Would an SO necessarily say anything?

[Tamsin Secret]

So i was thinking yesterday if my SO had found some of my things would she just confront me or wait for me to say something by dropping little hints.

The other day she said something that I believe was 99.99% not connected but because she was talking about an item right next to where i store my little collection of possessions it made me think 'i wonder....'

I must also admit that my mood has been a little somber for a couple of weeks now due to all sorts of things Inc my CD'ing and she has asked if I'm ok on a couple of occasions.

Again this is 99.99% genuine love and compassion from her but that little voice inside my head tells me that i want it to be that she knows and is giving me the opportunity to open up.

Miss S

[Teresa]

MissS,
I think she is testing the water, OK it might also be a fishing trip but gently does it. Maybe just ask if she would like to discuss anything you are OK about it .
I know what those little voices are like , eventually you head is spinning with assumptions and you've no where to go with them . I would suggest do it sooner rather than later because you may find you have something to build on.

[Stephanie47]

As a general statement I wish posters would state whether or not they are married. S/O covers a broad spectrum of relationships. Anyway, I checked your introduction. Married.

Yes, it is a possibility your wife has snooped and found your collection. Does she confront you which may imply she has violated your privacy? Yes, spouses are allowed to have privacy in a marriage. Your wife may have more knowledge of cross dressing and may even know you are on this site. Ever not erase your browsing history? I suspect, if she does know and she really really hates the idea of a cross dressing husband, she would have opened up with both barrels of a shotgun and let you have it right between the eyes.

If you're moody and not acting as your old chipper self her inquiries may be just a statement of concern rather than a solicitation to open up and confess your secret.

I think you really know the answer. You're always walking on egg shells because Miss Secret" is keeping a secret side of you from your wife. Will she go into a rage? Will she throw me out of the home? Will she tell family and friends, etc? Your reaction is not different than a little kid who broke mom's favorite tea pot and is trying to hide the shards of pottery from her.

I will not tell you to blurt out the truth one evening when you're under the influence of a few cocktails because you'll have to live with any mess created...not me. Maybe you can create a little opening so she can start the discussion. Be discreet. Don't leave one of your bras under the car seat for her to find.

Secrets may cause guilty feelings...a violation of trust.

So much for the first thread of today. :)

[Tamsin Secret]

Haha Teresa, those damn voices indeed. Until joining here they were all i had to talk to about things. Glad thats changed at least.

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Be discreet. Don't leave one of your bras under the car seat for her to find.

Oh the irony of this. Well to be specific boot actually!

Thankyou for your comments and take heed of the SO thing, sorry.

The thing is about my wife is she genuinely has a heart of gold and IF the beans were spilt she would most likely be like 'bloody hell i was only asking if you were ok'. I'm not sure she would be prepared for deeper meaning to things.

I also don't want to contradict the above either but although caring and considerate is very conservative in a lot of ways. This would be very far out there for her.

That's why i would consider her initial reaction to be the both barrels rather than subtle hints (until she calmed down and or managed to get her head around things).

[Sandin Meknickers]

Maybe she found something and with all your suspicious behaviour she suspects you of cheating. Or kidnap.

[Georgette_USA]

As a general statement I wish posters would state whether or not they are married. S/O covers a broad spectrum of relationships. Anyway, I checked your introduction. Married.


Can't help on (the TG/CD or TG/TS) and S/O relationships, so I generally don't try and impose my ideas. But I do believe that things like that should have come up prior to something legal like marriage.

YES, S/O or Partner or whatever can cover much. Sometimes we can't get married (like prior to same sex marriage restrictions). I have a friend who always refers to my late partner as my wife, after 38 years it is kind of like that. I had asked her but she said she didn't believe in same sex marriage.

[Tamsin Secret]

Kidnapping, oh my :D

Lol

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But I do believe that things like that should have come up prior to something legal like marriage

And miss the wonderful times we've had together and the beautiful things that has brought us?

Ideal world's rarely exist and from my own personal point of view my CD'ing has always been sporadic even though starting at an early age. It never occurred to me that one day it may grow in feeling/temptation the way it has over the last few years.

I married as a husband first with a CD link somewhere in the background that wasn't that important to me at the time.

Appreciate and understand the comment though :)

[~Joanne~]

I think the worse thing is a wife/SO finding your things on average. The average woman would jump to conclusions right from the gate that your cheating on her. That's a given. Your wife not doing so, that is a good thing, that means she trusts you and will let you tell her when Your ready. That's IF she found your things at all.

I have never had any of these kind of situations. yes she found hair on a comb once but after producing a wig, that went bye bye. I lied about the wig but it worked for the time. we eased into this together so I never had her find things just laying around and I think that is the worst way to try and bring up the conversation which I am sure a LOT of CD's do.

I can't give you advice as to what to do here, we are all different, our SO's are different, and how we handle things are different. You know your wife before any of us would. Do you think she found your stash? Then you need to think of how you want to handle it. I will say this, IF she found it, she didn't freak out, that's a good sign. IF she found it and keeps dropping hints, you needs to come clean before she does freak out cause you haven't said anything about it and she is waiting. Nobody likes to wait ;)

[Tamsin Secret]

Joanne,
Everything you say makes complete sense.

I would never intentionally leave anything for her to find. I would always like to think the first she knew is if i had chosen to tell.
My question was more out of curiosity than actually thinking she had found anything. The situation i described just got me thinking that's all.

I'm pretty sure the reaction would not be good if she had found my modest female haven but the presence of a cheap wig and make up would I think at least make her less likely to assume adultery and more 'what the bloody hell is this doing here?!?'

That's not something that should give me comfort i know but would make any explanation i had that it was actually mine more believable somehow.

This may sound silly but i have often thought of writing a letter to keep with my things so if she ever did find them there was at least an answer for her and it would read that she wouldn't have to let on if she didn't want to.

I'm sort of going off piste now but felt I needed to explain a little more.

[Micki_Finn]

Everyone can give you their interpretations all they want but the bottom line is that none of us is in a position to know what would happen. You yourself should know better than anyone how she might react but even then there is a degree of uncertainty. The only thing I was able to glean with with any certainty is that you seem to really WANT to come out to her, but are maybe worrying too much about the perfect opportunity/situation to tell her that will guarantee that everything goes how you want it to. There will never be an ideal time to drop this bombshell on her.

[Tamsin Secret]

There will never be an ideal time to drop this bombshell on her.

I know it's true. Just hard to read when it's in black and white.

Thanks for your input Micki, i said earlier that it's just nice to be able to at least read/respond/ponder with others but ultimately it's my life and nobody could know it better than me x

[Amanda Monica]

My two humble cents (based on my experience - your mileage may vary) is to not overthink it. It will drive you crazy. And she will pick up on that. (And start to build scenarios in her head). And that's not good for either of you.

If you are committed to the relationship, and she truly exudes the love and compassion in all other areas of your relationship that you describe, and crossdressing is truly a part of who you are...the sooner you have "the talk," the sooner it will be a progression for both of you. Otherwise you will remain stuck in a self-imposed limbo. Not saying it's an easy thing, it is a process that requires honesty, transparency, active listening, and a willingness to let the chips fall where they may. When I came out fully to my wife - after 23 years of marriage - I finally felt a burden lift. But I had to take it slow, answer all questions, respect her concerns and boundaries, and never compare myself when Amanda, to her as a GG. It made us stronger. But I think success was possible because we already had a strong foundation as a couple in all other respects. After two years, we're even happier and she's more accepting. And now, because I recently came out to my neighbors, it means that she doesn't have to carry around my "secret" either. They were surprised, but their reactions were neutral to positive.

I agree with Stephanie - don't just blurt out the info like a bombshell after a few cocktails. For us, Sunday morning pillow talk was the proper time and place. For you it might be different. But a lot of what made it work was not just what I said, but how I said it. And how I made sure that I saw things from her point of view.

Just watch out for the pink fog. It strikes without warning or mercy.

[Trione]

My first wife was supportive of my dressing at home as we were both into lingerie, after she passed I purged everything, forgot about a black dress I had folded over a hanger. When second wife found it she asked who's it was and I told her it was mine. never had another word about it as she disapprove of CD. I also had some no label soft panties that she give me questionings looks about but we went DADT about them.

[Tina_gm]

It's hard to say, she may be onto it, has it figured out, may have found your stuff and is just doing this on purpose to see your reaction, almost amusing herself.

I will say though that I was actually starting to drop hints, trying to soften the blow so to speak. I was never a real macho guy to begin with. Yet, my wife was pretty much shocked at the news. Later on she connected the dots.

Don't be at all surprised that she knows and suspects nothing. They are not likely to find or figure out anything they are not looking for.

[Shayna]

I know a few weeks after my wife found out and she started having trouble with it, she said a few times that she wished she had never said anything and kept it to herself.

All also second Gendermutt's last sentence. I was sure my wife had some idea and just didn't want to talk about it, but she was actually in shock when she found out.

[Tamsin Secret]

Amanda absolutely true about 'My Secret'. If it went well i would tell her that if she needed to she could talk to whomever she felt she required to about it. I know her well enough to know it would be a close friend who could provide more comfort if she needed it and couldn't get that from me.

I'm aware that a secret told is a secret out so at some point, even if it's a more confident me, eventually it will be more than just my wife that would know.

That's my part to deal with.

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Trione, i too would expect a DADT situation. At least from the outset.

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Gendermutt,

I too can switch on and off the macho stuff. Tbh she knows me better than as an alpha male. I think I possess and display many female attributes but am just clever in putting them into a male guise.

That being said I'm happy being a man and not looking at transition by any stretch. It's just about letting the repressed part of my personality out the box once in a while and having fun!

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Shauna, I think my situation would be akin to yours and my wife's reaction very similar.

[Teresa]

MissS,
I was also surprised my wife had no idea of my dressing until I came out to her after twenty years of marriage, even if clothes had been moved or a zip broken, at that time it was all her things.

I guess if your wife finds out and they are all your things it might make a difference, I've never thought about that before, it could go either way . When I came out I felt so close to her, wearing her things made that even more intense and I told her that at the time. Even so the DADT wall went up after a couple of weeks so I was back on my own with it and having to be more careful about hiding things.

At the moment think of one thing at a time and don't get caught up on thoughts of transition it be a complication that never arises.

[Jolene Robertson]

I would have to concur with the others posts. Everyone and every situation is different. After 15 years of being married, retiring and moving a great distance my wife asked me about some of the more feminine things I was wearing so I came clean with her, we had "The talk" and everything went well. She even bought me my first pair of heels and a bra w/ inserts. So we never know. Hope one day to read on here that you have a similar story to tell.

Hugs
Jolene

[Pat]

So i was thinking yesterday if my SO had found some of my things would she just confront me or wait for me to say something by dropping little hints.

SO's are O's, after all and there's no predicting how others will behave -- it's up to the individual and the context of the situation. However, reading in this forum which has a pretty rich set of "My SO found out" stories, it does not seem like the typical person "drops hints" and gently waits for you to come out of your shell. Not saying it can't happen, just saying it doesn't seem to be the way most of these stories play out.


Again this is 99.99% genuine love and compassion from her but that little voice inside my head tells me that i want it to be that she knows and is giving me the opportunity to open up.

I think that answers your question. You just want it to be that way. You want acceptance without having to risk conflict; you're hoping it will all settle out somehow. Very human response. Not likely to happen. Sorry.

[sometimes_miss]

I think the worse thing is a wife/SO finding your things / The average woman would jump to conclusions right from the gate that your cheating on her.
Yup, that's exactly what happened to me. I only had seconds to decide whether to go with that, or tell her the truth. Turns out, I should have gone with the former. Hindsight is always 20/20 vision.