Telling Male Friends vs Female Friends

[Eva Bella]

Hey everyone,

I've been pretty out with my gender fluidity and I'm working to get more comfortable with telling people about it. My SO, most of her friends, a few of my friends, and a few of my family members know. I've told strangers when it's relevant too (workers at Sephora, Nail Salons, etc).

I try to keep it easygoing and just tell them that I enjoy expressing my feminine side and presenting as a female a few days a week. I don't make it a big deal and will show them pics if they're interested.

I have noticed a trend though. Every female friend and family member has reacted REALLY well. Very supportive, very happy, and curious. I've had a lot of fun GNO's with them and we all get along great. But I've gotten a uniformly cold response from my male friends. These are pretty progressive guys.. one of them is bisexual, the others are super liberal. They don't have any issues with the LGBT community as I would ever know. But they've become really distant after I tell them.

Has this happened to anyone else? I'm wondering if there's a way to tell them which avoids this, but maybe it's inevitable. Not the end of the world as I have a ton of new friends "in the scene."

[Dana44]

Females seem to be far more accepting. Men seem tor not taking to us after they find out. But a few will.

[Teresa]

Eva,
Many men have hidden secrets or thoughts they can't come to terms with, when you tell them it's slightly scary that they may be found out or admit that to their own problems. I'm afraid we're back the scenario of what society expects of a man.

Most of the people that know about me are women and not one has turned their back on me , in fact I have more female friends now than I ever had before I came out, they love my pictures and talking about clothes with me.

[SometimesKairi]

In my experience, men are mostly reactive and keen to keep up the appearances of masculinity.
Me man, me smash Tokyo kinda thing.

So when a male friend tells them that they have been dressing they panic because they can't rationalise it.
Their immediate though (remember only from my experiences) is that this person is gay.
A LOT of men I know are very homophobic.

[Tama]

"Me man, me smash Tokyo kinda thing."

HAHAHA good one, too funny...whoops, ok going now Thanks!

[Leslie Mary S]

here abouts, so many males don't even want to think of themselves in a dress, even if it is a sack dress and part of a special staged skit, let alone even trying on that dress. They are afraid their male friends will tease them to no end for doing it.
I wonder what they would do if their SO said something like "Honey, would you put on a dress and do that skit to show me that you love me?"

[bridget thronton]

I have not told any males (except my son and son in law) but I have several female friends who know and all are accepting

[Tama]

Kidding aside, I have only Females who know the truth...Can't think of any men I wouldn't have a problem with...shame ain't it?

[Sandin Meknickers]

I wouldn't be surprised if some take a while to adjust. People are hipocrites- not to say they are bad. Just we all feel for the homeless but few of us take them in. Some of us will give a little change maybe, a token.

Also, I think you're naive if you think your "secret" is kept by all those you have told.

[Kiwi Primrose]

Similar experience here. My son and my female family and friends are interested, supportive and even give me presents of earrings and perfume. Men don't want to know.

[Sandin Meknickers]

Is this something we expect other people to want/need to know?

[Aunt Kelly]

This is an interesting question. My theory is that it's not so much the nature of the revelation as it is the revelation itself. Sharing something so profound and personal is a serious breach of guy protocol. We just don't do that. Add to that the obvious issues homophobia and such, and it's easy to see such a revelation putting a chill on most inter-guy relationships.

[Rogina B]

Hey everyone,

But they've become really distant after I tell them.

Has this happened to anyone else? I'm wondering if there's a way to tell them which avoids this, but maybe it's inevitable. Not the end of the world as I have a ton of new friends "in the scene."
It is "their problem",not yours. And many of those guys would be chasing your butt down Hollywood Blvd based on your FB picture posts ! Phobia is what holds acceptance back. Most men are "uncomfortable" with us because most men have never given "gender" a moment of thought.

[Beverley Sims]

I have always wondered whether girls are inviting you into the fold and guys are jealous of how good you look as a girl. :-)

You do need to think this one out.

[alwayshave]

I have many male friends, while there are many who would be accepting..... However, I'm generally a private person, so no need to tell.

[Tracii G]

To say one is more accepting than the other is foolish.
I have found women that will be disgusted and call you names and guys as well but there have been stories here of telling an old guy friend and they accept it.
Gender makes no difference in the accepting its the person and their inner bigotry that does make a difference.
So if you decide to tell be ready to get accepted or told you are a sick pervert. 50/50 chance and the person you tell their gender has nothing to do with it.

[sometimes_miss]

Is this something we expect other people to want/need to know?
We simply wish to be able to speak to others about things that trouble us, without being treated like lepers after we give up the knowledge about what we do. I don't want/need to know that my friend had erectile dysfunction, but when the topic came up at the lodge, I'm sure he expected me to accept that it didn't make him less of a man just because the parts don't work as well as they used to.
Since the Caitlyn Jenner revelation, it's become common knowledge that even the most successful males might be not entirely straight, which has caused a lot of men to question their own sexuality, whether they will admit it to anyone else, or not.
If they are truly our friends, and if it's something that's bothering us, then yes, they do need to know. I've never turned my back on a friend with any type of problem, and it upsets me that I can't bring this up because my friends are all ignorant right wing homophobes who would hate me if they knew that I'm a crossdresser. I understand it's because of how they were brought up, and during what era; that doesn't mean that I have to like it.

[SometimesKairi]

I have always wondered whether girls are inviting you into the fold and guys are jealous of how good you look as a girl. :-)

You do need to think this one out.

My GG friends are VERY jealous of my legs. They've been asking just how I do it.
I don't know. I work on my feet and walk a lot I guess
More accepting? In general I think so, especially younger girls who grew up around gender equality

[Amanda Monica]

Teresa,
You hit the nail on the head. Many men may be supportive in general, but it's different when it hits close to home. I'm guessing unresolved issues for some. And not knowing which "box" to put us in, especially if we present as a woman, but are not attracted to men. Yet if they find our appearance attractive, what "box" does that put them in? It's confusing enough for me, I can imagine for them.

[kimdl93]

telling others...or just being seen... is unavoidable if one wishes to live openly.

in my personal experience most strangers have no problem, probably because they have nothing invested in a relationship. Female friends have been the easiest again, I suppose because they don't lose anything. Male friends do seem more perplexed.

[Amanda Monica]

Eva Bella,
It is an interesting question. Some amateur psychologist thoughts...I think part of it relates to socialization, which we all go through and forms us at an early age. I can only speak for myself, but back in ancient times, the public appearance (let alone acceptance) of a crossdressing M2F, would have been on par with the Loch Ness monster. So no experience, no paradigm, with anything other than the classic binary. I'm guess the other part may be related to the length and nature of our relationship with (already-existing) male friends. If you've spent years, or maybe decades, relating to each other as nothing other than a "typical" male, and all of sudden your friend announces that he will now be presenting as a she, what does that mean to both of you, if anything. There's an aspect of status too. Let's face it, we (as) males don't want to be teased by other guys. So it's easier to simply avoid the new relationship pothole by driving along a distant road than have to do the work of resolving the new information with our own psyche, and as Teresa mentioned earlier, their own unresolved identity/sexuality issues. Perhaps an opportunity for education.

Interesting timing on the question actually, since I will be putting your question to the test. I have been coming out all week to my immediate neighbors. Which has given me enough confidence to come out to an old best (male) friend when we meet for lunch next week. We've know each for decades since teen years, almost as long as I have been CDing. Grew up in the same close-knit community, we've traveled chased girls together, he was best man at my wedding, etc. I have in my favor that he's a very liberal guy, but can sometimes be rigid personally. So it will be an interesting lunch, since this will be coming out of the blue. If he really will have a problem with my revelation, then it's likely that he has some issues and not me. Wouldn't want to lose him as a long-time friend, but it's time to be me.

Back to your post...I'm making new friends as well, so that rather compensates for any potential loss.

[barbara gordon]

Hi Eva.
I started telling more and more people and the reaction has mostly been good . But i do use a slower approach to telling male friends vs female friends for the exact reason that you describe . I have been outing my self very slowly and carefully.
Meeting new female friends i am more likely to just tell them in very casual terms . If they see that i am comfortable with it then they will likely be comfortable with it too . Also it is true that most People really cant keep secrets . Especially with this type of info . Male friends might be more accepting if they see gg friends to be accepting . In a way its possible to let your girlfriends do some of the talking and introducing of the idea of crossdressing to the men who dont get it.

[Stacy Darling]

I could be seen as being sexist but I'm Female friendly when it comes to talking to people about my dressing.

My doctor and health care professionals know that I am more comfortable around women and will open up to women more than men.(unless the male is bi or gay and obviously here I sit talking with other crossdressers!)

Just the way I've always been, Just me!
Stacy!

[daenna]

I have shared with a few female friends and my doc (who is also female) ...but ... I can't even imagine sharing with any male friends.

[Eva Bella]

Thanks so much for all of the responses everyone! Great to know that I'm not the only one feeling this:


I wouldn't be surprised if some take a while to adjust. People are hipocrites- not to say they are bad. Just we all feel for the homeless but few of us take them in. Some of us will give a little change maybe, a token.

Also, I think you're naive if you think your "secret" is kept by all those you have told.

I think that you're right, it may just take some time. And no, I'm not really expecting any of them to keep the secret. It's pretty much not a secret. I don't announce it to anyone, but I'm not ashamed in any way, and I really don't mind is people find out. They can judge if they want to. After I told my SO, I relaxed about telling anyone else.


This is an interesting question. My theory is that it's not so much the nature of the revelation as it is the revelation itself. Sharing something so profound and personal is a serious breach of guy protocol. We just don't do that. Add to that the obvious issues homophobia and such, and it's easy to see such a revelation putting a chill on most inter-guy relationships.

We're pretty close, and these guys (there's been four of them) aren't really the typical "dudes" at a sports bar. They're all artists and creatives, they've dealt with depression and relationship issues, I've seen two of them cry in front of me.

The "gay" thing often comes from ignorance, and it's not necessarily malicious. For true mainstream people, they'll associate any males who deviate from the norm as gay.. because in their experience, gay guys are the only ones who would do that. These men in question didn't assume that I was gay, but did ask if I was going to transition into a woman.


I have always wondered whether girls are inviting you into the fold and guys are jealous of how good you look as a girl. :-)

You do need to think this one out.

Actually, the looks thing may be an issue. As a girl, I pretty much only wear tight cocktail dresses. Always arms and legs on display. It's not trashy, but it's definitely a sexy look, and my body somehow makes more sense in girl mode. I've had other trans friends that told males in their life, but their look is more conservative. I've been told that I look surprisingly good as a girl, and that might be freaky or a bit intimidating for them.


To say one is more accepting than the other is foolish.
I have found women that will be disgusted and call you names and guys as well but there have been stories here of telling an old guy friend and they accept it.
Gender makes no difference in the accepting its the person and their inner bigotry that does make a difference.
So if you decide to tell be ready to get accepted or told you are a sick pervert. 50/50 chance and the person you tell their gender has nothing to do with it.

Sorry, I have to disagree there. Although it's dependent upon the individual, I think that women are more likely to be accepting and encouraging of "our thing" than men.

And for my male friends in question, I'm not going to call them a bigot. I changed in a very huge way, and maybe they're just not comfortable with it. Accepting might be the wrong word.. as they do accept it. They weren't nasty or reactionary. It put a chill on our friendship though, but that can happen for all sorts of reasons. I guess that we're growing apart due to this, but it could have been something else.

It's interesting that it appeared to be a slow burn for a two of them. The first guy that I told is bisexual.. I figured that he was "safe" because I know for a fact he's been intimate with two actual male celebrities (whose name shall be withheld, haha). I told him and he looked confused, but okay with it. After a while he relaxed and we laughed, and he said that he wants to join our crew for Girls Night Out. But then I invited him about 5-6 times, and he blew it off every time. Before then, he was pretty reliable with hanging out. Made me realize that a line in the sand was drawn and perhaps our friendship was over.

[Lana Mae]

I am only out to my son, my daughter and my sister in law. Recently have resumed contact with my best friend from my past! (found each other on Facebook) He wants to come visit in the fall! I am not out to him and he has no idea! Still debating coming out to him as we were macho men, also he is bringing his wife along! I am not sure about how she is or anything about her! I could not tell but will have to have everything hidden while they are visiting and hope I leave nothing out that they could discover. The good thing is I have until fall to make up my mind! Hugs Lana Mae

[Brandy Mathews]

Women definitely take it a lot better then almost all men, I think. But I do have to think that there are some men that are probably doing the same thing that we do but don't want to be found out so of course they have to put us down or make stupid jokes about it.
Bree ;)

[Rogina B]

I have many male friends, while there are many who would be accepting..... However, I'm generally a private person, so no need to tell.

I am an "out " person. I agree with Traci in that gender is never a guarantee. To kick it up a notch, join in a GNO and "compete" for the "attention" of a guy that happens to be in the venue.. Everything is cool,till it isn't !

- - - Updated - - -


Hi Eva.
Male friends might be more accepting if they see gg friends to be accepting . In a way its possible to let your girlfriends do some of the talking and introducing of the idea of crossdressing to the men who dont get it.

For some of us,"It isn't crossdressing"..We are TG and need the freedom to live live as we see fit...

[TrishaTX]

I have only told a few women and no men. I doubt I will extend it much further...to stressful and why would I? men are threatened , if someone finds out then they are "gay" or "bi" as well. Just the way it is I think, so why bother....

[Meghan4now]

While I tend to think that maybe women are more accepting, I've heard just as many negative comments about CDS and TGS from women when the room was unaware of the presence of one.

Maybe women are just better liars then men? Or maybe when confronted with reality, they give people more room to move, thus avoiding conflict?

[VioletDoll]

I can think of plenty women I would tell if I really had to.. men, I can think of one.. maybe two.. and they're gay, and maybe the only reason I might tell them is so they'd stop booty texting me..
(In theory)

[Rogina B]

Since the Caitlyn Jenner revelation, it's become common knowledge that even the most successful males might be not entirely straight, which has caused a lot of men to question their own sexuality, whether they will admit it to anyone else, or not.


Gender and sexuality are TWO different things and I thnk you know better than to mix them up! Especially in the case of CJ !She is a perfect example of being conflicted..in many ways. lol

[Amanda Monica]

While I tend to think that maybe women are more accepting, I've heard just as many negative comments about CDS and TGS from women when the room was unaware of the presence of one.

Maybe women are just better liars then men? Or maybe when confronted with reality, they give people more room to move, thus avoiding conflict?

I hadn't thought about the last part of your post, but it makes sense. Better to let it go, nod and smile, and not enter into conflict about it. At least for some.

[Ressie]

I don't tell men friends that I CD. But this thread just got me thinking... I've told a couple of women that I got into serious relationships with. What I'm thinking is that they told others - including some of my male friends. I have my reasons for coming to this conclusion.

I also think that women aren't more accepting than men are. Maybe they're just more likely to not reveal how they really feel about it. There's very little chance of a woman getting into a physical fight over the matter which is why (subconsciously) it's easier to tell them IMO.

After writing this^ I just saw Meghan's post!

[SHINY-J]

I've only opened up about my dressing to 3 women... and the outcome wasn't good with any of them.. and I want asking to transform into a woman or even go out in public places as a woman... I explained that my dressing was strictly for sexual pleasure and I just wanted to share it with them and nobody else and keep it as our secret - something innocuous a that could possibly bring us closer together by being more open and honest... I only wanted to dress at home while having sex and nothing more... I wasn't asking to lounge around the house in girl clothes... spend entire weekends fully dressed... etc.. just in the bedroom... Not a single one of them accepted it, understood it, or gave it a chance... the very moment after I told them, it was like some unseen Line had been crossed. And things would never be the same again...

So I may be one of the few that has a contrary view on male reaction vs female reaction...

First off,... I definitely think that opening up to women that you aren't dating about dressing will go over SIGNIFICANTLY better than vs male friends... but if it's a wife, or g/f maybe not so much... in my few experiences, they are just fine and dandy with guy, tg, cd, tv, etc... until their man says he's into it... for the women I was with, it was completely UNACCEPTABLE... but anytime I had seen their reaction to a trans person whether on tv, or in person, they always seemed supportive. - for lack of a better word... two of them when we saw a trans person actually said that they wished they had a "gay friend" as they put it:straightface: but I knew what they meant... they thought it would be fun to have a guy to,do,all,of the gurly things with... but sadly... it's almost like they wanted to use them as a type of toy. .. more of something to amuse them, as opposed to actually being their friend... still, none of that love, kindness, excitement, or support was evident when I told them about my dressing...


Now guys, on the other hand.., While they might be shocked and taken aback, I don't necessarily think they would flip out and start throwing punches.., at least not the guys I know... then again, I'm 6'3" and 230lbs.... I'm not really fight-pickable,,, lol... I think the worst case scenario would be that they just sorta drift away..... which is what I could see many of my guy acquaintances and, sadly, a few of my guy friends doing... if I wanted to go public with my dressing.

Luckily, I don't really feel the need to open up about it because my dressing is strictly a fetish. If it were a lifestyle choice determining my sexuality, gender, etc... then it would be different.., I wouldn't want to live a lie for the rest of my life hiding how I truly felt and who I wanted to be... that's why will normally be on board with people going public if they want to come out as trans... whether it be cd, tg, tv, ts, or whatever people call it or don't call it... hiding for the sake of others just robs you of life experiences that you deserve...

For example... not to get people riled up over politics, but If I'm a democrat and I grew up surrounded by republicans who I just didn't talk politics with and kept my liberal feelings and beliefs secret... why would I spend the rest of my life pretending to be a republican, secretly voting democrat, and trying to hide it? It's not illegal to be a democrat ... why should I contain my beliefs and my values that I'm entitled to? Even if they ousted me, I know there are other democrats out there who I can get along with and make new friendships and experiences...

I truly feel for those on here who struggle with that because I know it's easier said than done.... and I know that because mymdressing is a fetish and not a "way of life", it's completely different... I don't open up,about my dressing because it's a fetish only... I wouldn't tell anyone if I was secretly fascinated with an adult baby fetish... or if I secretly obsessed over feet.... so mymdresing is strictly for sexual pleasure.,, why would I tell them about that either?

I guess it also,depends on where you live and the family and friends you grew up with..,

As far as the OP, I'm not sure why some of your male friends seemed to grow cold after you told them... it's hard for me to guess because I don't really run in those circles... and I don't mean that in a derogatory way.., I simply don't have any trans people that I work with or close friends that I know... there are acquaintances from Facebook and people that I've met before.. and I've always been accepting of them. But I'm not sure what the reaction was that they got from others...

It's easy for me to,say that I would be open to it because I secretly dress too.. if a friend opened up to me about it, I would immediately rush to the closet and get changed into a girly outfit for them!

But in all seriousness, I would try opening up to guys pretty cautiously... I have my profile and pics on a few different online sites and I can't even begin to count how many men have reached out to me over the years... and I'm sure many have been married... many had girlfriends or significant others... many claimed to be straight... etc... there were even several contacts from guys that I knew of- not close friends- but I had met them before in "guy" mode... and they I know two of them were married and a couple of others had girlfriends... but they were cruising for sex and they think a "tranny is an easy lay"... so they see my pics with my outrageous boobs, heels, boots, outfits, etc.. and "I'm everything they love about women , but everything they understand about men"... or,so they think anyways... I'm willing to bet that if you anonymously sent pics and a message, out to your guy friends on FB, twitter, email, tinder, etc... of you dressed up looking hat and posing sexy, that you'd get more responses back than you think... honestly... I'm curious.... how many responses do you think you'd get?

I guess if they thought you were hot and you made out with them, that they'd accept you! Lol... but I think many guys are afraid that you'll show up to watch the football,game on Sunday in a sundress and heels... that you'll go to the bars with them and tpeveryine willl think you're dating... etc... But secretly, I think many of them - deep down inside, would feel for you and accept you.., but they may not feel like they can dpshiw it without fear of losing their place/status in "their little world"... it's sad.. but at least society has seemed to consistently become more accepting and tolerant... one day, we We will all get there... it may not be in our lifetime, but one day people will look,back on this thinking it was as silly and ignorant to not accept trans people, as we look back and are amazed how everyone in the 1930s and 40s though smoking cigarettes was good for your health...

[mechamoose]

I also find that women are far more accepting of the desire to express feminine traits. If you think about it, it makes some sense. You are an XY stepping out of the traditional mold and stepping closer to THEM. The opposite is true for your XY friends. You are stepping away from what they know into an area they don't understand. Not only don't they understand it, they can't imagine why you would want to do it.

I have an awesome set of male friends, and they *still* had a minor wig-out when I showed up to game night in a skirt. On another occasion on a rather warm day I showed up in a very conservative brown cami. They were like 'it's women's clothing!'. To which I said 1) its comfortable, and 2) it isn't women's clothing, it's my clothing. I bought it.

(I think I owe Eddie Izzard a Nickel for every time I say that, but I'm not sure.)

<3

- MM

[Sandin Meknickers]

MM. Executive transvestite?

[Tama]

They were like 'it's women's clothing!'. To which I said 1) its comfortable, and 2) it isn't women's clothing, it's my clothing. I bought it.

Thanks MM, your my hero!

[mechamoose]

Sand: Yep, that would be the one.

Interesting thought.. there is no TV forum here. Members of our world but not quite.

My wife has been asking me about the differences between CD/TS/TG of late, probably due to the fact that I have talked with her about considering hormones. It has me thinking about it as well. Funny that TV isn't part of the discussions.

[barbara gordon]

Hi Rogina- thank you for the alert on "crossdressing" term. I do consider myself to be TG as well. We all have our own licences with these terms.
My point was to suggest that genetic females who are accepting of any presentation of mtf can help to explain the ok-ness of male to female presentation to males who are not so accepting of any mtf identified people.

[Rogina B]

Barbara Gordon,Surrounding yourself with people that get it is always the best way to teach acceptance to others. Sometimes,you have to settle for one or two good companions.. I enjoy these teaching moments.

[Gendersoul16]

Hi Its Erin

Yes, my female friends are accepting and supportive for the most part. My male friends, particularly the long time friends from my childhood and young adulthood, are very much NOT into me presenting as a female. My female friends are great! Particularly those whom I've been intimate with! They go out with me dressed. They know I have a female energy and nature. My male friends seem threatened. It might be the thought of sex......homosexual vs heterosexual. Most friends are straight men. I do see that my few bi and gay friends are more open, but not as much as the women. Its the weaving of sexuality, orientation and gender I presume. Society's rules. Also, maybe, how a lot of heterosexual men view women as sex objects, as they are influenced by the media. So when they think of me as a sex object, its very confusing! That's my take on it but I'd like to know more........