Kids & Coming Out

[tori-e]

Hi,

I have two small kids, a girl 10 and a boy 8. My wife and I have been discussing how to come out to them. I'm wondering if anyone has had any experience that they could share in this area.

thanks,
Tori

[Kimberley]

This is a tough one.

Your daughter is soon to be entering puberty and this could really mess up things for her. Your son might have a few years to grow into the idea but regardless I think it is going to be tough on both of them.

If I were in your situation I think I would be looking to get outside help with this because the kids wont understand and acceptance could be a huge issue. I certainly wouldnt try to go it alone even with your wife's full support. It is the kids that you have to be concerned with. I would interview anyone before bringing the kids into it though. I would want the approach to be as natural and nonconfrontational as possible, providing as much empathy for everyone as can be had.

Good luck.
Kimberley.

[Maria D]

I'm only aware of 2 studies done on the children of transgendered people. They were by Richard Green (if I recall correctly) who runs Charring Cross in the UK. They showed that the children, having not been indoctrinated by society, had no problems at all. Most, unprompted, started using 'mummy 1' and 'mummy 2', showing typical childhood logic. They were a little younger than yours I think.

Of course as Kimberley says, your daughter is approaching puberty. I don't think it'll 'mess it up for her', but being a parent means a duty to your children. How it will affect her will probably be related to how other children see her, and that can be tricky. Add in that everyone is different, and it's really hard to say. I wouldn't say not to do it, but probably early rather than later might be best.

I hope someone with experience can help, but keep in mind that everyone is different and you know your children best.
Take care :)

[Kayla Smith]

Tori,

Although I am not a TS, just a CD, I came out to both of my daughters last August and to my suprise neither of my daughters had any problems with the fact that I am a CD. I think that it really depends on how your children are being raised( a conservative or liberal enviroment) and the maturity level of each child. This I think will be a way to gauge if your children could possibly have any issues with the information that you are about to tell them.

The other thing that I did say(after I came out ) to both of my daughters was that the only thing that is different now is the fact that you now know something special about me that I don't share with just anyone.

My daughters are 14 and 12.

Hope this helps you in your decision in whether or not to come out to your children.

Best of luck to you

[DonnaT]

I'm not TS, but I still waited until they were adults.

If you are going to transition anytime soon, then I personally think its best to tell them the younger they are.

[CaptLex]

I agree with Kayla in that a lot depends on how your kids are being raised. I didn't come out to my son until last year (he was 24), but I knew he'd take it well because I've always raised him to be open-minded, tolerant and accepting of other races, religions, cultures, sexual orientations, etc. :cool: I would have come out to him earlier, but I didn't even realize what my own situation really was until last year.

Actually, it was pretty easy to tell him because he's a big fan of Eddie Izzard and all I really had to say is that I'm just like Eddie, except the flip side. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's it?" And then he said he always knew I wasn't like anyone else's mother, so he wasn't surprised. He's even told a few of his friends, so that lets me know that he's not only cool with it, but he knows his friends are too. :happy:

Good luck to you.

[Jasmine Ellis]

I myself wouldn't go there. It's fine for your wife to know about you. But kids, I think not.
They only have to go to shcool one day and let it slip out and you have a nightmare after. Also, your kids may get pick on, which it won't be good for them. Your wife also, may get harmful words of your cding. Could they handle all of this, could you?
Her friends, your kids friends, could turn on them, so don't do it! :thumbsdn:

[BeckyCath]

I myself wouldn't go there. It's fine for your wife to know about you. But kids, I think not.
They only have to go to shcool one day and let it slip out and you have a nightmare after. Also, your kids may get pick on, which it won't be good for them. Your wife also, may get harmful words of your cding. Could they handle all of this, could you?
Her friends, your kids friends, could turn on them, so don't do it! :thumbsdn:

That's a very closeted isn't it?

Speaking as a TS woman who's going F/T mid next month, i've been out to my kids, 8 and 4 1/2 for about 5 months now, and they are fine about it all. Why wouldn't i want my kids to know about the important life changing thing i am doing Jasmin?

I am actually seeing my eldest's teachers on Wednesday to discuss the situation and the challenges that may come...

I am really surprised that you think that a transsexual woman, who has no choice other than to transition shouldn't tell their children.

Tori - e the easiest thing is to just tell them, I treated like i was telling my eldest a very big secret, and was placing alot of trust in him, and i explained that i was ill, and needed to made better... Everyone is different...

I think if you've got a good relationship with your kids, then it should be OK, i hadn't got a great relationship with my boys, but it is improving. Please don't do what someone i know did, and moved out, moved 200 miles away to transition without telling her daughters why she'd gone, and is now wondering why her daughters don't want to talk to her...

You have to tell your kids, and just be yourself!

Rebecca

[Elizabeth]

Tori,

I came out to all my children, ages 21,17,13,and 10. All of thier friends know. I am completely in the open. There have been no consequences as a result. This whole notion that the truth damages kids is just a bunch of hogwash. The truth is not harmful.

Being transgendered is not a wrong choice. It is state of being. Our children have a right to know who we are. It would be like saying that being gay, or being over weight will harm our children, because it will cause them embarassment. My children are not embarrassed because I have taught them I can be no other way, I can only lie about it, which is clearly wrong.

My children accept me and they also respect me, because I opened up to them and trusted their love. I have had not problems with my childrens friends either. No of my children's friends have been banned from our home because I am transgendered and really no one cares. When my oldest son told his friends, one of them came out and then admitted he was a crossdresser also.

We will never solve the problems of discrimination as long as we accept that we are doing something wrong. Not telling our children "to protect them" does not protect them from anything. It instead says that what we are, is somehthing shameful to be hidden.

Tell your children, trust thier love. If they have trouble dealing with society not approving? Teach them the truth, your truth.

Would y0u rather have a parent that was living a shame filled life in secrecy, or a parent that says "This is what I am, and some people don't agree".

Love always,
Elizabeth

[angie_pacd]

I am a 50ish cd. Been dressing all my life, Raised 3 children, hid it from them until a few yaers ago when my 30 yr old daughter walked in on me in my baby doll and panty.Wow what a surprise, but she was ok with it after the shock wore off, actually she helps me with my make up. Its nice that she knows, but I would never had told her. Angie

[Jasmine Ellis]

Becky. I have 4 kids of my own. The only parson who know's about me is my ex wife. I have one age 15.....12.......10.......and 8.
If you wanted to tell your kids then it's up to you. So why ask us for our opinion and when someone like me saying don't do it, then someone like you saying the things like you said to me.........
And why wait, untill they are the ages of 8 and 10, why don't you dress when they was born so you wouldn't have to tell them?
I didn't want to affened anyone in what I said, if it has then once again I'm sorry.........
The Question was there for all of us to answer, which I did. There was no need for you to turn on me. All you had to do was answer your own opinion.

[Maria D]

Hi Jasmin,
in terms of your first post, you used lots of conditions. This may happen, so don't do it.
Well, yes, bad things can and do happen, but if you don't do things 'just in case' then you sacrifice your happiness on the off chance.
People get stuck in their boxes of fear, never allowing themselves what they really want, in case something bad happens. By being scared of the could they deny themselves ever finding out what would have happened. My Mum really made me think when I told her at Christmas. She asked why I never said anything before, and said she wished I had done, because she would have, if not understood, tried to help me. By being so afraid of telling, I caused myself so much suffering, hatred, yadda yadda, and it could have been avoided if only I didn't have the 'may happen' attitude.

I'm also assuming the same as BeckyCath, that since this is in the TS forum the poster Tori is TS (or questioning). So it's not such a 'hidable' thing as CDing, but could involve full transition and two Mums. Complex, but then isn't life always? :)

Take care :)

[Stlalice]

Tori,

Wether to come out to your kids or not depends a lot on your situation. Are you a part time C/D or a TS going full time? How are the kids being raised? This is one place where a good therapist that specializes in gender issues and the family issues/problems that can result can be of great assistance. If you are considering transition and doing the Real Life Test there really isn't any way not to tell them. For your sake and that of your kids take it slow and get the best advise you can - a good gender therapist will likely have been through this before and can help both you and your kids over the rough spots.

[tori-e]

Hi all,

Thank you for all the responses. This has been wonderful.

I just wanted to clarify that I identify as TS. I am not out to anyone but my wife. She loves me as Tori and we enjoy as much time as possible as girlfriends. Also, in the past year I have been getting increasingly involved in the TG community in Vancouver and have a growing number of friends that know me only as Tori.

I feel a full transition for me is difficult. (That's a whole other story) But my home life is becoming more and more complicated. My daughter is catching on to so many things. She inadvertently saw me with painted toes. She's found wigs, that my wife doesn't wear. I'm sure she going to catch on to the two different sizes of shoes. And I can't imagine how I'd respond to questions about breast forms. (They are kept well out of reach).

Yesterday, from the laundry, I gave my daughter a pair of girly flannel PJ bottoms, that my wife had bought for me. They were far too small. My wife is a larger size than me, so my daughter says "these were mommy's?" I just went along. Later I walked in on tooth brushing time, daughter in my PJ's, and mom explaining that these were daddy's. "Isn't ok for daddies to wear these?". Then later she's asking, "Did these come from the girl's store or the boy's store?" We have always been so strong on being truthful and honest and now we are getting caught lying avoiding the truth.

I have always believed that I would shelter my family from my issues, but now I'm wondering if this is possible. I think we will seek some counselling to try to come to a resolution.

Thanks to all, including those with opposing opinions!

Tori.

[tori-e]

Just an update for anyone who's interested...

So my wife and I have been agonizing for weeks. We knew we had to tell our daughter (10) about me. We researched. We read books. We asked others, etc... We felt the time was right. We were armed with pictures and diagrams. We call her to our room, seat her, carefully explain the situation. She listens, but after about a couple of minutes, she looking bored. We ask her if she wants to talk more, she just says that it's boring and wants to continue playing. So that's it??? I'm sure there will be more to come, but at least we have started to talk.

Tori

[CaptLex]

She listens, but after about a couple of minutes, she looking bored. We ask her if she wants to talk more, she just says that it's boring and wants to continue playing. So that's it??? I'm sure there will be more to come, but at least we have started to talk.

Kids will surprise you all the time. At least you know where you stand with her now - I'll bet that's a relief. Thanks for the update.

[kathy gg]

Tori

Thanks for giving the update. I really hate to respond to threads about children because there are so many factors at play.

The only advice I give to anyone, is not matter what having a UNITED FRONT with hubby and wife both on the same page of acceptance and love is what kids need. What ever the ultimate decision, to tell or not to tell, both parents have to agree on terms and aceptance.

Sounds like any twn yr old, more into their own world.

We are rasing our daughter knowing. I did research it and talked to about 6 different kids and their parents and to me and hubby it was a no-brainer. We want to be open and honest from day one. So far so good...but she is only just over 2 now.

good luck

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Tori

I would say that being TS means you should get professional help in telling them. It can not be the easiest isssue for young children. There are too many pitfalls in doing this yourself.

I think you need someone used to dealing with transgender issues.

Good Luck and I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible.

[Julie Avery]

Just as a footnote to the many helpful replies above, this subject comes up a lot, and I always plug this link (http://www.proudparenting.com/page.cfm?sectionid=77&typeofsite=storydetail&ID=800&storyset=yes) as a way of thinking about the subject. A few paragraphs from the web are no substitute, though, for the real involvement of a professional who is competent in gender issues.

[miss_sarah]

Just as a footnote to the many helpful replies above, this subject comes up a lot, and I always plug this link (http://www.proudparenting.com/page.cfm?sectionid=77&typeofsite=storydetail&ID=800&storyset=yes) as a way of thinking about the subject. A few paragraphs from the web are no substitute, though, for the real involvement of a professional who is competent in gender issues.


I had seen excerpts of that article posted and reposted on various boards (particularly the last paragraph or two) but never had the pleasure of reading the article in its entirety. Thanks for posting the link! It'll definately go into my bookmarked arsenal of knowledge :D :HUGS FOR JULIE: