Problems with SO

[Alystin]

I know I haven't posted a lot here, but everytime I do I always get good advice.

Right now I'm having a bit of a problem with my GF. Every time we start to talk about my gender issues, she gets upset and doesn't wish to add anything to the conversation. She has known about my dressing for the entire 5 yrs we've been together and says that she supports it fully. But I feel like she's just saying that to easy my worries about things. When we do talk about it, it usually ends in a fight and I feel like an a**hole and lower than life. And if I try to go out dressed she usually rolls her eyes and then asks if I'm going to be ok dressed like that (which automatically makes me start to feel uncomfortable). So i usually end up changing back into my drab clothes and feel miserably for the entire outting.

Though i must admit that she's the only one that really knows that I dress. And is the only person I feel comfortable enough to confide in right now.

Any advice or suggestions?!?

Kristen

[Alystin]

Though I must admit that she is understanding when I go shopping for things and has on occasions gone out to buy me feminine things. But a lot of the time I feel as if it is done to quiet me down for complaining about her lack of support.

[Julie Avery]

Maybe she feels that when you go out dressed you're seeking a gratification that doesn't involve her? I'm guessing here, not trying to nail a truth.

[Anita Mae GG]

Could be that she doesn't quite fully understand your NEED to dress and thinks it is a phase or something. Sounds like she is just trying to entertain your "habit" but doesn't realize the full extent of what and why you do what you do.....just a thought

[Leigh Davis]

. . . complaining about her lack of support.

I hope you don't complain. One thing I keep reminding myself, my wife is very supportive and all but in the end it is *my* issue. She would never go out with me dressed. That's the way it is and I accept it.

(BTW we've been married 6 years. She knew before marriage.)

[livy_m_b]

You didn't say exactly what leads to the argument - there could be a clue there. Anyhow, in general, being accepted at all is a gift.

[DonnaT]

Kristen, there are two side to every story, and we are missing quite a bit of her side.

Who starts the arguments?

What is said exactly leading up to the argument?

How exactly are you dressed when she asks if you are going to be ok?

Have you asked her to help you dress when she asks if you are going to be ok dressed like that? First thing I'd say, is "I hope so, but if you think I should change into something else then could you please help me?"

I mean, it sounds like she cares that you are going to be comfortable when dressed and out.

So, are you really having trouble with your GF, or are you having trouble with how you are perceiving things?

[Kimberley]

Maybe your SO needs to get on this site and see how other GG's deal (or don't) with us. I am sure she could learn a lot about herself, you and crossdressing in general. It might be worth suggesting. Just a thought.

Kimberley

[Alystin]

Kimberly, I've suggested she check out the forums but she says she doesn't want to invade on my private spaces.

[Alystin]

I don't exactly know what starts the arguements. But I know that a lot of the time I mention that I want to take things, with my dressing a lot further. And that I need to start seeing someone that specializes in gender issues and it usually escalades from there.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Kimberly, I've suggested she check out the forums but she says she doesn't want to invade on my private spaces.

You might mention to her that there's the GG forum here, if she wants to talk to other SOs. If she's uncomfortable being on the same forum as you, there are a couple other groups that are similar in nature and tone. PM me if you'd like to know more.

As far as wanting to take your "dressing a lot further," I hope you can understand how that might be threatening to her. It's one thing to be in a relationship with a guy who crossdresses at times, it's another to be in one with someone who might no longer be a man when all is said and done. (I realize you may have no intention of transitioning, but she can't see inside your mind.)

When you're going out, it's hard to tell from her words what the tone is behind it. It could be simply an innocent concern that you'll be comfortable, it could be that she's politely telling you that maybe your choice of clothing might be attract unwanted attention. (I haven't seen photos of you, so I don't know what you wear -- but it's worth taking a hard look in the mirror, even if it's to rule that out.) It could be a bit of passive aggression.

As Donna said, without more specifics it's hard to hazard a guess.

But one thing I've found useful is to assume people are trying to be helpful (even if it doesn't look like it). And when people aren't trying to be helpful, the odds are that they're simply oblivious to their actions, rather than being hurtful.

[Patsy Stone GG]

Right now I'm having a bit of a problem with my GF. Every time we start to talk about my gender issues, she gets upset and doesn't wish to add anything to the conversation. She has known about my dressing for the entire 5 yrs we've been together and says that she supports it fully.


OK, obviously I don't know the whole story nor have I read any of your other posts. However, there is a big (nay, HUGE) difference between being in a relationship with a CD (i.e., straight/bisexual male who wears women's clothing) and being in a relationship with someone with "gender issues". I would suggest that clarity in what you mean by "gender issues" and what it means in your relationship would be a good starting point.

[kittypw GG]

Maybe your SO needs to get on this site and see how other GG's deal (or don't) with us. I am sure she could learn a lot about herself, you and crossdressing in general. It might be worth suggesting. Just a thought.

Kimberley

I totally agree. My relationship has improved since my husband and I joined this forum. He doesn't post much and is not a big talker. He is really tight lipped about his feelings and that makes me uncomfortable. He reads what I post and reads the responses and it usually generates discussion and insight into the others plight. I think that she would feel better if she could ask questions and find out that your situation has some of the same components as all of ours either now or in the past. Good luck. The gg's are really fabulous they would welcome her with open arms. Kitty

[bobbipoet]

First of all, anyone who has an accepting wife or girlfriend should count their blessings - for most women, it is a real compromise or even sacrifice, in their eyes, to accept this aspect of you. This is especially true if they find out about your dressing after years of being with you.

So, right away you have to realize that for her to acknowledge consciously and accept your crossdressing is a major concession on her part. She has to admit to herself that the "man" she fell in love with and wanted to as a life-partner, and now still wants as a partner, has "this thing" that society requires be kept a secret - and she has to keep it a secret too. This is a major adjustment.

In fact, it is so major, that she might not want to deal with it ALL THE TIME.

You might want to deal with "it," whether that means actual dressing or just discussions about it, because you are seeking to find out "the reason" or to "understand why." I think most crossdressers actually do not have a very good understanding of what the drive is all about, even when they decide to accept themselves and stop struggling with it. Look at how many posts in this forum have as the topic "why do we do this?" There are lots - and the definitive answer never seems to appear.

But the accepting wife might not actually be interested in diving deep into your inner pysche to find out "why." It has been hard enough to come to the level of acceptance, whatever level that might be right now.

So when you (we) encounter some resistance from accepting wives or girlfriends, I think it is more because they view it as "selfish obsession" and basically "inconsiderate" (in the true sense of the word - you are not considering her feelings and wants). More than anything, women want their loved ones to be considerate of them - that means thinking about what they are feeling and going through at any given time.

When a crossdressing man brings up the subject *again* with an accepting wife or SO, it is a very natural and healthy response for her say "enough already! Can't we just have a regular life already? Why does it always have to be so heavy?"

Frankly, this is what happens when any spouse becomes single-mindedly focused on one thing that the other spouse accepts, but isnt interested in. Could be the career, golf, gambling, working on cars, etc. When something that should be just a part of daily life becomes the dominant purpose of life, SHE IS RIGHT TO WONDER if balance has been lost.

My wife has a saying about people that I think is useful. When someone is very single-minded focused on themselves and inconsiderate of other people's needs or feelings, she likes to say about them:

With (him/her) All the arrows point in!

So, if you have an accepting wife/SO but you feel like she get frustrated whenever the "dressing" topic comes out, I think it might be helpful to ask yourself "are all the arrows pointing in right now?"

If the answer is yes, its no wonder that she is reacting the way she is.

[laurajeancd]

My wife has found out about Laura twice. She did not approve, now I have to keep it hid, for i love her more than bringing it up. So laura comes out on working trips, only.

[Julie Avery]

When a crossdressing man brings up the subject *again* with an accepting wife or SO, it is a very natural and healthy response for her say "enough already! Can't we just have a regular life already? Why does it always have to be so heavy?"

Frankly, this is what happens when any spouse becomes single-mindedly focused on one thing that the other spouse accepts, but isnt interested in.

I think this is a great insight for many situations, my own included. When you're dealing with a partner who is accepting and even supportive of your crossdressing, but not particularly excited by it (which I'm guessing is most cases), too much emphasis on the dressing is just "me me me", which never helps develop the give-and-take that generates genuine loving intimacy in a relationship.

[Jeannie9]

I really appreciate your post. You have indicated two quite separate issues that your GF is confronted with. The first is the "CD" aspect of yourself. In itself being CD is not that bad (after you remove the clothes, makeup) you are back to the "man" that she loves and may want to spend the rest of her life with.

Gender issues are a completely different ball of wax. Now she may be facing a real challenge in mourning the person that she loves. You are now asking her to re-evaluate her whole value system.

Please keep this in mind when talking with your GF for she too may have fears that she may want to express but does not have the right words for.

To you and your GF I wish the best of luck.

Jeannie

[JoannaDees]

Perhaps she is making an effort to accept your different aspect, and that in itself is a big enough piece. But if you often try to "talk" about it, she may feel being dragged into something she does not want to discuss. Maybe she does truly think OK ... but why do you always have to talk about it? Stop trying to drag her into your "therapy".

[bobbipoet]

Perhaps she is making an effort to accept your different aspect, and that in itself is a big enough piece. But if you often try to "talk" about it, she may feel being dragged into something she does not want to discuss. Maybe she does truly think OK ... but why do you always have to talk about it? Stop trying to drag her into your "therapy".

Exactly what I was trying to say!

You just said it better with less words.

Especially "don't drag me into your therapy."

It is a real blessing to have something "accept" you the way you are, even if they think your crossdressing is a "flaw."

Maybe that should be enough for most of us. Afterall, if we can't figure out why we do this, why should we ask our accepting wives/SOs/GFs to figure it out?