Wife reading up on CD-ers

[Judy-Somthing]

Wife been reading up on CD-ers, says I'll never stop and I'll need time to dress now and then.
She says she'll never accept living with a CD-er.
I haven't dressed in two months now and don't want to loose her.
CD-ing is fun but it's a small part of me and If I can get happiness back in my marriage I'm pretty sure I can stop.
Right now the Pink Fog is at about 5%.
I find it hard to understand why she's so angry.
Really, what's so bad about it?

[Lisa Roberts]

So sorry Judy. Unenviable position to be in. It's just the tip of the iceberg. My situation was very similar. A GOOD Counselor really helped us. Moving very slowly, but going the right direction. Best of luck to you both.
Lace and Smiles,
Lisa

[Kelly DeWinter]

Everyone's spouse is so different. The stories here could fill an encyclopedia. Since she's reading up, I asked Jeannie what made up her mind. She said it was reading MY Husband Betty and watching the film Just Like a Woman. She found one scene particularly interesting, When they went to a CD/TG gathering and some of the other wives discussed what 'it' was all about. I had to rewatch the film to understand that the reason it resonated was because it was just GG's getting together and having a heart to heart conversation.

[DIANEF]

I've been following your situation with a lot of interest Judy, as I am a very long time closet dresser and I think my wifes reaction if she found out may just be the same as your wifes. If I'm honest I think the fact I kept it such a secret would be more hurtful to her than the actual fact I dressed, and as the saying goes,'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' The argument of telling or not telling has been well covered, the unfortunate fact is that some women can accept a CDer in their life, and some just can't. I haven't done the big reveal, I don't like the situation but the consequences of doing so don't bear thinking about. You're a very long time cross dresser, could you really stop?, and would the happiness you mention last...Keep us posted
Diane.

[char GG]

Maybe you have already done this but it may be time to focus on telling her how you feel about her. Do you love her more than anything or if push came to shove would you leave her over CDing? Be truthful with her because that is what she will want to know. Don't make promises that you can't or won't keep. Don't be resentful if YOU decide to stop CDing.

Reading up on CDing is good and bad because there are too many situations. Only you and your wife know your situation. You find it hard to understand why she is angry. You need to find out why. Did you tell her after you married? If so, does she feel trapped in a relationship that she didn't bargain for? (One of my friends who didn't find out about her husband's CDing until after they were married, told me exactly that). Do you behave differently to her when you are CD'ed? Are you keeping other secrets? All of those things need to be addressed.

I hope you both find answers. Best of luck to you and your wife.

[IleneD]

Just for the record..... [if I ever faced a choice of CD or my marriage].

Wife; she stays. Always. Disposing of soulmates is not authorized.
I'd hate it. I'd miss it terribly. It would not be comfortable. But I'd give up CD long before I give her up.

[dawn459]

Happiness comes when
Both partners are on the
Same page and striving for
A reachable goal.True happiness comes when
You find a couple who uses prayer to direct their
Decisions in life. We aii wil
Understand each other
In our sweet bye&bye.

- - - Updated - - -

Wives should join the forum llearn that there
Are a lot of good people
Who could grow from their
Years of being a true GG
Such as fashion.trends
Makeup accessories shoes and what it takes
To prepair for the week
Not only clothes.laundry
But repairing torn &dammaged curtains.
So be honest tell the
Wife/So/GF they have
The oppertunnity then
To read &ask questions
That would benefit both
Situations. A home is
Atvpeace as long as
The SO is happy with
The situation.

[jennifer0918]

It's not about the pink fog,or how much percentage a human soul is made up of ,its who we are. This is why I always come back after a purge. I have tought of many scenerios in my mind about the talk with my SO,and one is that if she gives me the choice stop dressing or she will leave me, I will say well bye!I need to love me first before I can love anyone else. Sometimes the best way to test a heart is to let it go,and if it comes back then it was always yours and if doesn't come back it was never ment to be. Sure I would miss the kids my family but is it really worth to live sad?to be hiding a part of our soul? CDing is not like smoking or drinking ok let me put a a anti pink patch to control my urge to dress. I was born like this,period. Yes I'm guilty I lied ,but how could I explain to her something I didnt understand back then? Now I'm beginning to learn more about this fantastic life I have now I'm learning about my inner womanhood,remember we all start as female in the womb,there is nothing wrong with us,society says it. We are beautiful. ..

[Scarlett398]

I'm totally on board with where you're at on this one Ilene. If the choice between choosing between cross dressing and my wife, the wife would be the easy choice. I have had such a long and loving relationship with my wife and the clothes would be an easy replacement, but to find a another sexy redheaded jewel who accepts me and loves me for who I am just simply can't be replaced.

I believe I have finally reached the point where I can finally have both without having to lose one to the other. She knows I cross dress and with her it has to be on a very private level and only do it when she's at work or out of town on business. I think, as this time in our relationship, I would actually feel rather uncomfortable dressed as Scarlett with her. However, I do have fantasies of going out on a date with her as Scarlett or making love to her while I'm dressed as Scarlett, but I do think those fantasies will have to remain as fantasies and that's just fine with me.

That's my two cents for now, but I and totally relate to what Judy is going through. I thought that if you or I or anyone else got to a point where our wives were reading up on the subject of cross dressing, they would understand that the love for them will always be first in our lives and always come first above and beyond our cross dressing. I finally understand my wife is not thrilled with my cross dressing but has finally come to an understanding that it's an important part of who I am and realizes it has nothing to do with me being sexually attracted to anyone else (male or female) but her. She knows I enjoy dressing up as a girl but won't impose it on her in anyway she feels uncomfortable with. I still haven't had "The Talk" with her yet and that will be my next step in having her totally understand how long I have been doing it and why I do it. I am just waiting for the right time to bring up the more than sensitive subject but have an strong need to have an in depth conversation with her and answer any questions she may have about my desire to cross dress and why it's important to me. The reasons why we all cross dress vary as much as our individual personalities do. Each one of us are so different and have so many different goals to reach or reasons why we get a thrill out of wearing pretty girl's clothes.

I hope my notes here mirror other's reflections as to how they feel about the subject.

Take care and thanks for reading my notes. But I am with you, Ilene, our wives would be so much harder to replace than the clothes and if I ever have to make a decision to have one or the other, I'm staying with my loving wife without a doubt...Sincerely Scarlett

[Rachelakld]

Rather than trying to convince her CDers are bad
Be a real man - take over the house hold finances, tell her cooking and cleaning is her job, go out for long hours with the lads and come home drunk

[Sandin Meknickers]

Reading up is a double edged knife. She's getting an insight in to lives and personalities of some cross dressers. If there are a lot of gaps and questions regarding your own situation they get filled in with the first explaination she can rationalise. Note, I'm not suggesting any actual rationality here.

Also, my gf would be horrified at the suggestion of being dragged into a world of wives and girlfreinds. She has her own people to support her. They're not fine cross dressing stock but at least i know she has somewhere to go of she doesn't want to be here.

[kimdl93]

Nothing is so bad about it.

The anger is her instictive (fight or flight) response to what she deems to be threatening to her marriage, her image of herself and her image of you. CDing, despite her reading, remains an unfamiliar thing...therefore a threat. The problem is that her instincts aren't prepared for dealing with the many complexities and unknowns of cross dressing.

Try to expand the conversation about her thoughts...and how they are being shaped by fear. Perhaps she'll come to understand that fear is a poor basis for making any judgment.

[Rogina B]

Perhaps you can't. But,I doubt that you have really tried hard to explain yourself to her. Perhaps if she were to understand the "draw" and the strength of it for YOU, then she may change her outlook. There are "multi purgers" that have responded to this thread that have failed to "purge it from their lives". LOL People need to be honest with themselves as your urges may not go away for long and grow stronger and that will cause "sneaking" and when caught "broken promises"... Best to try to explain now.

[Teresa]

Judy,
I still feel she's expecting too much of you and you're expecting too much of yourself. She is expecting promises you can't keep long term, the nettle has to be grasped now. You have to think about your mental health and stability too .

I doesn't take much to read that between the lines , OK I admit I'm more down the road of making choices , my dressing has substituted my wife now we both know and realise this .If my wife makes it more difficult then a separation will probably happen I know how bad a mental state you can get into, to be forced to live in a marriage with that kind of pressure is unacceptable. It's not being selfish it's being realistic.

I'm not trying to be harsh but I've been in your situation, and I found the more you give in the more they will take, hoping your CDing has gone for good . Your wife is reading up on it so she should be realising the situation.

[sometimes_miss]

Really, what's so bad about it?

What's so bad about it? Well, it turns her life upside down. Women grow up believing that women are one way, men are another. They plan their life around those beliefs. Throw a wrench in it all, and it upsets everything; all of a sudden, nothing is secure, nothing is stable.
Some things that will go through her mind.
Her 'man' is no longer her man; he's something else, and she doesn't know what. She depended on you to be what she needed whenever she needed it, and now she feels she can't depend on you anymore, because she's not sure YOU know who and what you are. You like to dress like a girl, so maybe you want to be a girl? Like that Caitlyn Jenner person? Do you want to have sex with men? Are you attracted to women at all anymore? Or were you ever? Were you just fooling yourself, or intentionally fooling her? Why did you do this to her? All she wanted was a normal man, a regular husband; after all, she became what she was supposed to; why didn't you? Now what does she have? Are you going to leave her for a man? Are you going to become a woman?

Just a few things that have probably gone through her head. That's what's 'so bad about it'.

[kimdl93]

All these things are hypotheticals....not facts. I believe the term is catastrophizing. ...irrationally assuming the most extreme and negative possible outcomes. If you look at the probabilities , none of these extremes are likely. One can choose to fear Zika. Ebola, HIV and ISIS, or recognize that there is little likelihood of any such thing happening, and deal with the real and present.

[Teresa]

Lexi,
The problem is being to talk all those points through in a calm and adult manner, that is where DADT is so destructive we have to hide so much and not be honest with our needs.
Most of us know the answers to the basic questions, we know if we are attracted to men or not, we know if we still have male feelings towards women , I can clearly answer those what I can't answer is how female do I wish to be, that is a very tricky one and one I'm struggling with because of my DADT situation, If I was allowed to freely dress without any problems the answer may become clearer cut then we can be honest with ourselves and our partners.
I feel Judy is tying herself hands and feet to comply with her wife's wishes, some would say it's emotional blackmail, honesty has to come from both sides, OK she has said she won't live with a CDer, is that bluff to get her own way or true fact ? Judy has to get a clear answer to that one .
So many talk about love on the forum ,if a couple love each other enough they can work through problems like these . It's a question I've asked my wife so many times , how much does she really love me ? That goes back to before I came out, I have to accept some people have problems showing true love but at times it can hurt . The simple gesture of putting arms round someone and telling how much they love you , I could count on one hand in all my years of marriage , sometimes the hidden messages aren't enough .

[Stephanie47]

Judy, I suspect your wife will tell you "Real men don't do THAT!" If she is reading about cross dressing on what I call are legitimate sites, then she should realize you cannot stop. Or, if you do try to stop you'll turn into a raving bitch. There's hope. She hasn't thrown you or your stuff out yet.

[KarenCDFL]

My wife of over 20 years is very comfortable and even tells me to go dress up if I am feeling very stressed.

It did not start out like this. Three months into our dating, I had actually had broken it all of because I was scared of telling her all about something that I had been doing since I was a 2 to 3 year old.

I finally called her and telling her was the hardest thing I ever faced at that time.

If she was negative to the idea, then both of us would be able to move on and not ruin our lives.

Honestly, I knew I could not hide it and I would never stop.

The end result of my honesty and her ability to do a ton of research was us getting through the issue together and here we are all those years later and even though we have the good and bad of being in a long term marriage, the dressing is not part of any issue.

If I had hidden it and gotten married, we both could of ended up being miserable and divorce would have been the only answer.

[CD Tammy]

My second wife did not accept it and it was just one of the deal breakers in our marriage. The biggest one being that I'm an asshole but that is beside the point. After a decade, I'm dating again. I've actually outright told her that I have thing for pantyhose, tight clothing, and bondage. I didn't lay on her that I'd like to dress fully, yet. She has actually accepted it and embraced it on a limited basis. The limits, I can accept.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Wife been reading up on...
I find it hard to understand why she's so angry.
Really, what's so bad about it?

Judy,

"...why she's so angry."

Did you crossdress before you both got married? Did you tell her how often, how much, you enjoy being "Judy" before you got married?

That is why she is angry.

Sorry...

@--}-----
Michelle

[Laurana]

I find it hard to understand why she's so angry.
Really, what's so bad about it?

Because you lied to her for the better part of your marriage.

"She knew I dressed sometimes......blah blah". According to you she thought it was just a goof thing you did.

[RADER]

My First wife was so against my wearing anything Fem, She would just go crazy.
After 9 years and two kids, we where divorced.
!2 years later, I met my wife on a blind date; instantaneous connection.
Picking her up on our 2 ND date, there was some fashion on TV that caught my eye.
I said that I wish I could get a dress like that.
3 weeks later, at a cook out at my house, she asked me what dresses did I have.
I told her just a few skirts and tops.
She said, go and put one on; I was afraid to death, but I did.
She said that she would have to go with me and pick out better things for me to wear.
We got Married 6 months later, and where together for 19 years, until she passed.
So what I am trying to say, there are a few GG's out there that are OK with dressing.
Rader

[Tina_gm]

Laurana hit the very thing so many of us forget to consider. The lying. Technicalities of lying really don't mean much either btw. It can be made to sound good, at least to each other here. The withholding of information. There's no way around that.

It's not so bad- technically no. But a lifetime of the relationship of withholding information is....

If they really love us.... sounds good until who we really are is a giant question in itself. Or who we are is ever evolving in the opposite direction of which they came to know us and fell in love with us is.

That darned society always pumping it into their heads that we are not who they should be with. There's a lot of truth in that, but let us not forget that a heterosexual woman is attracted to men. The muscles, the voice, the scent, the mannerisms. Maybe they just want that from their HUSBAND....

WE often get so wrapped up in these Technicalities of femininity, of how harmless what we are doing is that we pass right by the personal elements of honesty, trust worthiness. Of WHO we really are.

They fell in love with an image.... that's the top soil of an entire core. It's that "image" we projected not just what we physically appear to be, but of our entire core being.

There's always still this question of why now? Why were we able to control it, hide it, do without it for sooo long, even if inside we wanted to dress and much more, but now it is something that we NEED to do, or the person we NEED to be.

I understand fully about how once we understand and accept ourselves things change. But I'm merely showing THEIR point of view. How if it can or has to progress from A to B, when does that become, C,D,E?....

Their acceptance goes so much deeper then us throwing on some clothes, make up and heels. If you, any of us stop and think about it, it is truly amazing how flexible and accepting many of our partners really are. That they continue to be with us after it all becomes known says a lot about how much they love us.

[Micki_Finn]

Here's my take although it may not be popular: Your wife decided what you will or won't do just by reading about crosadressers instead of talking to you about it? That's a red flag for me. Can you imagine if you told her her favorite drink is a Long Island iced tea and her secret fantasy was to be tied up with silk scarves because you read Cosmo once?

[TrishaLake]

when my wife first found out it wasn't pretty and it certainly wasn't the only thing wrong with our marriage. She stayed for a variety of reasons and I worked on me. Mucho therapy etc and today I feel I am a much better person. More importantly I am happy with me for the first time in my life. The issue is that includes crossdressing.

Now I love my wife allot, true love. I think I have accepted many things for her, I am the main breadwinner, participate in all family stuff, help around the house and supportive in many, many ways. This is my thing! at my age, kids are HS and college, I think I deserve to be accepted for me too. Isn't that what love is? no matter what? Just my thoughts and clearly everyone situation is different, but for me , if my wife said no more, I would actually leave..it would be devastating but I have to be happy too.

[BillieAnneJean]

I have addressed this scenario on my blog.

Compared to shooting Bambi, gamboling, fishing to the detriment of everything else, racing cars, whoring around, abusing, drinking to excess, watching every game on the teli, really? How bad is CDing anyway?

[Dana44]

One thing Judy, why she is reading on CD's, why, because you have never had a real talk with her and you hide all things from her. Oh course she is mad. Be a man about it and well, Hoot if she wants to leave let her. There is nothing wrong with it and you need to have an adult conversation with her. Of course you can't stop. But to bring peace in your household, Have an adult talk with her. Don't be afraid to do that.

[jennifer0918]

I like your style Rachelakld

[IleneD]

Scarlett,

You are fantastic. Your lengthy response gave me so much to think about.
We are very much in the same kind of place with crossdressing, and in our marriage.

My Wife is not one to be idle and I'm pretty certain that over the last year she's read up on crossdressing as a subject. She hasn't said anything in our conversations about her readings, such as "Oh I read in the American Journal of Psychology article that....." . But I know her and she's too intelligent NOT to inquire. The problem is that while I believe she's getting good and supportive information, she's also receiving a dose of "Dr Phil" and talk show type quackery. One of the things she HAS expressed is her fear that this CD thing would blossom, expand, grow and take over my life (eventually will lead to my Caitlyn Jenner moment? - not) I don't know where she picked up that data point, and I can only state that I'm not at the "take over my life stage" (yet).
This is a healthy, if not supportive, forum. I'd love to invite her. I just don't believe the moment is correct for her at this time. She can digest it and take it, but again.... one of her paranoia's about this habit is that is can be coupled with the internet and used to meet other likeminded CDs (or other "queer men" - she's still struggling with the concepts of CD); but she's concerned that HER Man would be a woman and be attracted to other men. She would see an internet factor (like this board), as the portal for that, even though we all know it is not. I need to give her time to understand better.

Great answer, Scarlett. Let me know when you're going to have The Talk, and continue to look fantastic.

[Angie G]

That's not a good story Judy. Good like on not dressing anymore girl it almost never go's away and stays. Keep us updated hun.:hugs:
Angie

[ginapoodle]

Great, discussion, thanks to all for insights and sharing. We all have our own paths and journeys.

I would choose my wife and marriage and family over dressing anytime. Fortunately I have quiet space and privacy in retirement to enjoy Gina.
Given that, I wish I had the courage to open up again discussions and dialog with my wife. She seems supportive of gender issues in general.
However, up close and personal, my experience is nope, do not want to see you dressed. And I can understand that.
Best of travels to everyone, it is a long and winding road.

[sometimes_miss]

OK she has said she won't live with a CDer, is that bluff to get her own way or true fact ? Judy has to get a clear answer to that one
Far too many people sit and ponder what someone else 'really means'. We can't just assume what someone else says is some sort of secret way of hiding their real intentions. We cannot be responsible for reading other people's minds.

So many talk about love on the forum ,if a couple love each other enough they can work through problems like these
Again, it depends; once no longer seen as a 'real man', and additionally considered as being dishonest because we 'deceived her' by hiding something about us, that can easily kill the love. And once that's gone, there really isn't much left to keep her wanting to stay in the relationship, as the desire for a 'real man' will now be for someone else.

[NicoleScott]

She says she'll never accept living with a CD-er.


This needs clarification. Is it an ultimatum or a statement saying "I'll never like it"?
I'm surprised at how many crossdressers with unaccepting wives allow ultimatums to transfer decision-making to the husband. Either way, she sets herself up as the victim, and he's always the bad guy. If she decides she can't live with a crossdressing husband, let her take action.

[Judy-Somthing]

Well we talked more last night and today and hugged.
She said the thing that hurt more than the idea of cross-dressing was that it appeared that I didn't seem to care how much she was hurting.

Instead of me saying I'm sorry for putting you in this predicament I basically said "what's so bad about cross-dressing".

I told her that I was afraid to tell her about my cross-dressing due to the fear of loosing her, I wanted us to spend our life together and actually thought I would stop.

I did stop for over twenty five years.

[mechamoose]

Wife been reading up on CD-ers, says I'll never stop and I'll need time to dress now and then.

Education is never bad. Until they understand what is going on, they don't have a chance to understand where *you* are. Personally, I recently gave my wife a minor wig-out by telling her that I was considering hormones. What did she do? Read and ask questions.


She says she'll never accept living with a CD-er.

Personal choice, but...


CD-ing is fun but it's a small part of me and If I can get happiness back in my marriage I'm pretty sure I can stop.

With all due respect, I don't believe that. If you are really driven to dress, it isn't going to go away, no matter how hard you want it to. Even if you could, it would mean you are burying a part of yourself. It would be like giving up bowling because your wife does not like bowling. How does that change what *you* want?

- MM