Lily (sort of) Meets The Parents

[Lily Catherine]

I'm not sure where I'm supposed to post this, so... the main forum.

I apologise if the title is a misrepresentation. In the least likely of circumstances, I finally spoke to my parents about Lily, but not as Lily. (I wish for the latter, but I wouldn't.) They weren't angry - perhaps emphatic, extremely worried, but trying not to show it. I openly admitted to them that I was feeling very conflicted about the issue (even myself I admit to being unsure, even now, of my motivations for adopting a female persona? identity? for myself, the clothing being all I could discuss with anything resembling certainty). I don't feel too comfortable in my own body - I even don't like getting erections, mind you - but it's something I've conditioned myself to live with because I dare not mess with God's will. (I only make this accusation of myself.)

My father showed me a photo of myself in a suit, taken barely a two weeks ago, and remarked on how handsome I looked - how manly I was - and that it would be remarkably absurd for me to try to forsake all that and let Lily (not mentioned by name even once) come to light instead. He claims that since I, James, already have issues socialising and few friends, I will probably not have anyone left now if I threw the doors wide open. Even I acknowledge that when I am out as Lily, I would be one hell of a tomboy. The least I can do in the short term is probably not to crossdress, but I genuinely doubt that will solve anything in the long run, as it stands.

I am seeking counselling anonymously for now. My parents still acknowledge me as their son, a college student with everything to lose (don't we all have?). Mum definitely far from thinks I'm pretty - much the opposite - she thinks I look "weird", natural as I think I may be. She also considers me ungrateful for harbouring the thought of being out as Lily - it simply goes against the man she raised me to be, and I, to some degree, understand where she is coming from with this. I, after all, am the only child and thus my parents' greatest investment.

As much as I want to move on the soonest I can - I first and foremost have my studies ahead of me - I believe this subject warrants frequent discussion with them, not matter how thorny it may become from here.

Cultural note: my parents live with me; government housing is only available at the age of 35. In Singapore, adult children living with their parents is somewhat common, if not encouraged - but it is still the norm to move out on gaining financial independence, typically a few years after college. It is a social expectation to take care of one's aging parents, something which I (will) do proudly.

Addendum
It bears note that my family sees it no differently from addiction, albeit fallaciously referring to gay sex as well in the same boat as smoking or illegal narcotics. I've had to correct them on this matter. They are otherwise (surprisingly at that) inexplicably accepting of me being bisexual, although they do hope that I get a girlfriend (gay marriage is still not recognised otherwise.)

This isn't the first discussion, but I initiated this one myself.

[Sandin Meknickers]

I kind of understand why they are cool with you being bi. I think it profiundly odd to deny or inhibit procreative activity - this post vasectomy and reversal and trying for another. Being bi and procreation aren't mutually exclusive. In most religions we are encouraged to be fruitful. Nature reinforces this. For all the freedom we think we have, the right to breed is the only one that continues unfettered by social machines.

We get what we get. I no more understand gay love than murder, golf or people who buy apple products. Not everybody can suspend their reality well enough to understand that of others. You've been seeing this in yourself for years, they haven't. Even with acceptance, they are probably accepting something dfiferent to what you want them to.

Seems like you've got a fairly decent set of rents. Finish your studies.

[JeanetteX]

Wow Lily, what a heartfelt story and I admire your courage for coming out to your parents. However, from what I understand (English still isn't my native language LOL) you still have a lot of obstacles to overcome, and I wish you all the best with that. Good luck girl and keep us posted please.

Jeanette

[Athena_]

or people who buy apple products.

I nearly spit out my tea reading this.


Lily, I commend your efforts with your parents. I can't imagine how hard it was for you. Good Luck.

[TG-Taru]

People often don't like and fear change, so rejecting something like that can be a gut reaction. Your parents worry and fear for you, and don't want you to make costly mistakes. If you feel not doing something is worse and dressing or making other changes outweighs the risks, explain this to them. A parent can feel like losing a child, a friend the person they know. Or they might understand they aren't replaced or removed just because the look or form changes, possibly resulting in a happier, better functioning person. Become more social, get more friends, be a better friend?

By my logic,You, or your feelings, are not wrong. So at least don't worry about that. What you might do about them might also be how it's meant to. If there is a purpose, it might at the least be to give you some insight and compassion when encountering people that are somehow different. Maybe by discussing this, or going out there, teach your surroundings tolerance, acceptance, mercy, love. Maybe something else or more... Who knows?

Just do your best figuring out how you feel and what to do, show, tell, or not. You don't have to be perfect about it. If you believe it to be for the best, all in all (not forgetting yourself), I'd say you can be at peace with it.

[Dana44]

Sometimes it is very hard for parents understanding the man they raised. However you brought it up with them and one never knows what they really think and in time they might change their mind. Finish your studies and and find you own way. I had to beat to my own drum all of my life. My parents never understood. It works.

[Aunt Kelly]

Thank you for sharing that story, Lily. That was very important and a very, very brave thing, sharing that with your family. My esteem for your character has increased markedly after reading your account. Given all the cultural challenges you face, living where you do, I hope you can get the support you need from your family.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Lana Mae]

Thanks for sharing! I hope you can gain some support from your family! I realize this is very difficult and wishing and praying for a good outcome! Hugs Lana Mae

[Ellie Summer]

Lily,
Thank you for taking the time to write this up, and I'm sorry to hear that your experience with your parents wasn't more fruitful. I appreciate how thoughtful you are about this, and how much you love your parents regardless of their lack of acceptance. I certainly hope that it doesn't get in the way of who you are and what makes you happy. Can I ask if your counselling is helpful to your situation?
All the best.
-E

[TrishaTX]

It sounds to me like culturally this is a major issue and from what I know about where you are from this confirms my suspicion. I would say to take it slow with them, they actually didn't have a terrible reaction so maybe time and understanding will help. I wish you luck and am empowered by your strength!

[IleneD]

Bless you for your courage, Lily.
Often speaking to the ones closest to us is the hardest form our honesty can take.

Keep educating them, and speaking to them.

[Lily Catherine]

Hi all, thanks for your comments so far. If any very significant progress does occur from here it'll probably occur after I graduate. My family doesn't seem to accept the narrative of inevitability I initially peddled to them - they think inevitability is beneath me (and of course I am the master of my fate). I suspect they're either in denial, or sincerely believe that gender dysphoria is akin to smoking, doing drugs and the likes. They're sincerely doing the best they can to understand, based on their worldview, their views of their only son, and their own experiences - and for that, I commend them and can't thank them enough, no matter their views.

Ellie - As regards my counselling, it was initially useful when I had someone to talk to and discuss before I reached out to anyone else off this forum. I'm not too sure I'm seeing the same person repeatedly, though - that's the downside.

TrishaTX - I am confident that we are at the cusp of change, but change is meaningless until it is met with acceptance - something which I can push for but never, ever force. Singapore being Singapore, we only seem to change our social landscape after the rest of the world. I for one am also quite conservative by Singaporean standards - my church doesn't help matters and I am even more unwilling to forsake my religion.

[ClosetED]

Congratulations to having an open discussion with your parents - I'm sure that was hard. But saying you are handsome, but can't also be pretty is not fair.
Consider
Stav Strashko
Casey Legler
Elliott Sailors
Andrej Pejic
Erika Lindner
http://www.ranker.com/list/most-interesting-androgynous-faces-v2/lauren-slocum

All education about this takes time to sink in. Keep trying.
Hugs, Ellen