DADT. Wife time vs. Carla time

[CarlaWestin]

So, it's early Saturday morning, the time I've been waiting for. I'm all dressed up and I decided to even do the dreaded makeup thing. Looks like it was applied from a slingshot close up but, the camera images come out really good. I just have to practice. I really want to go out but, where is there to go at 7:00am on a Saturday morning. I've been contemplating pushing the DADT mark a little by just saying that when I'm dressed, I'm going out for a drive. That won't go over too well because wifey's DADT is at the bottom of the scale (hater). But, since I'm just a male a-hole in her eyes sometimes, I can just do the man thing and say, "I'm just doing it anyway! Deal with it!" The point of this is that I'm getting really tired of being the sole provider financially, mr. fix-it, gardener, landscaper, retirement builder, etc... and wifey, a virtual non-contributor, seems to wield so much power over my well being. Now, I'm not even entertaining divorce or anything. We're too old and settled in and we really truly just love each other.

As I approach retirement, I want it to be accepted that my personality has no set gender confinement. I want Carla time at normal life hours. When I get home from work, all I want to do is relax to my comfort zone.

So, what are your thoughts on how to approach this? Understand that I'm in my sixties. And, I don't really want to hear the self serving detritus from the usual haters that rear their ugly heads when I post these things. (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?247157-Competition&p=4059292&viewfull=1#post4059292)

[DIANEF]

Hi Carla, I know DADT is not a great thing but its better than what I have as I'm still in the closet. The 'I'm just doing it' thing is fine, but if your wife is anything like mine you'll still be hearing about it in 20 years time!! (they have incredibly long memories don't they...). I'm some time of retirement yet and just get a day or two a week for some me time. like today!. I suppose it's how much grief you need about your dress time, put your foot down and she might take the funnies, or she might be a bit more accommodating, only you will know that. Good Luck!!

[kimdl93]

Oh, expect some self serving detritus....and really it's just fun to use the word detritus, isn't it!

But to your point, it's your life and your relationship, and I suppose both of you exercise some veto power in one area or another. Is it possible to have any conversation at all about your wife's feelings on the matter. I'd be curious to learn what is underlying her abhorrence to cross dressing, from her perspective. It may not help, but even that information might eventually be enlightening.

[Judy-Somthing]

All as I know around here is that when the SO isn't happy,
Doors seem to slam, TV gets louder, sarcasm increases, eye contact is avoided, and the dreaded silent treatment punishment goes into effect.

That's why I ended up in the closet in the 1st place.

[Aunt Kelly]

Carla,
You have a legitimate complaint. There should be space for you to enjoy yourself however you choose (as long as it's legal, not self-destructive, etc.). Certainly, cross-dressing should qualify, even in a DADT situation. My wife is a little more tolerant of my dressing, but she has absolutely no interest in sharing some other pastimes of mine (very guy-type-stuff). If she did object to those things, we'd be having a talk. Like you, I feel that I am entitled to enjoy myself from time to time, but I don't think "I'm just doing it, deal with it," would be the right approach. Maybe, after prefacing the discussion with the acknowledgement that you understand and respect her boundaries (doesn't want to see it), make it clear that this is something that is important to you. Perhaps even that much "asking and telling" is too much, but then you're left with nothing but deception and subterfuge anyway, so maybe it's worth a shot.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Alice B]

There is no easy answer, but if all that you say is true then she needs to hear it. Not as direct as how you have posted it.I do not think she is going to go anywhere because you have been together for a long time. But there is the risk that she could leave and then you have to consider if the risk is worth it. It is your life also, not just her vision of who and what you are

[Lorileah]

Yes you have a complaint. But it seems you also have free will and you have control of your life. You choose to stay in the relationship as it is. You choose not to cut her loose and you choose to live by her rules. Sounds like yo aren't happy, so you stay in a relationship that makes you miserable.

First question yourself as to if things are as bad as you think they are. If you are truly miserable and hate how your life is then you need to look for ways to change it. If you can't get her to compromise, then you make that decision. Stay or go. But let me put my perspective in here. You may think life bites, maybe it really does, but one day things may change without your control. One day you may find that what you want is there for you. You have the time and the ability to do what you like because you no longer have her in your life. Trust me on this. My life was great. I had almost everything I needed. I had a tolerant wife. I would have liked to have been "out" more but I made the decision to "protect" her against the world. I know now I didn't need to. But I digress. One day (actually over 18 months) I lost her. And that feeling of not getting to do all you want was hollow. I could dress. go out and yes ultimately I did transition. But the space she filled in my life is hollow. Now not only did that happen once but the partner I found afterward was taken from me too, so the space is larger.

I can tell you I would rather have them both back and I would rather that I had negotiated better. It sounds like you don't like your life. I was very comfortable with mine, but stop and think...how would you feel if you didn't have them with you. Pick your battles, compromise, both of you should be happy with being together. If one isn't; it's time to move on before you don't have that choice and you are left with a huge hollow emptiness. At least you have the ability to make the choice before life, or God, or nature makes it for you.

That detritus was gratis

[joank]

Sounds like marriage to me. I think most of us long term (marriage) folks (48 years) go through this.

[Fiona123]

I don't have any advice. I do have lots and lots if sympathy. My life is very similar. I am in my 60's closeted, transgender and very unhappy. It's a hard road, my heart goes out to you.

[Teresa]

Carla,
I know the the mister-fix-it has gone from me as well, Ok I took my chance and grabbed my pensions while they were still worth something so my wife continues to work, we are similar ages and similar circumstances , our wives know but don't wish to see it. To me the advantage I have is getting over the hurdle of being able to go out dressed and meet others socially, it's not enough once a month but I have stopped over and dressed for breakfast . It may not be for you but why not try it and see if it makes a difference to your dressing needs . I do believe my wife is giving me more respect because she never thought I'd have the courage to do it, she has since said so in those words. It's also taken some of her fears away , I haven't run off with another man, but I do admit I need more but then that's more to do with my GD/AGP.

I have to admit I did think when I hit my sixties maybe all this would start to die down instead it's become stronger , I enjoy it more now than ever, every aspect of it and I've told my wife words to that effect.

You have a good way with words, so I guess you will be able to work something out soon , retirement means more time and thoughts for dressing , it's going to tougher on both of you if you can't find a compromise.

Lorileah,
Thanks for your insight, I have had coward and courage labels thrown at me from some members, the problem is we don't see the value in things until we don't have them, maybe we should try wise or stupid ! The problem is the only one that can really make the decision is us as individuals, and we never know it's the right one until we've made it but then we possibly change one set of compromises for another .

[sweetdreams]

Hi Carla.

It's very difficult to give you solid advice. I think you know it's all up to you.

It sounds like we are about the same age and heading toward retirement. This is when a lot of the social pressures come off (don't have to dress for work environment). I understand where your head is at.

I'm not in a DADT and the wife is supportive and does her best to give me the space I need. Sometimes she complains that she's just a termite on a lumber truck and I'm the driver. It's not quite like that. She does get to have a say, but to a large extent it is true. I do push fairly hard to get the freedom I need. I have to because there isn't anyone else who will go to battle for me. She isn't going to come up to me and say "oh honey you haven't tried wearing makeup yet, would you like to?" I have to bring these things up.

I'm guessing you might have a conversation with your wife. Will it hurt to have a discussion? You know better than we do.

Just a little dross from my thoughts as I read your post......

[docrobbysherry]

Turn your "man cave" into Carla's Cave!?:heehee:

[Lauri K]

Carla,

I hear you loud and clear, and while I am a little younger and had a different set of circumstances, my supportive wife that would go out with me and shop/ eat / travel whatever... she was in all and then one day finally after 23 years decided she needed a man that was hairy and smelt like Brut 33 or Old Spice. So she filed for divorce and we went our separate paths. We are still distant friends of sorts, but the financial and emotional toll I have been through has been a high price to pay.

Same as you I got tired of being the bread winner, fixer, planner, window washer, chief cook and bottle washer. She did not work the last 8 years or so before the divorce, so she had plenty of time to get her head filled with negativity from her family, friends, internet, etc. about me being who I am. Case of too much time on her hands if you ask me otherwise she would have been saying yeah whatever, you enjoy your self the hell with everyone else.

But I can tell you that aside from the loneliness and no one to talk to when making important decisions my life is pretty good alone. But there is ton of guilt and financial repercussion to deal with.

Sorry I have no good solutions, but do feel you need to win her support to continue this relationship in a healthy state, because when you retire you are going to have a ton more time to dress up, just saying it will likely amplify the problem, so finding a compromise will be the resolution to stay together..

Hugs Lauri K.

[Alice B]

One thing is for sure. If you are in your 60's and it has not gone away, then it is not going to go away. I'm in my 70's and it is still there.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Nooooooooooooooo Girl ! You did NOT just make me look up a word that is not in my vocabularied.

detritus - waste or debris of any kind,

If you have made up your mind to force the issue and are prepared to revive whatever consequences those actions may generate, probably a gentile approach would be the most prudent course of action.

write out a short letter , explaining why you feel you need this in you life.
read "My Husband Betty" and keep it around the house, She might just pick t up and read it as well... when you are not around.

You may also want to pm some of the others on here who have moved the DADT into more positive territory.


Just keep in mind your wife is also having a lot of stress and uncertainty in the relationship area at this time.

[CarlaWestin]

All responses have been very friendly and warm. And, I thank you all.
Lauri, Teresa, Kelly. You're my peeps!


One day (actually over 18 months) I lost her. And that feeling of not getting to do all you want was hollow. I could dress. go out and yes ultimately I did transition. But the space she filled in my life is hollow.
Interesting. When I finally do get the coveted protracted Carla time, the hollowness of the silence always looms like a dark cloud and I worry that she's OK.


Turn your "man cave" into Carla's Cave!?:heehee:
Oh, Sherry. You know I have already. I sent you the videos!

[Aunt Kelly]

All responses have been very friendly and warm. And, I thank you all.
Lauri, Teresa, Kelly. You're my peeps!

Interesting. When I finally do get the coveted protracted Carla time, the hollowness of the silence always looms like a dark cloud and I worry that she's OK.

A most apt metaphor. Sometimes dark clouds produce violent storms. Sometimes they just dissipate on their own and the sun shines again. The experiences of several who have responded here bears out the unpredictable nature of such clouds. You could carry on and hope for fair weather, or you could be proactive and try for real communication, but even if you do, you might not like what you hear. Consider also that retirement can be a very stressful time in a couple's life. Adding the CD thing too that would seem to be a catalyst for such stress. It seems like things are not likely to stay the same. They might get worse, as others have related, or they might get better if some understanding, acceptance and trust can be reached through communication.

In the end, you have to decide what makes you the most happy. For us, that's always a tall order. Good luck to you, sister.

Hugs,


Kelly