Coming out to my wife.

[Nic J]

Hi everyone,

For over a year i had been torn between the guilt of hiding my crossdressing from my wife & the fear of what might happen to our relationship if i were to tell her about it.
I finally realised that i had to be honest with her, so after bottling-out of it several times i poured everything out to her while we were home together.

My wife was amazing about it. I was shaking with nerves as i told her, but she hugged me & said that she would try to be understanding even tho it was all a sudden shock to her.

I tried to reassure her on several things: that i still love her very much; that my sexuality has not changed; that i do not want to go public with my crossdressing. I apologised for keeping secrets from her and promised to be open with her from now on.

We talked more about when/why i started crossdressing and discussed the sort of things that i like wearing. We actually agreed on certain feminine clothes that she is fine with me wearing in the house & we also agreed that if i want to progress and try other items of clothing i should talk to her to see how she feels about it.

It feels amazin to finally be able to talk openly to my wife about crossdressing. I just hope that we can find a balance that works for both of us in the future. When i made my introduction post recently, several members warned me not to try to progress too quickly. Great advice which i will always try to remember. Thank-you :)

[sweetdreams]

Well done. Congratulations. This will be a real game changer for you.

[Rachael Leigh]

Great I'm glad it went well, honesty is best for sure

[ClosetED]

Congratulations on her acceptance and your taking it slow. The happiness of not having to hide this is amazing. Hopefully she will bring up the subject at times and let your feminine side be expressed verbally. If she doesn't bring it up, she may still have concerns so then go slow even talking about it. I also work hard to give her plenty of husbandly actions, so she doesn't think she lost a husband in exchange for a girlfriend.
Hugs, Ellen

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Nic,

Good for you, honesty is defenitely a better path in a relationship.
Wonderful to hear your wife had a positive reaction to the reveal! Not everybody are that lucky.

Now .... Be Careful!! You can easily mess this up, and you also need to know that your wife might suddenly change her mind about this! Many of us here have had that very unpleasant experience.

I saw your intro post where you said you started dressing not that long ago so that is a little different than most. For many, this is a life long thing that can be very powerful and very difficult to control. Because of that, it is generally unwise to make promises about how it will evolve, for instance in telling your wife you do not want to ever go out! You are planting the seed for a promise to be broken later, so be careful!

Go very slow and be very observant of the signals your wife sends you, in direct words or otherwise.

- Suzie

[Lana Mae]

Be honest and take small steps! Keep letting her know you are still her man! Hugs Lana Mae

[Samantha Clark]

Congratulations!🎈 I know from my own similar experience what a huge weight that lifts off your shoulders. I'm happy this site has provided you so much support. It's been a boon for so many of us here.

Be yourself and find happiness!

[Dana44]

That is great Nic, If you have support from your SO it is great.

[jentay1367]

Well....how freaking mature was that? Should pay dividends for you in the long run. Don't let your elation drop too much on her at once. Take it sloooooooooooooooow. That will pay dividends as well.

[Angie G]

Great news Nic great wife you have there hun. And welcome to the site girl.:hugs:
Angie

[alwayshave]

Nic, that's great news. Don't overwhelm here immediately. Cherish her.

[Nic J]

Thank-you to all of you for your support & encouragement. :)

It reminds me again how lucky i am to be married to someone so supportive. I will try to remember the good advice & not rush things.

Ellen & Lana Mae - I hope to be able to reassure my wife that altho the dress sense may have changed some, inside i am still the man she married many years ago, with the same good (& sometimes annoying) traits.

Suzie - Thanks for your advice about not being complacent. This is the thing that worries me a little, as i have read other threads about SO's who seem fine at first, but things go wrong later. I hope to be considerate of her feelings & always discuss things, never assume.
Also your point about things evolving. I enjoy the things i can wear at home at the moment & feel great about that, but as you say, nobody can know what will happen in the future, so i shall be cautious.

Thanks, Nic :)

[Scarlett Viktoria]

Seems like that could not have gone any better. Congrats!

[Jen92]

Brilliant news almost exactly same as my circumstances. Don't forget to treat her fantastic, as she deserves, and to continue to work hard to be a brilliant husband. Continue to communicate.

[Nic J]

Thank-you.
Jen - I have just read some of your posts. It sounds as though life is working out really well for you. :)
I just hope things can progress that well for me if i go slowly.
Be happy! Nic

[CrossWitMe]

That's great news Nic, looking forward to hearing how your journey progresses.

[Suzie Petersen]

Nic,

One of the things that goes bad for many, is that since we dont know what cause us to have this need, when asked "why do you do it" we try and explain it as best we can at the time, just to later find that the explanation doesnt really fit anyway. If asked again later, it seems to the wife/GF that the story changed, which some will interpret as the first version having been a lie.
The problem is, it was not a lie, it was just the best explanation we had at the time, and now we think we know it to be different.

Another thing that causes trouble in Paradise, is when we promise a certain status que and then later need to go beyond any agreement. Thats why you will hear me and others warn against making promises of "I will never ..." this or that, because we know how the desire can change with time and with experience. What today seems to be enough to satisfy the need, might not be enough in a month or a year, and then you are in trouble because you "promised!".

On the SO's side of the equation, it is not uncommon that she at first accept this because she doesnt know what it means, and she wants to be supportive. Later, she might find that it is difficult for her to accept for any of a multitude of reasons, and then her acceptance and support can change, sometimes completely disappear.


Nic: Thanks for your advice about not being complacent. This is the thing that worries me a little, as i have read other threads about SO's who seem fine at first, but things go wrong later. I hope to be considerate of her feelings & always discuss things, never assume.
Good! Write that down somewhere and remind yourself often.


Nic: Also your point about things evolving. I enjoy the things i can wear at home at the moment & feel great about that, but as you say, nobody can know what will happen in the future, so i shall be cautious.
It is good to establish rules that both can live with, and it is wise to respect these rules. Many will tell you they got in trouble when they slowly but persistently tried to push the boundaries by just doing a little more all the time, and then suddenly the SO has enough of it.

- Suzie

[Beverley Sims]

Nic,
You seem to be progressing well, just don't assume things or push the boundaries.
Others have already given this advice so enjoy your progression at a slow and manageable rate. :-)

[NancySue]

I compliment you on your progress and wish you well as your relationship develops. I believe that because of the built in compulsive nature of CDing, acceptance by a wife or SO, has to be unconditional. Yes, I told my wife, before we married...thinking she'd run, but she didn't. She's totally supportive. Anytime there are conditions and restrictions, you'll never be happy. The dilemma is..what if it's OK for some things, but not others, when the things you like to wear are on her "no no" list. Then, it's back to secrecy, dishonesty and guilt. Women can usually sense things. It's best to get it out once and for all. It's worked for me.

[softer side]

Nic,

On the SO's side of the equation, it is not uncommon that she at first accept this because she doesnt know what it means, and she wants to be supportive. Later, she might find that it is difficult for her to accept for any of a multitude of reasons, and then her acceptance and support can change, sometimes completely disappear.
- Suzie
You're right on the money but "accept" should be replaced by "acknowledges", both of which are a long way from supportive. I used to say 'understanding' is a long way from supportive but how can we expect them to understand when we don't understand for ourselves.

Hero status for the OP. I wish I had the fortitude to do what you did and I'm thankful that it worked out in the end for me but regretful that I wasn't forthcoming.
SS

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Nic:hugs:, ( This:love:is for your Wife ) Ok the ball is in her court now go slowly and don't overwhelm her with pink fog...:daydreaming:...

[Judy-Somthing]

That's great that your wife is taking it so well.

It took me a year to finally tell my wife the whole story about my dressing and she want's it to end thinking if the wrong person finds out it will spread like wildfire.
She also thinks my adult children will stop visiting which will stink especially if and when grand children are born, and she'll hate me if that happens.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Nic,

I'm glad you felt able to trust your wife with the news and that she is mature enough not to panic, and open-minded enough not to react negatively.

You've been warned not to progress too quickly, but I'd like to suggest something else: there's no guarantee how this news will affect your wife in the long term. She will now be processing what you've told her, perhaps reading about the subject online, maybe even discussing it with somebody she trusts - other than yourself. She may even find this site.

What she learns may make her uneasy (though of course it may not). You may find she comes out with questions she didn't ask in your first discussions, and depending on her personality and possible insecurity, she may begin to wonder at, for example, your future needs and desires. Just because you've told her 'your sexuality has not changed' might it change in the future? Might she become less appealing to you if, say, she doesn't want to have sex with you crossdressed? Might your progression lead you to want to transition in the future? Will she end up losing her mate?

If she starts to ask questions like this, it might be wise not to respond, 'Well I really don't know - how can I see the future?' - better to affirm your love for her and your attraction to her and tell her those things are unshakeable and keep the discussion firmly rooted in the present. Don't encourage her to build up worries.

She seems a very got together lady, but we can all feel a little insecure sometimes and crossdressing carries much wider implications for a relationship than, say, 'Honey I've decided to take up metal-detecting'.

[suzanne]

Congratulations! You got the best possible outcome from your coming out. I wish it could be that good for everyone.

[Nic J]

Thanks again to all of for your support & great advice.
As many of you say, i am so lucky that my amazing wife has taken this well so far, but i do not want to assume that it will aways be the case. We have agreed that we should talk openly if either of us feels uncomfortable about how things are going.

Suzie - I understand your point about being careful trying to explain things like "why?". I read someone else's post the other day about why we crossdress & i wanted to add a comment, but when i tried to put it into words i couldn't really explain. So i can see how it could be misinterpreted by someone else.

Nikki - I have discussed with my wife about me joining this group and asking for advice here. She is fine with that as my profile is anonymous. It may lead her to ask more questions, but i think it will be positive for us to openly & honestly discuss any concerns which she may find.
The one thing i am 100% certain of is that my sexuality is absolutely no different. I do reassure her that i still love her so much, this does not change.

Judy - I am so sorry to hear that things are not going well for you. Hopefully in time your wife will become more supportive, after your brave decision to come out to her. Best wishes, Nic :)

[Jenny22]

Nic, you've just recently joined the forum, so I don't know how much of it you've explored. If your wife is a PC user, she may be doing some surfing on her own about the CD subject, and some of it may scare the hell out of her, especially the porn. You may want to let her know of all of the crap that is out there so she doesn't draw any conclusions that would relate to your CDing. Just sayin'. If she truly wants to better understand the why of CDing, have her join this forum. She can gain access to a wealth of good information, especially the FAB material. She can even make some on-line friends, and that would be a plus, generally.

[Nic J]

Hi Jenny,
I appreciate the warning.
I have had a look at some parts of this forum, but i am somewhat naive of what else may be out there on the internet. As you say, probably things which would give my wife completely the wrong impression. I have talked to her about me joining this group and explained to her that she is also able to browse/join in here if she wanted to find out more.
Thank-you, Nic :)