What is it that you really are afraid of?

[Paula DAngelo]

Lately I've been seeing posts along the lines of I won't go here, or I won't do this, or I will stay away from these type of people. Let me say I'm not knocking any one for trying to avoid what could turn out to be a dangerous situation, or even avoiding a situation the could become ugly. Everyone wants be safe, at least I hope they do.

What I don't understand is it seems that most of what I'm seeing is along the lines of "I don't want to be made fun of/embarrassed" or "I don't want to be not liked". How do you think someone born with a birth defect, or some type of injury caused by an accident, or someone who is just not "normal" for the area feels. Do you think that they let their life be run/controlled by others feelings? Do you think that they refuse to live their life because they are different. Sadly it seems to be human nature to make fun of/ridicule those that are different, but that's the way it is.

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle since I am a transsexual woman and I live with this every day. Do I pass/blend? I don't know and honestly I don't care what others are thinking about me. I work in the security field and I don't have the luxury of always avoiding a situation that would make me uncomfortable, when something happens I'm expected to respond regardless of feelings (just for reference I've worked in areas where I've been the one that is the minority, or hated just because of the uniform I'm wearing). I work with people of all ages, sexes, and backgrounds everyday and guess what, most people don't care, and the ones that do mostly just drop it if you don't let them get to you.

Now that I've rambled long enough, what I'm really asking is are you afraid because you are actually worried about violence, or are you afraid because of your own insecurities? If it's the latter, why are you letting others control your life and keeping you from being yourself and being happy?

Just something for everyone to think about. Inquiring minds want to know.

[Lana Mae]

I do not know if Lana Mae passes/blends! Planning my first time out alone! Yes, I do have some fear of violence, but I can push it to the back of my mind. Some degree of fear of embarrassing myself in some way as it will be my first time out alone! Unlike you, I do not have to deal with it daily. Proud of your courage to just do it! It is strange that although a little fearful, I know it will be so exhilarating! Money is all that is holding me back right now. Planning for late in June for now, if the money is there! Hugs Lana Mae

[Dana44]

Paula, your are living the life you want to. But I do go out and try to stay safe , like restaurants, theater and shopping. Or going to a lake or something fun. I have been out so may times that I have no fear but I do try to stay away from a pack of teenagers as they seem the ones to bother us. But most people don't seem to mind us and some are interested in us as we are out there. I have had many a good conversation with a waitress for example. I have long hair and hoop earrings in even in male mode I have worn it down and looking girly as a male. II will die a boy but I think I will live most of the rest of my life as a female. A transsexual friend of mine has told me that I am going that way. For some reason as my gender fluid self, I on a long time feminine side and it has not switched back for some time. I love being me and hope to love myself and enjoy life..

[Lauri K]

Paula you are not imagining things, many threads echo "I won't do this or go here while dressed" etc. Just look at the under dressers threads that get posted, same deal and their garments cannot even be seen unless you have one of those x ray vision things.

Perhaps I see more of this sentiment of fear related to those ladies who don't dress everyday, lets face it though for those just starting out they probably should really stick to low stress venues that are safe until the gain some "street" experience to know when to be in fear and when to relax.

Most of us will do fine no matter where we go as long as you dress for the occasion, be polite and courteous likely no problems. Yeah you may get clocked, but guess what we will continue to get clocked until there are enough of us out and about that eventually the ingrained societal norm diminishes and we become more common place in day to day scene around towns everywhere.

Often times people will say to me that we are beautiful inside and out and what we do to be ourselves takes more courage then they can even imagine........ I never tell them it gets easier, with each outing..........but this is good example of seeing support for us even if it is some dull understanding of what we face in life

I can tell you though tensions have ratcheted up with so many discriminatory bills being introduced (example Texas, I think 21 anti LGBT bills this legislative session) so I think that drives the fear factor up considerably which may be contributing to seeing more people declaring where they will go dressed and avoid others just because of that media effect.

I say don't be a victim of fear, keep pushing ahead to be who you truly are.

[Teresa]

Paula,
Many thanks for asking this question as a TS, the situation is a little different for you as you have little choice.

After the last weekend where I drove to a busy hotel dressed and checked in, changed into a strapless ballgown for the evening birthday party and then dressed for breakfast , I realise now most of our fears are inside our own heads. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive as I knew the hotel was much bigger than the previous one our social group used but I didn't expect it to be so busy.
Through the whole weekend not one person gave me a second look made any comments, even being seen in the ballgown, so do I pass ? I was certainly not blending dressed like that , some very kind GG friends who run a Bridal shop told me I make a convincing woman, so maybe they were right, the problem is we don't see ourselves as others do only the static reflection in a flat mirror.

I have commented on the difference before in the replies made by US members compared with UK member.On the whole US members appeared to be more concerned about adverse comments and the threat of violence . Here in the UK things do appear to be easier , we tend to be more accepting and don't make a big issue over TG matters.

To come back to your question, what am I afraid of ? My problem is mostly my DADT situation , not knowing when the whole stack of cards will come crashing down, just how comfortable are we with the compromise we struck .
I still can't honestly answer my own question of transition, that doesn't frighten me the same anymore, what will be will be !!

The only way you can conquer the fears if you wish to be totally out, is just go and do it and see, most of the fears will be laid to rest .

Lauri,
I do agree with you on the point of people possibly respecting us for having the courage to show our conviction. I have heard that from several sources , even my wife was surprised, I do believe I have gained some respect from her . Hiding behind closed doors isn't good for anyone's state of mind , now she knows I no longer hide it away her attitude has changed towards me wanting to go out and shop for my own clothes that suit my style . She still chooses not to see me but now she has to accept so many others have .

[Rachael Leigh]

Paula you are right on and what are we afraid of, I was so scared when I ventured out my door and thought someone is going to laugh at the guy in makeup and wig and well you know what it didn't happen I went out and all was well.
It wasn't too long I would interact with people too and I was like I'm just another person in the world and it was ok.
I'm not fulltime and no I will prob never go the route you have but I've found it's ok to be out and enjoy who we are and
to let others know we are just people who want to feel welcome
Rachael Leigh

[Fiona123]

...I'm really asking is are you afraid because you are actually worried about violence, or are you afraid because of your own insecurities? If it's the latter, why are you letting others control your life and keeping you from being yourself and being happy.

Paula: Good question. My answer is that I am less afraid of violence and more controlled by my own insecurities. Absolutely. I carry a self imposed burden of guilt and shame. I came out to my spouse as transgender (it has not gone all that well), and a couple of therapists (who were much more accepting). I have insomnia and depression and I want nothing more than to be able to present en femme. I cant figure out how to break the cycle I have created for myself.

I must say that I greatly admire gals (like you) who are able to be out. I think it wonderful and always enjoy reading the posts.

[Tracii G]

Fiona honey if I lived close to you I would drag you out of the house and help you get over the cycle.
Maybe join a support group would help you to break the chains.
Its a really common thing with CDers so you are not alone you just need that one person to go out with so you can be free for a short time.

LauriK pretty much explained it the way I see it too.

[Aunt Kelly]

I think you're right on, Paula, with your birth defect analogy. While we might well balk at the term "defect", this is in fact something with which we are born. We can choose to hide in shame, or we can choose to go about our life as everyone has a right to do.
I just finished a lengthy response in another thread about the same thing. Your post nailed it, lady. Thanks for sharing.

[Ressie]

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle since I am a transsexual woman and I live with this every day.

Not wrong, just different. I'm pretty much a fetish dresser that doesn't have much desire to dress in public. Dressing (en fem) in public isn't important to me.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Spiders, definitely spiders.

As to presenting in public? I think its being thought of as a weirdo or some sort of deviant. I have been an onlooker when a CD/TG has interacted with sales clerks. Most of the clerks try to maintain a professional demeanor, whilst other customers giggle & smirk. But once the person exits the store, the clerks will often express their real response: laughter & ridicule.

If its a place that I will likely not visit again, I don't really care what the reaction is AFTER I leave. But closer to home, I don't know if I could deal with the fact that people I see on a day-to-day basis, think I'm odd. Plus, my daughter & ex-wife live in the same town, and I wouldn't want them to get caught in any drama.

Altho, as I venture out more & more, I am becoming much more comfortable appearing public.

[Teresa]

Jodie,
That's the whole point your own comfort level, acceptance dictates that ,being more concerned what others think instead of you own inner needs, eventually the balance does come.

Hang ups of guilt and shame on one hand and the thought of being selfish on the other. Most of us are born with his trait why is it so wrong to admit it to ourselves and others.

Paula and other TSs don't have that luxury , they have to make the final decision that this is the road they must take . I often think about that situation and how hard it must be on a daily basis .

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Paula,

Wow, such sage advice from my Texas girlfriends. I agree with Kelly (sup Kelly?). I like the birth defect analogy too. In fact, that is how I have described my maleness for a long time, a birth defect. I can't help the fact that I got the wrong body. While I have done several things to correct the mistake, I can not always pass. Because of that, I want to avoid undue attention and certainly don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Still, I have a right to live my life.

I agree with Dana about the teenagers. They can be a pain in the rear. I also avoid certain venues sometimes, it's just common sense.

Lauri's advice is as good as it gets just "dress for the occasion, be polite and courteous."

And Fiona, sweetie, if you ever get half a chance, let Traci "drag you out of the house" it would help you immensely and be a blast. I have drug Kelly and Lauri places and they have reciprocated with me. It has all been so much fun.

As far as afraid?
"I don't like spiders and snakes and that ain't what it takes to love me" Lol

Oh, and let me invite all of you to Houston for our GNO on June 23. A great time with people that will love you until you ask them why. And good food and spirits at completely safe venues, I promise.
Minnesota, Kentucky, Pittsburgh, North Carolina, Michigan, New York , UK, contact me for details. Y'all come!

Jeri Ann

[Kandi Robbins]

I have often though the same thing, just never bothered to post about it. If we let "what might happen" dictate our lives, then we would still have colored water fountains, gay people would not enjoy the (relative) freedoms they have and people with handicaps, etc. would be warehoused as useless. Sure, it's not perfect. Life never was and never will be. The real truth of the matter is that people will accept us for who we are and what we do (there have always been and will always be those that hate for one reason or the other), if WE accept ourselves for who we are. I can only speak from personal experience, having lived a life of what if and fear, now that I have accepted who I am, I am almost universally accepted by others. I have easily double and tripled the amount of friends I have (real friends, not "virtual" ones) since I stepped out that first time, in that way-to-young-for-me dress, with those imagined eyes burning through me some 2 1/2 years ago. I have had my breakfast purchased for me, drinks bought for me, been invited to join others for a meal, invited to plays, concerts, services, etc. simply because I DIDN'T pass. Now, I do whatever I want, where ever I wish, with whomever will put up with me. My smile is now permanent, after a lifetime of being nonexistent. You hit the nail on the head. We have no excuses but our own.

[Tracii G]

Kandi you are so right.

[Tina Davis]

This is a great topic, Paula. I can see both sides of the situation, and for me it is still more of my own insecurities. I haven't been out much and have enjoyed when I did go out, but my family comes first. So I bide my time until I have the opportunity, then I will not be afraid. My journey, my timetable, my life.

[Tracii G]

As it should be Tina all in your own time.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've had the wonderful opportunity to have many TG friends and to be able to go out with a support team covering my back (and my front, I guess).

There was a time when I thought I was the only one like this. Even after I realized there were others very much like me, I was glad to have someone's hand to hold the first time in a restaurant, in a bar and shopping. Sometimes the support was physical in that someone was right there with me, and other times it was virtual. It was always comforting to know of others here who went to the mall and weren't strung up by villagers with torches and pitchforks. It gave me confidence that I would survive, and maybe even thrive.

Count me as thriving.

[biannne]

Personally I think most cross dresser try to avoid awkward situations. That is human mature regardless of who you are. I try to avoid dangerous situation or situation that can lead to other things even if I am dressed as man or woman.
The solution to overcoming this fear is to take small steps till you are comfortable.

i work with special needs and I know for a fact that most of them do not like certain situations and you try to avoid them as much as possible. And we try to introduce them to these situation in small steps till they become comfortable.

[Helen_Highwater]

Isn't the fear and trepidation many experience similar to those who a afraid of flying? You can be told over and over that it's by far the safest form of transport, you're more likely to be murdered by a family member than killed in a plane crash, all sorts of statistics but getting on that aircraft still scares the hell out of you.

So you take the nervous flyers course were you're taught the tools and techniques to relax and (hopefully) enjoy the flight. You make it but there was still a stomach full of butterflies.

Those of us who've been out can tell those poised behind the door that stepping out over the threshold won't result in pitchforks and lynch mobs. Go where all the normal folk go, i.e. the mall in daylight, dress to blend and work on your mannerisms and all will be fine and dandy. What we're trying to overcome is a fear learnt over a lifetime were we saw fun and ridicule directed at gays and trannies. We all know people who would readily poke fun at someone they saw in the street or in a restaurant because they dressed differently, not necessarily enfemme. They may not be brave or ignorant enough to do so directly to the person but use it to make themselves look superior amongst their friends. Times and attitudes have moved on vastly but those thoughts still sit in the consciousness.

Like flying there is always an outside chance that something could go wrong. However the likelihood of being verbally or physically abused by a single person is tiny and far far less for a group of people to do. It's only once you fly free that you realise that the fears were unfounded and that people are nice and there's a whole world of interesting places and people waiting to be experienced.

[Teresa]

Kandi,
I totally agree with the number of friends increasing, I haven't lost any old ones but gained so many more .

Helen,
The fear of flying analogy is a good one because it's also an irrational fear , full of, " What ifs !"

I've become to dislike flying more, not because of the fear of flying but because of the ungodly hour we usually have to get up to hang around an airport for so many hours before departing. If my wife allowed me to checkout all the makeup, perfumes and clothes shops time would be too short , and so would my money , OK she has a point !

[Leslie Langford]

Much as I dislike the term "white male privilege" which is so much in vogue these days as it typically paints with strokes that are far too broad, I do see an element of this mindset at play here in the way some Forum members fret over the possibility of sticking out and being singled out for ridicule or discrimination when going out en femme and not "passing".

I say this based the fact that the vast majority of the members here appear to be white, predominantly middle-class, of largely Anglo-Saxon or Northern European ethnicity or ancestry, and live either in North America or one of the (former) British Commonwealth nations. A rather select and largely homogeneous group if ever there was one compared to the rest of the world, and which is not really being represented here.

I, too, like the "disabled" analogy, and would take it one step further by saying that we white, middle class folks are rather spoiled by the fact that we generally have never had to face the type of scrutiny, discrimination, suspicion, taunts, slurs and sometimes outright hostility (e.g. "racial profiling")...in other words, the types of micro-aggressions that for people of color or indigenous, Hispanic, or Asian origin are such daily occurrences that it is their "normal".

Yes, being transgender can sometimes be a b*tch for the way it complicates our lives and those of the loved ones whom we are out to, but being "read" and possibly snickered at by the "muggles" when we are out and about is nothing compared with the experiences members of other groups such as those whom I have described above often face. We have the option of being otherwise invisible within the mainstream by simply hiding our transgenderism from view and dressing in the clothing that is congruent with our birth sex. People who are so-called "visible minorities" don't have that luxury, and consequently have had to "grow a pair" in order to survive in this sometimes harsh world.

I "get" the fear felt by those who are concerned about attracting violence from homophobes or transphobes should they be read when out in public, and not wanting to expose themselves to that risk - although the odds of that happening are statistically rather remote. But as others here have confirmed (and you can add my own experiences to that), most people out there have a "live and let live" attitude towards non-conformists of all types and willingly relate to us in whatever manner in which we are presenting ourselves as well - even if not technically "passable".

As for those of us here who whine and agonize over the mere possibility of being embarrassed by an untoward look, comment, or other type of negative reaction, all I can say is count your blessings if that is your greatest worry, and stop being such a wuss.

[Jodie_Lynn]

"Irrational fears"...... While I support your statement Teresa, and pretty much agree with it, that phrase jarred me.

We live in what is becoming a more polarized world where people from al parts of the world are resorting to violence to settle their differences with "them", the imagined foes. Coupled with this is the sad fact that there are many ignorant & uneducated people who get most of their knowledge from their peers or their equally ignorant & prejudiced religious leaders.

Is a fear irrational, if the possibility of that fear coming to realization exists? Although I lack 100% faith in Wikipedia, here is a link:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unlawfully_killed_transgender_people

If I said that I was afraid being gored to death by a Unicorn, yes, you would be accurate in classifying that as an irrational fear. But what you (general pronoun) consider irrational, another may feel is a justified concern.

[Rogina B]

Lately I've been seeing posts along the lines of I won't go here, or I won't do this, or I will stay away from these type of people. Let me say I'm not knocking any one for trying to avoid what could turn out to be a dangerous situation, or even avoiding a situation the could become ugly. Everyone wants be safe, at least I hope they do.

What I don't understand is it seems that most of what I'm seeing is along the lines of "I don't want to be made fun of/embarrassed" or "I don't want to be not liked". How do you think someone born with a birth defect, or some type of injury caused by an accident, or someone who is just not "normal" for the area feels. Do you think that they let their life be run/controlled by others feelings? Do you think that they refuse to live their life because they are different. Sadly it seems to be human nature to make fun of/ridicule those that are different, but that's the way it is.

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle since I am a transsexual woman and I live with this every day. Do I pass/blend? I don't know and honestly I don't care what others are thinking about me.
It isn't a big deal unless you make it one...People accept you when you never flinch..

[StephanieM]

What I've always feared the most, and this stems from my social anxiety even in man mode, was how people would react. I've run a couple of experiments of going out while fully dressed, and each time there were no riots, the music didn't stop playing when I walked through the door with everyone staring at me, in fact no one said anything directly to me or that I could even overhear. Ironically I've found the anxiety is actually slightly less when in femme mode.

However I simply do not have the courage to go out in while in "mixed mode". It has to be full mode either way, male or femme. I believe that comes from knowing that in male mode I am recognizable and in femme not so much.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I say this based the fact that the vast majority of the members here appear to be white, predominantly middle-class, of largely Anglo-Saxon or Northern European ethnicity or ancestry, and live either in North America or one of the (former) British Commonwealth nations. A rather select and largely homogeneous group if ever there was one compared to the rest of the world, and which is not really being represented here.


I guess meeting 3 out of 4 is not bad, but . . .

My high school was a mix of about 25% Irish, 25% Italian, 25% Jewish and 25% WASP. In general, everyone got along pretty well most of the time, but when things went south, you could almost guarantee that ethnic prejudice would come out and it could be pretty mean. So, even within a seemingly homogenous group, varying ethnicities were still a prejudicial factor.

[Aunt Kelly]

Is a fear irrational, if the possibility of that fear coming to realization exists? Although I lack 100% faith in Wikipedia, here is a link:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unlawfully_killed_transgender_people

If I said that I was afraid being gored to death by a Unicorn, yes, you would be accurate in classifying that as an irrational fear. But what you (general pronoun) consider irrational, another may feel is a justified concern.
If we define a rational fear as one that has even the remotest chance of coming true, then yes. The fear of encountering a violent reaction to a MTF presentation is "rational". It has certainly happened, but to allow one's life to be so impacted by such a remote possibility is far from rational.

Again, I might be struck by lightning, but I don't let that very real possibility impact my life to an unreasonable degree. I don't golf in thunderstorms, but I'll pull up a chair just inside my open garage door and enjoy the hell out of watching a good one. I met get attacked by drunken, CD'er-hating hoodlums the next time I'm out en femme, but the odds of that actually happening are vanishingly small. On the other hand, the odds of being the object of gape-mouthed stares or cruel smirks, are a little better than even money, depending on where I am at the time, but the odds of receiving a friendly smile or even an unsolicited compliment, just for being out in public, are even better. Mind, I'm talking about the general public here. Strangers. Family, neighbors, co-workers, those are often another matter entirely.

[sometimes_miss]

It doesn't matter if a fear is rational or not. Remember, there are huge numbers of idiots out there that think preparing for the zombie apocolypse is a good idea, too. So rational thinking isn't all as common as we'd like to think.

Growing up with a facial deformity, I know what it is to be looked at as if I had horns growing out of my head. While not as bad as say, the elephant man, it was clear that there was something wrong with my face, to the point where most kids wanted nothing to do with me, and it was even considered by most to be bad luck to have me on their team whenever sides were chosen up for any type of competition. I also got the wonderful experience of having to comb my hair over one side of my face to cover it, and, when suddenly uncovered, watching people's face respond as if they just saw something disgusting.

So that's one thing I don't need to go through again.

Second, I know how many people, even educated ones, respond to those they consider sexual perverts, and that includes gays, us, TS, furries, S&M, B&D, enemaphiles, etc., not to mention that more than a few assume that we're all pedophiles. Child missing or molested? Oh look, there's a gay guy living next door, we saw him talking to our child a few times, so it must be HIM. We're all assumed to be gay, and we're the villian by default. Not to mention all the hate directed our way, as witness the fiasco involved when Caitlyn came out, and then the continuing hate directed our way with the bathroom bills still being pushed by many. Don't believe me? Texas is currently trying to pass legislation right now, so there are apparently plenty of people out there that hate us.

When I was a kid, I was molested; back when some of my so called friends were raising their primary school age kids, after finding out that I had been sexually abused, they, too, fell for the commonly held belief that if someone was molested, they they are likely to molest other children. Not true at all, but thanks to the newsmedia that promotes that logic fallacy, that too is widely believed. So gradually I found myself invited to fewer and fewer family functions, and carefully whenever alone with their kids. Eventually the invites stopped coming entirely, this, after knowing them for decades. Of course I know why; I listened to how they talked about others. And I took the chance that if they knew me, and that I was harmless, they would see the error of their viewpoint. Nope. When challenged, people usually hold onto their beliefs even more strongly. I would not make that mistake anymore.

So for those of you who wish to be front line warriors, and love to debate other people's beliefs, go ahead. I won't be the martyr. You do it. I know there are people out there who just love to argue with others. I'm not one of them.

[Becky Blue]

Paula good discussion topic. For whatever reason some people seem terrified of going out in public and being shamed. I guess the fear is real because people are feeling it. Speaking for myself, i have never been concerned about what people i don't know think about me. When going out I do not care one bit if someone thinks thats a guy in a dress. I have been lucky so far as I have yet to have a rude or negative comment but I will simply let them be unpleasant and try my best to ignore them. I always think to myself what is the worst that can happen? if that is to be out in an awkward situation because some narrow minded bigot feels threatened by me that is their problem.

Fear of fear is in many cases worse than the underlying fear, I feel that many people are scared of what can happen, without actually projecting forward how they would feel in the worst case scenario. Naturally some people have safety concerns too, of course that is a real fear, but that too can be dealt with by being careful where you go and with whom.

Fear of being recognised is probably my biggest concern and as a result of that I limit where I go out.

[Beverley Sims]

I along with many others worry about the insecurities of life, when we master this we start to lead a normal life.

[Ressie]

Most people say their biggest fear is public speaking. Public crossdressing is very much like public speaking IMO. Some don't have the fear and some get over it. This may sound contradictory to my last post, but I do agree that getting out there dressed will make most CDs feel freedom that they've never felt. I think public CDing borders on irrational fear and facing those kind of fears is important for growth.

However, a lot of this has to do with personality types. Those that are shy to begin with are gonna be apprehensive about public CDing. I think those personality types should be given a break. Thinking that others should think the same as you do is a mistake. Take into account that we are all unique.

[Helen 2]

As a regular (but infrequent, only when my wonderful, knowing but DADT wife is traveling) 'out and abouter', I'm not sure I would say 'I fear' anything except the 'pack of teenagers'.
It helps to live in a very tolerant, open-minded city, it helps that I usually dress for the occasion/plan and try not to obviously stand out, but face it: we're not GG's, and as best as we might pass, we will most definitely be clocked.

My best advise is 'if you are going to do it, do it right and wear it well', and by that I mean is be proud. Don't scurry about, head down, hunched over, or try to 'meek it out', but just act as a proud, lovely lady would. After all, isn't that what we are? Yes, we might be clocked sometimes. When I see 'that look', I will try to look at the person straight in the eye and smile -because we have a gift they don't have...

[Helen_Highwater]

We live in what is becoming a more polarized world where people from al parts of the world are resorting to violence to settle their differences with "them", the imagined foes. Coupled with this is the sad fact that there are many ignorant & uneducated people who get most of their knowledge from their peers or their equally ignorant & prejudiced religious leaders.

Jodie,
What you say is true but in truth how often do you actually encounter in your own life this type of behavior? All sorts of conflict exists in the world but day on day in my life it doesn't form part of my experiences.


Is a fear irrational, if the possibility of that fear coming to realization exists?

I used flying as an analogy as it is a possibility that you may be killed or injured while flying. Being prepared to drive to the airport and not be scared when in fact the chances of being in an accident are hugely greater than taking a flight is irrational.


If I said that I was afraid being gored to death by a Unicorn, yes, you would be accurate in classifying that as an irrational fear. But what you (general pronoun) consider irrational, another may feel is a justified concern.

I agree some may see it as it as a justified concern but that justification is often down to a lack of proper risk assessment. I've seen big men shudder and pull back at the sight of a tiny spider. The fear is real but also irrational and certainly not justified.

[sometimes_miss]

Jodie,What you say is true but in truth how often do you actually encounter in your own life this type of behavior? All sorts of conflict exists in the world but day on day in my life it doesn't form part of my experiences.
then

The fear is real but also irrational and certainly not justified.
So, since YOU never had a problem, fear of it isn't justified. Right. One person's experience. Got it.

[Paula DAngelo]

As the OP of this tread I have been watching it closely and at the same time refraining from commenting even when I felt like there was something I needed to say about a post. There are several reasons why I refrained from joining in before now. First, I'm not a crossdresser and my point of view is from a different perspective. Second, I didn't want to influence how people responded, I wanted people to respond how they felt and not how they thought I was hoping. Finally I wanted to try and summarize what I was seeing in the responses without having been seen to try and influence the discussion.

Now with all that said, and the tread running for a while I'm going to try and summarize what I'm seeing. What I've been able to pick up from the posts gives me good feelings, and at the same time saddens me.

First the good feelings. The number of people commenting that the reason they avoid certain areas or groups of people due to violence is vary small, which to me shows that even though there is the possibility of violence people are not letting it keep them from being themselves. Also there is a whole group of people that don't even have to worry about where they are or who is around because they have no desire or need to be out in public. I applaud this group as they are doing what makes them happy and not letting others push them into something that is what they want.

Then there is the group of people that say they fear something. There have been some people saying that the fears are irrational or unjustified, however whether the fear is irrational or unjustified isn't the point, the person still has the fear, so lets quit arguing the rationality or justification of the fear, it doesn't matter. Those that fear losing something, whether it be a SO, a job, their standing in the community, their families standing in the community I can understand that, those are things that you can lose based on how some outside party thinks or feels, so do what you think is best for you and your situation.

Now the part that saddens me. It seems that there is a large number that are saying they won't do something, go somewhere, go near certain groups because they don't want to be ridiculed or embarrassed. You don't want to be ridiculed, what happened to the old saying "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me"? To be embarrassed you need to feel that you're doing something wrong, whether it be immoral or illegal, "YOU" still need to feel that way what someone else feels or thinks doesn't really matter. Words only hurt if you let them, you can only be embarrassed if you let yourself. It saddens me to see that so many seem to be insecure of themselves or the other possibility and this saddens me even more is that there are a large number of us that actually are Transphobic.

Are we really our own worse enemy and by being so are we helping those that would like nothing more than to erase us from existence? I'm not saying run out and be a martyr, I just think we need to be proud of who we are and not let our lives be run/controlled by others, or we may very well be erased from existence. Hopefully I'm just seeing things wrong and my thoughts are totally off base, but sadly I fear not. :sad:


I almost forgot to those that said they fear spiders and/or snakes you got me, I guess I never did specify that I was referring to CD'ing. And by the way I have no fear of spiders or snakes, my fear is of the spider webs, so I understand irrational/unjustified fears. Talk about silly things to be afraid of, I think I take the cake there....lol.

[Tracii G]

I too am saddened by some that will not give themselves a chance.
Always make excuses as to why they cannot do something they so badly want to do.
Nobody wants to be ridiculed but at some point its going to happen and you need to be ready to accept and move on.

[TrishaLake]

I would always look to local events that feature Girls like us, that is th best way to start. If you go to those vents you will find acceptance and feel better about going out elsewhere. Each time I get more confidence. I do not worry about violence but of course I care a little about what people think. You just need to ignore anyone that is simple minded and not let it affect you.

[Rachael Leigh]

Paula D I really like your thoughts on this I was one that had to overcome the fear of what if I did see someone I knew and they recognize me, well I decided finally I would just be up front and tell them this is me or at least a part of me.
I think I knew when I decided to go to a counseling session as Rachael and it totally freed me to be me even if I still have
to manage when I go out and such. The counselor validated me saying that I see you are comfortable with this and it's ok
just be aware of those who are not namlly my wife and it's been a huge help to me
Now I go out and act and know I belong because I'm me a person of worth

[Diane Taylor]

I have been out since 1995 and go out publicly on a regular basis. Though somewhat apprehensive the first couple of times, I'm totally free of that "fear" and have been for 22 years. My feelings were that I do not want to stay in a closet nor limit myself to "GLBT friendly" places which in my opinion are only a bigger closet. The trans community is in a way its own worst enemy because we do not make ourselves visible to the general population. Familiarity breeds acceptance.................

[Amelie]

I lived in Baltimore for some years. While there maybe 5 or more trans girls were murdered. So the fear of death or violence was very real for me. Also I lived in parts of NYC that weren't so nice and have been the victim of physical attacks, including being raped.

As far as insults, I could care less what people said to me, sometimes I kinda liked hearing the insults, it made me feel noticed.

People have their own limits on what they want to do in life. Just be happy in whatever you want to do, stay home or go out, just be happy.

Nowadays I try my best to avoid people face to face. I kinda despise people and want no part of them. I live in a sort of solitude. The computer is cool, I can always turn it off.

[Jodie_Lynn]

And just for the record, while I still have concerns, and some trepidation, I have ventured out, fully en femme, 4 times in a month and a half.

My first trip out, full of excitement mixed with fear, I left my apartment, walk out the front door of the building and ran smack dab into my 20-something neighbor, her husband, and their two children. Nothing to do but give a nod & quick smile and stride to my car without a backward glance. Still haven't seen the angry mob, and the next weekend bumped into the husband while in guy mode. WWe talked for a few, and not a word was said.

That definitely boosted my confidence level! :)

[JeanTG]

My biggest fear? The wrath of my wife, if I get found out.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Jodie,
What you say is true but in truth how often do you actually encounter in your own life this type of behavior? All sorts of conflict exists in the world but day on day in my life it doesn't form part of my experiences.



Helen, I was a police officer with the NYPD for 10 years, I have seen the effects of random violence first hand. And a lot of it because of stupid trivial altercations. Just as an aside, I left the Job because we had a newborn daughter and my wife was worried about her being left fatherless due to some asshat with a gun. I took a nice safe office job....In the World Trade Center.

I am very happy to hear that violent acts & behaviors don't form part of your experience, may you never have to. But to tell someone that their fear of such a danger is unfounded, is a little condescending.

When I spoke of my fears, I didn't mean to imply that they were crippling, nor preventing me from doing what I choose; however, they are factors that I am cognizant of when I dress and go out. The same way I am aware of the dangers of driving - aware of them, alert for trouble, but still driving.

[Paigeturner71]

I've never been out so I can't possibly relate to what you've been through Amelie. I talk to people for a living and I must say I'm a bit of a misanthrope too. If I had been through what you've had I can't imagine how I would feel about people. But I will say this--I have not been exposed to a better group of people than are in this forum. If this is a glimpse of our future--these wonderful individuals here--then I believe better days are ahead. I wish you only good things and happy days Amelie. All of you...

[Periwinkle]

I live on the east side of Washington, where there's a lot of elderly people with old fashioned values. All the young people who wear what they want head off to the west side where nobody cares. But people notice stuff like that here, and since it's a small town, they talk about it and it spreads.

My friend tells me that I'm nearly unrecognizable when I'm all dressed up, so I feel confident enough to walk around town now. But I'm still extremely cautious about where I go and who I speak to. I work in the drive-thru of our only McDonalds and according to customers, my voice is very distinct. I'm afraid if I talk to the wrong person I could give myself away.

Mostly, my fear exists because I honestly don't know how the other residents of my hometown would react to my little hobby. I would rather save myself the stress of finding out and just keep it under wraps until I move to the west side where I won't have to care.

[MsKim2888]

lol.....me too. If my wife find out, I'm screwed...

[SDress22]

My fear is the judgement of my family, friends and SO. A good amount of them wouldn't necessarily understand this. I put that more on society in general than on them. I would almost undoubtably lose connections I have today. I know some may say that those connections would be worth losing if that's how they feel, but I disagree. It's not easy to properly educate everybody on a topic that is still very new and emerging.

[Krea]

Thankfully i don't have any fears of violent reprisals. My biggest concerns relating to my crossdressing would be my relatives finding out & my business customers finding out.

I live in a very old-fashioned rural area and i am currently self-employed in the neighbourhood. Most of my customers have very backward ideas on gender, sexuality etc. I have heard them rant about these subjects on occassions and i know many of them would stop employing me.
To be positive, this is comparitively easy to deal with. In a few months time i will be better qualified to find a steady job in one of the surrounding towns, then i won't need to care what the neighbours think.

My bigger concern is the attitude of my relatives/inlaws. They are also extremely old-fashioned & would likely disown me if they found out. My wife has been so supportive and i would not want to put her in a situation where she had to choose between me and her family. This is part not so easy to sort-out, so for now i remain out only to my wife and all of you here....

[Leslie Mary S]

I hear you Nic.
I too was living in that type of community but because of things that happened I had to move.
Good luck on your adventures.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

If it's the latter, why are you letting others control your life and keeping you from being yourself and being happy?

It's an excellent question Paula, but surely it applies to many, perhaps most behaviours. Fear of peer rejection is a powerful stimulus. Breaking free of that need for approval / fear of disapproval, is often the greatest challenge in life. Answer that, put it in a book, and you'll be rich.

[PamelaRI]

It's been many, many years since the last time that I went out presenting as femaie. And while I doubt that I was even close to passing, the only possible negative verbal reaction that I noticed was from a couple of teen girls. However, for the last 18 months or so, since I started exercising, I exercise in comfortable, stretchy, close fitting activewear, now including a sports bra and ladies sneakers, at one of my customer's gym facility. On the way home from there, I often run errands and stop at places like Lowes, the drug store or supermarket. I'm sure that I've received more than my fair share of double takes, turned heads, etc., but no one has ever said anything to me or made me feel uncomfortable. Also, I always wear yoga pants or ladies shorts when relaxing at home. While my underwear is all feminine, I still wear male shirts, pants and shoes because that is the work uniform that is expected. Why? Like a few others who have posted on this thread, I'm self-employed and while many of my customers hire me for my broad range of network expertise and at least one of them has Trans friendly policies, I don't want to risk upsetting the financial apple cart. After all, I have a mortgage, college tuition and other bills to pay. My wife's biggest fears? I believe they are embarrassment, financial ruin and that I may be gay or want to transition. Since I've been contemplating aspects of the latter to quell my apparent dysphoria, I'm afraid of losing the companionship of my life partner and my adult child.

My apologies for rambling, but this really helped me to think about some things that I'm avoiding.

[Adriana Moretti]

I will usually go wherever I want to go.....but since the election and by seeing some of the behavior of people towards others since, I am just a bit more cautious about my surroundings, still go where I want, there is just a higher level of alertness.

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes, I just have to go by my "gut feelings". I sometimes get bad vibes, and sometimes my radar, is all clear, and clear sailing. Alcohol, can push some who are slightly hostile, to very hostile..and alcohol can be the factor, that pushes unstable men,.t act in loud shouts of hate, or even violence, whether to a CD, o r anyone, they "have a problem with." So far, i have avoided places where guys are under the influence. At a Dekalb Illinois municipal band outdoor concert, last year, a man and two women sat down to the left of me, on the bleachers. I was feeling calm, and confident, and spoke some words to them. The man, and one woman were friendly, nice, but the woman closest to me, suddenly changed her face. I said a few more friendly words about the band, and she moved further away from me. No big deal. i just accepted it, and enjoyed the concert. They left shortly after that, though. I felt good, that for the first time at the concerts, i had the kahonies to speak, to the normals. At six foot ten in high heels, and wig, huge hands, huge feet, and male jutting chin, voice, and Adam's apple, and maale brow, i can fool foks form a distance, but almost never close up. So, i am always a bit nervous, and cautious, before , and during outings, especially around teens, and alcohol.

[Kandi Robbins]

Nothing will ever change unless we change them. That is true in almost every example throughout time by those viewed as outside the norm by society. While I certainly feel a part of the broader community here, I live my life, I do what I do, all on my own. It's my life and after almost 50 years of struggle and self-loathing, I am going to live it. I could find a million excuses not to venture out and that would be 100% my loss. Hopefully I blaze a very small trail for a sister to follow. If not, the fact remains that it is my life, dressing makes me happy on a level I never knew existed and I will continue to live my life wearing whatever I feel most comfortable in. This past weekend, it was a 3 day growth, shorts and t-shirts and/or running clothes and quality time with my wife and daughter. Thursday, I have a lovely maxi dress all set and my toe nails already painted to match my accessories, day one of a four day Kandi run. The cliche is so very true, we only get one of these lives, so we better make the most of it. I know I'll be smiling all weekend!

[Stephanie Julianna]

My greatest fear is that at some point I give in totally to Stephanie and loose my life to transitioning. I JUST COULD NEVER LIVE LONG WITHOUT MY FAMILY. That's what keeps me on track.

[Paigeturner71]

Since I'm planning to take the leap soon I have just taking in the advice on here. Making eye contact, ambulate like you have a purpose--I'm so afraid I'm going to skulk about like a cat burgler looking for a way into a house..lol..but we'll see...

[Tracii G]

Skulking is never a good thing to do.It makes you look guilty of doing something.
I'll make eye contact and smile most of the time and converse with the people around me if they are friendly.
Last week I spent some time at a local park reading a book and had one lady come up and ask if she could share the other end of the bench and I said sure go right ahead.
She had a cute little dog with her so we talked about dogs in general.
At some point she had to figure out I was not a GG but she never let on so I guess I did ok.

[phili]

We can't fairly criticize anyone worried about their relationships- because relationships are what sustain us. It is very difficult to live without them!

Then there is the fact that our relationships are almost never with whole people- just with parts of people. I have to understand that my wife is in relationship with the part of me she likes and wants to be in relationship with, and she is not available to be in relationship with the other parts of me. From my side, parts of her are not easy to be in relationship with either, although I am not antagonistic to them.

My volunteer and church relationships are not focused on gender, and I am taking my time before making it an issue. Yes, my identity is not clearly presented to them, but...do I know much about them that is personal? Are they making their various special personal issues an issue? No.

We do live in a society, and we all have to make compromises of various kinds to keep the overall social machinery from bogging down in responding to individual cases that challenge the way the community fabric is woven. Fearing being discovered by too many people is a reasonable fear of creating disintegrative chaos in the web that we live in.

That said, how to expand acceptance for my version of gender is constantly on my mind. I am able to be more relaxed and philosophical only because I have many small outlets. I can go out to the anonymous big city, and take my chances on encountering people I know, rehearsing my story. "I am doing a social art project- Life as a costume party!" It worked at my mother's retirement home.

I am reaching out to folks in the local genderqueer meetups to see if anyone shares my level of peace about this and wants to go out to the museums, etc. So a good portion of my relief is in light still at the end of the tunnel- but that works to get me by another day. I let my genderfluid/crossdressed self be more visible a tiny bit each day to new people or places, and I feel progress.

[LeannS]

I want to thank everyone on this thread for your comments.
It has opened my eyes even more.
but my biggest fear is my wife she knows I dress but she sure as hell
doesn't like it.

[Krea]

I hear you Nic.
I too was living in that type of community but because of things that happened I had to move.
Good luck on your adventures.

Thank-you Leslie Mary. I hope it doesn't come to that!
My wife has been reasonably supportive of my limited CDing so far, but i am afraid that alienating her family or having to move to a different area would lead to her being far less tolerant about it!

Your new avatar photo' is terrific by the way :)

[Salina]

What an outstanding thread! My wife's fears are much greater than any I may have. She is afraid someone we know will see me and recognize me, she is afraid for my safety, she is afraid of what people will think of her being married to a CD, and afraid that I will like going out so much that I want to go full time. I used to have a lot of fears but since fully accepting myself and my recent first outing which was wonderful my fears have left the room. I have another outing planned in two weeks and will continue to have more. To accommodate her, I have them away from where we live which greatly reduces the odds of seeing someone we know. My first and subsequent outings was and will be helped so much by all the great advice and sharing of your experiences. Be confident, walk tall, act as if you belong, smile, make direct eye contact, be proud of who I am, and other bits of wisdom helped so much. Hopefully one day my wife's fears will subside and the two of us can go out together!

[Helen_Highwater]

So, since YOU never had a problem, fear of it isn't justified. Right. One person's experience. Got it.

Never had a problem? Never further from the truth. I can only to well remember my early years when the thought of going out scared the hell out of me. Many baby steps later I've reach the position were going out while not totally without trepidation now doesn't hold the same fears as it did in times past. I recently posted about how I had a few days away 24 enfemme staying on a caravan park. Leaving the caravan was one of the most scary things I've ever done. Given I was going to take a train, get on a bus, hit the shops, get lunch all as Helen opening that door and taking the 3-4 steps to the car should have been a breeze. Not so. It took me some time to rationalise my feelings. To tell myself that this was utterly illogical and to JDI. So deep breath, out the door and on with the day which, BTW, meant I interacted with many folk and all were respectful and pleasant. Nothing bad happened, far from it. And this is the point. The fear I felt to me was real, I accept that. However it was illogical. I created scenarios in my mind of bad things that were going to happen, non of which did. Our fantasies can be our own worse enemies. Fiction prevails over truth.


Helen, I was a police officer with the NYPD for 10 years, I have seen the effects of random violence first hand. And a lot of it because of stupid trivial altercations. Just as an aside, I left the Job because we had a newborn daughter and my wife was worried about her being left fatherless due to some asshat with a gun. I took a nice safe office job....In the World Trade Center.

I am very happy to hear that violent acts & behaviors don't form part of your experience, may you never have to. But to tell someone that their fear of such a danger is unfounded, is a little condescending.

When I spoke of my fears, I didn't mean to imply that they were crippling, nor preventing me from doing what I choose; however, they are factors that I am cognizant of when I dress and go out. The same way I am aware of the dangers of driving - aware of them, alert for trouble, but still driving.

If I appear condescending it's certainly not my intention. It is true however that we construct within our imaginations a whole host of scenarios of events that negatively impact upon our desires. As a police officer I'm sure you did come across many awful events. I can watch my any number of fly on the wall cop programs on TV were unpleasant people inflict their bad behavior on others. The truth on my situation is that I don't experience these things. The truth is the vast majority of us don't. We live calm peaceful lawful lives.

I was in the garden today which we plant up to benefit the pollinating insects, bees, butterfly's. How many people do you know who will flap their arms like they're trying to fly under their own power at the sight of a bee or a wasp? I love to observe their (bees) behavior up close. Bees are buzzing around my head and you know what? I can't remember the last time I got stung. It was probably as a child, 50 years ago. And before someone mentions anaphylactic shock I accept for a few the risk is real and potentially life threatening. For the vast majority of us however it isn't. So given the low chance of being stung why do so many people react so and in truth increase the chance of a slightly painful encounter? We're supposed to be intelligent sentient beings so lets act like it.

By coincidence there was a post by Paula_16 https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?250213-Thanks-For-The-Inspiration in which she wrote;

A few weeks ago, I had to drive 6-7 hours to a meeting. I changed to Paula at a rest stop, went to the Women's RR. I felt so comfortable, I couldn't believe it. Stopped for gas, went inside, Women's RR again. No second looks, just me being me. At lunch, decided to be really brave and went inside at Wendy's. The young girl taking my order complimented my bracelet, and, after taking my name for the order called me Paula. No one gave me a second glance. A grandma and teen came in and sat facing me. I thought they would look and whisper, but nothing. The Wendy's server said, "bye, Paula" when I left.

Driving as Paula just felt so comfortable.

Coming back, I drove dressed. I was stopping at a hotel after 5 hours. Could I check in dressed as I have read about some of you doing? I arrived. I was too tired of driving to change now. I went in, gave the young girl my credit card and ID. She was so nice. Treated me as Paula. We even chatted a bit about the weather. I've never felt so good. I went to dinner at Applebees. A family with preteen girls sat facing me. I thought that would bring the pointing and whispering, but, again, nothing. I couldn't believe how well it went.

I never would have done this without reading about some of you doing the same things. So, thanks to all.

And for me this is the point. Time and time again people post of the good events in their lives. Those of us who have made that step into the outside world simply seek to share our good experiences. It's not that we don't understand the trials, trepidation and fears folks experience. We've experienced them to. What it is we're trying to convey is so much of what we fear is a construct within out heads. It has little bearing upon the reality of what it's like to spread your wings and fly into the wider world outside your 4 walls.

[faltenrock]

I'm out so much....and learned not to be afraid of anything. To go to any place I want and never had a problem.

There is one club I visit regularly in Holland. It used to be a gay and transgender place. Today it's a mix of everything, gay people, couples, single women and men. Normally it gets a little crowded only after about 4 AM, closing at 7 AM, when people go there after work (bar people, hotel employees, guests of other club that close at 4 AM and so on. I've known the owners and some guests for some years now, we always talk, I get free drinks and meet interesting people. So far I've been the only CD there (that used to be different about 15-20 years ago).
However, one bartender told me a few weeks ago, one guy started making fun of me, I didn't notice at all.
They directly told him to leave the open minded place and not come back.

I think that's great and how it should be.

Last time, a week ago, the owner came to me prior to leaving and said he's so happy that I come as a regular guest. He himself is gay and married with a guy, both around 60 years old.

[Jeri Ann]

My greatest fear is that at some point I give in totally to Stephanie and loose my life to transitioning. I JUST COULD NEVER LIVE LONG WITHOUT MY FAMILY. That's what keeps me on track.

This is the big one for me. Most of the time I am holding on to my life with white knuckles, arms aching *and grip slipping. Then, I get a better grip and hang on just a little longer.

I have a great life, envied by many, that I would give up in an instant, if it were not for my family.

It hurts so badly. Sigh

[Tracii G]

If some of you fear slipping off the edge then dressing is something you can't control?
You have family that keep you grounded and you couldn't live without them so how is it you will lose control and slip of the edge and transition?

[Paigeturner71]

If I ever got to the point I felt I had to transition to en femme completely I would try to have all my fear issues worked out beforehand. Right now I don't have that need. But the WANT is there...

[Sara Jessica]

I wish it were that easy Tracii.


This is the big one for me. Most of the time I am holding on to my life with white knuckles, arms aching *and grip slipping. Then, I get a better grip and hang on just a little longer.

I have a great life, envied by many, that I would give up in an instant, if it were not for my family.

It hurts so badly. Sigh

I could have written this myself Jeri. I too have built a great life in spite of knowing the truth all along about the absolute essence of my being. One thing I did a few years ago was to prune transition from the decision tree. I eliminated it as even a remote possibility as an utter act of defiance. It still hurts badly at times but not nearly as frequent or as much as it did when that transition carrot was still out there.

[JeanTG]

My greatest fear is that at some point I give in totally to Stephanie and loose my life to transitioning. I JUST COULD NEVER LIVE LONG WITHOUT MY FAMILY. That's what keeps me on track.

The exact same fear has kept me from transitioning as well, and keeping my girl time to myself and my therapist. Oh how I would love to be out in the open though. I don't pretend I'll ever pass (I could have when 30 years younger, with work), but I hope to reach the point where I can at least "blend in".

[Aunt Kelly]

If some of you fear slipping off the edge then dressing is something you can't control?
You have family that keep you grounded and you couldn't live without them so how is it you will lose control and slip of the edge and transition?

Respectfully, Tracii, I believe that you underestimate the conflict felt by many transsexuals in situations similar to Sara Jessica and Jeri Ann. Now, I am not transsexual, so I speak only from the knowledge I've gained from this community, but I can tell you this much - I hope that I never have to deal with the conflict that that those ladies deal with every day, and BTW ladies, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here. For them, gender dysphoria isn't ameliorated by "dressing", so take that notion out of the equation. In fact, I wonder if it doesn't make it worse for them at times, reminding them that they can only get so close, for just so long, before they have to resume the uncomfortable "guy" disguise that enables them to continue to be close to those they love, even though most of those they love would kick them to the curb if they knew the truth.

OMG, how painful that dichotomy must be to live through. Think on that. Nothing will ease the conflict but transition, and transition will lead to the loss of everything else that matters most. It's no wonder the suicide rate (ideation, gestures/attempts, and completion) is so much higher in that segment. I'll make no value judgement about what is worth giving up or who had a lousy life as a guy anyway, but I will observe that for most who have transitioned, loss is part of the process. Most will tell you they are happier now, but if it were that simple, there wouldn't be stories like our friends have shared in this thread.

Speaking of "this thread"... Phew! That was a rant and a half. Apologies to Paula for taking the original topic still further into the weeds, but I see true gender dysphoria and "the pink fog" conflated regularly here. They're not the same thing and they're probably not even two points along the same spectrum. And again, apologies to Jeri Ann and Sara Jessica if I have spoken out of turn and muddied the waters still further.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Actually, ALL of my really deep fears have come to pass. April 23, 2016...My wife of 29 years announced that she could no longer live with a man "who wants to be a woman." The fact that my next door neighbor & friend moved into the house a month after I left is purely coincidental.........

In one fell swoop I lost my wife, my home, and half of my friends. Now, if I happen to bump into any of her friends around town, they give me the stink eye and then snub me.

The only thing that remains is my beautiful daughter who accepts me as I am. flaws & all, although I have been hesitant to share more than showing some of the things I have bought. I am afraid of losing her, even though the chance is slight, and I wouldn't be able to cope if I lost her love as well.

So yeah, the fears ARE real, and calling them "irrational" just because they haven't happened to YOU (general pronoun) is slightly pretentious, IMO.

[Ressie]

Those are good points Jodie Lynn.^ Spouses can act like they accept a CD husband but sometimes they change their mind eventually. Plus, some have a way of outing him to everyone unexpectedly. I'm pretty sure one or two of my exes have told others that I CD. Lucky for me the consequences weren't as drastic as your story.

However, I believe the OP was mostly talking about stepping out rather than coming out. Either way, when you're outed by a spouse it happens even if you've never gone out en femme. And it happens whether you were afraid or not!

[sometimes_miss]

In one fell swoop I lost my wife, my home, and half of my friends. Now, if I happen to bump into any of her friends around town, they give me the stink eye and then snub me.
It took years for me to find out what, exactly, my ex wife told people about why we split. I had feared the worst, but, having paid off her blackmail request, seems she held up her word not to expose my crossdressing. Instead, she apparently told people that I had married her while professing to want children but, in reality, did not, and had deceived her, by never planning to get her pregnant, and had gotten a vasectomy before getting married and had not told her.

Quite a yarn, but I suppose people bought it. And it explained why they all treated me so badly whenever I met them. As much as it hurt me to have anyone think that of me, I had no alternate reason to suggest, less they go back to her and she get angry all over again and this time around, expose me.

[Rachelish]

I was having similar thoughts yesterday while away on a visit to a different town, weighing up the variety of people walking around and how, in amongst everyone else, I might (or might not) be noticed en femme. It gave me some confidence in someday being able to do it, and I think I could do it without fear of attack or ridicule, though not without some trepidation.

However, currently, if it was my home town there would be a real fear of meeting someone that I knew. Not being 'out' adds that extra risk of kicking off a catastrophic series of events Ã*nd losing control of everything. That's scary.

Rachel

[Dana44]

I have rally long hair. I was fueling my truck when a guy came up to me and said, I had a dream last night that I had my long hair just like yours. He said friend your hair is beautiful and keep on growing it. I lost mine years ago.