My name is Adam, this is my story

[Trinity1991]

i deleted my post by accident >< this is me re writing it, cant believe i did that lol, here is a picture :-) http://imgur.com/a/zaPyA

My name is Adam i am 25 years old, I never had any friends as a kid like at all i was pretty much alone from kindergarten till well now i still dont have any friends but the first time i ever crossdressed was when i was around 11 or 12, i found my older sisters dresses in her closet and tried them on and fell in love, something about it made me happy which was very rare as i was almost always sad.

I think i am quite an atypical crossdresser as from what i have read most crossdressers are straight but i believe i am asexual as i have never had any sex drive to speak of what so ever, never been attracted to another person man or women, lots of the time i think i would rather be gay then asexual as at least that would give me some hope for a relationship but i truly feel no attraction to people what so ever.

I am in the closet when it comes to my crossdressing, i have never done it anywhere but in private, i believe my mom knows or has at least found my dresses before but she has never said anything to me about it or confronted me about it, i dont think she cares much or understands but doesnt really care i know she has some friends who are gay and she isnt deeply religious or anything so i dont think it would matter to her so much but would still be extremely awkward, i think she would be far more upset to find out i was asexual as i know she wants grandchildren one day lol. I laughed the other day when i was thinking about it and realized i have spent more money on my Dresses and heels then i have on my male clothing.

I have had severe depression my whole life or at least since a very young age when i couldnt make any friends, i find myself thinking of suicide alot but that is nothing new i have had these suical thoughts for at least 10 years, i have never acted them but i lay in bed thinking about it every night, but i am getting off topic i really dont think that has to do with my crossdressing as my crossdressing is one of the only things that makes me truly happy, something about wearing a dress just puts a smile on my face. I often find when i cant put on a dress as in my mother has a few days off or i am out of town for what ever reason or something like that i spend alot of time anticipating the next time i will get to put one on.

I think one of the things that really gets me depressed it not being able to move out of my mothers, i just dont make enough money rent is so damned expensive and i dont know anything who would want to be my roommate and finding a random one online seems scetchy and ontop of that i can only imagine trying to find a random roommate who isnt totally freaked out by my crossdressing but even then i probably couldnt afford it... just rambling at this point.

Thank you all for reading, still cant believe i deleted the whole thing lol

[SometimesKairi]

Hi Adam,
you seem to have a lot of strife and confusion.
I hope we can all allay some of your fears and worries here :)

[Gabriella111]

Hi Adam,

You may find some women to be more accepting than you realize, especially if you're upfront about it.

If the only time you're happy is when you're dressed, and the alternative is suicidal thoughts, it may be worth it to come out to your family. If your mom possibly already knows, she could be a good start.

[Confucius]

Hi Adam,
I'm glad you found this place. Here are welcome here, and yes, you do fit it. In fact, parts of your story are similar to my own.

[RADER]

Hi Adam,
Welcome to the Forum, glad you found us.
You will see that you are among friends here.
please do not be shy, you are welcomed to the "Family"
Rader

[Lana Mae]

Hi, Adam! Welcome to the forum! Your story is similar to many here. You will fit right in! Here you have friends! I only have one friend who is not on here! Get 10 posts and the entire forum will open up to you! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

[Lacey86]

Hi Adam.
welcome !
I don't see your Imgur username on that post anywhere (this might be my own ineptness)
I was going to follow you and throw an upvote to your post!
hope you find support and friendship here!
Lacey.

[AllieSF]

Yes, welcome to the Forum and our wonderful, varied and sometimes contentious family here. Also, thank you for such a heartfelt introduction. This place can be a big help over time if you let it. Read a lot, participate when you feel like it and relax here if you can.

[ronda]

Adam welcome to the forum you are not ant different then most of us here and most of the young girls are more excepting then you may think so look around make a friend get to know her and let her get to know you but most of all be yourself

[Nicki_D]

Hi Adam, thank you for sharing your story. I think it took a lot of courage to be so open, even on a relatively anonymous forum like this. I also think that you are incredibly insightful about yourself and that self-awareness is very useful.
From reading your post I got a real sense that you feel trapped, by your living situation, by your feeling that you can't share yourself fully with the ones you love, and by your financial constraints. That's something that depression does to us, it makes us feel out of control, like we don't have the power to get out of our situation. I hope that your post marks a new start for you. Personally, I get a lot of help seeing a counsellor - I have a couple of sessions a month, one on one with a counsellor I have come to trust, and for me talking therapy is a real and definite way for me to cope with the difficulties I face. I would always recommend, if you are able, to find someone you can talk to and trust. I don't know where you live or your situation so I don't know how feasible that is for you, but I would certainly advise you do a little research.

All the best

[Salina]

Welcome Adam! Thanks for sharing your story and I think you'll find this a welcoming and supportive place.

[Sandin Meknickers]

Hey Adam,

That's a tough hand to play. I can vouch for talking therapy to help with depression and trauma. Like you said, we only got the tip of thd iceberg there. My depression always led me to all or nothing thinking. You have a lot to deal with there. Like you open a jigsaw, there's a mess of pieces. Looks an arduous task (personally i get excited). But when you think around it, you come up with strategies to complete the picture. Some do edges, some do colours or a specific object. Whatever. I didn't really have any ideas to pull myself out of shit so I begrudgingly let someone help. This is a good first step for you and I bet it felt good to hit send :)

[Trinity1991]

Thanks for all the replys people, i appreciate it

[giuseppina]

... I also have no friends what so ever, i sit alone most of the time in my free time and usually when i dont have the opportunity i am thinking about the next time i will get to wear a dress. I feel like its one of the things that stops me from moving on though, i cant afford to live on my own, i think i would have some kind of chance if i was able to find a roommate but i have no idea how to do that, but i feel like anyone i find would be totally wierded out by my crossdressing and its not something i would ever want to give up. I feel like it would be great if i could find a female roommate and we could talk about cloths all the time and could have fun with, but that really seems like a fantasy most women would probably find me a really strange as well.


That is a small bit of my story, i thank anyone who took the time to read :-)

Leaving aside the dressing, the above is typical of a depressed person.

There are quite likely some behaviour issues that go with depression that you may or may not be aware of. Isolating yourself as you describe above is a big one. Inappropriate aggression is another one that is not endearing to others.

I am wondering if part of the problem might be accepting yourself as you are, not how others expect you to be. It's a common but not universal issue for LGBTQI... folk.

The single biggest thing you can do to help yourself is seeing a duly qualified and licensed mental health practitioner and putting their advice into practice. If this person attempts to judge you for any reason, that person is not right for you; ask for another referral.

The best way to find a competent counsellor is a referral from your family doctor.

You may be prescribed antidepressants as part of your treatment. These take about two months to work. Further, the first drug the doctor prescribes may not work or have unacceptable side effects. It is impossible to determine in advance which drug will work with tolerable side effects without a two or three month trial. You may need the antidepressants to lift your mood enough to work on the issues underlying your depression.

The best outcomes in adults such as yourself in your current circumstances are provided by both drug and talk therapy.

It does not sound like employment is a realistic goal at this time.

You may or may not find that your sexuality changes once you overcome the depression issue. I was uninterested in relationships at your age: not worth the risk. I am old enough to be your father.

There are a number of books available by David Burns, who is or was on the psychiatry faculty at Stanford University. One of them is entitled "Ten Days to Self-Esteem", ISBN-13: 978-0688094553. The title is somewhat of a misnomer and it's a little old, but there are plenty of well-tested ideas in it that will not become obsolete anytime soon. I got the ISBN number from Amazon; you should be able to find or order it anywhere books are sold. The price is about Can$25 or the equivalent in local currency.

While the underlying issues are different, the way you feel today is about what I felt like at your age. This was not an easy post for me to write. I no longer have issues with suicidal ideation.

This is going to be a very tough journey for you to climb out of depression. I guarantee there will be occasional setbacks. You will run into people that, to be polite, have no understanding of what a depressed person feels and use your health issues against you. The best advice for dealing with such people is walking away.

Get going and start working on your issues.

[Trinity1991]

i am Canadian as well, i live in BC, and i was employed i was layed off for the winter and and i just recently found out i wont be getting hired back and my mother as understanding as she is would not allow me to stay here if i dont get another job and i dont blame her, as much as i am dreading finding a new job i have started looking.

i have looked into therapy but plain and simple cant afford it, cheapest one i came across was $90 a session i am more then broke as it is.

[Tracii G]

Welcome Adam I missed your first post so I have no idea what you posted.
We are all friends here just so you know.

[giuseppina]

...i have looked into therapy but plain and simple cant afford it, cheapest one i came across was $90 a session i am more then broke as it is.

You can see a primary care physician or psychiatrist for mental health issues as many times as deemed reasonable by the attending doctor and it is covered by the taxpayer. This may not help you, but in Ontario, eight visits annually to a registered social worker (with a referral from a MD) are also covered over and above visits to a doctor. A medical license is required for any prescriptions. No more excuses! ;)

[kimdl93]

Sorry I missed your story. Sounds like it was a good one! Welcome and share more :)

[Trinity1991]

Sorry I missed your story. Sounds like it was a good one! Welcome and share more :)

there i re wrote it, so dumb of me lol

[Tracii G]

I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people here that were in the same situation as you are now.
I'm guessing here so I may be wrong but the reason you never had friends could possibly be because you never tried.
Did you stay in the house and play video games all the time?
I'm not trying to be mean I'm just trying to be honest with you and find out why you never had friends growing up.
You are just a bit younger than my kids and I knew kids in our neighborhood that never left the house and their parents never made them go outside and play or make friends.
You may find me on the harsh side sometimes but I hate when people play the pity party card.
If things suck its up to you and nobody else to change your situation.
Lord knows I had to do it several times and its never been easy but I knew it had to be done if I wanted out of the hole I was in.

[ChrisP]

Hi Adam, and welcome here.
You'll find that there are quite a few of us that share similar experiences and can offer both friendship and advice born from our lives.

I'm a physician, and I deal with people like yourself that are facing extraordinary difficulties that result in real pain and sometimes isolation.
I mention that so that you can appreciate that there are lots of people who are caught inbetween worlds so to speak (the world of "normal" gender and the world of us who identify as transgendered for example), but it turns out that the world is actually much larger and more complex than we can conceive of it to be.

In short, you're the butterfly emerging from a cocoon, and there's a big wonderful place out there for you to enjoy.

You've impressed me with what you've written about the absence of joy in your life, and in your growing up. I do think it likely that you're depressed, and all kinds of things can lead to that, including difficulties at home.

The great news is that you can recover that joy and find a lot of meaning and purpose in the life in front of you, and someday this past period of time will look like a foggy memory that's no longer an anchor on a better future.

You need some allies: people on your side, and people who care about what happens to you and the choices you make.
The UK has some great LGBQT organizations for young people, they are free to visit, and they are organized by intelligent and thoughtful people. They've seen people like you over and over, and they dedicate themselves to helping them make a better life in the gender that the individual feels is best for themselves. There's no judging, and there's no effort to make you change who you are, just effort to see you find some happiness in this life.

If you were like I was, then finding the energy to make that first connection is the hardest step you'll make. There are a thousand excuses not to pick up the phone and call to speak to someone.
From there, they can help you meet others like yourself, as well as counselors who can help get your mood and feelings back on a more positive track.
You don't have to do everything at once: you can start with making that connection, which leads to making friends, and then new ideas about work, and living, and a career. It takes time, but once it starts it unfolds itself, like a ball rolling down a hill.
I'm so glad you've joined us here. Please keep us posted about your progress, and let us know what we can do to help.
Welcome!!
Chris

[Trinity1991]

I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people here that were in the same situation as you are now.
I'm guessing here so I may be wrong but the reason you never had friends could possibly be because you never tried.
Did you stay in the house and play video games all the time?
I'm not trying to be mean I'm just trying to be honest with you and find out why you never had friends growing up.
You are just a bit younger than my kids and I knew kids in our neighborhood that never left the house and their parents never made them go outside and play or make friends.
You may find me on the harsh side sometimes but I hate when people play the pity party card.
If things suck its up to you and nobody else to change your situation.
Lord knows I had to do it several times and its never been easy but I knew it had to be done if I wanted out of the hole I was in.

i did stay in and play video games but honestly that was after many attempts at making friends but being branded the kid to stay away from if you want any chance at being popular, i also grew up in a pretty small town so you only had so many chances.

and i agree that there is no one else to change things but me, but i have this overwhelming feeling that i cant, i think thats where the depression and suicidal thoughts come in where i just think ending it is far more likely to end the pain then making more attempts doomed to fail like the past, im sorry i know that sounds terrible lol

[terri-joe]

Hi,

I identify a little of yourself in me; having little sexual attraction, having some depression, few friends. However, one thing which drove me in life was being interested or involved in social/environmental movements, eg. going green, helping in food banks, being involved in social hackathons, learning about sharing economy, anything which you find meaning and purpose. I suddenly find the world to be so dynamic and interesting and you find a NEED to grow along to improve the world your way.

Along in life with the people I get to interact, I find people who has self esteem very attractive, even though he/she is just a normal person, which lead me thinking was I not good enough for myself?! I may be agender or asexual or whatever; who cares, I am just me! Labels are for people who wants to limit/quantify themselves; I know I am always changing growing and I know I will be just fine. I also learn the importance in people appreciating.

Even if you are a shut-in, there are lots of free online courses you can take from coursera https://www.coursera.org/courses and edx https://www.edx.org/course. I recommend positive psychology from edx. Go youtube and listen to some TED talks! Enthusiasm can be alluring.

The world is do large and the forum is not enough. Go out and explore!

[Tina_gm]

Hi Adam and welcome to the forum. Your suicidal feelings could be an indication of identity issues. Perhaps you simply are a female in a male body. Many TS women have had suicidal feelings because of it. And who knows, that might even be a reason why you have never been able to experience sexual attraction to either. In the wrong body you might not be able to make a connection. Once dressed you simply feel relaxed enough and are not even thinking of or have any attraction as the relaxation aspect takes over.

Even being TS, if you are won't automatically mean that you will be attracted to men, as sexuality is different then gender. You may truly be asexual too, that just happens sometimes.

I will say this though, from my own personal experience and how I identify myself- I do not identify myself as a woman. Not really as a "man" in the typical way either. The closest I can and have identified myself is a feminine male. Dressing is just one way in which I express my femininity. While this is likely not how a lot of members feel or experience.... The more I get to express my femininity, the less being a male, not necessarily a typical man but simply biologically being male bothers me. I don't mind the boy parts at all. I have no dysphoria with them. But, if I am busy, which I am a lot and I don't have a lot of time to dress or express my inner femininity, I get sort of an overall agitated feeling. And sometimes I have felt I would be better off if I was born a woman. I don't have the desire to transition to become one but just thinking I would be better off being one. But, when I have the time to express my femininity those feelings greatly diminish. I don't really understand any of it other then I have come to merely accept and understand I am different, I am feminine.

I don't share your issues with sexuality, sorry. But, no matter how much I express or feel feminine, it does not change my sexual orientation which is to women. I feel the same attraction to my wife regardless of how I am feeling internally or whether dressed or not, expressing in any other way or not. Some here do feel differently when dressed, and again, that is all part of how we under this TG umbrella are and go through. We are all just individuals who do not fit in the "typical" category.

[CarlaWestin]

Hello, Adam. And welcome. I hope you realize that you're not alone in your feelings. The stresses of growing up with the tension of other's expectations can be daunting. The key to life is to be self accepting and allow yourself to be you. Truthfully, 99% of all stress that you do in your life, someone else brought it to you. There are only two types of people in this world. Victims and Problem Solvers. Unfortunately, too many people would prefer to wallow in their victimhood than to take on life's challenges. You have your whole life ahead of you and there's nothing wrong with being selfish. It's all about you. And, it's OK to be happy.

And about that suicide thing. I cared for a quadriplegic sibling for ten years.
One day I asked, "Why do you wake up everyday?"
The reply is what has kept me going through thick and thin.
"Because, I might miss something."

You have so many tomorrows to enjoy. When I look back on darker times they only appear as mere blips on the radar compared to the monumental challenges they seemed to be at the time.

[Michelle123]

Adam, have you considered telling your mother about your need to dress? it sounds as if she may be accepting of your needs. I think it would be very beneficial for you if you were free to dress at home. Would relieve some of your anxiety for sure.

[Tracii G]

Adam some therapy might do you good so look into that and see a gender therapist too for you gender issues.
Remember all that "the kid not to be around" was in your childhood let that pass and concentrate on who you are now as an adult.
If I lived in the past and rehashed all the pain and suffering I caused people I would go crazy.
I was one of those people that you didn't want to be around so I understand how that feels. If you crossed me you ended up in the hospital.
I have to live everyday knowing what I did to people and I didn't deserve to get out of that lifestyle but I did.
Get help and get your mind right and I guarantee your life will get better.
I normally don't open up about my past but your post made me to let you know how bad things may seem they could be a lot worse and its up to you to break the cycle.
You are a worthy human being and deserve to be happy and be yourself.

[Jenny22]

Someone once said,"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," so get that thought out of your mind. As you've described yourself, things can't get much worse, but they sure as hell can get a whole lot better, if you look in the right directions. Many have suggested professional help, and they are right on! If you live near a college or university, you might be able to get free psychological help there.

You state you live in a small town, but where? Uk? Canada? USA? Let us know the county and state, if you can. Why? There are forum sisters all over the world who would like to be your personal friends and may live near you. They could become Big Sisters, if you'd like and could be a great source for possible answers to your personal challenges.

BTW, your dress is very pretty, and no farmer's arms! Hugs.

[Trinity1991]

i live in Penticton BC, Canada

and thanks, i have been trying to lose weight but i am still 200 lbs >< lol

[Tracii G]

Women come in all shapes and sizes so don't let that worry you at all dress in what you want this is not a competition.
The small town thing I wouldn't worry about either if you have on make up and a wig and dress properly people aren't going to think its you anyway.
I have been withing arms reach of my Daughter and her husband while cross dressed and they didn't recognize me.
They weren't looking for me in a dress and heels so I never entered their minds. They have never mentioned anything to me about that day.

[phili]

HI Trinity,
I spent a long time around ages 18-28 being depressed, and finally kicked it when two things happened-
a. I realized one day that I was trapped in a euphoria of inaction, and when I focused on the reality of something- in this case, the technique for making my bed, suddenly the passive feeling was gone and I was back! This didn't hold long, but it gave me the path- focus on concrete purpose and the technicality- i.e. reality of how things get done
b. I witnessed my hopes arising moment by moment and then being dashed as if by incoming missiles of negativity- that won't work because...- coming from none other than myself or some part of my mind, which I think is called the inner critic, or more aptly, inner discourager- which is undoubtedly the internalized voice of some authority figure in your life, or many of them, or even an imaginary one to explain why people were ganging up on you.

That got me back to more or less normal, but the final unwinding of the reason came after a very cool therapy session where I remembered my dad choking me into submission. I was suddenly liberated- the mystery was solved. I forgave him, since by that time I was able to acknowledge that we all can do stupid stuff, and didn't have the need to pretend I was perfect anymore.

Which pretending, by the way, is also the source of persisting in a victim role.

The predator instincts of those who banded against you were incited by your fear and agreement with them that they had power. They actually don't have any power except to negotiate with you and see if you will accept status as a black sheep nobody- and then they can feel better when you feel terrible. Not a nice agreement to make, so cancel it.

You are full of capacity to do and feel and contribute- so get back out there and take the best job available today, and keep it only long enough till you get a better one.

And you can find a roommate- lots of people needing a roommate will find interest in a happy crossdresser who has their life back.

[Trinity1991]

Thanks everyone I appreciate all the replies

[Tracii G]

Well said philli.
Trinity1991 what you are going thru right now is part of growing up we all have gone thru it and survived so you will too.
Your 20's are a time where peer pressure is very strong and people around you are "pulling" you in all directions.
Find a positive direction to follow with positive people and surround your self with those types and do your own thing.
If you continue letting the negative people surround you and control your thinking you will stay stuck in your present situation.