Dressing over the top made me nervous

[Gen D]

Yesterday I had a few hours to myself to dress. I spent some time the day before buying some new stuff - things I haven't owned before.
I bought a "free-bra" and made me a cleavage (first time ever) and bought fake nails and fake lashes (I wore them once in a dressing service I went to, but this is the first time I did it home, by myself).
beside those innovation, I put makeup (which i becoming better and better), wig, corset, breast forms, dress and heels.
I did enjoy my self and the look I got - very much! (I promise to post some pics in the next few days)
but later on (and I think it started only after I took everything off) I started to have bad feeling and got nervous:

am I going to far? to much?
My wife, which is not want to see me dress now, and by her self is not using makeup have no nails and is on the mild side, - how can I show her me in this "full" transform?
I myself, in my Boy mode, don't like women with all this makeup and nails and and and.... how, the hell, can I expect my wife to like me like that? (I hope that some day she will want to see me again, there is a chance for that)

and I know the simple answer is - so don't wear it all!
and I did explained her once (after she asked me because of the dressing and makeup) that I don't prefer women with a lot of make up, but I need it because I need all those "transformation aids" the become a "woman" and she is a woman all ready.
But all of this is really bothering me - This inner conflict - Love it and dislike it in the same time.
I looked on the photos I toke - make me very happy and pleased, but than those bad thoughts...

Just had to share and the it out of the system... I am so Happy I have this forum to share.
Going to watch those pics again...

[MonicaGirly]

Well one of the big reasons we dress in the first place is to be more comfortable with ourselves and to get a sort of happiness from it. My suggestion would be maybe you could dial it down a bit on a normal basis; to a more comfortable level, and save all of the extra and fancy stuff for special occasions. That way when you do go the extra mile it's more of a treat.

In guy mode, I don't typically go all out and wear a suit or my nicest shirts and shoes everywhere. I wouldn't dress the same on a Friday night out as I would on a Tuesday afternoon trip to the grocery store.

I hope that makes sense?

[Tracii G]

Monica's suggestion is very sensible.
When you dress you don't have to go to the max. I guess a lot of members here that are in DADT relationships feel the HAVE to go the nines when they dress because they don't get to dress that often.
Dressing in a more casual manner is OK as well as not a full war paint face. Just light make up sometimes is better.
I think that may be where your "conflict" is plus you like many others just over think everything.
The more you question yourself the more conflict in your mind it creates.

[Fiona123]

I have often thought that some gals overdo it. Too much boob, too much make up, dresses that are too tight and so forth. Maybe less is more.

[MonicaGirly]

Thinking back on it, I had a sort of similar dilemma at one point. So I combated it by dressing in some casual clothes, jeans and a cute top, really light makeup (looking kind of like my avatar picture) and just sat down, chilled and watched a few episodes of Vikings and Veep.
Remember, girls like to be comfortable too.

Also, don't guilt trip yourself when you practice your makeup. Practice is something you have to do to be ready for when it counts; whether that be going out or just taking photos. So maybe that mentality will help ease the guilt.

[Brandy Mathews]

I have )always enjoyed my makeup, false lashes, false nails, and all the stuff that goes along with it. They make me feel very good and I feel very pretty when I have them all on. Have always been a makeup girl, especially lipstick, probably own 100 different shades. Have learned to tone it down through the years but when I dress, all of those things are just me, and I enjoy that too. ;)

[Helen_Highwater]

If you have the freedom to dress as often as you like then putting on makeup, false nails and eye lashes are just another part of the routine.

If however dressing time is scare and precious then if the opportunity presents itself to go the whole nine yards it's hard to resist. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. Just think of it as experimentation, an opportunity to see what's possible. We all will at some time pushed the envelope so just tick it up to experience and wait for the when you can spend even more time "full on".

[NicoleScott]

It's easy for someone without the desire to dress OTT to tell you to just tone it down. I am driven to dress OTT but I recognize the conflict. Going out is one conflict, and my way of resolving it was to limit where and when I went. I tried toning it down as another way of resolving the matter, but it was very unsatisfying to me. So dressing the way it pleased me was a necessity. Now, I mostly stay in, and happily dress my way. I am fortunate that my wife doesn't mind that I go OTT, I suppose because she understands that's how I'm driven and it doesn't hurt anything. How she dresses or makes up has no bearing on my preferences, and vice versa.
My crossdressing is very compartmentalized. I get it out, have fun, and put it away to resume my life as a guy. It doesn't threaten my wife.

[Teresa]

Gen,
You haven't got over the guilt feelings of dressing yet, it also sounds as if you haven't found yourself , no identity and maybe at the moment it's an act you're putting on , trying to look like the perfect woman . As you say your wife doesn't go for all that , not many women do in day to day life. I prefer to go as natural as possible, don't forget I'm out socially so most of the time I have to think about a balanced look. I did ask that question of what the public expect.
Dressing and being nervous at home won't pass until you are out of the closet and feel comfortable with yourself , maybe you are overdoing it with thinking about every little detail but the plus side is you can have as much fun as you like . That does mean the build up of the feel good chemistry and the down feeling is when that ebbs away , that will eventually level out, it has had to for me and I'd guess many others who go out the door .

[Ashley090]

My opinion? You kind of can't get over the top, bcs who define what is that so called "top"? There are some rules? Law? Nope, only general opinion or lood of society that define it. Same goes for what is called "normal". So nom you did not went over top or overdo, you just did what you like, what you want. And I would say, do whatever floats your boat. Also keep in mind that for many CDers makeup is make or break in theri feminine image. GGs can go out and about without makeup and they are fine and nobody care, but CD in 99% can't do same thing long as she doesn not care about not being recognized or so.
Also you said you wife does not wear that many femine stuff on daily basis, but that does not mean girls in general don't wear it. Fake nail or lashes? Actualy many have them on normal day. Makeup? That is VERY individual. Some of girls do, some of them dont. Some do full makeup every morning, some just lets say, eyeliner and mascara. Of course big colorful eyeshadows, bright lipstick or crazy cat eyes ARE kind of something you don't see girl wearing everyday when going to work BUT even such girls do exist, sooo don't mind.
My final thought: Don't feel guilty or bad or anything like that, but go on and wear whatever you like, whatever you makes you happy. Overtime this "bad feeling" will go away little by little. I felt same....

[Shannon michelle]

I tend to be drawn to more everyday styles but I really want to find an over the top outfit with sky heals and all.

[Aunt Kelly]

Gen,
I think Teresa is onto something. You have yet to "find yourself", which is a slightly glib way to say that you have yet to come to terms with your need to express that feminine part of you. How "far" you need to take it will probably become clear over time. Even so, that may well change ...over time. It does for many of us. Complicating things is your relationship with your spouse and the conflict that presents. Alas, we can't help much with that, beyond being sympathetic to a very common problem for us.

Just give your girl self some time to find her place.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie.

[SometimesKairi]

I think the best way if you get into that kinda thinking again is "would a GG do this?"
That works for me. Would a GG put on full makeup to watch TV? I kinda doubt it.

[Paige Dehart]

Gen, your wife is your wife, she has her own sense of style and likes what she likes. This should have no bearing on how you like to dress and present yourself. IMHO you should neither try to compare yourself to her or what you like to see on a GG make up wise.
There really is nothing wrong with trying to look and feel your best and no shame in making the effort to achieve those goals. Since your wife, as you say, at this time is not interested in seeing you dressed then for now you are dressing to please yourself.
Only you know where the inner conflict is really coming from whether it is because of the difference in how you like GGs to look and how you like yourself to look or because of some deeper feeling you have not expressed.
Many of the ladies here have a good point try dialing back to a more casual look and see how you feel. If you are comfortable and happy then save the rest for the times when you want or need to look and feel extra pretty.
Traci is absolutely correct in saying “The more you question yourself the more conflict in your mind it creates.”
I hope that you can come to terms with your inner conflict soon.

[Cheryl James]

Though I am still in learning mode, I enjoy doing my make-up. The entire process of trying my best to arrive at a look that will allow me to feel comfortable with my presentation has become very relaxing and fun for me. It is, though, time-consuming and difficult to do properly. If I commit that amount of effort and time into it, then, I am going out. It seems a waste to put that much time and effort into it and, then, to not go out.

If I know that I am not going out, then, I dress very casually and would skip most of the make-up. I might wear some lipstick and, perhaps, some powder and blush, but it would be very toned down.

[docrobbysherry]

Gen, most of us start out by just putting one or 2 items on. But, few of us stop there. Eventually, as Nicole said, some of us just aren't comfortable dressing unless we go the whole nine yards!:battingeyelashes:

But, others r quite happy to just throw on girl sweats or jeans! Find out what makes U happy and do that!:)

[Gen D]

First thing first - I promised to post some pics - here they are (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?249827-Upgrades), and I really like them!

Second - I love this forum. I know that write it doen here, and read all you comments will fix my mind and will give me the perspective I needed. Thank you all! defiantly worth the language straggle.

Third - I spoke with my wife about all this - a very good and relaxing conversation. she was very understanding. she in a process now with therapy to figure out her boundaries and to fin out how much of my dressing she can accept.

and now - some comments on your comments:

“The more you question yourself the more conflict in your mind it creates.” - I know. I am expert in making stuff bigger and worse in my mind... working on it .... and it is probably the main rezone for my nervousness.
"the "would a GG do this?" test" - I kind of disagree - a GG look (and is) feminine without doing a thing. a cross dresser as to do something to like feminine - of course there are different levels of doing it.
"going out" - can't see that happening in the near future, maybe, in a while, someplace abroad.
"finding myself" - defiantly. I red someplace that crossdresser tend to to all the mistakes teenage girl those with clotes, makeup etc. - exploring (and having fun doing it)
"tone down" - I try to go over all the spectrum. I started not long ago to dress more casuals- like that too.

and again - thank you all

[Nikki A.]

There have been some great answers here so I figure I'll add my two cents. Now I am only talking about me and I would never tell you what you should do.
When I dress to go out I do like to get completely dressed, makeup, skirt or dress and some shape ware (no padding other than cutlets, but with them I'm a C or D cup) and wig. I feel comfortable and look reasonably OK. Yes there is a sadness when I have to take everything off. Early on I felt the guilt that you feel. Finally I realized that I am doing nothing wrong, it is a part of me and will be a part of me.

[Roxanne]

My problem with OTT dressing is that I don't want to do it if I can't do it well. I would rather look like a frumpy old woman than a clownish drag queen. When I do want to be more glam, I need my wife's help with makeup and hair. I really need to find a pro TG makeover specialist in Clearwater. Any suggestions?

[Sarah Doepner]

Is it possible you feel uncomfortable because you don't know where the "Top" actually is? When I attempted to learn to rock climb I found myself in situations where I was exposed to danger, but safe because of ropes and harnesses and limited distances to actually fall. I often thought I had gone "over the top" only to discover there were additional, longer, more exposed pitches to be faced. It sounds like you are exploring and have achieved a new height that frightens you. Now you know you can go there and safely return. The next time you do the same thing there will be a level of confidence you didn't have before. Your reaction to that will probably be different and have a new variety of components. Instead of the exhilaration of the new look, you may find there are technical flaws in what you did with your makeup or body shaping or the outfit you selected.

I'll go out on a limb here and guess that you will do this again. It's a pretty common way we explore this world of gender expression and a means of assessing where we feel the best and most authentic. If it frightens you, try to understand what is the scary part. Is it the desire to go farther or that you have moved beyond the point you need to scratch this particular itch. Once (if) you figure that out, you can take the next steps forward, sideways or back, but you will be able to do it with a better understanding and acceptance of who you are.