Meeting other forum members. Genuine question?

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi all,

Over the next few weeks I have the opportunity to be out of town on business.

I have stated before that if anyone was to know about my CD activities that I would come out to my wife first.... However...

I have never had the opportunity to speak to anyone about it (other than posting on this site) and wondered if it would be a good idea to meet someone who has the same experiences as myself just to chat about what I'm experiencing.

I'm not talking in depth or anything radical, but a chance to meet someone who knows how it feels.

In the short time I've had to think about it I think it could be beneficial but have reservations about betraying my wife's trust by talking to someone before her.

Has anyone ever done this? Is it the right thing to do?

I will say that it in my mind it could be any scenario, the other person could be drab, dressed......whatever. The meeting would be in a public place and over a coffee perhaps...

Let me know your thoughts and all comments welcome.

Miss S x

[Pat]

I suppose it depends a bit on what you think "coming out" is and what your intention is when you talk to someone else. If admitting you're CD at all counts, then you've already done that on the forum. If, in your head, it only counts if you're talking to a physical human being then you might want to re-think that since it kind of dooms you to isolation from others with a common experience that might help you understand yourself better and prepare for that time you have The Talk with your wife. Seems kinda self-defeating. Is your intention to talk to the other person with yourself in drab or crossdressed? If the former, I think you're pretty solidly in the no harm column. If you're going to dress and meet others, maybe less so.

[Teresa]

MissS,
My wife chooses not to see me or talk about it on a regular basis , if you to talk to someone what harm will it do , if you have that need you have the right. If you were in a situation and wanted to talk, my group like many others are happy to see visitors dressed or in drab, it could open a new door for you and lead to something enjoyable in you life , you are entitled to do that it's not being selfish . Please have no fears about safety, or doing it in confidence you are perfectly safe meeting other Cders .
I would say the south coast is pretty good to find someone to meet up and chat to , I know one of our members often visits Brighton and has found it safe , friendly and open .

[Jean 103]

I have met a couple people from The Forum. The first person we got to know each other on the Forum before we met she lives like an hour or two from me. The other one is in the support group that I attend and I didn't know she was part of the forum until talking with her one night. I've met a number of transgender people one thing is they are all different. You can put it out there and maybe somebody is in your area would like to meet or find a group that you can attend. Or third find somebody on the Forum that you can become penpals with.

[Micki_Finn]

I'm going to play Devils advocate to Teresa here. Sure, you have a right to do what makes you happy, but it's also possible that your wife will see this as "emotional cheating" which could only compound an already difficult situation. I don't like using terms like "right" or "wrong" because every relationship is as unique as the people involved. How do YOU think your wife would feel if she found out that you went to someone else for emotional support?

[Meghan4now]

Miss S,

Yes! I have met several members of this forum in public, in my hometown, and on the road. For me, each and every time was great. Very good conversation, no "expectations". Both en femme and en homme. BUT I will say that I arranged it ahead, safe neutral location, and only met with people that I have read a lot from, and felt comfortable meeting.

I don't know you that well, but for me, it is a huge part of the experience

[Teresa]

Mikki,
My wife is totally happy I've met up with Carole, from the forum,( although she doesn't know about the forum ) and through her joined her social group, my wife accepted it was something I needed to do to deal with my Cding . She knows we are just friends and nothing more even when we have shared hotel rooms or stayed over. She doesn't considering it cheating, she doesn't want to be involved and accepts it as part of our compromise over my dressing issues, it was either that or we separated , it wasn't an ultimatum but a mutual agreement .

[AllieSF]

I strongly recommend that you meet and talk with someone. It will help no matter how far down the road that they are. Your proposed approach sounds good to me. Just don't expect that person to be the answer to your needs. It may take several meetings to find someone with whom you can relate and has experience pertinent to your situation. Another great option is to find a local support group. They also can work wonders for you. If you travel a lot, seek out others where you travel regularly. I have met several travelers and all the meetings have been fine. A lot were first timers or just beyond that initial point.

The only thing I would strongly recommend is that if you commit to a place, time and date, then show up, or call to cancel far enough in advance to let the other person know. I have been stood up a few times. I gave them one more chance, and then said goodbye if it happened again. Share cell phone numbers so that both have the option and ability to give that notice. Good luck.

Micki, most people seek others because they do not get that support at home. If the spouse asks why they didn't confide in her, then tell her the truth, "You didn't want to hear it." That is not being selfish. It is self survival. That is the problem with the out of sight - out of mind type of DADT. By all means give the spouse the opportunity first when they know.

[Carole]

Hi MissS (sorry long day) Teresa and I met up in drab over a coffee and tour of her town; we were able to 'suss' each other out and get to know each other, luckily we are not too distant apart and regularly meet outside of the social group environ for a round of golf.
It really depends on where you are working 'out of town' as to who you might approach to meet up with. Get to know a bit about each other via email then you can arrange to meet in person. As Teresa stated, Brighton is an ideal place as it has a very accepting attitude to the LGBT crowd, but then again so have so many places; I attended a 'vanilla' theatre, dressed, last night with 2 friends and had no problems whatsoever, well apart from trying to walk down a cobble street in 4.5 inch heels!!!
As to your personal situation, how do you think your wife would stand if you told her about your alternative lifestyle? Mine accepted it at first but gradually tried to sway me away from it, ultimately we split 2 years ago after 29 years of marriage.
Of course all here on the forum know you dress, so your telling her first has been blown out of the water technically.
Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions, we don't bite only want to help.

[Tamsin Secret]

Pat, thanks for responding. My first meet I would most definitely be in drab. Sorry if I didn't make it clear in my original post. For me it isn't about what anyone is wearing more so the opportunity to discuss CDing with a kindred spirit if you like.

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Teresa, I love reading your posts because your so positive. I believe it would lead to new things. More likely hopes and aspirations than actual experiences at this stage but all the same 😊

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Jean, you read my mind. That is how it should be and how I envisaged any potential meet.

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Micki, you picked up on my angst. I know she would feel betrayed. I would be able to justify my actions but it would not detract from how she felt. It is not her fault, she is sensitive and has a way of interpretation as we all do. I couldn't hold that against her.

It's tough, I feel I need to understand me better before I ever tell. I want to be fair and honest with her but at the same time maybe I need to be fair and honest with myself first and if that means seeking fair advice and experience before it could be a relationship saver?

Deep down though I know however I do things it will hurt her. I believe I know I'm nearing the revelation point and want to ensure that I'm as clear as I need to be in my own mind knowing what the possible consequence could be.

Thanks for reaching out
X

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Meghan,

Thanks for the positive response. I hope to have also messaged those before anything is arranged.

X

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Allie,
Absolutely agree that a commitment made is one to keep. It's a big thing if it ever happens for me and would be devastated if I was let down and would do all i could to alert someone I had agreed to meet if I couldn't meet that prior commitment.

I know it's not a perfect world and things change but would always be courteous either way x

[reb.femme]

Maybe this is a bit short on notice and a bit of a way to travel, but Transpals in south London has a meet up this Saturday evening? Drab or Fab.
I definitely need to get my part-time girl on, so I'll be there.

Unfortunately, Monday to Friday is a no-go for a meet up, as I travel to work round the M25, so a 12-13 hour day for me at present. I'll PM with some other details etc.

Becky

[Jaylyn]

There a couple of forum members that we visit by phone and I feel like I know them. We email each other and sometimes send pictures to each other. I feel I can trust those who I have private messaged and visit with. A couple have become I gues long distance friends. We may never see each other in person but it is neat to visit and talk. I've found we are similar in a lot of our thinking and feel like they are now a friend of mine.
The first phone talk was always the hardest. We usually email each other when we need to talk before any calls are made.
My wife doesn't really know but I don't feel like it is wrong in any way just talking.

[Tamsin Secret]

Thank you Becky, pm would be great 😊

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Jaylyn, I think this would be a natural next step and my thoughts on meeting someone maybe a step to far... My personality sais to me a meet would be more beneficial to me (agree that correspondence before hand is a must) as it may - shock horror - confirm or not that I need to take a step back or not and reflect on where my CD'ing goes next.

No pressure on anyone willing to meet!!!!

Miss S

[Rachael Leigh]

Anytime you can speak with another person who deals with and somewhat understands all we deal with I think is a good idea. I've had the chance to do it a couple of times only meeting in public and we were both dressed but we could talk freely
about many things and it really can be therapeutic. So yes if you can it can be good.

[JamieQ]

I too think it would be very beneficial to talk to someone who might "feel" some of what you feel. I met 2 members here. The first one we hit it off great despite of only having a few things in common, but due to the industry were both familiar with we actually know some of the same people. We have met maybe 5-6 times both en drab or en femme.

The other I met once en femme. She's an acquaintance of the first. That meeting went extremely well.

We don't know what tomorrow brings, so do yourself a great favor and meet some others ...you'll be glad you did...

[Sometimes Steffi]

I have met a number of girls from this forum. Sometimes I met them here first and then FtF, other times I met them FtF and then found out that they were here. I've met girls here that I invited to the Meetup group I attend, and I've found Meetup groups to attend when I'm out of town. I've met some both in boy mode, some both in girl mode.

I am in a big DC area TG group, so I've met a lot of girls, in all different circumstances: accepting wife, DADT, part time, full time, transitioned, etc.

I'm in a very DADT relationship, so it really helps my sanity to meet other girls on a regular basis. When I first started going out, I either didn't tell, or I lied about it. Eventually, I got tired of all the lies and just told my wife I was going out. But, she takes the DADT seriously and only asks me when I'm leaving and when she should expect me to return. I also have a good CD friend and I gave my wife her number in case of an emergency.

[alwayshave]

I have met a number of girls from this group years ago and recently when I went to a DC area Meetup.

[Aunt Kelly]

Miss Secret,
There are several issues in play here, it seems.
I gather that you have not come out to your wife. I fully understand how difficult can be the conflict that goes with that state of affairs, and we all know that "honesty" is no guarantee of a happy outcome (despite several uplifting accounts recently). Expanding your fem life (dressing more often, going out, etc.) is creating more that must be hidden. For you, there may be guilt associated with that. There will certainly be that much more hurt for your wife if/when she finds out.

On the other hand, you have already shared this part of yourself with others here. Doing the same in person, especially if in drab, is just more of that, in a much more personal context (face to face). I don't see any reason not to pursue that if it's something you think you might want.

[IleneD]

I did.
It was good; great actually, but I also have a few regrets about how I went about it.

It was a lunch date with another forum member (name withheld respectfully); a TG girl of maturity. We met in Guy Mode for sake of meeting a fellow stranger safely. Had a fantastic time. We had much in common as naturalists and with family. Spent very little time on CD/TG personal issues. It was all completely innocent and NOT a hook-up event; not at the ages and dress of the participants. It was just great to have another human face on someone else with MY condition; AND this person happened to be educated, counseled and quite enlightened on a scope of CD/TG issues.

My only regret is that I did it in secrecy. I knew, from The Talk and other conversations I've had with the Wife about my CD, that one of her fears was "escalation" and if I'd be hooking up with other men of similar persuasion. I've tried to repeatedly assure her it's not a sexual thing, but I understand her fears. I entered the waters of meeting other CD's for the first time without alerting her. I didn't even know what I'd find, let alone think of sharing it with her. But I won't do that again.

I'm getting to the point with The Wife that we can talk. Not regularly, but we talk about "it". She still shares her fears about my habit, but she knows. I've told her about going out dressed up. She's not cool with it but knows. She's seen me in various forms of dress (but never the full Ilene); in dresses, the wig, etc. She's trying to get a handle on it but remains confused and hurt. I'm taking baby steps as best I can; and attempting to understand this need I have too.
For the first time last weekend, she asked if I wanted to go to counseling. She didn't say if that meant "marriage" or "gender" counseling, but it's an encouraging sign. I'm beginning to think, after a long year or more of serious contemplation, speaking to a gender/ counseling professional may help me sort through the forest. More importantly, a counselor may be better able to explain Me to my Wife than I can; or at least help us both be at peace.

My recommendation, and if I had it to do over again (and even though I lucked out meeting a good girl),..... is don't do anything behind The Wife's back. If you haven't told her, if she doesn't already know about your crossdressing, then PLEASE find the means to tell her before you venture out to contact others. She is #1. (At least my wife knew long before I made my connection.)

I'm building and re-building the relationship with my Wife of 40 yrs. I gave her a surprise about a year ago, and we're still working the problem. My CD confession re-defined our relationship. It's impossible to avoid. I don't want to make continued mistakes in managing my CD life by "going out" to meet other CD's without my spouse also knowing or going along.

[docrobbysherry]

Secret, I've met between 50 and 100 cd.com members. Most at the 5 SCC's I attended in Atlanta. Maybe 10 locally in SoCal? And, a handful one on one over the years.

I can honestly say I don't recall one that was different from how they presented online. Or, one that I wouldn't like to meet again. No come ons, no hastles, no weirdness at all! :thumbsup:

[Tracii G]

If you feel reluctant you can meet up in guy mode and just talk and get to know each other over coffee or a meal.
I have met up with 4 or 5 from here and we had a great time.
Done everything from shopping to sight seeing at historical sites,walks in the park etc.
It is a great thing to be able to chat with a like minded person without feeling weird.
The people here are just like you and just reaching a hand out to help.
Its well worth doing.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Reading your thread made me realize that that I never met or spoke to anyone about my dressing before I told my wife. I told her less than a year into our, now, 49 year relationship. I wanted her to know before we got any more serious so she had a chance to end it if her love for me could not tolerate this part of me. Our love did weather it although it has been hard for her at times coming from a strict Irish Catholic background where men are men and women are women. She has known over the years about a crossdresser admirer friend of mine and my belonging to a support group for another period. She's always nervous about exposure because she is the product of a less accepting and liberal culture and generation, which is not her fault. So in answer to your question, if you have feelings for your wife like I do, I would tell her first before I would start friendships outside your marriage. Otherwise you could risk making her feel alienated and possibly isolated as well. This is something a couple has to work out together before spreading your wings.

[Jolene Robertson]

Hi Miss,S

My first meeting with another CD was a member from here, we met (my wife was along) in drab the first time and everything went great. Since then we have met up several times and with other sisters from here while dressed for a GNO. Everyone I've met from here has been great and we've had lots of conversations, and I have learned a lot and gained confidence in being out.

Wishing you luck with your adventure, please keep us posted.

Hugs
Jolene

[Tamsin Secret]

Thank you all for the responses, and generally it seems the rule that a bit of messaging first will set up for a likley trouble free meet.

I will take some more time to think things over and maybe use my upcoming trip away as a chance to spend more time as Miss S on my own without need to worry about time/interruptions etc etc of homelife.

This forum has been great thus far for me wether it be posting or reading others posts. It's just nice to see things written down by someone else who is experiencing what I am and dispels the thoughts that I'm some sort of 'freak' and that actually there are a lot more like minded people out there willing to share their experiences, good and bad, so that we (I) can put into context and begin to understand myself a little better.

X

[CassandraRae]

I'm in the same boat as you MissSecret. Not sure where I'm going with this and would love to have a sit down talk on the subject with another old guy like myself but, for now, the wife doesn't know so contact with other people seems inappropriate to me. That's just me, my wife and our situation in life though.

If one of my long time buddies suddenly came out to me as a CD I would certainly have LOT to discuss with him, without feeling like I was betraying my spouse. So why do I feel like purposely meeting a friend who is CD is wrong? I don't know.

[Tamsin Secret]

Cassandra Rae,

It is strange that we should feel that way however I believe for me it is the fact that I'm already hiding this side of me from her and 'meeting', however innocent, seems to feel an added untruth?

It's a conundrum as doing something like that has the aim of trying to better understand myself and could actually lead to a decision that the CD'ing isn't such a massive part of me and therefore slow down any momentum I seem to be gathering lately.

I've been dressing to some degree for over 30 years now and not told a sole and for the most part not felt the need to do so.

This may just be a more intense phase I'm going through which could subside but it feels a lot different this time round...

[Teresa]

Cassandra,
If you met up with another guy to play a round of golf or whatever , you may not think it's necessary to tell your wife so why the big difference meeting with someone who could help you out with your dressing questions ? I guess it's one word " GUILT !" If you haven't come to terms with your CDing then you are still going to have a sense of guilt and maybe shame . If you're not sure where your Cding will take you then you have another layer of guilt, you want to talk to someone to get things clearer in your head but that is accompanied by guilt.

It may help some to discuss the need to talk with your wife/partner but in other cases the reaction could be so bad it will leave you no where to go. The question is then who do you put first? If your wife had certain problems , are you totally sure you would be the first one she would discuss it with ?

[Tamsin Secret]

If your wife had certain problems , are you totally sure you would be the first one she would discuss it with ?

Teresa, this is a very valid point and actually when I think about it my wife would probably seek advice from close family/friends at least to sound things out.

But there in lyes the difference, we would be seeking those same sort of things but from relative strangers in comparison.

I think that's where the guilty bit comes in for me anyway.

[Teresa]

MissS,
That guilt label is a killer , my first counsellor tried me to stop gong round in mental circles with assumptions , much of it from the guilt complex, the " What ifs !" That was when I finally bit the bullet and came out to my son, it went well and the pressure it took off my wife was immense , if I'd asked her first she would have stopped me, that was a huge lesson learned . Sometimes you have to make those decisions for yourself, OK my consellor was an outsider and a professional but talking with her helped me see the sense in opening up and tying to be honest .

The other point I have also made with my wife was if she felt she needed to discuss my Cding with anyone it was up to her and none of my business , if it helps her to deal with it ,she knows I'm not concerned who knows .