What would happen if

[Jenny22]

Having bared yourself as to why you dress and must continue to dress to let the girl inside live, and disregarding all other family factors, you said to your wife or SO something like ..

"The girl that lives in my head will never go away. She's too much a part of my being. I love you so much (her name) that I must give you the opportunity to leave, because you can't accept her, and i can never change.That choice is now yours."

True love is not shallow, and if that exists, do you honestly believe that she would leave you or do you believe she would re-evaluate the situation to come to an understanding that she could live with?

The "You've ruined my life" comments got me to thinking about the above scenerio.

[michaelmichelle]

Happy yo say this doesn't apply in my case.
My wife is the one who started me dressing and has promoted it ever since.
I can't help but question the depth of love if a SO made this issue a line in the sand.

[Dana44]

My SO is acceptance but does not understand. Yet lets me do it. It took a lot of adult communication to achieve that. WE all wonder what is said in that relationship. But I guess some women would never understand But on who loves you finds a way.

[docrobbysherry]

Some of us live with relatives that don't ever want to discuss anything to do with dressing. So, we must have that and other conversations with ourselves--------------:straightface:

[Micki_Finn]

Not an issue in my case, but to me it kind of feels like a cop out. It's a way to wash your hands of the responsibility for the relationship not working out. Sorry but that's just how I see it.

It's also pretty insulting to her because she could get out of the relationship at any time. She doesn't need your permission to leave.

[AllieSF]

Micki, I don't necessarily see it as a cop out. Maybe the point is that when caught, confronted or when it becomes too much for the SO to deal with, the person does not communicate the reality of who they are to the other party. Instead of saying that it is a true part of who they are and will probably never go away, they give in and say they will put it away or enter into some type of unworkable DADT situation. Yes, some relationships can work and flourish that way, but does the SO really understand the situation. Does the CD/TG really understand themselves?

Maybe what the OP is saying is that it may be another good option for many who can't work and live in a DADT situation. Why not give the other the option to leave early on, instead of being miserable with that big elephant in their lives for the rest of their lives? That is not washing their hands of anything. It is raw honesty and trying to give one side the option to opt out!

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I were watching a news program concerning males transitioning to female. She and I are in a DADT marriage. She said she would never be able to live with a husband you transitioned to a woman. It's not what she signed on for. I completely understand my wife's position.

One of the issues that is always lacking in proposals/questions such as your question is the fact all these hypothetical situations are a two way street. Do you want to express yourself as a woman to a woman who married a man and expect her to just roll over and blissfully accepted that transformation? If I were her I'd throw it back in his face and tell him if he wants to stay married then take into consideration her feelings. You're painting a picture of no compromise. My way or the highway! If I was my wife and my husband decided to just shove his cross dressing in my face, I'd kick him to the curb. I think most of the men who enjoy wearing women's clothing are self limited because they do take their wives' feelings, etc into consideration.

Frankly, such attitudes destroy a marriage and it does not have to be cross dressing. It can be anything.

[NicoleScott]

The big reveal is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're going to get. My first wife couldn't be married to a crossdressing husband. Now my "new" wife of 24 years has no problem with it.
It's easy to blame the wife's non-acceptance. Could it be that offering to split is a veiled admission that you don't want to be with an unaccepting wife? So you transfer the decision to her.
That transfer works both ways. The [commonly heard here] ultimatum "stop crossdressing or we're done" is her way of transferring the decision to him, instead of herself making the decision to leave.

[Kate Simmons]

Hard to say as everyone is different. I do know one thing however, that true love is not self centered. :)

[AllieSF]

I like your last sentence Nicole. It is a two way street. I do not think that the OP meant it as an ultimatum, take it or leave it. As we get smarter about ourselves and others and who we are and what all that means from sites like this, wouldn't an SO want to know how strong this urge to be ourselves is as it pertains to their lifestyles and relationship? In some instances, that old adage of giving the other the option to leave has true meaning, "Love means being able to let them go". How often do we hear here that by not telling one is denying the other other the option to make their own choice. Here is a way to do that, and now it is considered being two faced or throwing it in the other's face. I am confused! LOL

[Teresa]

Jenny,
When I was having gender counselling we talked about separation , my point was this is where I am now , no pretence if the gap between my needs and her acceptance was too great then we should accept the obvious and do the right thing for both of us. We came to a compromise at the moment it's working . At least my wife knows the truth, we had begun to discuss how separation would work so we know the door is open if the gap becomes unbridgeable .
My wife just gives me that she wants the man she married, OK I've pointed out to her that works both ways , I don't have the woman I married for various reasons , it may not sound like true love but it works, after 40 + years of marriage what would other couples truthfully admit to aside from CDing issues ?

[sometimes_miss]

Well, I did tell her everything, we went to therapy together for a while, and she still divorced me and blackmailed me for all out assets. So that's how it can go.

[Tina_gm]

This what if thread pertains to???? Seems rather a complete yes or no take it or leave it from a perspective of at or nearly st a 24/7 existence if not a full transition. To which I suppose such a convo would need to be had.

I hate how "the choice" is getting thrown back on each party. Also. If it comes to s more extreme situation such as living as or transitioning to female, unconditional love doesn't apply. Uncontional love applies to the person , until that person isn't that person anymore. Some have been able to navigate through a complete gender change, most however do not. And no one, either the transitionercwho can't choose her gender identity, or the partner who can't choose to be a lesbian, or in a lesbian relationship.

It's certainly not what any of us do, or believe in, to have a transgender person not live authentically. I'm pretty sure we don't expect gay people to switch to hetero. But, we somehow feel that our partners should switch from straight to gay, even though we could never do such a thing, nor should we be expected to. But then we expect a partner to anyway. Sometimes we really need to look in the mirror....

For the majority of members who are not transitioning, and crisscrossing is a thing they do, not the identity they are, such a drastic convo really shouldn't be needed.

- - - Updated - - -

Crossdressing. Not criss crossing This new os is having way too much fun re writing my posts.

[Tracii G]

Here we go with the what ifs again.
GM I agree a little glance in the mirror is needed.

[Teresa]

Gendermutt,
Sometimes what we choose to go with isn't perfect but if it works stick with it.

We are all adults and as such have to be realistic , it's not a perfect World so it's full of compromises , at the moment the one I have is working . Most of the labels we toss around are only valid to us , they are often meaningless to our partners , if we convince them eventually we can give them enough stability they usually settle for that , I believe it's the point I've reached at the moment .

[AllieSF]

GM, I don't see what the OP posted as a take it or leave it situation. Yes, it is a what if type question. It is also a how about being honest scenario too. Take an honest loving partner who crossdresses, enjoys crossdressing and needs to crossdress, not transition, not go full time. In essence, what the questioned quote in the OP can be interpreted to mean is that the CD loves their partner so much, wants them to get on board if they can, recognizes that that might not be possible, and thus honestly tells their partner that this won't go away and they will continue to dress when the strong need arises. So, it means to me that they could break up now and that it is OK and understood why, because if the partner can't deal with it both parties will suffer over the long term and may break up eventually anyway. It is not saying let's break up. It is just presenting a very hard option that can also be considered. Why suffer for the long term? Nowhere did I read it as an ultimatum take it or leave it. Yes, it is honest and straight forward, maybe brutally honest to the SO. Also I read this as they partners have been talking about this issue before.

What would be a better way to do that? What words would you suggest? What words in the OP sound so wrong to you that you interpret it one way and I another.

OP - please tell us more what you mean, or help clarify your message. I am getting what you mean? Thanks

[Jaylyn]

I don't believe there's a set rule in every situation just as there's no set rule in every marriage. Every one changes and I agreed for better or worse, she agreed to the same statement. Well I think I might be the one that got worse but there are things that she ha changed in also. We did agree though that we still are very much in love, still accepting of each other's annoyances, and besides we tell each other I sure as heck don't want to break another one in. My wife is every thing to me, she tells me the same. At our age I think we will just stick it out till we are put in our graves.
I agree though with your last statement we have both ruined each other's lives.... But who else would I rather have them ruin mine with. I think I got a keeper.

[Sandra]

"The girl that lives in my head will never go away. She's too much a part of my being. I love you so much (her name) that I must give you the opportunity to leave, because you can't accept her, and i can never change.That choice is now yours."



My experience is a bit different in that I accepted Nigella warts and all :lol: When we got on the pathway to transition we went for monthly meetings at the hospital. Whilst we was there think it was the fourth meeting, Nigella said very much the same as what you have written, she gave me the opportunity to walk away, suffice to say I didn't walk I had no intentions to leave her.