Just CD or other relationship issues?

[2BArianwen]

Having been following Judy's thread on "Does cross-dressing get us what we want?", it has caused me to think on relationship outcomes and now I have a follow-on question:

For those of you whose SO ended the relationship once you shared your dressing desires, did the SO end the relationship solely because they couldn't get past the CD, or was this simply 'the last straw' on top of other relationship issues?

Thanks all for any feedback.

Rian

[TrishaTX]

Mine stayed so hard to answer but maybe it is because the rest of the relationship was good...

[GaleWarning]

No. There were many other, much more destructive issues in our relationship. I was the one who left.

[Shayna]

I don't think just crossdressing can end a strong relationship. Relationships always have their issues, some big and some small. However, if one lets being a CD take over too many aspects of the relationship and you no longer can be the man she married, that may be the deal breaker for some women.

[sometimes_miss]

There's really no way to know what's in someone else's mind. There's also no way to know if they're using one reason to hide another. We started going to a therapist shortly after my wife found out about my crossdressing. However, there were other problems going on as well. She had never told me that she had been treated for major depression several years before I met her; it was so bad that she had to be hospitalized, and was out of work for over a year. She never did tell me more about it. But it did open up a whole lot of other problems that she had. Still, she blamed everything on me, and admitted that had she known about my crossdressing, she never would have married me. Her mom was also an alcoholic, and her family was very dysfunctional as well. The therapist introduced my wife to support groups for significant others of crossdressers and alcoholics, children of alcoholics, and my wife took that and ran with it. Unfortunately, some of those support groups are filled with people who preach that THEY are the only ones who can understand what someone goes through when a child of an alcoholic or a spouse of a crossdresser, and in a short period of time, I had been targeted as the source of all her problems; she saw me as manipulative, trying to enable her alcoholic mother, trying to deceive her and get her to do things she didn't want to do. The paranoia spread until she didn't trust anyone other than the people in her support groups; not her brothers, not her father, not her co-workers, not her friends, and of course, not me. No one except the support groups. Like other 12 step groups, she was going to a meeting of one or another almost every single day, and this went on for over two years. When she wasn't going to meetings, she was on the phone with one of the people from her meetings. When I or the therapist suggested that perhaps she was overdoing it, her response was, "So, you're saying that I shouldn't go to any meetings? They told me you'd say that!". When I said no, that's not what I was saying, I only thought maybe she might cut back a little, she repeated the same accusation. And on and on. Everything I did was seen as trying to control her in some way. Towards the end, the therapist called and told me that if I didn't do something, my marriage was going to be over. I offered that I was willing to do anything; but she didn't have any suggestion of what I could do. I started to realize that maybe there was not much I COULD do. I had stopped crossdressing, but it hadn't helped. She was now spending almost every evening with one of her friends from the meetings; as soon as she left, she was on the phone with her. I had been working full time and going to school full time, and on the evening I came home from my last final exam, she told me she wanted a divorce. We continued to see the therapist, but over the next couple of months, she tried to get me to move out. When she served me with divorce papers, and I spoke to a lawyer, it turned out that if I had just left, I would have forfieted the house to her. When I asked her, she admitted that was what she was trying to do. Then the bomb dropped; she told me that she still had the pictures she had taken of me dressed as a girl, and if I didn't give her the house and our assets, and take on our debts, she would make copies and tell my family, friends and send copies to where I worked too, or that I could just agree and that would be the end of it, she'd let me get out with 'what little dignity I had left', as she said. Having lived with something that made me an outcast when I was a kid, I didn't want to go through that again, so I gave her everything. I had no idea she was capable of blackmailing me. She let me take a few things that I owned from before we got married (I got to keep my car, some of my tools), then changed the locks the next day and presented me with the restraining order so I couldn't come back to the house, her having claimed that I had beat her in order to get the restraining order. Whenever she looked at me, she had this look of contained rage, as if she wanted to kill me, so I knew she was very serious about what was happening. So I called a friend and slept on his couch some nights, and staying at my mom's house other nights, or just slept in my car. I was broke and had to pay for all the credit card bills, so I couldn't even afford an apartment. The divorce was finalized six months later. It took me years to climb out of debt.
So. Child of an alcoholic, codependent, major depression, lying to the court, and blackmailing me. I apparently had no more idea of who and what I was marrying any more than she did. But she was the one to took it to another level, not me. All the psych problems, perhaps had we lived together before we got married, I could have picked up on it. The signs were there. But I had been in love, so I ignored it all. Me? My whole sin was crossdressing; as she said, I wasn't the man she thought she was getting when she married me, I was just a shadow of a man, a fake, a liar, and if she could send me to prison, she would have. That's how much she hated me towards the end. At one point, she actually accused me of marrying her in order to ruin her life; the paranoia got that bad.
So. What was the ultimate cause of our divorce? I don't know. There was so much to choose from.


I don't think just crossdressing can end a strong relationship.

It changes how they see us. When we fall in love, we actually fall in love with an image that we create in our minds of who the other person is, all based on what we know of them. When that image changes dramatically, her attraction to you can be lost, and once sexual attraction is gone, the love can soon follow. For, she will still want to feel sexually and romantically desirable, and once seen as a 'girly' guy, you may no longer be the object of her affection, so she looks elsewhere for confirmation of her desirability. Once she finds a new pseudo mate, that can go further in her mind, and then YOU are no longer the partner she wants most. And then the relationship as mates is essentially all over except the paperwork. So, yes, 'just crossdressing' can end a relationship, no matter how strong it is, because it substantially changes your mate's desire for you, and if that desire gets replaced, to that with someone else. If you're past the age when sex matters a lot in your relationship, perhaps you can remain as friends. But unless she's attracted to a guy in a dress, the sex is usually pretty much over.
Another example of this, would be a wife who found out her husband of 35 years had an affair back right after they got married. She then wants a divorce, because 'He's not the man I thought I married, I was made out to be a fool all these years, people laughing at me behind my back'. Or a wife who finds out her husband was married before, for maybe a few months, and let his first wife die in a fire, rather than die with her 40 years ago, even if he wasn't physically able to. It's all about who they believe, or want to believe you are, it's not about who you actually are. It's who they THINK you are, that they're attracted to.

[Teresa]

Rian,
I came close to separation, and it was basically the gap between my needs and her acceptance level that almost caused the break . I was having gender counselling at the time and wrote my history down I showed it to my counsellor who was OK with it so I then offered it to my wife to read. It was at that point we knew we had the decision to make, we did reach a compromise because we felt too many people were going to be hurt. She keeps trying to cling on to thinking she still has the man she married but is beginning to realise he's not there any more , I am still the same person because I know I was born like it the only difference is I'm not hiding my femme side anymore. She still chooses not to see it but many other people now have.

[NicoleScott]

I don't think just crossdressing can end a strong relationship.

This was (is) the position of a no longer active member, who cited a study (which didn't address crossdressing!!) thst concluded that crossdressing never causes divorce. That's pushing an agenda, but it's all phoney baloney.
The statement quoted is self-fulfilling. If the big crossdressing reveal ends a relationship, the relationship wasn't strong. If the relationship survives, it was strong enough.
Another tactic used to push the agenda is that it's always the deceit but never the crossdressing. Sure, it's the deceit sometimes, but not always. Why is it so hard to believe that some women can't have a crossdressing partner?

[Jean 103]

For me I would say yes this is what ended my marriage of 30 years.

[Suzie Petersen]

Sometimes_miss,

Thank you for sharing your story. What a terrible mess!

- Suzie

[Mollyanne]

I have been cd'ing all my life (60 plus years), one marriage was ended because my wife "couldn't, wouldn't and didn't understand my need". But in actual reality it wasn't the cd'ing, she didn't want to be married and wanted the single carefree life even though we had 2 children together. The cd'ing was a perfect cover for the ultimate end. My present wife and my soul mate had a in depth discussion about my "needs" and it was decided that we need to see a therapist to understand out wants, desires, and the perpetuation of out marriage. My wife confided in me that she feels betrayed in that I didn't tell her about all this before we got married. I tried to explain that if I did tell her then (so very long ago) we wouldn't be married today, and she agreed. With the therapist's help, we have reached a sort of compromise in that I will start to discard some of my clothes, I will dress when she is sleeping, and I won't hide the obvious. this seems to be working for the both of us so I am very hopeful I can regain her trust.

Mollyanne

[Stacy Darling]

Like to give you some feedback Rian, and probably could, I'm not sure if i understand your question though, Black and white?
I'm not a follower either!

[Ally 2112]

There was more than one issue with the ending of my marriage .The biggest one was yes the cross dressing we fought all the time about it even she supposedly accepted it

[Barbara Black]

While it didn't end our relationship, it certainly put it into a new place. She is not accepting, and if it were easier, she would be long gone (or rather, I would be). Mostly it's a financial thing keeping us together. I get questioned as to whether I'm gay, or bisexual whenever we fight about anything totally unrelated, so I know that it is always on her mind. And if I get enough of a raise in cash flow, I'll be gone.

[Tina_gm]

I definitely think in some cases a wife or other LTR partner will end a marriage or relationship simply because no matter how good the other aspects of the relationship or how casual the cding may be.

Generally, the stronger the relationship the better able a partner will be able to handle it IF it's a difficult issue for them.

There are so many variables. Location, family and friends, the partners upbringing, personal feelings, beliefs or even just their natural preferences. (Some truly enjoy and revel in their partners masculinity)

Then there is the needs of the TG partner. A casual infrequent cder.... or living a majority of their life at least as a woman.

To say cding alone never causes a break up is such a short sided statement. Also rarely does anyone one issue cause,a break up unless that one issue has such a strong negative impact on the relationship. Then it goes back to those determining factors.

[krissy]

My ex ended our relationship and told everybody i knew about me wearing women's clothes . i lost job and freinds.Its funny how life deals you things as you get older Hell now my ex talks to me and we are freinds again but ill never trust her again.

[Sandin Meknickers]

Cross dressing is harmless. Secrets, lies, obsession, neglect, infidelity, irationality and loss of arousal are the more likely reasons for marriages ending. Can't blame a girl if you turn her off.

[Lacey CD]

I have some dear friends that are going through a divorce right now. They were the perfect couple on the outside. 3 beautiful children, she is a stay at home mom. When they separated 2 years ago it was a shock to most who knew them. It came out that the husband, who has severe OCD and anxiety issues, was emotionally abusive and controlling. They never sought therapy, never confided in close friends or our mutual clergy, and had schooled the children to never mention anything to anybody. During the separation the husband started going to intense therapy and got on effective medication for his disorder. He worked hard to win her back but to no avail. For her, it was too little too late. She was done with him and that was that.
Long story short, she simply didn't want to be married to him. She didn't love him anymore and it's questionable if she ever did. My wife is a marriage and family therapist and sees this syndrome quite often. A couple will come in to her office at the 11th hour and expect years of dysfunction to be fixed in a few sessions. They aren't willing and/or able to do the deep work and process of self discovery that is required for healing. In the case of our friends it is suspect that the wife didn't seek help or reach out to friends because she wanted the relationship to end, and allowed it to get to the point of no return to facilitate her desire to be out of the marriage.
Now, I'm not advocating that this is the norm when it comes to folks on this forum who have experienced the ending of a relationship. But, I am struck by the volume of posts on this subject and suspect that there is some similarity here. My wife has struggled with how I express my fem side our entire marriage of 20 years. I dare say she wishes it would just go away. Likewise, I have struggled with aspects of her personality. We have worked hard at our marriage, kind of a requirement for a marriage counselor haha! In the end, we work it out because we are 100% committed to our relationship. We are soulmates and I would do anything to be with her, including stopping dressing. Fortunately I know she would never ask that of me as she knows this is a result of core wounding from my childhood that is now part of who I am. She loves all of me and I her, warts and all.