Urge to Tell. (Thank you forum sisters. BTW)

[IleneD]

I attended a social event held by an association of military scientists; officer with specific tech backgrounds. This was a professional organization of which I was once a president. Many of the people there, now senior officers, had once served as my junior officers. I haven't seen some of them in many years, certainly since retirement.

AND..... I took photographs of Ilene with me on the cell phone; like I was actually going to show Ilene to someone. In the back of my mind I wanted, oh so deeply wanted, to rip off my mask and reveal the beauty and glory of Ilene. Wisely, I didn't. But it was in my mind and spirit.

I've been going through the on-going spiritual and identity search quite often lately. Examining my motivations, desires, and reasons for dressing has been on my mind. I am joyfully struggling with it.
In the sound advice I've received from the members of this forum, my Sisters, the common refrain was "Don't do anything precipitous. Don't ring a bell that can't be un-rung. " From the bottom of my heart I thank all of you who contributed collective wisdom on my behalf. I probably would never have exposed myself as Ilene to these men (and women) who once knew me as something and someone else. I'm still that guy, by the way. Now, I'm so much more and growing.
Yet I found it interesting that it was on my mind (to tell old friends about my CD and interest in being a woman), and even came "armed" with evidence. hmmmmmmmm.
276475

[Tama]

If I contributed anything, then you're welcome. If I did not, then it's probably why things are going well for you!
Great scarf...would've liked to see it!

[GretchenM]

Sounds like you are making good progress at finding your comfort zone on the gender spectrum. Expanding your horizons beyond the fundamental maleness and shifting perspectives is so enriching irrespective of how you "end up." Of course, there really isn't an "end up." Once the process of being honest with yourself begins and takes hold it never seems to end. It just evolves. Speed bumps and even canyons can be negotiated once the foundation is built. Not always easy, but solvable. Very happy for you.

[Rachael Leigh]

Ilene, I understand that struggle to tell others that only know the male us, the only person other then my wife is a GG friend from HS but I have often want to let others in on Rachel Leigh's life but I resist it and just move on.
Thanks for sharing your journey and thank you for your service

[Tina_gm]

Well, I'm certainly one who advises caution.... I try to think long term. Real long term. Is it necessary for you, or me, or anyone, or is it a desire not needed. For some it truly is. For some they have navigated their life so it can be done without dismantling the life they have spent decades cultivating. Many of us though, through mistakes or just sheer circumstances have to make difficult and sometimes painful decisions. What is right or wrong is unique to you. It wouldn't have been wrong to let these people know.... but is it truly in your best interest? How does it or will it effect your life now, a year from now, 10 years from now??

I'm glad you felt you did the right thing. Remember too that at any time, you can change to a more open situation. Bells can't be in rung, but they can be rung at any time, so it's never a case of it didn't happen so it never will.

[Beverley Sims]

The urge to tell can be great but in a position like you hold even now, the press would find a story in there and it may be unnecessarily stressful for you.

Look at other military personnel that have come out, are you ready yet for the big reveal.

I would stay with the temptation for a while longer, a more suitable occasion is bound to arise.

[Pat]

Ilene -- I suspect you'll outgrow caution as you allow Ilene to become your truth. Once you accept her as a truth any other life becomes a lie and will probably be repugnant to you. You can't unring a bell, but sometimes, when you finally ring it, the note is so beautiful, clear and true that you won't want to. ;) Good luck on your journey.

[Jaylyn]

We all get caught up in the moment. I believe many a military backgrounds people could find splice and comfort that the dressing gives but is it worth the few moments of what the overall effect will be on others and the outcome it could mean for you. I just got thru helping with an event for some ex military guys that are struggling with the PTSD and at this event these guys were made the heroes that they truly are. I think in some professions it or former professions those in the leadership part must keep quite and stay the course of the leaders. Having said that I also find relaxation in the dressing and the calmness it gives me, but the impressions it might give to those lives I've affected it could be just another mix up in those following me.
I also thank you for your service and think even though we may want to tell every thing that works for us sometimes we must take the higher road of valor and leadership you were given. I like the comments you posted from other sisters here. Heed their warnings.
By the way you make a very beautiful leader all dressed with nails done and the scarf looks great with that outfit.

[IleneD]

Thank you, Gretchen. I'm so pleased you read my post. You're quite well studied on the science and experience of gender identity. Hearing what you have to say is important, and it's interesting that you find progress in the post of my experience.

- - - Updated - - -

Jennie:

Of all the responses on this page, yours's is certainly intriguing. Perhaps you've tread this path before and recognize a milestone or landmark.
Outgrowing caution. Interesting because when I was flying (as a military pilot) I had an impulsive streak that frequently got me in trouble or nearly killed. Some of it was a way of extending my own skills to the limits of performance and some was pure audacity. Back then the rules on what you could do with a govt airplane and get away with it were quite different.
It's a good way, BTW, to get your wings pulled (I didn't.... just saying).

I can see where you're going with your prediction, and at this point I can't say its completely wrong. I don't anticipate a full transition to Ilene. She is a truth. Thanks, Jennie.

[ginapoodle]

Ilene,

Follow your own path. Listen to prompts. Pray about the situation. Be patient and listen.

You will know what to do. Glass can be half-full. People can be accepting and flexible and understanding.

Blessings on your journey. I have been thru the same decision process recently. I have confidence in you.

[IamWren]

It's comforting to see reliable, consistent voices of reason coming from those like Gretchen, GM, Leigh, Beverly and Pat (Jennie).

I'm not sure I can offer much more to the sound advice they have offered. However, in the short time I've been a member of this forum it has spurred exploration of gender issues and how they apply to me. What I've learned so far has been invaluable with many thanks to members like those listed above.

I tend to fall in GenderMutt's camp of caution.
With that in mind, some of the things I've learned from reading threads regarding coming out is that:
We do not exist in a vacuum. Despite the "this-is-my-life-and-I'll-do-what-want" mentality that is sometimes thrown around here (and I would add "irresponsibly" to that), the fact is there are others who are impacted by the negative stigma that unfortunately exists around CDers and transfolks. I think it is important to evaluate the impact that would have on those a CDer decides to open up to.

I think there are many who fall in a need-to-know basis and there are a LOT who simply do NOT need to know.

I'd also add that what I've found that works for me so far is a balance. There are ways I've been able to incorporate items in my every day life that are normally considered feminine yet are so subtle it does not detract from what society and most importantly my family believes my gender performance should look like. In doing so I am able to maintain the strong, stalwart male role they and society see from my physical features yet, I at least know of the subtle things I'm able to incorporate and that helps alleviate what little dysphoria I might have.

- - - Updated - - -

P.S. you might step over to the TG/Gender Non-Binary subforum. Lot's of good conversations going on over there.

[Amy Lynn3]

IleneD: When I was in the Military, I had to have a Secret Clearance. The main thing I drew from the instructions received with that Clearance was: Unless a person has a NEED to know, don't tell. That advise has worked well for me through out the years.
You have received great advise from the other posters, but allow me to say this. Like you, I have had the urge to shout from the roof top, that I like to be Amy at times, however, I have suppressed that urge and dealt with it, in the following manner. I contact members on this forum ( in my area) and build a friendship with them. You will know if a meeting would be in order and you can set guidelines for the meetings. I have meet some great people living near me and we can share our likes and dislikes, plus, being with a like minded person is great and will not throw you under the bus.

In addition, this is up to you, but I have done this. I had a gg in my extended family I felt would be understanding. I came out to her and even dressed in front of her. Everything was cool and we enjoyed it and had several visits and talks.

I have been very elective to who and where I came out to. It is hard not to do it with long time friends, but I have picked people, who if they told would not have un-repairable damage to me.:D

[Leslie Mary S]

You elevation in rank is something I always aspired but due to my eyesight could never make. While taking the USAF academy entrance physical, I was rejected because of bad eyes. It was the Vietnam era and all they wanted were pilot material.
Back then my desire to dress was still in the embryo. So I went into the enlisted ranks.
I always want to tell people about me, but have opt to keep silent. Most of my world know only the drab me.

[Lana Mae]

Ilene, I think you did the right thing for where you are at in your journey! I have a similar decision to make concerning a friend from my past who was my best friend. He was in the Navy and is a great supporter of Vietnam vets! We were close friends in a macho world! Lost contact since mid 80 s. Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[IamWren]

Remember too that at any time, you can change to a more open situation. Bells can't be in rung, but they can be rung at any time, so it's never a case of it didn't happen so it never will.


Ilene, I think you did the right thing for where you are at in your journey!
These two statements when coupled together are quite meaningful.
The bell can be rung.... the right thing for your journey.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
I think you might have been surprised how accepting they might have been , OK that little voice reminding about the rung bell !
I know you're thinking more about heading down the transition road I guess at some point Ilene will have to be more public to people . You have the confidence and intelligence to deal with most situations , I don't think being more open about Ilene is going to create a huge problem.
Even in my DADT situation it's becoming easier with outsiders but I know I have the nagging thought of my wife isn't going to like this , I'm sure she knows she is losing control but at the same time no harm is being done as I go more public .

[Tina_gm]

The point is Teresa not just how others will react, but is Ilene herself ready. Ready by being comfortable and committed. If we are not comfortable with ourselves neither will anyone else be.

I think it's a really smart thing to keep one foot on the break until she's certain its the path she wants to take. In her own time. Ilene, like I've said before, its not a matter of not going farther, its a matter of knowing you are ready to. Maybe its just taking tge time you neef, or maybe its just mot meant to be. Either is fine. When you are ready, if its meant to be your foot will come off the brake. In the end its not about others, either here or in real life, its about how you feel inside.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I few years ago, I went to my 40th college reunion.

My wife decided not to come with me, and I was really considering coming out in the flesh, not just in an iPhone picture.

When I posted about that idea here, I was almost uniformly told to think real hard about my plans.

I listened and stayed in male mode with my class buddies. I did however sneak away from my class buddies to attend a couple of LGBT events on campus during reunion weekend, including a dance party. I did it en femme, and had a blast. There's still the 45th and 50th reunions, and more if I live that long.

Also, at Keystone a couple of years ago, I met a girl who turned out to be a guy who graduated from my high school the same year as I did and was on the track team with me. We kind of talked about going to our 50th HS reunion live and en femme.

Don't worry y'all. It's not until 2021. There's plenty of time to think about it.

[Aunt Kelly]

Ilene,
First of all, thank you for sharing that experience. In all likelihood, it will resonate with at least one other person here, validating her feelings, even though it may bring no more insight.

You used the phrase "joyfully struggling with it" to describe your examination of your reasons for dressing. That is something I can relate to. Facing a challenge can be it's own reward, and if getting pretty is part of the game, what's not to like. Right?
Still, the words of caution others have given are wise. You are considering an action that will be life-changing, and not just for yourself. Pat may be right - you may be headed to a place where coming out is the only right thing to do. It seems that a day like that should be one for celebration, not trepidation. So just make sure that you are in that place before taking such action.

Meanwhile, keep enjoying the ride, girl. Your look is getting better all the time.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie