there's no pot of gold

[Maria 60]

Everyone who knows me here knows I complain a lot about not getting much Maria time. As the kids got older and they got part time jobs there was always one free day on the weekend. Now with the kids quitting there part time jobs because of either full time work or overwhelmed school work my time has minamized to once a week for a few hours. Always trying to be optimistic I believe things will get easier and maybe more time. This week I had no time at all and noticed my son was home a lot, this morning I asked him if something happened between him and his girlfriend. He told me they split up for now and all I'm thinking is the only time I had to dress is when he goes to his girlfriends and the others are preoccupied. All this has to aline, I guess my dress time has to be minamized even more now, I'm leaving for work and looking in the mirror and seeing that the sands of time are taking there toll and I'm not getting younger.
I start driving off and I see a friend a few doors down who took a early retirement, but for some reason he has his lunch box and it looks like he's going to work. I ask him what's going on, he said he's going back to work because his kids took advantage of him being home, to go pick up the grandkids from school, or open the door to there houses to let workers in and he had a schedule everyday. The last draw was when he got a call from the school that one of his grandkids wasn't feeling well and to go pick him up. He was told his number was on the emergency call list and said he wanted to help his kids and couldn't say no to them and the three months he was home he had no time to himself, and called his boss and decided it was better to go back to work.
I was already discrumpeled about my son breaking up with his girlfriend, and now hearing this from my friend my only thought was there really is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
I know I could go for a drive or motel, but all I'm asking for is a few hours in the comfort of my own home, wanting to keep it in the closet isn't making things easier but it's what I want.
I'm writing this staring at a dresser full of Maria's stuff and I can't touch it and don't know when I will. With all the day's events I know there are much more worst things in life, but I'm thinking life would be so much easier if I just pack it up.
Maybe I thought things were eventually going to get easier, but now I'm second guessing the future of Maria and not seeing no pot of gold.
Sorry had to vent, thanks for listening and I know I'm not alone.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Have you thought about the tried and true "day at a spa" by this i mean a hotel room for a day and night ? Or planning an evening with other girls ?

Sometimes there is nopot of gold , just nuggets here and there.

[DIANEF]

You're certainly not alone Maria. My son recently split with his girlfriend and came to stay with me. I feared the worst but they made it up, talk about relieved as I'd have no time at all with him at home. Then my wife had one of her 'weekend' illnesses, which have ruined my plans for this Friday and Saturday (amazing how often she's ill when I have dress day planned .....). Last weekend my other son changed his shift and I lost some me time there. I could never pack it up, but sometimes the frustration is hard to bear, and it's not as if you can tell anyone about it.(apart from on the forum)

[IleneD]

Maria, dear.

I empathize so much with your plight and frustration.
I too have gone without dressing up for , well.... a long, long time; since mid January. A lot of it my own doing because of increased activities and tastings. Much like you I offered my "free" time to others, and they've fairly used it.
I grabbed an afternoon a couple weeks ago when The Wife went out for an afternoon shopping trip alone. She knows but doesn't like seeing "the full splendor" (makeup, wig, etc.) Just the few hours was tranquilizer for my soul. After that I spent a couple nights (sans makeup, wig, foundations, etc), in my favorite dress and another in leggings and a nice (women's) top I often wear.
Then, over the weekend, we were painting the spare room and The Wife saw my red dress hanging in the closet with other items of my lady wardrobe. She remarked that she'd like to see that dress on me sometime. We were covered in paint mess at the time, but a few days later I put it on for her, with my heels and then The Wig. She's not seen the wig on me, or me being in full Ilene glory. This was a kind of a breakthrough.

But GOOD LORD.... it felt great to be in a dress again. I just need to find the time and do it
What I really need is a few days to dress up and GO OUT.
274928

Yes... the S.O. saw it (all) for the first time.

[Pat]

I have complete sympathy for you and everyone in your position. But apparently you feel that a joyless life and bleak future is better than whatever would happen if you came out. It's very sad.

[Suzie Petersen]

... his kids took advantage of him being home, to go pick up the grandkids from school, or open the door to there houses to let workers in and he had a schedule everyday. The last draw was when he got a call from the school that one of his grandkids wasn't feeling well and to go pick him up. He was told his number was on the emergency call list

You know ... to some, that _IS_ the "Pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow"!

- Suzie

[jennifer0918]

For me home is where I hang my hat,so even for the few hours as Jennifer, my motel room is my home.This is my journey and I'm still a work in progress. I still haven't came out to my SO,but I'm so sure the Jenn will be a part me and I will never let her.Good luck Maria and cheer up things sometimes have a funny way of working out be patient.

[Jane G]

Know what you mean. There are times when weeks of planning ahead are thwarted by one of the kids. Thing is we love em to biits but it's always going to be one way traffic wrt taking for granted your parents. Just got to give them a big hug and move your personal plans right a little. Till the next time ladies.

- - - Updated - - -


I have complete sympathy for you and everyone in your position. But apparently you feel that a joyless life and bleak future is better than whatever would happen if you came out. It's very sad.

We are not all the same Jennie. My life is truely full of joy. A huge part of that is a result of a long trusting marriage and a close family group. CD is part of me that I can not fully share. That does hurt at times but there is so much more to life than just me.

[Maria 60]

Susie I want to defend my friend, of coarse when we write a post I don't want to get so indept. My friend wasn't complaining about his grandkids or helping his kids, he was complaining because he is not selfish, he retired to do somethings for himself and didn't mind if he was expected to do things a few times a week and have a few days to do his own things. He was upset because his daughter made him the main emergency pick up at school without asking him first. He didn't think they were going to put so much on his plate. I wanted to clear this up, because he is a great father and a proud grandfather, but he wanted sometime to himself and I find that fair.
Even myself I did say there are worse things in life, but just like the rest of us we have dreams and when we see they are not going to plan, it upsets us.

[Lacey New]

Maria,
I can empathize with you. sometimes it is months before I get to really dress up and often, it is just wearing panties for a few hours. On the bright side though, when I do get those day to myself, it is wonderful. I plan ahead, save some cash and look forward to dressing and a few days in the pink fog shopping. Sometimes it is the cross that a closeted CD must bear.

[Samm]

Lately, my one time to dress has become (most) Sunday evenings. I'm too exhausted during the week to go all out. Our house seems to be the laundry capital of the world. So I wait until the step kids vacate before I get pretty. This past Sunday, by the time I showered and dressed including makeup, I ended up with an hour. It felt like 5 minutes.

[kimdl93]

Lots of people fantasize about all the things that they will do after retirement...me time. The the time comes and they find out that they don't like golf all that much, you can only go fishing so often, and so on. Many people opt to continue working or start new careers simply because retirement wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

As for the sense that the sands of time are slipping away - they are. You have just so many mornings left. I have fewer, most likely. Make the most of them...and don't wait to become yourself. Be now....whatever that may be.

Final suggestion-get the book entitled "Redirect". Often we can change our feelings about a situation by simply re-writing our personal narrative. Life can change from drudgery to a reward by just a few substitutions in your thought process. Good luck!

[GretchenM]

Thanks, Kim. Very wise advice for sure. Retirement can be very boring, but usually it is so because the person made it so. Same with dressing. I don't think forcing something on yourself is a good idea. In my experience, you cannot force yourself to be someone you are not. Let it flow naturally. It is rough when you have a need and it can't be satisfied. Last night I got hammered hard with feelings and even felt some resentment that my wife of 48 years was home and I had to just muddle through. First time I have felt that in months. But there is more to life than expressing a feminine sense. So, I just picked up a knitting project and went to work and that seemed to settle things down. Knitting is not a womanly activity, but I associate it with that and thus for me it can satisfy needs to express when dressing time is not available. As Kim said, change the narrative, even temporarily, and life can still be good and satisfying. And that works for being the real you and for adapting to other needs.

For me, the true state of who I am is a blended identity with occasional shifts deep into the feminine side of the spectrum. But forcing the feminine just because I have time to do so rarely ends well. So I wait for those times when the need and the time and situation is compatible. In the mean time I sublimate (channel the energy in a different direction) or substitute - knit, make cookies, or whatever else I personally associate with feminine. Works for me. Of course, you may be different. But I think it is important to not be selfish in satisfying our needs as that will do little to endear those we most wish to endear and accept us. Besides, to me, that is not what women normally do. Some do, but, in my experience, most do not. They adapt; they change the narrative to serve the most needs and at the same time satisfy their own needs.

Gretchen

[Debra Russell]

Business, kids, grandkids, (all grown) cancelled appointments; taking on others responsibilities , odd schedules - too many in the house ect.ect.ect. I am 71 and see time passing by and age taking its toll: I know all the alternatives to getting "me" time - but really for the most part it's not happening .......... :sad: just take advantage of the rare time you get .........................................Debra

[Suzie Petersen]

Mahia,


Susie I want to defend my friend, of coarse when we write a post I don't want to get so indept. My friend wasn't complaining about his grandkids or helping his kids, he was complaining because he is not selfish, he retired to do somethings for himself and didn't mind if he was expected to do things a few times a week and have a few days to do his own things. He was upset because his daughter made him the main emergency pick up at school without asking him first. He didn't think they were going to put so much on his plate. I wanted to clear this up, because he is a great father and a proud grandfather, but he wanted sometime to himself and I find that fair.
Even myself I did say there are worse things in life, but just like the rest of us we have dreams and when we see they are not going to plan, it upsets us.

I can understand your friend was upset about that, but his reaction of going back to work because of it just seems a little much. I would think that even with helping with the grandkids and letting contractors in now and then, there would probably be some time for himself anyway, and going back to work probably doesnt help give him more time, it just gives him an excuse for saying No to help his kids.

For whatever reason, his daughter thought it was OK to sign him up as the primary emergency contact. Either she though he was fine with it, or she was brought up with a feeling that it is acceptable to take advantage of others. Maybe he should just talk to her about that!

Anyway, it just struck me as a strange reaction. As I said, to me, and hopefully most others, having the opportunity to help with grandkids would be a true blessing.

In fact, he is blessed to even have a daughter he can help. My daughter is dead.

- Suzie

[Maria 60]

I'm sorry about your daughter Suzie. That's the problem when you complain about something, you know somebody has it worse or a more difficult situation that makes yours look like nothing.
I complain that all I'm asking for is a few hours to myself, I don't think I'm being selfish, and then someone tells me how lucky I am that I have an excepting wife.
I then hear someone else complain about something and I feel they are lucky. Life is not perfect and when I do my venting it's emotions and frustrating and we get caught up in the game.
When I look back at my youth I never remember being home all the time on the weekends, Friday nights at the strip bar, and Saturday night with my girlfriend now wife at a bar or club and Sunday just getting together with friends.
I believe I thought my kids would have done the same and would have given me a little Maria time, instead my kids are home all the time, I ask them why they don't want to do anything except just lay around the house, this can't be healthy.
I joke to my wife that they know about my dressing and they make sure someone's home all the time to make sure I don't do it.
I guess my post was about I believe that the kids are going to eventually do there own things at a curtain age and didn't believe they would be home bodies. I guess I intesapated this and now seeing it's going the opposite way I'm kind of disappointed. I guess I'm going to have to look for a plan"B" alternative. Thanks for everyone's responses.

[Suzie Petersen]

Maria,


That's the problem when you complain about something, you know somebody has it worse or a more difficult situation that makes yours look like nothing.
I complain that all I'm asking for is a few hours to myself, I don't think I'm being selfish, and then someone tells me how lucky I am that I have an excepting wife.
I then hear someone else complain about something and I feel they are lucky. Life is not perfect and when I do my venting it's emotions and frustrating and we get caught up in the game.

That is very true and most of us are probably guilty of that, I certainly am.
I know how frustrating it can be when you think you can have a little time to yourself, and then find out that family plans changed and your time evaporated. Trust me, I have had plenty of such times myself, both with dressing, going fishing or with other things. It comes down to priorities of course, but sometimes we dont get our priorities figured out until it suddenly becomes too late to understand what should have been higher on the list.

I read some of your posts and I do think you are lucky because your wife is accepting and makes room for your Maria side too. Many, including me, have not been that fortunate, but good for you.

However, it was actually entirely your tale of your friend down the road that got to me, not your tribulations.
It just seemed to me that he went about the situation the wrong way.
I get that he had plans for his time in retirement, and now his kids and grandkids end up taking some of his available time away. Tough! But his fix for it is to go back to work which takes all his time away! That just seems like a revenge type of move to me. "There, take that! Now none of us get any pleasure out of my retirement! Ha!".

It is like finding that the kids ate half the jar of ice cream he was looking forward to, and his reaction is to throw out the remaining half. Instead, he could have enjoyed the other half and told them to please dont take his ice cream next time, not without asking at least!

You know, sometimes we humans are miserable only because we make it so ourselves ... and then we whine about it.

- Suzie

[Beverley Sims]

Maria,
Times do change, everyone's situation change from time to time and you will be left alone to dress as you please.

I think you should count your blessings, stay positive and look towards the future where that elusive pot of gold resides.