Letting it all go

[Rachael Leigh]

To those who have a DADT relationship but still have those talks with the spouse about what it is we do
do you ever think you could just let it all go and say ok I had my time and I'm done now I'm not going
to dress anymore or I'm not going to go out and well I'm just going to change and be your man?
It's a really a difficult task I think to do this, many like myself have dealt with this part of ourselves
with all the self loathing and trying to think we must be crazy for so long. We brought it into our
marriages maybe with their knowledge or maybe not but it's here it's part of our life.
Can it really be removed from us so easily and do we the CD fool ourselves into thinking we can't live
without it?
These are questions I think many ask themselves and once they think they have an answer then once
agsin they question why? I've done it to the point where I just accepted myself finally as who I am
a part time girl in a sense and knowing I'm not really a born female I still know I've got a part of me that has this desire or choice I've made to let this part to move forward in me for whatever reason.
My wife says it's rebellion and maybe it is and if so what am I rebelling against.
I do fight my maleness at times and do wish I had been born a girl but it's not how God designed me so
now I'm stuck with this part of me that creates havoic for my wife and for me as I dont want to move
backwards but to just try and be the best me I can be and if that means I've got a somewhat feminine
part then so be it.

It's not fair though for our SO in so many ways and I get it but can we just let it go or do we just try and make our life with our SO as pleasnt and happy as we can and hope to God it's enough

Rachael Leigh

[Kate Simmons]

When you think about the possibility of past lives, it tends to make a bit more sense. Not everyone believes that, however. it works for me though. :)

[Danielle t]

You can say it again that's how I thank all the time and we beat ourselves up about it

[Dana44]

Leigh, I do agree we have to accept ourselves. It took me a lifetime to accept myself and also find a woman that loves me for me. True love and she accepts this part of me. So I am glad that you are trying real hard. Yes it is hard on our SO sometimes and she let's me know. But is acceptable and even dressed as girly as I can be, she always finds a way to have me drive her somewhere and get something from a store. LOL

[Meghan4now]

Leigh,

Yes, I do have those thoughts run through my mind. And over the years, I've been up and down. Did a total purge at 42, but now dressing is back and stronger than ever. It's hard because we love our wives, and want to live unimpeded lives. Balancing this part of our lives is difficult. And it also hurts to have part of you rejected and hidden from your love.

So I really don't have any good advice for you. I really get where your comming from. But just because God didn't make us F.A.B., Doesn't mean he made us to be totally butch.

[Tina_gm]

It really depends on the individual and their circumstances. For some, it's a casual once in a while thing. For them, letting it all go may be possible, but likely they will have the desires from time to time. For those of us who are a bit more toward the middle or in between, it can be done, but likely at great cost to our happiness, fulfillment and perhaps our sanity. It's best for those of us who really do feel femininity to be an integral part of our being to have a life where we do get the opportunity to express ourselves. That does mean finding a partner who can at least accept us for that and be ok with time for expression, even if it is not with them.

[Vikky]

Hi Leigh

An interesting thought you have posted. I came to CDing after many years of denial and bottling it up, and only after retiring and starting an attempt at some bucket list projects. CDing, for me, was one, and I do it in a DADT arrangement with tacit approval from my SO.

I accept that it is something she never bargained for, and now I may not be fully the ‘man’ I was, although given I only dress for a few hours each week at home when she is around, more when she is away, I am not sure she has to put up with much – I suspect it is just the thought that I am feminizing myself.

We were married over 40 years ago in a traditional church ceremony, although I have never been a Christian, she only minimally. But the ‘contract’ at the wedding ceremony was ‘for better or worse’. We have had good times and some hard times, but when we married who was to know my CDing would appear, just like an accident, health condition – you just have to make the best of it.

What if the circumstances were reversed – she started dressing much more butch, even making herself much more male. How would I feel? I don’t know, but I hope I would accept it and support her.

Wandering ramblings but I hope they contribute to the pool of thoughts.

Vikky

[Gen D]

Have a lot of those thoughts myself - Am I just playing? Is it fair for my SO? etc.
I did get to the point in which I can say to my wife - This is who I am. It is a part of me and I am not going to stop (and that was hard to get here).

I think the self accepting is the most important (even if you stay in DADT or home dress only)

[Rachelakld]

Rebellion has a goal, so if you have lived a normal life, to rebell may be to make a less ordinary life - which could also mainfest in 1) extreme sports, 2) drinking away the bordom, 3) swappng wives/partners regularly, 4) join an outlaw bikie gang.
These 4 options would possibly help reduce/stop cross dressing if it's to rebell.

Unfortunately if it's not rebellion, and it's part of a deeper self, then we are stuck with it the same way we are stuck with our own brain.

I also want to be the best of me, and if I can't occassionally cross dress, my wife gets to see bad/grumpy parts of me, so to give her the best of me, I need to be the best FOR me.

[Rachael Leigh]

So far I'm really enjoying these responses and I do think it's because many here do deal with much the same, it's a shame we can't get more perspective of the GGs those who do accept and those who just live with it.
I will say this, putting these kinds of things out there is really good theropy for me and I do enjoy others thoughts on it all

[Tracii G]

I think you all are just too hard on yourselves.
God made me who I am I didn't chose.

[StephanieM]

do you ever think you could just let it all go and say ok I had my time and I'm done now I'm not going
to dress anymore or I'm not going to go out and well I'm just going to change and be your man?


When I got married the first time. I thought that I could do that. Turns out I was wrong.

[Lana Mae]

It does not seem to go away! My wife told me no other woman in the relationship and I accepted that! I tried so hard but in 34 years of marriage I wore panties 3-4 times and immediately purged them-Guilt? It does not go away! When my wife passed away, in about 30 days it hit like a tidal wave! I now know so much more than I did just a few years ago and I have no guilt and no shame about dressing! It is part of who I am and can not be denied! Forgive yourself first then move on from there! IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

[Teresa]

Leigh,
Maybe it isn't a rebellion but more of a coming home , accepting what has been the cause of all you anguish and guilt.


I see it slightly differently , I raised a question a while ago about hormones and reducing the T levels, in some cases it can reduce the need to dress , so I asked myself the question after all this time of fighting it do I really want to stop , the truthful answer is NO !
Is it fair on our partners ? Well not all object to it , I've been surprised how many accompany the CDers to my social group, besides the honesty issue works both ways, did all of us know everything about our wives when we married them ? We often joke about wives claiming they will change their husband, or tame them , why is it always that way round ? Many of us can be good partners despite CDing if given an honest chance, we aren't criminals or outcasts is it fair we are treated like that on occasions ?

[IleneD]

To those who have a DADT relationship but still have those talks with the spouse about what it is we do
do you ever think you could just let it all go and say ok I had my time and I'm done now I'm not going
to dress anymore or I'm not going to go out and well I'm just going to change and be your man?......Rachael Leigh

Rachel,

Your post came at the perfect time to resonate with me and my own situation.
I am scared to death about my marriage or at least the long term "damage" or changes that are happening before my very eyes. And yes, I am talking to the Wife, but I know her patience is waning. She may have reached the end of her tolerance.

The one thing that resonated you said was '... change and be your man." My wife has iterated that same theme a number of times as we tried to make sense and order out of my "coming out" about a year ago. She wants her man back. All my life with her, she knew I was odd and eccentric but not entirely "this"; but she always knew and loved me as her Man; a teacher, a father, a fighter pilot, one who had all the man-card tickets punched. She wants THAT back; the man she knew for 40 yrs.

And I frankly GET THAT. I understand. I try to reassure her THAT man still exists, is still The Same Man inside; same values, same love. This is not an easy feat for a man in a dress.
I know this perspective makes it all about her and her feelings. But those are vital in this enterprise. So far it has been all about me (and Ilene).
I'm not ready or capable at this point of putting Ilene totally away. I have much work to do in managing part time life as a woman, otherwise it's back into The Closet and I'm not going back there, ever.
Thanks, Rachel. Thanks for the reminder to put things into perspective. Keep priorities straight.

[Kandi Robbins]

It has been my experience that happiness has to come from within. I spent a life with many great things around me (a wonderful wife and family, many friends, etc.), but something just wasn't right. It came and went, came when my mind wasn't otherwise occupied, went when life kept me busy. After a decade from hell (not at all CD related), I finally stopped fighting it and accepted it. I just wanted to be happy, was sick of being pissed at the world. Once that happened, I changed. Once I told my wife and she accepted, I changed again. Once I figured it all out as to what it all meant to me, I changed again. None of these were conscious changes, they just happened, I just evolved. The one thing we cannot allow ourselves to do is beat ourselves up about how we feel. This is easier said than done (as I only took about 50 years to do it!), but we are not hurting anyone, we didn't sign up for this willingly. I would lose it in a heartbeat of that were even remotely possible. It's not, it's me, it makes me happy and as a result, I make others happy when I'm around. We have to find the best way to make it work, not easy, but possible. Make any sense?

[Alice Torn]

Thank you for the thread, Leigh R. i am never married, have not dated in many years, but still yearn for a lady friend, to date. But, this part of me, is real, and is getting stronger. I know my religion forbids, it too, and all the women i have talked with, think it is not good, except for my therapist. i doubt she would want her husband to do it, though. NIMBY! i am a blue collar 63 yo outdoorsy, hands dirty and greasy guy, , but i must admit i wish i was born a female at times. i am also artistic, and i believe much of my dressing is artistic creation, and fantasy, too. There is surely a sexual sensual reason, also. As an old bachelor, i feel so robbed of the female closeness i longed for all my adult life. I also am only sexually attracted to tall, leggy women, and i dress up as a six foot ten in high heels long legged lady, i dream of. But, most of my dating was with short ladies. It seemed short heavy ladies were always the only ones who wanted to befriend me. Sorry i got off topic. Could i totally quit crossdressing as Alice, for a lady friend? I believe it is possible, but, the desire would not go away. I believe the human is very adaptable, and it is possible to quit something one enjoys greatly, BUT, the desire, and compulsion, would be very difficult to always resist. For the one you made a lifelong commitment to, til death, I believe man must do as much as possible to love his wife, and , if it hurts her a ton for me to dress, i would try hard, and pray that i had power to curtail it some, at least. I know it wuold be very hard for you, and others with not so tolerant wives. I do a lot of soul searching, especially in the springtime. I do believe i would do more things with others, maybe volunteer more, and NOT ISOLATE AS MUCH, if i quit dress up. I know it can take over my whole life, and i really do value my guy side, and am born a male. But have this affliction, that i enjoy. But,, if circumstance hit me , to where i simply could not dress, i know i could survive, however, it would not be too easy to quit. I could replace some of it, with other interests, like playing sports, ice skating, roller skating, bowling. But part of me, would still desire to do it. Again, thank you for the deep thread. It is not easy being married to a lady who is not in favor of her man doing this, and i empathize. I would have a very difficult time being married with this thing i do. It takes real character to compromise with a mate, and do your best to love her, and not hurt her with this thing we do,.

[sweetdreams]

Leight you've hit on the theme for my life right now. Just want to be who I am, and the best I can be, but yet hit a balance with the SO.

[docrobbysherry]

I LIKED doing all these things but I gave them up because I wanted to:

I gave up sweet drinks because too much sugar or fake sweeteners r bad for u.
I gave up heavy drinking because it's bad for u.
I gave up eating snacks before going to bed because I wanted to lose weight.
I gave up smoking dope because smoking is bad for u.
I gave up dating because Sherry is too important to me.

I think I could give up dressing. But, I like it and I DON'T WANT TO!:brolleyes:

I think anyone could give up dressing if they really WANTED TO------:straightface:

[Rachael Leigh]

Sherry I think your more spot on then you know, the want to is just not there. I think maybe because it's been around for so long. I think there is more to as well but your right I don't want to and well I just have to manage it as best I can

[ginapoodle]

Really superb and deep question. Great responses, and thanks to all.

Hits at the core of my deep Spiritual work right now: being authentic, and whole, and who I really am.

It takes work, introspection and courage. So far many questions remain unresolved as I value relationships.

[Becky Blue]

Great thread Leigh, i think at the end of the day it depends on why you do what you do. I started a thread about why we do what we do. If we dress because we like to it is probably easier to stop, but if it is because we need to or have to, then how can we stop and still be happy in life?

It sounds as if you would not be able to give it up, as clearly you are more than 'just' a CD. I can't imagine that any part of you is rebelling is perhaps escaping from your male world a better description?

[Cheryl James]

Growing up I, like many others, thought that I was the only person in the world that did this. I wished that I would wake up and be, either, a girl or a boy...girl, if possible, I hated myself. I beat myself up over my desire to dress.My wife hates everything about it. But, now, finally, I have come to accept myself. I am OK. Dressing is not a horrible thing for me or anyone else. I freely admit that I cannot quit and I do not want to.

[Teresa]

Sherry,
I can't go along with some of your withdrawal points, In different circumstances I wouldn't give up on dating, because women are part of my equation .
I really can't accept that anyone can stop CDing if they wanted to, you were a late starter, mine surfaced at the age of 8-9 years and it took far too long to find out what was going on . Now I'm finally coming to terms with it and finding peace with it there's no way I can or will give it up , why do I want to ? It's part of me and has been from birth it's like turning my back on an inner part of me declaring it doesn't exist.

[Helen 2]

I'm not going to go out and well I'm just going to change and be your man?


That right there is my biggest problem because I am her man, I just happen to be a man who loves to be feminine.

That was my biggest difficulty with my wonderful -and also DADT- wife...she realizing that I was who I was, for better or worse, richer or poorer, etc etc.
And she knew before we married, because I did not want to keep my other half a secret from her.
Did she try to 'change me'? Of course....and I tried too, with more counselling than I would wish on my worst enemy -and it was the counsellor who finally told her 'you know [her name], he's not going to change....you know that, right?'

Decades later, my wife finally admitted that 'probably one of the reasons you are such a good husband is because of your feminine side' and I took that as a huge complement.

I'm me. 4" heels and all....I'm me

[faltenrock]

I think it is extremely important to accept your self as who you are, that includes all your characteristics as a human being. If you have disability, scars or whatever, if you don't accept that part of yourself, you may not be happy in life at all.

I also had those questions many times until I realized I need to accept that part of me as all other parts as well. It's not easy but possible. being a CD does not make us a bad person, perhaps it makes us more sensitive in our relationships.

[Judy-Somthing]

Well it's been three months since I touched any girl clothes.

I see a lot saying the wife wants their man back.

What about the man wanting their girl back.

My wife dresses up nice but dose not wear dresses like she did thirty years ago.
I really miss the times when she use to wear sexy dresses and lingerie.

[GretchenM]

For some the dressing is not a reflection of a feminine identity, but to others it is very much that. For the latter, dressing is an expression of something that is there in the identity that comes out and stays out or flickers off and on to various degrees. I believe you have to find what your motivation is. If it is just a fun little game that gives you some good feelings, then stopping is possible if you can find something to replace that with. But if the desire to dress is preceded by really deep and strong senses that who you are most of the time (masculine/male) just isn't quite right and a powerful need to match the outward expression with the inner feelings then quitting is not likely to work in the long run.

On the other hand, we are trying to juggle our inner feelings with a need to at least meet some of the expectations of a SO who does not and really cannot fully understand the whys of all of this. That creates a lot of conflict in our lives and in someone who needs to express feminine when the identity comes on strongly that creates guilt because you know you are not meeting expectations. In my experience, compromises are the only feasible solution. If I were to be Gretchen all the time the marriage would dissolve. We rarely talk about it, but she knows when I am getting those feelings as my behavior patterns tend to change and I seem conflicted, more serious, and more moody like I am depressed. It isn't depression; it is gender dysphoria. We have developed a way of managing it. But for me, the identity is more important than the expression of that identity so the dressing is not absolutely essential so long as I can express the identity in my views of life and my daily thinking. Everybody has their own patterns because if there is a need due to an identity, irrespective of whether it is full time or part time, the playing the compromise may not be ideal but it is for the best of all. If you wish to continue the marriage then management on the part of both parties is necessary. But forcing the other to do what they don't want to do or don't understand so the one can do as they please never works for long. In my opinion, well designed compromises are the only viable solution in the long run unless the SO is willing to accept fully who the other person is. It happens and it can be very successful, but it is rare.

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a DADT marriage. I think the last time we had any discussion was more than three decades ago. It has been a true DADT. My wife says absolutely nothing about it. There are no snide remarks. There are no condescending comments. Sometimes she comments about a news program we are watching. I know she would not stay with any man who would transition to being a woman. On occasion I have not put away a panty or bra. She will tell me she picked it up and placed it on top of the washing machine. I do not modify my body in any manner. I do not shave my legs because I have no hair follicles on my calves or thighs.

I told my wife decades ago that I do not know why I do what I do. I told her wearing women's clothing has nothing to do with her. It predates me even meeting her. I was not dressed up by my mother or aunt. I have no female cousins. My sister was born when I was twelve. I told her life would have been a lot less complicated if I did not wear women's clothing. She knows I have never strayed in our marriage. She knows I have been a good provider and protector. I always put other before myself. I have done things society demanded of me which I am sure only a very minute number of forum members have done.

What made me this way? It's all conjecture.

1) Past lives? My wife actually believes there may be an influence of a past life. I've read accounts of these, and, some seem to be rather convincing. Did a woman who lived before me imprint something in my mind before she moved on? Maybe.

2) DNA? My PTSD counselor is of the opinion everyone has some degree of the other sexes' DNA code. She says it is stronger in some than others. When I was growing up as a rough and tumble boy I had zero interest in any feminine. It was sports. It was playing cowboys and Indians and war....post World War 2 kid who watched westerns such as The Lone Ranger, Gene Autry, etc. Again, no sister. No female cousins. Yada yada.

1 and 2 sound plausible. Think about it. Why in the world would any man want to dress as a woman and endure the endless hardships and torments that come with it? Pleeeeeasse do not retort you love the feel of the fabric, the colors, the whatever!!!

I think a woman who truly chastises her husband for wearing women's clothing really really has a closed mind and does not want to consider any reasoning. Think about it! For her to accept cross dressing in her husband is also casting her into an unfavorable light as to the norms and expectations of a woman in our society. I truly love reading on this site about women who have acknowledged their husbands needs to express their inner selves. Amen!

[CherylFlint]

I used to think that way, then I'd "purge".
BIG mistake and the cycle would start all over again.
I think I've "purged" a total of 4 times.
And if the question ever arises, I just pack everything in boxes and in the attic or rental storage unit they go.
No more "purging", ever.
Will I ever stop dressing? Who knows, but even if I do I'll never "purge" again.
Can you believe it? I still miss my mini-pleated red tartan skirt that I "purged" over 20 years ago.
So, yes, maybe I'll stop dressing but I'll never get rid of ANYTHING. Besides, it's kind of like a child's security blanket, knowing it's all still within reach.
I've got way too much time, effort and money invested in Cheryl's wardrobe to turn my back on her for keeps.

[Nikki1983]

About 4 months ago my husband wanted to purge, he thought I didn't accept it. The reality was that I didn't want to push him or embarrass him. We had been together for 14 years when I found his clothes. I thought it was another woman, but it was him. I accepted and even asked him why he didn't share sooner. He was terrified I would leave.

I don't care if he gets tired of it, or wants to quit, but I will never let him purge, just in case he changes his mind. He never has to do it, but we have discovered so much about each other and our relationship has grown so much since he has opened up more. I've even convinced him to go to a few clubs and dress to go in few select public places.

[Alice Torn]

Leigh, and Sherry, I must admit, part of me would like to quit, but, i really do not want to totally quit, like some people have told me to do, and which church says to do. So, i must mostly hide it, as it is a part of me, that i cannot seem to totally quit. I wish the wives who read this forum, and other GG's could see that.
Like Thoreau wrote, "The masses of men lead lives of quiet desperation." "It seems to me, that at least in America, the masses of women lead lives of loud expression."
- - - Updated - - -

Stephanie. Thanks for the share. I really cannot understand the whys either. i have several reasons, but not the whole thing. My church greatly condemns it, so i have not attended for 7 years. It is all "straight as an arrow" longtime married men with kids and grandkids who are the ministers! They ,just like many in society, and religion, just say it is rebellion, and perversion. I do not consider long time married, faithful husbands like you, and others on here, as rebellious perverts!! Hell, legendary lawman J. Edgar Hoover is rumored as a crossdresser, and even gay, and i know he greatly upheld the ten commandments!! i believe there is some genetic DNA issue involved, and maybe some, experiences in early life, also. But, in my case, it is also being kept from the opposite sex, and being taught that "sex was dirty", and "skin was sin", and shame, and not having a real chance to have a love, and mate in my life. I now think, that even if i had married, i would still have the strong compulsion, though, now. I just wish the rigid , condemning people would realize, that there are exceptions, to the rules, and some of us , are decent people, and not perverts.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rachael:hugs:, I think that Crossdressing is just like the Mafia, (YOU JUST CAN'T QUIT )>Orchid

[ginapoodle]

Just fascinating discussion here. I will share that during my first, full on, professional transformation--the first time I looked in the mirror as Gina fully realized: I had a true deep experience of "that is the real me". I still have those pictures, and the memory comes back. For a few years I had several transformations, went out a few times and fully experienced my feminine self. Then it all slowly died out like a blazing fire to coals. Now we are DADT, for years, no discussion at all.

However I re-opened the Gina "box" and I continue to examine myself, the Spiritual aspects, within the framework of 63 years, life is short, and career finished.

I tend to "transcend" the physical feminine expression mostly, but deep within I am very feminine a lot of the time. But, not always. As far as being a "manly man"-- I can emulate that, but truly I think my wife married me because I am sensitive, a great communicator (mostly) and made a great father, faithful and reliable. All except, of course, lying to her for years about my second self.

I am working the problem. Thinking seriously about a Portland, OR trip to have a week as Gina, and see how it goes, how I feel about it, and be open to my wife about the results. That door is opening as a very, very close friend in the Portland area just got an all clear on surgeries for uterine cancer. The trip would be best if I can see my friend. She was the first to genuinely help me with makeup, dressing and self acceptance.

[Tina_gm]

Getting back on topic a bit.... a lot on here will use a thread like tgis to proclaim we shouldn't, or it shouldn't be done, or that they cant/We can't. While all those have merit, the topic really is about the what if. I could, forever if the circumstances, which would be extreme, such as a kid, or my wife becoming permanently disabled and needed 24hr. Care. Under a circumstance like that is quit. Sometimes life gives you a hand to play that just is what it is. Not fair by any means. But, for me in such a circumstance, is give it up, let it go simply because so much of MY life would be centered in such a manner that dressing would just be a distraction. Not enough time to enjoy it. My kid would need their father, my wife would need the husband she married to care for her, and I would not make deviations for that. Sometimes a greater calling or sacrifice is needed, and I would without hesitation accept that fate.