MTF Crossdressing as seen by gay male/lesbian female community

[phili]

When I was late teens -20s I went out to the gay community to see if I could find my people. I found generally that gay men were gentle and tolerant, but regarded feminine clothes as a costume- that reflected my basic stance as open to romancing, but did not find, to my disappointment, dresses an enhancement to my attractiveness. I realized that since I did want to marry a woman and have children, I would not spend time trying to find what seemed like a rare gay man.

My lesbian friends could understand me as a gender variant who was not the type of man they particularly did not like, and were fine with me being queer. But in their company being a male was like being a zero, so I couldn't find a social community or a mate there either.

I'd love to hear about other's experiences- did anyone find a community where MTF crossdressing was a positive?

[Ceera]

I've been hanging out en-femme with the Gay and Lesbian community a lot since I first started going out en-femme, in mid 2014. I can pass pretty well, both in appearance and voice. I'm 59, but en-femme I look and act more like I am in my 20's to 40's, and most people find it hard to believe that I have a 21 year old daughter. I often go to LGBT nightclubs, dance clubs, and bars; I attend Pride events; and I have joined several lesbian Meetup groups. I do not tend to go to LGBT activities as a male. In fact, I can't recall ever doing so, except on one occasion, to retrieve an item from a bar's 'lost and found' as a male, when I had lost it the night before as a female. And on that occasion, I didn't go into the club and socialize. I just got what I had lost from the guy at the door, and left immediately.

I've had quite a few gay (or bi) males state they found my female presentation attractive. In one case, a guy was particularly turned on by my choice of high heeled boots - he had a foot fetish. They buy me drinks and ask to dance with me, and sometimes kiss me and cuddle. Several have quite clearly stated they wanted to make out with me - to go farther than just kissing - but I've allowed that only once so far, with one particularly charming guy. Maybe one guy in ten or one in twenty among the gay guys I have met has shown that sort of interest in me. The others are usually polite and accepting, but are clearly more interested in the other male-appearing patrons at the event. But I would have to say there is definitely a segment of the gay male community that is bi enough to find an MtF TG girl attractive.

My lesbian friends quite happily accept me as part of their social circle. As far as they are concerned, since I am making a pretty solid effort to present and speak and act as a female, and since I self-identify as female when en-femme and prefer girls, I am just as much a lesbian as they are. They also buy me drinks and ask to dance with me, and often go out of their way to ask me to join them socially. Dating and affection from the lesbians I hang out with has, so far, been less satisfying. Most of them are already in a monogamous lesbian relationship. The ones that become single don't usually stay single for long. If my relationship with anyone, male or female, is starting to head in an affectionate direction, I make sure they realize that even though I am 'all girl' in most other respects, I haven't had SRS yet. A couple of the lesbian GG's have said that wouldn't necessarily matter to them, and that they might be open to dating me, but so far none of the ones who leaned that way have remained unattached for long enough to get a date with them. For most of them, once they know I don't have girl parts in my panties, they are happy to remain friends, but have no interest in dating me. Yet there definitely are a few who would, if they were otherwise available.

I've also socialized with other trans/cd ladies, but never sought to date or get affectionate with most of them. One exception was that I did date one transgender, lesbian-identifying GG, who I met at a lesbian oriented speed dating event, and who was just starting her FtM transition. But it never got beyond one platonic dinner date with her, because she already had another guy that she was more serious about.

It seems that most gay guys and lesbian ladies tend to go to LGBT venues with a current close friend or partner, and are not there as visibly 'solo and single'. Most LGBT people I have met tend to pair up whenever they can - they don't like to remain single for very long. Yet I've also chatted with several attractive and single lesbian GG's, who bemoaned how hard it was to make the first move for them - that they feared their 'gaydar' wasn't working at all, and they were often uncertain, even in a queer setting, if the women they felt attracted to were also lesbian or bi, and available. So there are singles who remain available for longer periods of time, but it isn't always clear that they are available.

Bottom line is that yes, there is a small segment for whom our dressing is a plus. And I'm not sure how much that is affected by how well we pass, because some of my first strong affectionate responses from gay males came up when I didn't yet pass very well at all!

[kimdl93]

I am pretty close to the LGBT community both personally and professionally. I have not, however, sought nor am I interested in pursuing relationships within that context. That being said, I have always been treated with great empathy and courtesy by both gay and lesbian people. Ive found much more in common with and had many longer conversations, and even some mutual attraction with lesbian and bi women...but community with both. I can't entirely explain that.

[Julogden]

For many years, my home away from home was a lesbian bar where I made a few good friends. I was told by more than one of them that they thought of me as one of the women, and while I never was involved in a relationship beyond being good friends with any of them, a bit of kissing and making out did happen with a few of the women that I met there over the years.

[Teresa]

Phili,
The only community I found is the social group I attend now, I'm certainly not looking for an intimate male relationship but most in the group aren't anyway, we don't have name tags with our sexual preferences and as most of us know most CDers aren't gay , they are more likely to be straight or possibly bi .

[ginapoodle]

Meaningful thread, thank you. I have always wondered about the GLB views on gender fluid individuals.

I have had the experience of being dressed to kill in Portland, and receiving gay male attention. It felt good, and complementary.

[Fiona123]

Gay, bi, lesbian, trans, and feminist (both male and female), we all have a common foe, that is the cisgender male patriarchy.

[phili]

Thanks for all the feedback, and especially Ceera for your generous and thorough account. That makes sense to me, and corroborates my experience as well. My conclusion if single would be that it's just a long shot for a crossdresser in any gender culture to find romantic attraction from others.

It would be interesting to hear from anyone who enrolled in a CD dating site, with regard to who came forward and wanted to have a real relationship, as opposed to a private and secret sex party.