Don't much about psychology..what a wonderful world it will be

[jennifer0918]

Well the SO has been acting kinda different this weekend. Suspicious as usual,out of the blue she started saying,maybe you don't go to work,maybe there is another woman your seeing,"how do I know your at work when you say you are there ?" My response, if you have trust issues, let's go to marriage counseling, I feel the idea is marinating in her head,and maybe I planted a seed. I'm thinking maybe of having the talk with her if we go to counseling with a professional there to assist her with any questions she may have , any opinions? At this point I don't know if she suspects,if she knows,if she found Jennifers closet,or is it that maybe someone is giving her some goofy advice. I wonder whats on her mind? Am I standing at a crossroads? Am I at a point in life where I have to stop lying to myself and those who love me to come full circle and find my true self? The job will not let me,and no room for acceptance in my work environment no place for a CD trying to find myself and matching my soul with how I look outside. I don't know, any comments, opinions ,please do. I wanted to vent. Thanks for reading.

[Becky Blue]

Does your wife know anything about Jennifer?
For starters I would ask her why the trust issue questions? But be well prepared for awkward questions. Maybe she just senses something, women are good like that.

[Rachelakld]

I'm bad at advise

For me, trust and honesty are part of the same thing, so if either of you cann't be honest, then the other can't trust
Being "missing" brings up the options, your either a secrete undercover spy or your having an affair - we all know this from the movies
Being missing, also gives the other time to go snooping in order to find out why your "missing", including perhaps finding womens underware - EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS!!!

For me, If I found out my wife was "hiding something", I would probably be looking for a more trustworthy wife.

[mechamoose]

Truth.

Truth is the best thing you can give her, and the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship. Even if it doesn't work out, it is far better than lying, especially to your partner. Just be honest. Honesty does not have to be a threat. It could be the thing that saves your relationship and your sanity.

What you are doing is *you*, yes? Why would you lie about that? If you love her, then be honest with her. You might be surprised at the result. It isn't like you are running off with someone. You want to be you *with* her, right?

So many males are so wrapped up in 'butch' and 'muscle' and 'sweat'. That is no more or less a costume than wearing skirts are. Just be yourself.

- MM

[jennifer0918]

Becky to answer your question, about 14 years ago I had a fling with a coworker and she found out. It was nothing sexual but still cheating is cheating. My SO does not know about Jennifer, not to my knowledge. Thanks for the advice.

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Rachel thanks for your advice,I don't think she trusts, but she will not let me go,she is the type if I can have you ,no one can. Then I think she might worry what her mother will think of her if we divorce. I am only guessing because she never wants to open up to me.

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Wow kitty moose,I like that,yes im being me,Jennifer is me inside. My costume is these muscles,sweat ,and mustache . Now at this moment right now I'm not cheating but I am keeping Jennifer a secret from her. My plan is to go to counseling and then one on one come out to her.

[Sarah Louise]

It's not unusual for women (or men for that matter) to feel insecure in a relationship. Pure speculation on my part, but could it be that she feels vunerable because you don't pay her as much attention as you used to? Maybe instead of suggesting counselling because of her trust issues, take her out somewhere nice, compliment her, reassure her and generally make more time for her.

[Tama]

I hope I didn't miss it said somewhere but, my experience tells me that open, honest and compassion-driven conversation is a key element needed here. Sure, counselors are a great tool, in the right measure but 1st, perhaps foremost, can you get an honest, quiet and calm and open discussion going? Most people (without prior knowledge of same) are suspicious and unwilling to run off to therapists, I am NOT one of them..I have retired a therapist or two, and have been the subject a one study paper I know about...
I just have to wonder if you've attempted all avenues of communication?

[Stacy Darling]

Hi Jennifer,

I've seen a lot of Psychologists and therapists in the past 30yrs. Always after the event has happened, from medical rehab to divorce and back! It is harder for them to fix me after I have broken myself, they say! So talking with a professional is highly recommended but I would "Very Strongly" recommend that you find and discuss your situation with said professional BY YOURSELF before involving your wife. This way you will have some idea of how counselling could work or not work for you. The important thing is to discuss your situation in full with the professional and take the advice if you wish to.

I definitely wouldn't just drop the subject in a session with your wife there! That would even floor the counsellor!

I wish I would have spoken with my therapist before I just blurted it out to my wife. I now go to therapy by myself!

I Really recommend speaking with a qualified counsellor by yourself before going any further.

Best Wishes with this if you are going to go through with it, It's a rough road
Stacy

[Pat]

Am I at a point in life where I have to stop lying to myself and those who love me to come full circle and find my true self?

Are any of us ever NOT at that point? By all means, remove lies from your life -- you'll feel better. Millennia of human experience say that's true. It's the message that keeps getting repeated through the ages and keeps getting ignored. And, history shows you'll probably come out of it better if you address it before you're discovered.

Love relationships are a ticklish area. If you got to where you are by lying, there's always the danger you'll lose it all when you tell the truth. (And near certainty you'll lose it all if you're discovered.) If you feel that your relationship can't survive full disclosure, what does it say about the relationship? What does it say about you? It's a very thorny problem. Counseling is a good idea. If you want to do your disclosure with a counselor in the room you should make sure it's someone who knows gender issues and has experience guiding couples through this. An uneducated counselor can make a bad situation much worse.


The job will not let me,and no room for acceptance in my work environment no place for a CD trying to find myself and matching my soul with how I look outside.

Coming out to your wife does not mean you have to come out to the world. At least not right away. You may find that with acceptance and support you do need that. But there seem to be many couples who are fine without world-wide disclosure.

Edit: FWIW, I totally agree that if you can swing it, it would be far better for you to have some one-on-one counseling before attempting to come out in a couples session. Remarks about counselors who are educated in the topic still apply. ;)

[Tama]

Jennie and Stacy have made excellent points, ones of which I'd wish I had though of myself. Maybe I didn't need to say this but, I felt strongly enough about their messages to re chime in... All of us wish you the best of luck no matter what way you go

[docrobbysherry]

When my ex found a bra absentmindedly I left lying around she thot I was having an affair. :Angry3:

When she found out it was mine, she felt much better!:thumbsup:

[Stephanie47]

Last August you indicated you were going to keep Jennifer away from your wife. You were never going to tell her because it she is your personal experience. You also indicate you had a fling your wife knew about. When a person is trying to conceal some sort of behavior from a spouse there are always little tell tale signs that will raise suspicion. I think it is evident she believes you're doing "something" out of the normal. If you've been seeing your transwoman friend, which in itself is not "cheating" in my mind, it still is part of your secret. Have you ever considered the amount of time and effort it takes to maintain your secret?

[Sandin Meknickers]

Had this line of enquiry before. Easily met with the reciprocal enquiry about how she spends time when I'm away. She's concerned someone on here will turn my head. I don't know what goes on inside her head but it's funny to see what comes out of her mouth next. Most of the time I just ask what the problem is but if it looks aggresive I wander off. I'll put up with constructive conversation but regardless of any feelings, there is little point in being abused.

[jennifer0918]

No I haven't attempted all avenues of communication

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Stephanie yes a lot of time and money not a cheap hobby,but I don't think it's hobby for me. I'm not perfect but like with life I'm changing,and even more I think something is different from past years maybe it's the pink fog? I would like this for her to accept me,to be able to go out as girlfriends for dinner,dancing, do girly stuff together.

[Sheila11]

I think You are talking to the wrong people.

You need to talk with your wife. Soon.

[sometimes_miss]

Does your wife know anything about Jennifer?
For starters I would ask her why the trust issue questions? But be well prepared for awkward questions. Maybe she just senses something, women are good like that.

One problem is, women are also very good at not saying what they mean, or they will say something entirely off point in order to elicit a particular response, sometimes just to start an argument about something entirely different if they don't or can't justify what they are truly upset about. You also have those who will argue that we 'always' do something that they don't like, even if we just rarely do it. Then you have the additional problem of them 'reading between the lines' and think they're finding things that WE don't mean, but they apply their suspicions to us anyway, and we have no idea of what they're talking about. That's been my experience many times. And the number of times women have vaguely 'hinted' about something in such obscure ways that nobody could pick up on it, but then they get mad because we couldn't figure out what in the world they're talking about, and you have the typical male-female relationship communication disasters waiting to happen!

Sometimes I think we'd all be better off if we only communicated by writing. But I'm sure that would get messed up, too.

[jennifer0918]

I think You are talking to the wrong people.

You need to talk with your wife. Soon.

I'm going to build the courage to do so,soon.