Dealing with guilt, addiction, and inner-conflict

[flander]

Hello everyone!

As I'm sure a lot of you can relate with, I have been on the constant binge/purge cycle. To preface the rest of this post, I have fully accepted that my urges to crossdress will be part of me as long as I live. I'm not hiding that from anyone, including my girlfriend. She told me she isn't that big of a fan of my urges, but still accepts that it is a part of me. She believes the urges would be satisfied if we got married. We both are saving ourselves for marriage, so sexual release can really only be brought out by heavy making out. I only bring this up because the sexual energy I have left over manifests itself in fantasizing about crossdressing. I am worried that I would be unable to have a healthy sexual relationship with my future wife with these crossdressing urges in the mix, so I'm really trying to figure out how to healthily incorporate it into my life without being a slave to it.

I am in my early twenties, so I have done lots of exploration and experimentation with the crossdressing side of myself. I have gone to the most extreme last summer, which is full on girl, and moderate, which is just wearing panties under my clothes. I purged maybe a few weeks ago, and that was purging A LOT of items such as makeup, a wig, shorts, tops, dresses, and panties. At that point I felt it was too much stuff to have lying around and I felt very confused about myself. It was hurting me more than anything. Ultimately I did not feel comfortable doing the full-on appearance of a girl. It was good I got to experiment and figure that out, because my curiosity was killing me in that regard.

It's super frustrating, I start out thinking I have control over the clothing I buy/own, then I slowly start feeling that my desire to buy/wear girl clothing are abnormal and I need to cut it out of my life to solve problems immediately. I feel relief for a few weeks or so, then the urges inevitably come back to buy things. I rationalize with myself that I am going to control it, but it ends up controlling me, then I repeat the cycle over again.

I have a $5 coupon that is about to expire at a department store, and I was thinking about buying 5 pairs of panties today. I am still conflicted though. I know that I'm being driven by the high I will get when I wear them. It almost feels like an addiction. Some of you have much more wisdom about these feelings than I do, so I'm reaching out to ask what you would do to make myself at peace. I don't want this to affect my future family, but not completely suppress the desires either.

[XemmaX]

try just giving yourself a set time during the week and then restrict it just to then. it got me over my 'pink fog' as it taught me how to control myself abit but also to allow myself to enjoy it every so often.

[Bobbi46]

There is no guilt to be attached to the way each of us is. We are all different but having said that the "Pink fog" gets us all for a time, it did me a bit in that I felt that I did not have enough things round me but in fact I did. just take life in small steps let your inner self develop slowly and ride with the comfort that you are slowly creating for yourself that way you will appreciate what you have for yourself much better. But also taking into account what you have around you.

[Aunt Kelly]

I applaud your goal of finding a "healthy" way to incorporate dressing into your life. However, I know that I will be in good company when I tell you that whatever suppression of your urges you are expecting to come with marriage will very likely be only temporary. You have learned how powerful they can be and it is almost unheard of that they can be put aside indefinitely. I urge you to find that balance you seek now, whatever form that takes. If you SO is at peace with that, you are a very lucky cross dresser and you should make it your mission in life to keep that lady happy.

Best of luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Becky Blue]

Flander, if it makes you feel any better your situation is not uncommon. I agree with Kelly getting married will not change the way you feel. On the one hand you say you have accepted who you are but then your purging etc actually shows that perhaps you have not truly accepted.

You are very lucky to have found a partner who accepts you for who you are, but being married won't take your urges away. Also remember how you feel now about CDing etc may well ebb and flow over your life.

Good luck and remember that you have nothing to feel guilty about, you can't help how you feel

[alwayshave]

Flander, I have a normal sex life even though I crossdress. The two seldom intersect. You'll find that you get older the need to dress will increase and become less sexual.

[CarlaWestin]

At your age, there's still a lot of searching and self loathing going on. With age and maturity you will achieve a status of self acceptance. For a lot of us, the gift of gender exploration celebrated and appreciated although compartmentalized. Just enjoy all parts of your life and never ever consider yourself as a victim.

[Sandin Meknickers]

Can only say things change. At your age I was convinced I needed to be a woman. I was on a lot of drugs though and that part of me got thrown out with a lot of things when I had an intervention with myself. Years on, here I am with many beautiful memories I wouldn't have had young me got their way.

Life is a synthesis. Becoming. We can't know our future selves so best to keep all doors open.

[Tracii G]

If things keep repeating themselves then stop with the mindset you have that is letting that happen.
If it didn't work in the past what makes you think it will next time?
Getting married isn't going to change you and most girls her age think that marriage will "fix" their man and it never does.
I wouldn't get married right now until you figure out who you are with some gender therapist sessions.
You have too many unsettled issues right now that need to be resolved you know it and so do the rest of us.
Going into a marriage is a big deal and she does not deserve to be saddled with your issues and baggage.

[Jenny22]

What Tracy G said is spot on. I'd suggest that each of you go to a gender therapist separately to discuss the issue, then go together. It has to be resolved before you marry, because your feelings and the pink fog will never go away ... never!
You may want to let her know that you've joined this forum for advice from others who have been where you are now.She may respect that. Then there's the FAB forum that, if she also joins, can be a source of how other females deal with the issue.

Your youthfulness is a blessing. Finances for therapy may be a challenge. Check with a local college or university to see if such therapy is available at low cost or free.

Good luck to both of you!

[Dana44]

Will additionally say that if you know it comes back. Do not purge and get yourself a therapist to figure some of the conflicting thoughts out. Do not get married until your love yourself for who you are and there are women who love us. they are fewer, but you can look for one when the time is right. Now you have a very conflicting mindset. So see a therapist.

[Lisa Roberts]

Dana is spot on. Get some professional advice, not to be "cured" but to learn to love yourself first. Participating on this Forum really helps. A zillion years of real life experiences!!
Lace and Smiles!
Lisa

[Stephanie47]

[QUOTE=flander;4090253]
She told me she isn't that big of a fan of my urges, but still accepts that it is a part of me. She believes the urges would be satisfied if we got married.
QUOTE]

This statement concerns me. If your girlfriend believes or you believe marriage and a marital sexual relationship will kill your desires to wear women's clothing that is misguided. If you have been reading similar threads on this site for any length of time, you'd encounter numerous posts of men who thought getting married would end cross dressing. It may for some period of time, but, it will return. I would ask your girl friend what she will feel if after marriage you still have these urges. Will she feel like a failure because she did not "cure" you? Will it become an issue? When I read you and she are "saving" yourselves for marriage that would imply some religious tenets that you are following. Is wearing women's clothing something she will always tolerate or will it become an issue?

Purging will not help. Others made the suggestion of counseling. I concur. Really more so for your girl friend than you. You need it to resolve any inner conflicts you have so you can accept yourself. She needs to realize this will be a lifelong commit she will need to accept.