Extremes of Emotions

[2BArianwen]

Now that I have realized that I have a need to express the girl inside me, I realize this is going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. I am 99% sure that my SO will be in total opposition to it/me/Rian, so I can't see anything other than doing this in secret. As I ponder on this, my emotions change from exhilaration at the thought of dressing, to guilt, to denial and self-loathing. I'm exhausted already. Please ladies, any advice? Thanks. I think I'd be drowning without this place.

Rian

[gerri ray]

Just take a deep breath. The emotions do come flooding in at times.
When I told my wife, I took a huge risk! Her previous husband also dressed and forced her to do things, which left a very negative view of us girls.
I'm sure you have to a degree, gauged how your wife feels about this subject. I will say, these feelings we experience are a lot easier to cope with with a partner.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, my first stop would be with a competent psychologist, not necessarily some specialized in gender issues. Clear up any existing issues before you begin coming out to your wife. Not saying you should not come out, but conditions like OCD anxiety disorders and depression can confuse and complicate the issue.

[Rachael Leigh]

Rian, there is no easy answer because mine knows and it's still a mix of many emotions for her and me. We are somewhat
DADT, but mostly she would prefer I wasn't this way. So I'm sorry I'm no help but for most women having this as an issue
is probably worse then anything we could have. I wish you the best
Rachel

[Judy-Somthing]

When I got married my wife new I dabbled in cross-dressing and other then Halloween it wasn't going to happen.
It's always been a part of me so I hid it for years.
Could I have convinced her I needed to dress on occasion? I don't think so.

Well now after thirty five years of marriage I told her the whole story.
She is not happy, she says it's like being married to a stranger.

[Laurana]

You best prepare yourself now for the eventual "got caught" moment. When it happens.....and it will happen, and you are almost 100% sure your other half won't take it the way you want the consequences will be far worse than being open with her.

Sit down with her and tell her the truth before you lose her trust.

That's my advice and opinion. Others will disagree with me but *shrug*

[Alice B]

As others have said. She will find out. I'm a strong believer that honesty is the best policy. Try what I did. Search the net for articles that explain cross dressing. Select the parts that you feel best explain where you are. Highligt them and then sit down with your wife, tell her about your urges and give her the material to read and digest. Then sit down with her and oenly discuss it. Will she like it. No. But, with an open discussion you can arrive at a working solution for both of you. For me it worked very well and as time went by I gained more and more freedom to let Alice oit of the bottle.

There is still the chance that her reaction will be totally against it and then you have the big choice, but the sooner the better for both of you.

[Stephanie47]

Part of your exhaustion, and, I am assuming mental exhaustion, is the unknown. Will the "reveal" end up in divorce? Or, you and your wife go dress shopping together? Or, somewhere in between? Remember, the advice you get on this forum is worth exactly what you paid for it. You bear the consequences of your actions or in actions. I don't know if you have been a 'lurker' for many years or just recently stumbled across this site. Each marriage is unique. Also, remember a woman may change her mind and do a complete turn around. There have been many posts of acceptance turning to disgust or apprehension turning to acceptance. If you do "reveal" your desires, please remember this is something that is surely to be totally foreign to your wife.

My only recommendation from "MY" personal situation is to be truthful and not try to BS her with some humble jumble you yourself do not understand. I ended up in a "don't ask, don't tell" marriage. When we had the "talk" I told my wife the truth. I told her "I do not know why I do what I do!" That was totally different than telling her "How I feel when I wear women's clothing." It was easier for my wife to accept that premise than trying to tell her "It brings out the inner women in me." Unless you're married to a psychologist in gender issues that is going to brushed off with rejection. She raised concerns whether or not wearing women's clothing had something to do with feeling my wife was not "enough for me." I told her my cross dressing has nothing to do with her.

All the emotions you enumerated are typical of a cross dresser trying to find his way in life.

[sweetdreams]

I think something you can work on is getting past the guilt. You can do this for yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong. This is just part of you. Somewhere in our lives something happened to us that wired our brains this way. It's not right or wrong, it just is. Accepting this should help you a lot.

Beyond your self acceptance comes the topic of talking with the wife. This is difficult and only you can make the decision and live with the consequences.

For me, I would have the talk. I think honesty in a relationship is pretty important. Once it's out in the open, you and your wife can discuss what to do with it going forward. This is a journey both of you are on, she just doesn't know it yet. She might surprise you, but you do have to be ready for the alternative. If she tells you it has to stop or be kept away from her then you need to decide what this means to your life and what to do with it. It might be a bumpy ride, but the way I see it you are already on the crossdressing train. It's left the station. Now it's more of a question of where is it going.

Do you have a bit of the pink fog going on right now? You might as well get used to the idea that it rolls in every once in a while.

[Teresa]

Rian,
The first point is we don't know how long you've been married or if children are involved. Dare I say you might be in your forties ?

The first point is to get over the shame and guilt of CDing, as you say you have realised you have a need to express a female side of you, many of us were born with this trait so there's nothing we can do about it, we have to find ways to come to terms with it and learn to live with it. some are fairly comfortable living in the closet , I couldn't stand it to me it was like solitary confinement , the hiding, peering round curtains and listening for the car door was mentally destructive you will never find yourself while all this is going on.
I came out to my wife after twenty years of marriage, , it's still far from perfect but I have reached a point where she knows where my things are and where I shop for my needs she also accepts I go out socially, my children and their married partners know but again they haven't seen me. At some point you have to start the ball rolling by talking to your wife if you want to to get off the rollercoaster, I know what a rocky ride it can be .

[2BArianwen]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and words of advice. It's so comforting to know that I don't have to face this alone - you've all been so kind. As I read through different threads, I realize that everyone's individual journey is so unique, that there is no way to predict the end of the story. Yet, many of you also provide the same words of advice - slow down, take a breath, be honest (with yourself and your SO), that whichever path I walk, there will be a need to make some very serious and possibly heart-breaking decisions. So, for the time-being, I'm just going to 'be'. I'm not going to add to the stress by running through every scenario in my head. The only items I've ever bought in the past have been shoes (it's always the shoes!) and nylons, but have always purged in times of guilt. So currently, I have nothing and I am just going to accept that for a while until my head is a little more ordered, and going out and buying something now would only add to the chaos.

Once again, thank you all so much. It's hard to put into words what the support means to me, but then again, I guess I don't really have to as you already understand.

In addressing Teresa's prompt, I'm 54 and have been married for 30yrs. I have an adult child who has flown the nest and another close to finishing high-school.

Love to all.

Rian

[Jaylyn]

I think you have chosen well Arianwen. Everyone's situation is different but you can at least rest assured many here have gone before facing these feelings you have. Heed all advice but choose what you need to use in your situation.

[Becky Blue]

Rian, I feel your pain and understand what you are feeling is very common. I really have to disagree with some of the posts above, there is absolutely no certainty that you will get caught by your SO. Please please do not decide to tell or not tell your SO based on posts from people who do not know your situation. Please get some professional help and remember once you tell you can NEVER untell.

I am not for one moment suggesting you do or do not tell your SO, but please get some professional help in deciding what to do.

[Lana Mae]

I agree with Laurana! If trust breaks down it is very hard to get it back if not impossible! Be truthful and let the cards fall where they may! There are many threads on this issue! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae