pleased you both managed to start communicating because it's better than worrying without knowing for sure what is going on in each other's minds.

I hope for the best for you both in the future :) .

[CDJoyce]

Hello Rebecca,

I was heartened to read your latest post. When you said you thought that your wife was mocking you as well as making changes in her appearance I feared that there was another man somewhere in the background. I'm delighted to see that you both have been able to open up freely to each other. Many couples fail here and bring disaster upon themselves.

It's good that this 'clearing of the air' has made facing what the future holds easier in that you will face it together. Life, especially major alterations such as you envisage, can be so difficult and yet easier to bear when you have someone by your side. Communication lies down a foundation for progessing and overcoming problems but it's not a magic spell but an essential ingredient in keeping a relationship intact. Transitioning will alter things if you do go along that path. However, a good start has been made. I wish you both well.

[sweetdreams]

Rebecca this is all good.

Please be careful to not make it all about you. Your wife needs some support with all of this as well. You have just downloaded a lot of pretty heavy stuff to her. Please make sure you are aware of what she needs and might be going through. This is a journey the two of you will be on together. Take care of each other.....