Who is afraid of whom, anyway?

[mechamoose]

I just got on this idea from another thread in the TG/NB forum, and it really has me thinking.

Who is afraid of whom, anyway?

I mean, I know that several of us are in dangerous positions. I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about threats, but I present as a piss-poor girl.

But really, aren't we afraid of people who are afraid? Of how they might act?

I mean, I hear all kinds of stories of courage on this board, yet many still do what they can to hide. Why? Out of fear.

Think about that. Think about it really hard.

I'm not suggesting that there is a magical answer for some person who gets so weirded out that they attack one of us. It is a perspective issue.

WE are the strong ones.

- MM

[Pattie]

Very good point as I said before they don't know you ,you don't know them so yes what is there to fear. I have never worried about it and never gave it a second thought but you are right we fear our selves.
Pattie

[Dana44]

Indeed, Mechamoose, The only thing is that a girl need to do things safely and have no fear. But yeah there are a lot in the closet and don't know how to start. So a lot of threads are structured around that. So, many are starting to come out and you read about them many times. Hurrah for them as they get over their fear.

[SometimesKairi]

I would HATE the northern English in my job to find out.
I can deal with mental abuse (I joke it off until they accept) but these guys I can genuinely see attacking me for it.

[mechamoose]

I would HATE the northern English in my job to find out.
I can deal with mental abuse (I joke it off until they accept) but these guys I can genuinely see attacking me for it.

But that is part and parcel to my point.

I don't want anyone of us to do anything stupid, but the realization that WE are the ones who are risking ourselves, that We are the ones with (forgive the language) stones.

I was just seeing that as pertinent. I had not quite seen that before today.

- MM

[SometimesKairi]

You make a good point mechmoose..I don't like to fight, never have and that has nothing to do with my dressing but if someone at work physically attacked me because of it (and I know them, its possible) then that someone would be going to court because I WILL press charges.
What I do in my time is **** all to do with them.

[Vikky]

I think its more a case of people not knowing how to react when all of a sudden they are faced with a CDer or trans person. There are plenty of people with no experience of someone disabled, but when they are suddenly faced with someone who is blind/deaf/wheelchair etc they freeze and will avoid or become offensive or abusive. I think it could be much the same thing.
Vikky

[Stacy Darling]

Nice Question" Urthboy-Crushing hard".

So I'm the chick that will walk into a police station to ask if anyone has a problem with me!
My friends are mostly SE Asian and not to forget black power Tongans.
So I can back myself up in any world!

So now to pretty Stacy, Stacy is very vulnerable!

So for me, Unfortunately I need the ripped guy behind me for back-up!

[Teresa]

MM,
I'm not so much living with my fears but the ones my wife has . If I had separated my intention was to go full time , it doesn't concern me who knows . The more people that do the less any fears become .

Being concerned of a physical attack hardly worries me, I would say it's as likely to happen in male mode as much as it is when dressed.

Vicky,
That is something you have to come to terms with, I was a self employed photographer for thirty years , being confronted with disabled people, aggressive people , etc., has to be taken in your stride , no standing back , you have to take control of the situation, people expect it from a professional person . OK at times it can be scary but on the other hand so rewarding when people genuinely thank you for dealing with what could be a difficult situation .

I guess it explains why I can deal with my CDing so well , I've learned to accept live and let live .

[Vikky]

Hi Teresa
Personally, I have no problem with disabled people - I have worked with them, for them and also now involved with voluntary work with the blind. But many people do, and I have seen their reaction (good and bad).
Vikky

[Tracii G]

The fear of anyone different works on both sides of the scale.
As I have posted here in the past of physical altercations I have had, they are few and far between. They were the fear of the other person towards me not me towards them.
We being either trans or a CD are the stronger side of that curve because we are different and are not afraid to be ourselves.
Now there are some CD's that are too scared to admit to themselves they are a CD and have not reconciled that fact.
Some would call that in denial. Some are in the closet for whatever reason they claim and deathly afraid of their spouse.
Fear is just something in the human mind that works against us,conquering it can be difficult for some.
Fear can be a good thing too it keeps you relatively safe.
I have a fear of heights for example but I don't let it run my life.

[Tina_gm]

The biggest cause of fear is what you don't understand. Who or what that really is? (Objects as well as people I mean) what might they do. Will he attack me?


When you absolutely know something, there is far less fear. I know what is coming, I know what they are going to do. Fear might not be erased completely, but it is almost always reduced considerably. I agree that some of those who hate us are so because of fear. Afraid deep down perhaps that they are like us too? or are one of us? Afraid that we might somehow change their world as they know it, maybe.... But not all who hate us hate us out of fear. Some do because of beliefs, or a really bad thing that may have happened to them or someone they know. (not all of us are good people) Generally we are the least likely to attack someone or do something sexually inapropriate, but when it does happen, we get the most notoriety from it.

In an answer to your question yes, we or some of us anyway are afraid of those who are afraid. We fear their actions. Not just physical ones, but of losing jobs, causing drama, spreading rumors and untrue stories. Those things have happened along with physical attacks. The most dangerous animals are those who are afraid of us....

[docrobbysherry]

It's NOT just about fear, MM. Some of us just don't enjoy drama when out!:thumbsdn:

I only go out to vanilla venues that I feel r safe. I find "dressing to blend" to be repugnant!:doh:

I just don't enjoy the fish eyes, giggles, cracks, and the, "That was a man!" :sad:

[sometimes_miss]

I"m not afraid of some ONE, as much as I am of some THING. Being outed can result in various types of backlash from the world at large which can make my life more difficult. I simply don't want to have to deal with the ramifications of those potential problems, many of which we will not even know are related to our being known as crossdressers. Friends/relatives gradually removing themselves from our lives, job applications/resumes/contact information being 'misplaced', people at work finding alternative reasons for us to be moved to the top of the list for being laid off, landlords suddenly having 'a relative' coming to our town that needs my apartment (resulting in my eviction or not getting the apartment in the first place), restaurants seating us out of sight of the rest of the diners, along with a huge list of other things that people do against us behind our backs that we'll never even know about, yet also make our lives more difficult than they have to be. Much of the world still would rather we not be in theirs, if they could avoid us. NIMBY is still firmly set against us. Let's face it, being a crossdresser isn't considered a positive thing by anyone. 'Oh, your son/husband/SO is a crossdresser? Marvelous! It will open so many doors for him!' (all those doors being marked EXIT, of course).

[AllieSF]

The interesting thing about fear for humans is that it is mostly learned, versus instinctive as in animals who know from birth to hide, stay still when needed and avoid other equal sized to larger animals. Our trans fear about going out for example is learned from stories we hear, from the fear of being laughed at, the fear of rejection, fear of future economic or social negative reactions. As others have said, the fear that some, and I believe that it is a very small minority of people, is of the unknown, the fear of not fitting in with their macho mates and thus the need to act macho (idiotic) and rough someone up who is an unknown to them, whether trans, disabled, different color, ethnicity, or whatever.

Yes, we, when out, do exude a certain amount of courage to be there. I personally never felt that I was extra brave or whatever. Since I have always generally known my surroundings and issues associated with those surroundings, I have less fear and just some more caution when out. Since I discovered this new me late in life with a lot of learned experiences, I was less worried about someone attacking me, I know how to avoid it or deal with it, and also less afraid of just being out there presenting as something physically different of what I am. So, going out was a no brainer strong desire to meet those strangers, which I have all my life been fascinated with. I think we all learn over time when presenting as the opposite gender to eventually feel more comfortable and safe when out. That just takes some special courage at the beginning to get over the initial experience hump and then to develop a new way of looking at dealing with strangers and the new potential dangers when out as a female.

[Lana Mae]

I have some fear! I am going to a MAC counter in the mall alone! I have minimized the distance from parking deck to entrance and shortest distance to the MAC counter! Being out where everyone can see them working on me is more of an exhibitionist than I am used to! I am very aware of the dangers and am ready to proceed! Talk me out of it!!! LOL Hugs Lana Mae

[Tama]

Physically, I'm probably able (always have been anyway)to handle an altercation, should one arise...and they never have fortunately. Where I heard Lexi loud and clear is, the unseen or potential threats. I have a neighbor for example who is a great guy to have as a neighbor. He is however Archie Bunker in his own world. Just the thought of the issues that might arise if he found out about me may well have me selling my home. I already know how He feels on far too many subjects but, as far as me being the real me could be catastrophic. This only one example, there are many more that came to mind reading these posts.

[Aunt Kelly]

I have some fear! I am going to a MAC counter in the mall alone! I have minimized the distance from parking deck to entrance and shortest distance to the MAC counter! Being out where everyone can see them working on me is more of an exhibitionist than I am used to! I am very aware of the dangers and am ready to proceed! Talk me out of it!!!
Not happening, girlfriend. All you're going to get from me is some gentle encouragement to get your narrow little butt into that store and into that make up chair! OK, maybe not that gentle, but if I was there I could hold your hand reassuringly, ...and drag you to the MAC counter. LOL
Seriously though, you're going to have a talk with yourself and then let go and have a good time. I just know you are. In fact, I'll make this wager. While you may get some second glances, maybe even a gape or two, more than one person, and not just the SA, is going to give you a genuinely warm smile, and that will change everything. All you have to do is smile and "act as if you're the best thing that's happened to them all day".

Hugs,


Kelly