Some days...near the breaking point

[Traci H]

Frustration sometimes really gets to me. My wife is not accepting. Thinks it is all very weird. Wishes it would go away, I should stop. I am threatening the very fabric of our lives etc. makes comments about how she may have to do something about this situation.

While I very much value our marriage and take our vows very seriously, some days I feel I am near a breaking point. I treat mt wife very well. Indulging her in here projects, listening to her on all things like vacations, home remodeling, dinners out, I often don't feel reciprocated. Still I persist. She does not take care of her either.

I feel some days like I might just push the limits. Get my ears pierced, get a pedicure, etc. I get tired of dancing around the edges of my needs. I do not wish to be selfish either, so I refrain. But I sometimes feel like it is pented up inside me. I am not a freak. I am just me.

[BettyMorgan]

The only thing you need to worry about is your last sentence. Be who you are. Some people will accept you, some won't but you have to be who you are.

[Tracii G]

Stop being Mr nice guy all the time stop giving in to her whims.
Sounds to me the marriage is all about her and her needs you don't seem to matter.
I have been in two marriages like that so I do know how that feels.
My situation didn't involve CDing but other things.
Both told me I was too nice and should have been a man and said no more often.
Of course we don't don't know the whole story in your case but it sounds like you need to do something.

[Aunt Kelly]

I believe that I can speak for many here when I say that I know how you feel. My wife is fairly supportive, but still there are limits. Most others here, who are in a "conventional" relationship, seem to have an experience just like yours. My heart goes out to you and them. Still, for all of us, it is a balancing act. In order to preserve what harmony we can, our fem self must sacrifice something. For some of us, at some point, that sacrifice can become to much to bear and changes must be made. Sometimes, with honest and open communication, and with the necessary love and commitment on the part of both partners, acceptable accommodations can be made. Sadly though, sometimes that just can't happen, but it won't happen unless the attempt is made. So you have to decide if you can live with the restrictions on your fem self, or not, and act accordingly.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Stephanie47]

Before responding I read some of your previous postings. Comments about going out to buy male shirts and be told not to buy more panties. Putting your "man bag" away and calling it a purse. If she is not supportive, she does not need to make insulting comments and throw hurtful barbs at you. I'm in a DADT which works fine for us. DADT should preclude insulting comments intended to be hurtful. And, it should not mean open displays of cross dressing such as coloring fingernails, shaving body hair. That's pushing something in a woman's face she may not want to see. It's a compromise. Of course, as you have read on this site there are varying degrees of acceptance.

Your need to tell your wife to KNOCK IT OFF! Tell her how you feel about her insulting hurtful comments. If she wants to do something about the situation tell her to PUT UP OR SHUT UP.

[kimdl93]

Please bear with me....I'm on a really strong empathy kick right now. So, your wife knows....plainly doesn't like the fact that you are a cross dresser, and doesn't hesitate to express her feelings. In one way, this is a good thing...at least she isn't repressing her feelings, as my ex did. And with that, perhaps, comes the opportunity for real communication.

I wouldn't try to change or soften or otherwise incrementally alter her opinion. Instead, just ask what her to walk you through her fears and concerns. Let her talk...don't argue, contradict or agree...just listen and try to reflect back to her what you are hearing, just to make sure you are understanding her. What will come of it? Who knows....but for sure you'll be better able to understand where she is coming from, and that might help ease the pressure for you.

Something I learned a while ago may also apply. We're often told to "follow our feelings". Its actually fairly bad advice. Feeling reflect underlying thoughts or may simply be an automatic response to new or different. It kept our ancestors alive when there was a better than even chance that the new or different thing might kill and eat you. But today, new or different are almost never truly threatening. But we still respond the same way. We feel fear, then often come up with thoughts that justify our fears.

Your wife very likely responded viscerally to learning of your difference, and those fears were translated into the thoughts - perhaps that you didn't value her femininity, concern about social status, fear of losing her partner, etc. Your cross dressing doesn't cause those thoughts. They grow out of the instinctive response...the feeling of fear.

[Teresa]

Traci,
All this sounds so familiar, and it really is difficult finding the right solution.

One suggestion is sit down and honestly write about your CDing, how it started what road it has taken you down and where you are now. Also be truthful what your true needs are, try to do it in an unbiased way, I know it's so easy to make your wife look the villain of the peace.

The bottom line is she wants the man she married but her actions are making it worse she's not understanding any of if it and consequently not giving you any space to be Traci.
The defiant acts you threaten aren't going to do any good, your wife has to understand the fundamentals and accept most of us are born with a female trait and there's nothing we can do about it, we are affected in different ways so no story is exactly the same.

I am speaking from experience , I nearly ended my life through the rejection I felt . I was on long term Prozac medication and had two different counselling sessions. I'm still in a DADT situation but at least now I go out dressed to meet others socially , yes I still get some hurtful digs but it's her way of dealing with it.

I accept my life is a compromise, I'm resigned to the fact of living a double life, even my wife acknowledged that but that means she doesn't know all the facts, that is her choice not mine.

No your not a freak or a selfish person you are like most of us trying to come to terms with something men aren't supposed to do, so accept part of that is because we are part female .

[Karen RHT]

Some people (both male and female) simply refuse to open their mind to alternative thoughts, methods, technologies, etc. Almost impossible for them to actually accept something they consider to be even slightly irregular, let alone something they consider totally wrong. For the untrained (the vast majority of us) attempting to effect change in people like that, is nothing more than an exercise in frustration. Sad but true.


Karen

[Traci H]

Thank you all for your opinions. They are quite varied and that is to be expected. We are dealing with personalities here. One that I don't fully understand, let alone you. It felt better just to vent a bit of course. Your life experiences are much appreciated and will help me to formulate just what I need to do. I guess my frustration came through in my dialogue.

I am not a young person any longer, so perhaps that weighs into my desire to express my inner person. I need to experience some things before I can't put on my own pantyhose.

Traci

[Teresa]

Traci,
You don't mention your age but I'm trying to make the most of the window that's open at the moment, I wish I could do more and hope I don't live to regret not pushing harder, I don't regret for a moment what I have with my Cding now, I've told my wife I actually enjoy it even with my DADT situation .

[Ally 2112]

If you can express it experience it do what you can with the least amount of damage you can handle .Makes for a softer landing .Also always put your own pantyhose on :)