Dose Cross-Dressing get us what we want?

[Judy-Somthing]

I love to dress up like a woman and always have since about 5.

Like a lot of us CDers I ask why do I like it so much?

I think at least for me it's that when I see a woman that I'm attracted to I would love to be with her.
And in reality even if your dating or married to a woman what you get is all in her control, not yours.

When your dressed it's all in in your control.

My wife doesn't let me control her at all, no lingerie no dresses. OK it's her life!

What about my life, she can do what she wants but I can't.

Now that I've been open to her and told her everything she hasn't spoken to me in 12 days.

Boy they know how to keep control. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[Connie.Marie]

Judy,

12 days without a word !! Ouch!

Hugs, Connie Marie

[Scarlett398]

Hi Judy...I guess I'm really lucky I only got the silent treatment for less than a day. Now I didn't go into huge detail and we didn't have "The Talk". She came home two hours early from work and the only option I had was to meet her at the door leading in from the garage as Scarlett. Before that, about a year ago she found photos of Scarlett on our computer that I thought I had erased long before they were discovered.
Now it didn't lead to discussion of a separation or divorce and we went on our weekly date night the night after and things couldn't have gone better. I do get what I need from her in the bedroom. She or I pick out the long sleeved stretch lace sexy top she'll wear to bed with a matching thong. I wear a pair of black boy shorts that are actually for girls but I wear them everyday and she knows that and has no problem with that at all. And then I'll have a clingy fitting long sleeved soft top to match the boy shorts. I light two Yankee candles and the fireworks happen from there. So things are and have been really good. But Judy, I don't think I will ever be able to share all of the details of my cross dressing but we'll see. I know my limits and stick to them.
But I have been doing it almost as long as you have. I started when I was 9 or 10 years old. Thanks for sharing your details.
Sincerely Scarlett..:hugs:

[Suzie Petersen]

Judy,

I know your wife feel you brought this on yourself, but what she is doing is actually a form of psychological abuse.
A day or two being upset and not talking is OK, but when it gets into weeks like this, that's really not reasonable.

- Suzie

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Judy,
I don't know you, I don't know your wife...
But I do know that you need to talk to one another.
It sounds like it's going to be on you to start the conversation.
Simply ask her, "why aren't you talking to me?"
You think you know why, but there's probably more she
needs to share with you, and until you coax it out of her mouth,
you're never going to know exactly what she's thinking.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Teresa]

Judy,
So much of this sounds familiar, I admit my wife hasn't kept it up for twelve days but what I hate it getting into a tit for tat situation . She speaks enough to suggest my list of jobs hasn't changed but in those periods of silence I down tools . She knows I dress , she knows I shop, and she now knows it's geared up to go out socially and I'm certainly not giving that up now.
OK it may not be all down to our CDing, on occasions when I've pushed it as Kristyn suggests she'll tell me in no uncertain terms that it's not all about me !

I know I've suggested this before but getting to the stage when you go out socially can make a huge difference , I do believe she is showing some respect and more acceptance now, she didn't think my dressing needs were as deep as they are she has said that I must have some courage to go out dressed and meet others in a hotel. It also gives a genuine reason to have the right clothes , underwear , makeup , wigs and all our accessories to achieve an acceptable appearance .

The paragraph on being attracted to the woman you become sounds like traits of AGP to me, I know I have GD and AGP it explains so much to me, but others don't see it like that. Whatever drives your CDing isn't going away, even if you purge everything, the sooner your wife accepts these basic facts the sooner she will come to terms with it.

This is why I find it an insult to my wife and family to call it a hobby as some do , it causes too much pain and anguish besides hobbies can be taken up and dropped as you please , my Cding started at the age of 8-9 and has been with me 24/7 eversince, no ebb and flow as some describe.

[Shayna]

Depends on what you want

[Tania75]

I know quite a few couples who have married, but are now separated, and the common theme from the ladies is "He is no longer the man that I fell in love with and married".
Of course this can mean many things, including turning into a couch potato just wanting to watch sport on television, continually spending money they don't have, although being unfaithful is not often mentioned, but I just wonder how many men have entered a relationship and told their partner straight up that they like to crossdress, or have entered a relationship with the intention of telling their partner about their crossdressing at a later date and expected their partner to just accept that and move on.
Without taking sides, and I myself am very hetrosexual, but a part time crossdresser, however I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves about what our partner wants in a relationship and respect her wishes if we want to have a harmonious and long lasting relationship.

[Beverley Sims]

I am taking a light hearted stance here.......

Curiosity will get the better of her if you stay quiet as well. :-)

No don't let it degenerate into a spiteful fight though.

[alwayshave]

Judy, my ex-wife was big on the silent treatment. After a couple of days I'd make the passive aggressive comment "The past two days have been the most quiet and peaceful days this house has ever had, without the constant inane babble." Next statement was "I don't babble" and then she'd start to babble. However, your mileage may vary with this approach.

[XemmaX]

Sounds like you two need to have open sit down and talk about this. Communication is vital to a healthy relationship.

[CarlaWestin]

I think at least for me it's that when I see a woman that I'm attracted to I would love to be with her.
And in reality even if you're dating or married to a woman what you get is all in her control, not yours.

In response to the first part of your post, this was the basis for my venturing into becoming the (buxom) girl of my dreams. As far as control, you'd be amazed at the self imposed predicaments Carla has been in.

On to the no-talkie wife thing. Hopefully, there's a resolve and a middle ground. Sounds like she wants to control you to be the man she wants.

Double standard??

[Stacy Darling]

Nasty situation Judy.

This is, as described by Suzie, Psychological Abuse!

I myself am there now and have been advised to try and ride it through this time, and to not lose it as I did last time!

"Shall happily try to do that!"

Good luck with this!

[Vicky_Scot]

Hi Judy

Really pisses me off (sorry to be blunt) when partners/spouses think they can tell you what you can and can not do, but hell mend you if you dare try and tell them what they can do.

you are a grown adult and relationships are about compromise on both sides. Seems it only coming one way in your relationship.

Enjoy the peace and quiet....lol

[deebra]

Judy like a lot of us we are sexually attracted to a curvy attractive female but with CDs we are also attracted to the sexuality she projects with the sexy clothes and image she and the clothes project. We can't turn into her like we would like but wearing her clothes makes us feel sexy and like being her. Make Sence ????

As far as your wife and her giving you the silent treatment that goes on and on, sounds like you are married to my ex wife. I was her third and she is having trouble in her fifth marriage. The longer it went the more she felt she couldn't give in. It was her way to PUNISH and CONTROL me because I did something she didn't like and she had to be the Alfa/Dominate one. During this time she slept so close to her side of the bed it's a wonder she didn't fall out of it. When you look back at the last year and she has done this so much you really don't have much of a marriage, you are both unhappy and then Divorce. People like your wife and my ex are very insecure and use whatever to control the people they come in contact with and usually don't/won't change. It's best to cut your losses and cut them loose and go find a sane individual. Hard but it needs to be done. Next you find someone that's as not screwed up as her, has a normal brain, accepting and you have a happy, mentally healthy relationship.

[ginapoodle]

Judy,

My heart goes out to you, really. My wife is also very controlling. Her method is to use loud anger and sometimes tears. The tears I just cannot take.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Judy i came out to my wife of then 27 years 6 years ago.
She was devastated and irate(who could blame her?)
She would not come home for at least 2 hours after work and all the conversations we had were small talk and short.
Her original online investigations uncovered CD's showing off their private parts and soliciting sex with other CD's.
It looked like divorce was imminent.
Thankfully she further researched the subject(and thankfully joined this forum) and found that many couples with a
CD spouse stayed together and made the marriage work with some rules and guidelines.
I do hope your wife can become open minded about your crossdressing?
the only downside in our marriage is our sex life is over , we are still best friends but my wife doesn't see me as quite
the man i was before Giselle appeared.
anyways my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[BettyMorgan]

My wife doesn't let me control her at all, no lingerie no dresses. OK it's her life!

What about my life, she can do what she wants but I can't.

...

Boy they know how to keep control. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

When you say "they" I assume you mean some women. Im sorry your wife is controlling, but not all women are like that.

Consider this ... We teach people how to treat us.

I can only speak to my experience- it takes conversions and creating boundaries and limits. My SO let's me wear what I want but asks every now and then to wear drab. I do this for her and I don't feel offended by her request. On the other hand, if I want her to wear a dress and stockings for any reason, she will, even when we go out in our freezing cold Canadian winter. It's not a control thing but a give and take that we've worked on together. I know I'm one of the lucky few.

[NancySue]

So sorry to read of your situation. 12 days of silence, and counting, isn't good. Unreasonable control and blackmail are obstacles that can only be compromised by honest, rational discussion. Fearing this potential situation is why I told my wife, before marriage...best thing I ever did. I, too, started around 6. We did a lot of reading and talking. The only conclusion we came up with was...no conclusion..no answers as to "why". CDing is here and will rarely, if ever, go away. I wish you well and hope you can resolve your issues.

[MarisaRose.]

Judy,
I'm truly sorry to hear about your current situation, it is a difficult time for the both of you. Every relationship is unique, and her response is not at all uncommon, But I also believe that communication is crucial to be able to move forward. Trying to start some type of dialogue maybe what's needed, it doesn't have to be about your dressing, just getting back to a place where your speaking to each other is a good place to start. Counseling is a path to explore together, It takes time, sometimes a lot of time for her to process all that she has just learned about you. You may feel like her punching bag at times, but this is quite a revelation for her. I wish you both all the best moving forward. One day at a time, sometimes 5 minutes may be more like it.

Marisa

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone.
Just about every one on this site said is when she asks tell her the whole truth.
I did answer all her questions. At that point she said I ruined her life.

Well today she left me a note telling me some house chores she wanted me to do and the part I felt good about is that she used my name and not some snide remark.

[Jodi]

Judy, Believe it's time to get yourself a good lawyer. I'm sure that in 12 days she has one.

jodi

[sometimes_miss]

I feel normal when dressed as a girl, and that's all I want, to get rid of this nagging feeling that I'm in the wrong clothes. So yes, I get what I want by crossdressing.

[JeanTG]

I'm in the same boat with respect to my wife, except that she's known since before marriage. It's unfortunate; I try to do what I can to minimize her exposure to this side of me but she still hates it and makes it more than abundantly clear (12 days of silent treatment? Small potatoes! My record is 5 years...)

As for dressing getting me what I want, I'd have to say no. Crossdressing doesn't take away the underlying dysphoria. But it makes it much easier to live with, just as medication can help someone with clinical depression or bipolar disorder. It doesn't cure the disorder, but it makes their condition tolerable. And just like when you cut the medication of people with disorders all heck breaks loose, cutting off my "medicine" of crossdressing does not result in a pretty picture. I can support my level of dysphoria almost indefinitely if I'm allowed a reasonable outlet for my femininity. But without such an outlet, I am simply miserable.

[ClosetED]

You did not ruin her life. You provided love and assistance and financial support. You ruined her fantasy world.
She had this fantasy of a macho man who also magically also happened to have sensitive, caring side and understood her, but did not realize where that came from.
You have control over yourself and she has control over herself. You love her so you let her desires influence you. If you didn't care about her at all, then she has zero control over your actions. A divorce lawyer may have a say over each of your possessions, but that is different.
I got moved into the basement for several months. And she did pay $500 in cash for a lawyer consult. But we are still married and she is more accepting now, so slow and steady worked for me - your mileage may vary
Hugs, Ellen

[Lux]

You deserve to be treated better. Period. It breaks my heart to read your recent posts.

I would try everything in my power to get her into couple's counseling. If she refuses, I would calmly tell her; "Since you refuse to deal with this, I think we should take a time out for a week. It may be good to have some time apart". I would then use that time to 1) dress as much as you want 2) let her realize how much she needs you or 2) how happier she is without you. Either way as difficult as the road will be, you can move on with your life. With her or without her.

Please know that this is what I would do. Everyone's situation is different and mileage may vary as Ellen just said.

[Judy-Somthing]

When I got up this morning and saw she did my laundry and folded everything as usual.
I thought this was a good sign but was I wrong.

This morning she told me I was a freak and she wanted nothing do do with me anymore.

She said;
I better behave or she'll out me to everyone and says my son will loose respect for me.
Will be selling the house and going our own separate ways by the end of the summer.
A man wanting to wear woman's clothes is not normal.

One thing that confuses me is that two months ago she found my 4" heels and didn't seem to take it that bad.
And two weeks later I was playing my guitar and she hugged me and said I love you.
Now she says seeing the hair brush and clip I left out was to much for her to envision me dressed up like grandma.

Some say I'm getting what I deserve.

Life is interesting!

[Susan Smith]

Judy, my first wife could do the day after day not talking trick and it was soul destroying. My wife now (22 years and counting) can't do the silent treatment for more than about 20 mins, which doesn't mean I'm not in the wrong sometimes, it just makes it easier to talk things through. I hate to be blunt, but either your wife needs to talk to you or you need a different wife. Life's too short for the silent treatment. Susan

[docrobbysherry]

Sometime we're the hammer, sometimes the nail. Unless u wish to live as a nail u need to get your SO into counseling and work out a compromise. As I did with my ex.:straightface:

Our counselor first went over my issues. I had been sucking up abuse from my ex for years. When I finally let it out? She couldn't handle me standing up for myself and we were done! U sound in a similar situation, Judy. So, your only options may be, "nail", or separation. Sorry!:sad:

[Teresa]

Judy,
I have been in this situation, my wife's fear was how would our son react if he found out, through my counselling I bit the bullet and told him and he was fine about it. We had an in depth conversation, the only question he's posed recently is there something I'm not telling them when I stopped over at Carole's home. The only person that isn't too happy about the situation is my wife, my daughter defends me and they do have heated discussions . I have grasped the nettle and told people and shown my pictures, the more that happens the less the threat is of shaming you, what do you really have to be ashamed about ? This is part of the problem being buried in the closet, while you still do it you are admitting you are ashamed and feel guilty about it. I do feel you have been obsessive about buying clothes, but I urge you not to purge them, it's trying to satisfy her and it's gone beyond that now, and you are going to do more harm to yourself, because it's a loss you may not be able to handle at the moment.

The comment about looking like grandma is like all the other comments we get , it's their way of dealing with it , it's partly wishful thinking and partly hurtful putdowns. I would be very hurt being called a freak , I would go back at my wife for suggesting that.

I would suggest you take her up on talking about a separation , I found that is when the sensible talking starts and true values are put on the table , she realised how much she was going to miss my input, and we both realised how much we were going to hurt other people.

This conversation came up again only yesterday, she wants to down size and release some money to invest in rented property for an income and I want to own a cottage again possibly on the coast as a means of getting away. I am going to admit the first time all this came up I wanted it to happen now the subject has arisen again those feeling have returned. Lorileah's words do ring my ears, you don't know what you've lost until it happens, but we were only talking about separation but again I think it's a way of still controlling me and possibly deter me from finding a new partner.

No you don't deserve what you are receiving , none of us do, we are still good husbands, fathers and to me a grandfather, nothing has changed that and we are still capable of filling those roles if we have a partner who will let us .

[laura.lapinski]

My wife knows nothing of my CD, and I don't really dress. The only thing I do is check in with this site. But, she can still be psychologically abusive when we get into fights, and go into that silent treatment. She hardly ever does it anymore. And, I've learned to call her on her coercive behavior, and manipulative ways. It's more like making each other more self-aware of what we are doing, and communicate our feelings and motivations of our behavior in real-time instead of letting it build. This has made life overall much better. I won't put up with manipulation and whining. If it comes to it, I'd rather live by myself, and put up the BS. All that said, I am also aware of my own participation in this tango, so I'm very introspective and I try to be fair. I talk about my own short-comings with her and apologize when I'm in the wrong (and I often am). We as people all have our own tender spots and certain things trigger those ancient injuries in us. The best thing we can do is be aware of ourselves and our vulnerabilities, and understand we will feel hurt from time to time that has its roots in how we were raised. Then, we can communicate those things to our spouse at the right times.

I do understand how wives can feel deeply deceived and not know what to do with facts that the man she married likes to dress and be womanly. It's probably equivalent to the feelings they would have if they found out you had an emotional and sexual relation with another woman. These are very sensitive areas. Good luck to you Judy. I hope you find a more tranquil life as soon as possible, whether that means your marriage continues, or not.

[TrishaTX]

When I was growing up I heard..

Women want a man that is sensitive, that is a good earner, that can hold them, understand them, relate...true to the marriage , and honest. Through better or worse, until death yada yada yada...I have seen some examples but to be honest the power has shifted in the last few decades from man control to women. It should be 50/50. I find it sad, it would be nice that no matter what people stayed together, worked hard at their marriage and lived Happy ever after...maybe I am a hopeless romantic but I find it sad...

[Dana44]

indeed Judy, Ask her and talk with her, Communication is the most important thing between couples. She should respond and if she doesn't respond she does not want to be in the relationship. It iis not about control. And if you cannot communicate with her and let your feelings known. Then it is over and big time over. Some people need processing time though.

So talk with her.

[gina shiney]

Judy like many others here am sorry, upset and emotional over reading your later posts.
Your early contributions to the forum were one of the triggers to signing up. To read of the emotional turmoil of the reality for some that are honest in their being is truly distressfull. Whether your marriage is truly over or not remains to play out "you better behave or not", could apply to the end or conditions that you can't forefill, either way protect yourself from the impending financial and legal storm. As of now document all conversations either via journal or recording. Prepare to be outed, separate all cards from your responsibility (no more joint accounts). Existing loans, lines of credit dual signature only, lawyers to be appraised. DO NOT lose your cool never threaten, remove all sentimental items and securely store elsewhere. While the comments might of been to make you toe her line be aware very rarely do males in our position come off equally in settlement situations. IF it is the end REMOVE all EMOTIONS from the task become extremely analytical and cold(not hard)
Don't give in to unfair divisions.
Once again very upset when this happens please don't be a poor victim
gina shiney

[Fiona123]

I am transgender. In a perfect world I would transition without any personal or career issues. Does crossdressing get me what I want? No. It does help though.

[Swottie]

These days men are still expected to "man up", hold in feelings, be macho, earn bucket loads of money and be handy around the house, basically all the usual stereotype from 50 years ago. Yet women are no longer always expected to do old fashion women stuff, which is great for women, but all very biased, unfair, sexist. It always gets on my nerve to hear "he's no longer the man I married" just because of a few pieces of fabric.

[jennifer0918]

Give her time,12 days is not enough.
I'm just saying ,what do I know ?

[Staci]

Judy, I feel for you and am praying for you. This is a very difficult time as you and your wife are wrestling with some very significant emotions. Trying to figure this out and wishing you didn't have to deal with it. As you well know there is not a choice here. This needs to be worked through. I know it can seem like you will never get to the other side of this but you will. There is no problem that you don't eventually get to the other side of. As you work through this think about other very significant issues you have had and worked through in both your work and personal life. Think about those where you ended up in a better place than you started. Trust that you will get there. i agree with what many have said here. Don't get emotional. Stay calm. Go forward.

[Genni]

I don't post often, but I read the vast majority of what goes up here. There is a lot of wisdom on these forums. Your posts, Judy, are always among the most intelligent and balanced. I wish I could offer sage advice. The best I have is simply that your happiness matters.

Best of luck to you, come what may.
Genni

[Janine cd]

Teresa, I agree with you. There is no choice in being a CD. You have to accept that fact and live with the consequences.

[Devi SM]

What everybody get dressing is personal. I mean is dufferent. I do. I'm so happy when I do it.
But what calls my attention in your post Judy, Is the 12 days of silence.
I'd like to know an update, did she finally talk to you, what happened?
About that, I understand silence. Women thinks so much things, especially when you husband tells you he's crossdresser, What is that? you're gay? bisexual?
My wife was crying and upset for three days but in those three daya I always tried to explain myself.
Misunderstandings are huge destroyers of relationships, so it's been a year and I keep trying to understand and make her understand a little bit more. it silence is abuse.
If she insist I don't see reason. to be married with someone that ignores you.
For me Vanessa is real and I can't bury her, she will be buried when I be buried and for sure she will keep existing on people that knows her.

[Kendra Sue]

[QUOTE=Judy-Somthing;4081521]I love to dress up like a woman and always have since about 5.

Like a lot of us CDers I ask why do I like it so much?

I think at least for me it's that when I see a woman that I'm attracted to I would love to be with her.
And in reality even if your dating or married to a woman what you get is all in her control, not yours.

When your dressed it's all in in your control.

My wife doesn't let me control her at all, no lingerie no dresses. OK it's her life!

What about my life, she can do what she wants but I can't.

Now that I've been open to her and told her everything she hasn't spoken to me in 12 days.

My wife has known for years that I love women's
clothes
The only time it is brought up is when she really gets mad at me. Women are a different breed. Sometimes in my opinion they can get mad for the silliest things. I have been dressing in secret for many years. I wish she would allow it. I have come to the conclusion that cd is just a part of me.I see no real harm. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or chase women. Dressing is just an outlet that makes me feel good and helps me relax

[Judy-Somthing]

Well now four weeks later she talking to me and things seem almost normal.
At this point we're living like room mates.
Dressing is on hold, for how long is unknown.

She said she could imagine what I look like dressed and how could I possibly enjoy seeing myself in the mirror.

For a second I thought of showing her a photo but then thought it might be a bad idea.

They say time heals all wounds, I'm hoping.

[Teresa]

Judy,
I showed my old avatar picture once sometime ago , no it wasn't a good idea !

The comment about seeing yourself in the mirror suggest she still hasn't grasped what the dressing really means to you. Most women check themselves out in the mirror we are bound to do the same dressed . If you're going out it would be stupid not to, something basic like the back of your skirt accidentally tucked inside your knickers , maybe a hemline that's come down or showing a slip .

I hate to say this but you still have so much to reveal before you come to terms with it, silence and not dressing may work for a while but it's only papering over the cracks . You are only waiting for things to calm down before attempting to be Judy again, I can assure you it doesn't get any easier with age .

Time doesn't totally heal, she is hoping she has got her own way and the threats she made have put an end to it . Judy please be honest with yourself and accept you have a need that has to be satisfied, it isn't going away even if you have purged every last stitch . My dressing need is 24/7 so I'm passed by thinking it's ever going to stop .

[MarisaRose.]

Judy,
Now's as good as time as any to consider counseling. It will give both of you a chance to discuss what your feeling, it's not easy but it can be helpful. Look for someone who specializes in gender counseling, it will definitely help get the basics out there for both of you. Just my 2 cents.

M...

[Lacey CD]

I second what MarisaRose said. Counseling right now is a very good idea. If possible, find someone that is an LCMFT(Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist). They have specialized "family systems" training that other licenses don't require. Going by your wife's behavior, this goes so much deeper than crossdressing. From the extremely limited amount of information you've shared here, it's impossible to ascertain what the real situation is in your home. And nor should this forum be the place to share such details. You have a serious situation that I feel would greatly benefit from qualified professional help.

[Bobbi46]

I disagree with counselling in a way at least yes go down that route in the end, but first you must have an open and frank talk with your wife, explain what it all means to you, why you do it. I discovered from a Doctor friend of mine that being CD or anything else within the LGBT spectrum is NOT down to choosing it is down genetics when we were first conceived and how we turn out depends of the gradation of the genetics.
So dressing will never leave you but I repeat you must talk with your wife, living in silence will in a way only lead down that road that not everybody wants. There has to be a way out for this situation. My thoughts are with you in this time.

[Judy-Somthing]

I think she's realizing that nothing has really changed.
She went out of her way this morning to say "see you latter, honey" before she left for work.

Why do I CD? It's FUN! plane and simple.

[Jane G]

Coming out to your wife, when you have a long term relation ship already, is always going to be hard. My wife and I had been together for several years when my wife finally realised I was a CD and we discussed it properly. They were difficult times. We agreed to go to counselling together etc. Any way we are still together 30+ years later and enjoying life.

It is fun that's for sure, just try not to be too selfish. My wife appreciates the things we enjoy together and the stability our relation ship brings. She therefore accepts my dressing, but I now understand, will never understand why I dress. Good Luck.