AlyssaJ
03-29-2017, 10:43 AM
So for the first time in my life, I have photos of myself, my real self. Photos in which I look like a woman. As you notice, I've now set my profile picture to be one of my favorites of those photos. Since changing my profile picture however, I've noticed a really interesting feeling when I log into the forum and see that photo on one of my posts. It's like for the first time in my life, I'm actually seeing the image that I've always held in my head of what I look like.
Now through years of denial and repression, I'll admit I never really looked in the mirror and had a strong conscious feeling of "that's not me" when I saw my reflection. I guess I had just come to accept that the reflection was me even if it wasn't what I saw in my own head. I was never really able to put my finger on how it was different from what I saw in my head, I just knew I expected to see something else. What I'm now realizing is that there was always this disconnect and I never actually had the experience of my mirror reflection matching my mental image of me. That's all changed now.
So for the first time in my life, my physical image and my mental image of myself actually are congruent. It's so amazing to log into this forum now, see that picture and not be surprised or disappointed by it. Rather I simply recognize it as me and don't have to tell myself that it's me. That simple connection of my image to my identity makes me feel really different inside. It's a good feeling but one I can't really put my finger on. It's not excitement of "Oh hey I finally look like a woman" or anything, it's just simple matter-of-fact reality, probably the absence of anxiety or confusion that I previously experienced seeing a male image.
This is pretty cool.
Now through years of denial and repression, I'll admit I never really looked in the mirror and had a strong conscious feeling of "that's not me" when I saw my reflection. I guess I had just come to accept that the reflection was me even if it wasn't what I saw in my own head. I was never really able to put my finger on how it was different from what I saw in my head, I just knew I expected to see something else. What I'm now realizing is that there was always this disconnect and I never actually had the experience of my mirror reflection matching my mental image of me. That's all changed now.
So for the first time in my life, my physical image and my mental image of myself actually are congruent. It's so amazing to log into this forum now, see that picture and not be surprised or disappointed by it. Rather I simply recognize it as me and don't have to tell myself that it's me. That simple connection of my image to my identity makes me feel really different inside. It's a good feeling but one I can't really put my finger on. It's not excitement of "Oh hey I finally look like a woman" or anything, it's just simple matter-of-fact reality, probably the absence of anxiety or confusion that I previously experienced seeing a male image.
This is pretty cool.