En femme with SO

[2BArianwen]

All

Forgive me if this is something that has been done to death already, but being new to this whole new world, I have so many questions and so much to get my head around - but, of course, you know that already!

My question is directed to ladies who have been accepted by their SO as well as those who have had more of a 'neutral' response (if there is such a thing): When you have come out to your SO in terms of them seeing you dressed, have you done so in full en femme personality or has it been more of "this is what I look like when I'm dressed"?

This thing really messes with your head!!

Thanks

Rian

[JenniferMBlack]

I don't have a different personality whwn im dressed. I have been fully En femme otherwise with my SO. And if imI had a different personality i guess i would have gone woth that too.

[LaurenDeHart]

Slowly Rian. My wife is 100% supportive and active. I had come out to her in male mode. For me it was easier and the lack of a visual confrontation enabled dialogue (this is critical Rian), not criticism.

The first time I dressed for her I was quite nervous (she is an expert on being feminine after all) so I made every effort to go slowly. There was no change in personality. I encouraged ("begged") her for her feedback, which she provided, and that started a dialogue that has been ongoing for decades. I was/am a very lucky person and I wish the same for you.

Good luck!

Lauren

[jjjjohanne]

I asked a crossdressing friend this question once. His wife knows and goes out with him sometimes. He said that when he is en femme and alone with his wife, there is no feminine voice or other presentational modification. She still expects my friend to kill the spiders, etc.

[Rogina B]

It was important to me to come out over ten years ago to my wife as I was already in the process of social transition when she got here from South America with my daughter. I met up with her at a mall. She was not able to tell it was me that she was looking at from a few feet away. Then I called her ! What a surprise !lol Anway,it has all turned out well and we live like 3 girls in a house. My daughter has been everywhere with me since age 5 and she is in high school now. Our family unit is 3 girls to the world and that has been the goal I was looking for. It took risks to get there...

[AlissaMurray]

My wife is fine with my habits, but my personality does not change. I am the same me no matter what. I would step carefully, if you change too much just because you are dressed she may freak out a little. Best to just take it a little at a time. Be the best you you can be in both modes.

[Beverley Sims]

Mine was a more neutral response with gradual changes of appearance.
Each holiday has released a new look and more tolerance.

[Laura912]

Yes, this thing messes with ones head and never stops messing around up there. Thirty years ago after telling my wife and discussing the usual questions, she wanted to meet the other me. Got dressed (took 2 hours...wanted to get it right) and met her in the living room. Received a look of astonishment, a big smile, and the comment that she was amazed at the transformation. Now, it varies from wearing things under my shop clothes, to light make up, to full glam. But am still the same me...curmudgeon, weird sense of humor, her husband...but with smoother edges. However, the same me still struggles with how far I really want to go or can go. Or maybe it is more how far I cannot go and still stay sane.

It is probably better to start out en homme when telling her. Less shock factor. Good luck and welcome to the party.

[ClosetED]

Welcome to the Forum Rian!
Many SOs do not want to see their man any other way than their fantasy, masculine, person. My wife tolerated a bit of hose/heels at bedtime for decades, but did not want it further. When she went DADT and do what you want, I explored wigs and makeup and made my dream come true, but her nightmare. So we were in DADT for 6 years and just recently she was ready to see my pictures-or at least 150 I had chosen to show the best and progress. I have modeled clothes for her with a wig on, and hose/heels, but not with makeup as well. Even that sends her catatonic at how feminine I appear. And the image stays with her no matter how I later appear in front of her.
Her question to me is "who is Ellen?" And I answer that Ellen has been an image, a grand illusion. To know the personality, you need to interact with others, and I had no experience. So I have tried to go to the local support group to find out. I hope I a bit more outgoing as Ellen due to confidence, but I feel the base personality is the same.
Hugs, Ellen

[NancySue]

I told her before the "I do's". After the Q &A, talks, etc. To my surprise, she jumped aboard. She couldn't wait to see me in full dress. I really wasn't sure if this was a good thing, wanting to move a little slower. Well, we all know what happens when the pink fog swirls in. I prepared myself as best I could, which took over an hour. Finally...Ta Da. She was amazed. I asked her for any thoughts, improvements, or suggestions. She had a few. Now, it's part of our relationship. Our deal, when she shops is...one for me...two for her. Seems fair to me.

[Alice B]

My wife knows and accepts my dressing and has seen me fully dressed several times. She usually just peaks and that is it. There are times, Like tonight, where I want to dress and will tell her so. She will say OK, but usually stay upstairs. If there is a program that we watch together she will come down, but mostly not look directly at me. Going out together will never happen. It is just what it is and seems to work.

[2BArianwen]

Thanks so much everyone for your encouragement. I don't think I was very good at defining the scenario, so I'll try to clarify: Let's assume that, as male, you've sat down and tried to explain what it is you feel and that you keep having ongoing talks for days/weeks/moths... Eventually, she says that she would like to see you dressed, so you do so and show her. Just by the very nature of it, when I'm dressed, I'm more feminine-aware, so my walk is slightly different, I slow down and do things more deliberately, I keep my legs together when sitting down, etc........ Is it the same for you? And, if so, were these 'natural adaptations' included as part of the reveal?

I think I may have given the impression that I was planning on doing a full dress, make-up, hair and nails, hiding behind the sofa, then jumping out yelling "Surprise!" when she walked into the room - sorry for not explaining things correctly. I guess that if I ever got to the point where my SO asked to see me dressed, I wouldn't want to appear as a line-backer in drag sounding like Sylvester Stallone.

Just one more thing, I'm really not sure about terminology and CD etiquette, so if I get things wrong, please don't be offended.

Thanks

Rian

[ClosetED]

Ah, that is different - so she is aware, but has not seen. So my wife was first willing to see me without makeup or wig - a man in a dress, was easier for her to see. But I still moved feminine and she could see it. When I added wig and tossed my head or moved hair out of the way, she again saw the feminine (and the happiness). That I could walk in 5" heels without a problem. Next came the pictures, as that was easier than seeing me live with makeup, which still has not happened. Seeing the pictures stunned her - she expected a clownish man in a dress with bad makeup job. She admitted I was as pretty as a catalog or runway model and could see the joy and playfulness and sexiness I try to display for the camera in my illusion.
So for your situation, ask her what she is ready for. But many can't take the full thing right away, unless that turns them on!
Hugs, Ellen

[Nicole_in_Texas]

My SO was so hot/cold. When we were together she was a lot more standoffish. We are not a couple anymore but will always be together in a way bc of kids. Neither of us has another SO at the moment - that would change things if I did.

Since we aren't together she is much more willing to participate & go shopping whenever I bring it up. But I only bring it up occasionally. If there is a thing I can offer it is not from example, but advice. Be honest with yourself & trust your instinct. It's hard not to be selfish when they are going along bc they care about you, but deep down inside they really wish you'd do less of it or be less extreme. Communication is so important bc sometimes it's so hard to tell.

[2BArianwen]

Thanks Nicole. I hear the heartfelt message in your kind words

Rian

[mbmeen12]

I was honest with my SO during our dating mode via a phone conversation. Then there was silence and she said; My brother/sister had full blown SRS
there is no feminine voice or other presentation modification.
She still expects my friend to kill the spiders AND SNAKES!.

Now for the first time she said "OMG you look better than my sister"... Rest of evening it was fun and relaxing feeling dressed and sexy with her.

[Steph65]

My wife the incredible woman she is. Right from the start I told her everything has to be up front. I told her about my divorce and everything I have been through. Except dressing.......... :( well it was time to decide whether we will luve together or not and the subject came up about silk and sheerness. My wife asked do you like silky boxer or anything soft and smooth like that? .............. OMG my heart pounded right out of my chest and kicked me in the butt and jumped back in right down my throat!!!! My answer? I said Yes I love the silky things I love to wear womens panties that are soft and sexy and cute. Guys underwear is like wearing sandpaper. It is like wearing a steel file made underwear. I love the feel of womens clothes and the colours. I have worn them for years and was scared you would not like to be with a guy who wears womens clothes............. The look on her face did not show any emotion she just asked if we could get silk sheets for the bed as they are cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter. I said sure we can............. she dropped me off at work the next afternoon and I was so worried she would pick me up and that would be the end of us........... She messaged me and said she let the truck in the parking lot as she was called in to work a double......... I got home and said I will pick her up and she sent me a text saying she hid all my clothes and got me some new clothes and had to wear them....... This was the start of a new relationship and since then everything is up front and the truth. Truth is more forgiving than a lie and you can be trusted in telling the truth.....

[terza]

it would assuredly be disastrous to dispute who has the vagina, even in the far reaches of fantasy --a few role play are the exceptions.

i remembered my girlfriend, recently split up, stopped by, and i was dressed up... she didn't even noticed the very plain view suspenders and stockings.

bottom line is when i'm immersed into a relationship, i don't have a facade nor any duality.

[Angie G]

I try the full en femme personalty thing but it's always This is what I look like dressed. Well sa lone as I'm dressing that works for me.:hugs:
Angie

[char GG]

I suggest that you first tell her how you feel about HER. Do you still love her? Do you want to be with her? Is she your dream girl? That will at least set the groundwork for the big reveal. Let her know if you want things to stay the same in your relationship with her or do you want things to change. If you want acceptance from your SO, you may want to let her know that your focus is still on her, not your girl self. You may save yourself a lot of grief.

If any of the answers the first three questions is "no", then you need to re-evaluate your situation with her... and maybe just get a mirror.

Hope for the best.

[Paula_Ann]

I came out to my wife (before she was my wife) in the same way I come out to myself... as if it is perfectly normal for guys to wear girls clothes... so I simply change into a different set of clothes but I am still me and male.

[Jenni Yumiko]

It was a long road to acceptance with my current rest of life wife, but in the end, we go out together, we pick each other's clothes, do each other's makeup, and I do our nails. She has seen it all, her only rules are not around the youngest and no sex dressed. While the sex is off limits, I totally get it, I wouldn't want to have sex with her if she looked like a dude.

[Kathyxd]

I'm out to my GF and she is completely supportive of my dressing. I think I have the same personality whether presenting as male or female

[LacieMarie]

I came out to my wife while we were dating. I don't change who I am just what I wear. She loves to doll me up(I have a photo in the photo section) and she has accepted it from day one. She said as long as it make you happy it makes me happy. Be up front from the get go if she can't be happy with what you like to do then let her know how you feel about it. I made sure my wife knew I didn't want to be a full time girl with hormones and all that. Just want tonfeel pretty and sexy like she is

[CateNatalia]

I've always been upfront about my dressing / gender identity with my SO - thankfully, she accepted it all very early on. She hasn't seen me fully dressed, although she has seen photos. When she saw the photos, I'd had a girly weekend on my own and it just came up in conversation, so I showed her. She was quite pleasantly surprised!

[Gwinnie]

My wife is very supportive too. Her main fear is how other people will treat me while I'm out. So far there has been no issue. I'm planning to dress for Easter at church in a few weeks. We'll see how that goes.

[SharonDenise]

Like many of the previous others that have already responded, I came out to my wife while we were still dating. She accepted and supported my crossdressing. For forty years it was a secret between the two of us. After she died, I became more open and now belong to two crossdresser support groups. My daughters also now know but its DADT.

[ginafaye]

We started this path together playing in our bedroom while dating, we both love Ginafaye as she has developed

[aprilgirl]

I told my wife early on when we were dating. Naturally, it took her by surprise, and I answered all the questions she asked. It was only discussed when she brought it up, otherwise it was out of sight, out of mind. After several months, on her own, she began making purchases for me, which she hung on my side of the closet. On occasion, there would be a nightgown on my side of the bed, which I think was her way of getting acclimated to the whole concept.

After nine months, one weekend morning, she asked to meet Kim. The reveal couldn't have gone better. Within moments she realized that under the wig, padding, and make-up, I was still just "me". She's been fully supportive and we often make plans to go out together with me en femme.

Rian, I just saw your clarification. It was a long time ago when she first saw me, but I'm pretty sure that my mannerisms would've been feminine in nature, as far as walking or sitting. However, I've never attempted a femme voice, or girly girl persona, which I believe was a relief to her and probably why she said "You're still you".

[TrishaTX]

Mine is not fully accepting but it takes time to get anywhere. You need to be patient. On another note, you might never be fully accepted , h=just the way it is. For me my personality is the same, I just dress for me and no-one else...

[lorisdream]

Like many others here, I told my wife (then girlfriend) after only a few dates about my female side. She does not have a problem at all. She often buys me girl things that she knows I would like. We do go out dressed on occasion. It's all good!!

[Barbara Black]

I was just wondering if, when a wife accepts crossdressing very readily, if they had already recognized the feminine part of our nature, possibly subconciously, so that it is not as big of a surprise as you, or her, would expect? Certainly didn't happen in my case, but it would explain some reactions, certainly one that I never encountered.
Just saw Aprilgirl's response, seems likely there...?

[Devi SM]

I came out to my wife one year ago. I won't forget those days because we're really sad for both, mainly because I confess everything, my bisexuality and done things with men, so that's horrible for a wife after more than 30 years married.
She is supportive now my cding but not my bisexuality.
It actually changed everything to confess, noe my desires are more just dress than to have sex with a man, not totally but something that I can control.
My first time dressed with her was a surprise for her, just a sexy pant, a blouse with bra with pad and a silicone breastform, shoes, she smiles and just kiss me, my manners are femine but not my house.
After that it's being evolving, it's more natural and she corrects my femine manners.
We go together shopping it I'm in male but buying for both, same size so she try clothes for me.

[Teresa]

Rian,
I don't want to sidetrack your thread but it occurred to me that I can't recall seeing the basic question of how many of us are in a DADT or open situation, maybe I should check on it and post one.

I personally can't answer your question because my wife chooses not to see me dressed . At one point I did ask my wife if she allowed me to dress in front of her at what point would she possibly stop me , her answer was simply not going to happen so that problem won't arise .

OK living with DADT to me means living a double life, I'm not going to stop so I have to find ways of working round her. I understand it can mess with your head, going out socially helps enormously , yes my wife does know as do my children and their married partners .

One final thought if my wife changes her mind I wouldn't be happy with the in between look of a man in a dress , but I would happily go along with whatever she finally felt comfortable with .

[Sandin Meknickers]

bottom line is when i'm immersed into a relationship, i don't have a facade nor any duality.

Exactly.