couples? ladies?

[girlfriend]

Hello everyone, I have been dating the man in my life for over 5 years. A couple of years ago he told me he was a cross dresser. Over the last few years he has worn some girly things around me panties, jewelry but I have never seen him dressed up (my choice). He has not had a lot of opportunity to explore his female side. Over last the couple of months he has made some new friends and has gone out a few times. He is not a drinker and normally does not go to bars. So we have hit a new phase in our relationship. The idea of him going out to bars with people I don’t know scares me, and I will admit that it makes me jealous and insecure. He says that the bars are about the only safe place for him to go. I wasn’t as supportive as I could have been but I also feel like he wasn’t as understanding as he could have been. I am looking for suggestions as to how to navigate this new situation. I found that there are lots of articles saying why it’s great to date a CD but I really can’t find any that address the negative side of it and how to work through the hard stuff. Help?

[Rachael Leigh]

Well first off I'm not one to go to bars and yes I think they can have their problems.
For me going out is just shopping and doing everyday things in safe places.
I do understand the friends thing because other CDs get each other.
Honestly I would be concerned if these are lady friends he's going with to me that should be beyond the boundaries.
Just my two cents worth. Hope it helps

[Nikki1983]

My hubby is a cd. Our relationship has never been better since I found out. I would suggest that even though you don't like bars, go once or twice to feel out the situation. Let him know you love him and it scares you and makes you insecure.

Talk, talk talk. Communication is the key here. I get that you may not want to see him dress up. But I really think if you are present in the situation( with him at the bar) and you can see how it makes him feel to go out and be himself, you may not feel so uneasy about it.

[Dana44]

Welcome to the forum. If you can get a bit more supportive and have a really good talk with him. It might workout a bit better. Communication is the best way to find a happy ground together.

[mbmeen12]

I think you have every right to be concerned. Also he better treat you right because you are very special. Talk and more talk. Get him to take/go out. Maybe have BBQ with his gurl friends. But dont be a second fiddle. Exclusion is just that.

X Kara

[faltenrock]

Hello 'girlfriend'. I'm a CD myself and have been going out fully dressed with make-up and just everything since years. I do shopping, go to bars and go to clubs for dancing.
My wife knows but does not want to be part of my dressing which I fully accept as this is only about me.
First of all, it was probably very difficult for him to tell you a few years ago.
If you can't fully accept his dressing, you don't have to! He would have to understand and go with it.

Another suggestion if you really love him and can accept his dressing and going to bars dressed, I suggest to join him sometimes if you can. You would see him and experience him in that environment and can make your choices from there.

Don't forget, you DON'T have to be supportive, that's only an option if you don't have trouble with it and if you don't have difficulties being around him when he is dressed.
As other have already stated, communication with your partner is the key to everything, very important. If you talk about his CD issue, be open for that discussion and ask all the question that you might have.

Good luck anyway

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Girlfriend,
You need to see him dressed.
Make it an at home event. The only way you can move forward
is to see exactly what's going on with him.
From there you'll need to meet his friends. There's no way to know
what'sgoing on while he's out with friends without being there.
Much Love,
Kristyn
BTW...Welcome to the forum!

[Rachelakld]

For me - family bars are fine - during the day when the testosterone and agro are so low and everyone is on their best behaviour.

277503

But I'm always home before the serious drunks or "lads" turn up
Besides, with booze, peoples inhabitions fall away.
I know everyone will talk about having trust, but how about having "shared experiences", I mean that's why we form relationships in the first place.

[mykell]

hi girlfriend,
first welcome to the group.....kudos for being supportive, as you mentioned " my choice " its just that....stay in your comfort zones, he is wrong.....bars are not the only safe places to go.
there are many places to meet with like minded, meet-ups, p-flag or some other support meetings, also you will need to water here with your peers to find the answers to the hard questions you have, we are less impartial at times than we admit, here is a link : https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=pf#faq_gg_forum

[Cheryl T]

Personally I don't care for bars, but there is some truth in him saying it's the only place to go.
Unless there is a support group in your area then generally gay bars are about the only venue where someone without a lot of experience and perhaps confidence can go. Granted they aren't totally secure, but then again something could happen anywhere.
First of all I would say TALK. Communication is essential. Discuss this with him, not argue, discuss. Express your concerns and listen to his.

You haven't seen him dressed (by your choice) but maybe you could reconsider that. If so then don't forget it will be as traumatic for him as it will be for you.
Once you get past that then who knows. You might even consider going with him to allay your fears and discover for yourself why he goes.

Perhaps you will never reach the point of acceptance, perhaps you will and more. Be a little open, talk, try and remember one thing, this is not about you and it is not a competition. This is about something inside of him.

[Jaylyn]

Not going to take either side here but I am not out a your husband seems to be. I would aye though that I don't frequent bars. After a few hours and drinks there it. Eels lots of things that I hold dear become somewhat blurred. If I were you I would just tell him that you want for you both to get dressed and you both go to the bar. My wife and I used to go dancing a lot at bars and dance halls in Texas. I would not want my spouse there unless I wa with her especially if the tables were switched and she was the CD. I can promise your man is probably the same guy under the the women's clothes that he I under his male clothes. My wife knows I am and if any thing it has made our relationship stronger sharing things with her that no one else knows. Our love has only grown because of our talking about everything that we feel inside, not only about my dressing but her feelings about our marriage as well. You don't get to know someone inside and out except thru communication.

[CherylFlint]

On my first date with my (now) wife I told her I crossdressed because I really felt relaxed dressed. The date was at a restaurant on a Weds night. She said to come over to her apartment on Saturday morning and to dress for her and she how she handled it.
So on Sat. morning I was there and she said to go into the bathroom and change. So I did. I wore what I would wear to the mall, which wasn’t my hooker outfit but a not too short skirt, sensible blouse, ¾” heels.
The first thing she said as I walked out of the bathroom was, “Let me help you with your make-up.”
We were married shortly after and have been married for about 20 years.
When she wants me to dress she’ll layout what she wants me to wear in the spare bedroom. Sometimes a whole week will go by before she lays out whatever she wants me to be seen in. She takes me to the mall and out to eat (she does the talking).
For the past couple of years she’ll layout different outfits and then she’ll have her friends over. At first it was only one but the past year she’ll have as many as 5 over at one time.
She likes the maid outfits and I like the hooker outfits, but the norm would be your everyday stuff girls my age wear to the mall.
I pass but it’s because she knows what to dress me in (no spiked heels and garters showing) and she does my makeup (I start and she fixes).
She reads these posts and the replies. She says she’s never had so much fun in her life, dressing her very own doll, plus she has a loving husband. So you can have a lot of fun or not, it’s up to you. We go to gay bars, and regular ones too.
She wishes you good luck and so do I.

[Tracii G]

Welcome and it was a great choice coming here for advice and to gain knowledge on a tricky subject.
Communication is the key so do lots of talking and listening.
The bar thing is something I would worry about if my man thought that was the only place he felt he could go.
Gay bars are just like straight bars and why some CD's think there is a difference is beyond me.They are bars like any other.
I would be fine with malls in the afternoon or early evening or going to dinner with him dressed.
Get involved in his dressing and let him know its OK for him to explore if you are OK with him exploring his feminine side that is.
Give him pointers on make up/clothes if you want I'm sure he would appreciate it.
Let him know there are boundaries to all of this and he also needs to be the guy you married.
Let him know its not all about him but about the both of you and this other side of him.

[Sandy Storm]

like most said here already, in the bar without you on regular basis is normally a bad recipe, i am speaking from personal experiances :( ...but my wife does now join me, I prefer her with me, she still allows me to blow steam everyonce in a while on my own but thats not a reguler basis's thing ...so join in the fun if you can but most importantly talk, talk, talk...he has shared his deepest secret with you so he will talk dont be afraid to ask questions

GOOD LUCK

[docrobbysherry]

Girlfriend, communication is key here just as it is in relationships. And, you've left us grasping at straws!:straightface:

Does he dress when he goes out to bars? Straight or gay bars? R his "friends" that he meets there, men, women, or dressers? Does he want u to go out with him or not? If he wants u to, why can't u try it and see what he's like there?

There's no way we can give u helpful advice unless we understand what issues u 2 face. :battingeyelashes:

[Sometimes Steffi]

Hello 'girlfriend'. I'm a CD myself and have been going out fully dressed with make-up and just everything since years. I do shopping, go to bars and go to clubs for dancing.
My wife knows but does not want to be part of my dressing which I fully accept as this is only about me.
First of all, it was probably very difficult for him to tell you a few years ago.
If you can't fully accept his dressing, you don't have to! He would have to understand and go with it.

Another suggestion if you really love him and can accept his dressing and going to bars dressed, I suggest to join him sometimes if you can. You would see him and experience him in that environment and can make your choices from there.


I guess that I have to agree with faltenrock. I'm a member of a large group of girls here in DC. We usually get together at hotel bars on weekends. They accept us there, and the hotels are pretty empty on weekends, so it's a win-win. at these meetups, it mostly us special girls, but occasionally a few wives/SOs show up, especially on Valentine's day. I've also been to events that were publically announced for those girls who want to meet "admirers". I always wear a very large (fake) diamond engagement ring in addition to my wedding ring. I treat my marital vows seriously and I'm not looking for a hookup. Not that I haven't been asked, but I feel like I can handle myself in such situations.

I think if you're worried, ask to accompany your hubby. wives are always welcomed, maybe even honored, wherever I've gone. I'd love for my wife to come, but she just doesn't want to see me dressed. Frankly, I think it's her loss, because my girl friends are wonderful. It's very empowering to me to go out with all the girls.

Here's a picture of the girls the last time we got together

https://www.meetup.com/DC-TransLadies-Community/photos/27758633/#459871528

it was "spring hat" day.

[girlfriend]

He has met a few other dressers and they have gone out to gay bars. I believe that some of the are gay. I have never seen him dressed. This has always worked for us.

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Thank you all for your responses.

[JamieG]

I have been happily married for 16 years, and came out to my wife two years into the marriage. Like you, she was very uncomfortable with it at first. I was fortunate enough to find a support group in my area and attended that for many years after coming out to her. A big stepping stone on the road to her accepting my needs was for her to meet some of my CD friends in male mode while accompanied by their spouses. She realized that they were good people and weren't "freaks." Perhaps you could ask to meet with him and some of his friends (in drab, i.e. not in drag) for lunch or coffee sometime. If you get to know his friends, then you can judge for yourself if they are trustworthy, rather than imagining what they are up to. I know you have chosen not to see him dressed, but it might also help to ask for a picture of him with his friends at the bar. The unknown is usually way scarier than the reality.

By the way, these days I do occasionally go to bars, but only to socialize with TG friends; like Sometimes Steffi, I wear a fake engagement ring to make it clear that I am in a committed relationship. Perhaps you could buy him such a ring and ask him to wear it when he goes out?

Anyway, it is important that you talk with your husband and express your concerns. If the two of you have mutual respect, you should be able to work through the issues and find a good compromise.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Girlfriend,

The hard stuff... Communication. Trying to be open and accepting. Asking why you couldn't come along? Or spend some time shopping together... Speaking with each other will be the biggest help that you can do. Finding out the "how far do you wish to go?", "Does this dress make my butt look big?" �� Whatever attracted you both to each other find it again. Be honest. Be open. Be careful of nonverbal body language. I don't fully dress, so I am paranoid or very attentive to others and how they look at me or react if they notice a bra strap or nylons... It is best to find out the hard questions first before you find yourself in a relationship where others get heart broken...

@--}-----
Michelle

[Helen_Highwater]

Girlfriend,

Firstly welcome. Let me start by asking a question. if your SO went out to a model train society meeting once a week would that bother you? I would guess not. After all it's just a group of people sharing their hobby. A place where they can talk about gauge sizes and drive wheel configurations and the correct paint livery. Your SO going out to meet other cd'ers is in reality little different. It's like minded people who talk the same talk and can emphasise with each other. It's also nice to know you're(the cd'er) not alone in what you do.

I get the impression you're somewhat scared that your SO may be lured away from you into some clandestine relationship. The chances of that happening are less than winning the lottery jackpot 4 weeks on the trot. That's not what (s)he's there for.

If you can both agree on it I to would support the idea of going along at least once. You will find it highly enlightening and I believe allay many if not all your fears. I've attended several social gatherings where couples turned up and were just part of the group, no dramas, just another person to join in the conversation.

We all appreciate just how difficult it can be to accept this facet of your SO. Society has for decades mocked, ridiculed, persecuted even those who CD. That is hard to dislodge, it sits deep within. We now live however in more enlightened times and more and more people are accepting of different lifestyles. So know that his actions are not a response or a reflection of anything you've done. He doesn't think any less of you. Show understanding and he'll love you all the more for it.

[Paigeturner71]

Hi all! Hey Steffi, where are these places in DC? Are they CD friendly or just regular bars where you just look fabulous? Haven't ventured out yet but probably would feel more comfortable in a setting where I would be accepted at first orrr with a bunch of fun girls who can take me under their wing--typed 'wong' at first*lol! That would have been a horrible typo! Anyway..enjoying the forums. I finally have some place to go that's not a futile dating site. Rock on everyone!

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Hi again Steff. Just checked out the event page for The Lodge. Sure wanting to go. Need to talk to the SO and tell her how much it would mean to me. Thank you sweetie!

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What do you think? Blonde or brunette?277562277562

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Whoops! Didn't mean to post it twice.

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And btw..I do have eyes, lol!277563

[Teresa]

Girlfriend,
I can understand your discomfort, going out dressed does bring up many unanswered questions. Obviously the sexual one being top of the list.
My wife had reservations but the important difference was I started by going to a hotel to meet other CDers, as a social group. Even so it's taken some time to convince her that I'm not interested in other men in an intimate way , even though I have shared a room or stayed over with another CDer. If you can accept it maybe you could join him when he goes out or if not ask him to find a social group which may be a safer environment and put your mind at rest.