Based on what?

[Nigella]

I have read a large number of posts that talk about "feeling feminine" the "feminine experience".

What do you base the "feminine" aspect of your dressing on?

Femininity (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Femininity)

If you read the information in the link, this is a state of mind, a mix of social constraints and attributed behaviours. Do you not feel feminine all the time? or are you just basing your "feminity" on the choice of clothing your wear?

[Laura912]

The feminine aspect of my dressing is that it mostly resembles the clothing worn by those society and/or biology have defined as female. The feminine aspect of my self are the behaviors existing in my mind and exihibited in day to day behavior. Any labels are respectfully declined.

[CarlaWestin]

I'm just doing something that makes me happy and satisfied. Feeling 'feminine' is just a convenient language term that encompasses the most elements to describe that feeling.
I'm absolutely positive that I'm not actually feeling genetically female. So much for the reality check. Back to feeling feminine.

[Lana Mae]

I agree with Laura! I have noticed and have discreetly been told that some of my mannerisms are feminine! It is just part of me! There are times when I do not feel feminine but you know what it is alright because it is who I am! Hugs Lana Mae

[Ineke Vashon]

I've mentioned it before and repeat what I believe: "my dressing seems to be an outward expression of an inner feeling." How strong that feeling is and where it comes from I have no idea, other than it forms part of my being.

Ineke

[Heather Chasen]

Hi Nigella, I can understand why you ask the question, many times people will say that certain things make them feel feminine or girly, Pesonaly i've never felt that way , because I am male and I can only feel like me, how could I ever know how it feels to be anyone else, it makes no difference how I'm dressed I am still me . However I do know how dressing makes me feel, and that is a very good feeling, it feels right to be dressed in the clothes that most peope would say are wrong for me to wear, that is where the guilt and shame comes into play and why most of us do not go out dressed. Its as Carla says it makes me happy and satisfied , so why not. The problem is in doing it whithout hurting those that you love and who are never going to accept or understand what we get so much pleasure from. Each one of us is different and can only do this our own way so dont try and overthink it just do what makes you happy and dont worry about yhe rest of the world. Heather

[Tracii G]

The clothes don't make me feel more feminine they are more an outward expression of me on the inside.
The whole reason I wear womens (my clothes) is to help my mind and body feel in tune with each other.
If for some reason I have to wear guy clothes it makes me feel off kilter or out of place.
As far as me having the" feminine experience" I don't think its possible for me because I an not a genetic female and I will never know.
If CD's claim to have the "feminine experience" it is more like wishful thinking on their part.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

The Wiki link is heavy going and contains some debatable points. I'm actually surprised it isn't padlocked, as there are some subjective statements which could be contentious and normally that results in a scrap.

It seems reasonable to say that a crossdresser's notion of femininity is hardly valid - how could it be? - It's a man's notion of what constitutes femininity.

When I say I'm feeling feminine today, all it means is I'm fulfilling my version of what I've been taught to associate with the word. However, from what Wiki says, that notion tallies pretty closely with...whoever wrote the Wiki entry. It would be interesting to know if it was written by a man or a woman, or both.

I've always felt a sneaking suspicion that many crossdressers' notion of femininity is more or less sexist, in that it could be defined as, soft, sensual, kind, caring, considerate, gentle, and of course 'sexy'. All these terms imply docility and a desire to please and appeal to others, especially men, which is hardly compatible with in-yer-face feminism... yet the Wiki entry lists terms like this under the definition.

As Margaret Thatcher amply showed, it is possible to be both feminine and capable of beating men at their own game. When I see some tarty frockstar in 6" heels and little more than a sequinned thong twerking on stage while singing about female empowerment, all I see is the perpetuation of trad male sexism; the ultimate seeker after daddy's attention.

Femininity must to a degree be subjective, as there is more than one definition, but when I put on women's clothes and make up, why is it that my left wrist automatically droops?

[Teresa]

Nigella,
Whether I dress or not I have a need or gut feeling to satisfy a female trait. I have had this feeling since the start of my CDing at the age of 8-9 years . OK it's possibly the start of my GD and associated AGP , I have to be seen and accepted as a woman . Do I feel more feminine ? I'm not sure , all I know is the mind and body or how it looks come together .

If I feel more feminine it's because I've satisfied the female side of me , so to me it's based on feeling far less masculine, it's not solely the clothes , they are only part of the equation .

[DIANEF]

Obviously being a male I can never know truly what it is to be 'feminine', I can only go off my own experiences of females I have known. When I am fully dressed I do feel different, but what label I would put on that I don't know, or even worry about. I do know that I like how I look on the outside, and I like how I feel on the inside.

[kimdl93]

In my case, "n"= 1, I basically assigned the label to any behavior that didn't fit a mental stereotype of masculine. The problems is that "behavior", whether it be how you sit, what books you read, or how you choose to spend your spare time, is not the exclusive province of one gender or another. Once one accepts the possibility of being TG its possible to over analyze and interpret pretty gender neutral behaviors or traits in a way that supports the assumption. I believe its called confirmation bias.

[Rachel05]

When I dress like I am now, I feel a different me, a softer me, more relaxed me, difficult to find the words but at work today I felt good, had a great day, got home got dressed in my female attire and I feel so different

Is that me feeling feminine? I am not sure, but I love how it makes me feel inside, a different kind of happy a different kind of me

[Meghan4now]

While I understand the argument, and agree that often crossdressers are acting out a sterotypical role as they perceive it, I also do believe that there can be an empathetic experience that goes beyond just a delusion.

It can be analogous to people being accepted into an ethnic or social group not of their birth or early upbringing. Ever see Dances with Wolves? Yes I am still male, but I believe that I have had very strong empathetic epiphany moments.

It reminds me of when I was in high school. My best friend was African american. We were like brothers, inseparable. One day he was at the pool with me, checking out the chicks, etc. We decided to lay out to catch some sun (remember when tanning was OK?) After a while, he took his watch off to get into the pool. And he had a tan line. "Wow, OH my G.. That's what it feels like to be white?!"

So back to the point, sure, it's not always about being pretty, or acting like a spoiled princess. My view of women has been greatly informed by my family, with 5 sisters, each strong, each accomplished, each with a wonderful sense of self. So when I have a epiphany, I "believe" it is not just because of some unrealistic fantasy. I believe it can happpen. For me, it's when I feel accepted as feminine.

P.S.
Ironically two of the more powerful experiences, I was totally en drab. And yes there have also been a couple where I looked in the mirror, shocked to see a woman looking back at me, with the realization that that could be a real life possibility.

[Rachael Leigh]

I think I define my feeling as the enjoyment of looking pretty especially the makeup and the attire.
I also enjoy how my undergarments feel against my skin. I wear panties 24/7 and usually wear some type of cami under
my male shirts and it helps keep me with a bit of that feeling

[Debra Russell]

I have a deep affinity for the feminine and the clothes just let me express that "feeling" - if that's what were calling it ...................................Debra

[Jenny22]

Feeling feminine is not the same as feeling female. An M2F CDer can never feel like a female, but can certainly feel feminine at times. 'Feminine' is just a descriptive adjective. So, let it be.

[Stephanie47]

I was banging away on a loquacious response, but, alas I was timed out again. Rats! "Femininity" or "feeling feminine" is just a frame of mind. Further, it is 'my" perception of what I believe "feeling feminine" or "femininity" may mean. I really have no way of knowing. Do I? It's a male perception. Wait. Maybe there is something in my DNA/gene pool that does ooze just a smidgen of different feelings than the DNA between my legs normally oozes. Since I really do not know why I do what I do I really don't know squat about it? Or do I? Maye a GG needs to tell me what "feeling feminine" means. Or for her to define "femininity." I think my wife will be home shortly. Maybe, I'll ask her. After all she just got through with one of the most feminine (or is it female) experiences possible; chemotherapy,surgery, radiation therapy for breast cancer.

[Tina_gm]

Masculine and feminine are subjective. I'm likely a more feminine male In the deep South than say Berkeley California. Or to most anyway.

I consider myself to be a feminine person due to having physical emotional and personality traits more common among females than males. That doesn't make me a female, just like one or relating to one on certain levels.

Dressing in clothing that is what is mostly considered feminine, marketed for women and put in women's sections is an outward reflection of my femininity. I am one who doesn't get a feeling of femininity from dressing. It's my Femininity that gives me the desire to wear clothing designed for women. I feel the same inside as a person regardless of which section the clothing comes from. I personally don't understand the vast difference often spoken of on here. I don't live and die based on what I'm wearing. It's just an outward expression, and to me not really different than other traits or mannerisms which are more common among women than men.

[CynthiaD]

I don't know how to feel like anyone but myself. In that sense I guess I feel feminine all the time, since I consider myself female. But there are times when I feel that I'm truly expressing my inner feelings in the way that I'm dressed. It's like I'm shouting out "Look everybody! This is the real me!" And that's a really good feeling.

[BLUE ORCHID]

For me it is the pretty lady in the mirror smiling back at me!

[Beverley Sims]

I have had this state of mind for years, it bothers me less as each day goes by.

I talk with my hands, look at fashions in the shops, present as a female when possible, I have permanent bra indentations on my body and maybe one day I will get my ears pierced.

[Dana44]

Feminism is the domain of women, However, me as a gender fluid person switches between masculine and feminine. So sometimes I do feel womanly, yet, I never be as womanly as a woman is because of social construct and the fact that they have been mothers. But I do know feminine instincts and I will never be a woman. They have so much more empathy and yielding characteristics, that we don't have as it was pounded into us all of our lives as to be aggressive and on top of things. So that is part of us also. But I do have empathy and some yielding and nurturing characteristics. But like any male, I will stand my ground if it doesn't look right and we have to protect our females.

[Jodie_Lynn]

As others have stated, the clothes are just the outward sign for me. I have always felt more feminine than masculine, and in truth, the 'male' me is the front, the persona I struggle to wear for the world. Like Superman, the Clark Kent persona is the fake, & Supes has to constantly try to fit the mold of the 'average joe'.

[mykell]

based on my "self", my core, i cant explain it but folks see it in me......with my relationship with my my wig consultant i have had the opportunity to engage with her in both states of my being, male and female, a few times i have swapped clothes in her studio, when in female dress she states i change, my movements are different and demeanor is softer, it is not a cognizant thought or action on my part, my thoughts are that once dressed i let down my guard and my natural "self" acts, i no longer default to the trained male characteristics i developed to "fit in"

she states that she is more comfortable with me as a female, she accepts me and i occasionally take her up on her offer to stop by anytime....just to hang out and talk. no purchase necessary.

i also have befriended a lesbian at my LGBT club, she sees me as a lesbian dressed either way by how i answer her questions....we go pretty deep sometimes, we had some interactions when she would take pictures when i would dress up a little more and she said how natural i was in heels and how natural i was when she would pose me.....i gave her the credit as she made it fun to do it. something i think i would have sought out if i hadnt hid my true "self"

ive felt it come out in male mode and have had to cover it by acting manly. holding my arm outwardly with the extension cord while using my leaf blower comes to mind as well as when working in stores standing on my tippy toes when working the higher shelves even though im clearly tall enough not to have to. those times i have had to think about what i was doing and cover it up.

so its something i think some here think they have to say or some just cant explain it and some misinterpret with the sexy part of dressing.

so i think i possess some form of femininity but i dont feel like im female and never assume what that is like....

[Becky Blue]

Great topic Nigella. When I dress it is to align my look and external feel to how I feel inside. As a genderfluid type how feminine I feel inside varies from some to very to extremely. I don't need to dress at all to feel feminine but there are times when I need to get the external and internal in alignment. But often it can be something very small such as shaving my underarms that creates that connection to my inner fem.

[Nigella]

Thanks for the responses so far. Reading the many replies, to break it down into a nutshell, most define it more as an internal feeling rather than a perceived set of mannerisms, style and activity.

[Amelie]

There is a rule book out there, one that is invisible but everyone seems to know what's in it. In this rule book is a chapter on what is fem and masculine among many other rules for trans people, such as dressing appropriate for ones age, especially when in public. And other rules.

I have been trans for 5 years before I had any contact with another trans person. It was when I met these trans people in a trans bar that I found out there are ways to be a woman(being fem). I was told that I wasn't doing things correctly, I wasn't fem enough. Just the wearing of sneakers was a taboo back then for a trans person. It wasn't fem enough. I didn't wear a bra or pads cause I didn't have breasts back then i didn't need a bra, another no no. Not fem enough for them. I had a cd who looked like the monster Frankenstien in a dress tell me I wasn't fem enough, I should try harder to be fem.

When I hung out with mostly punk people, I was OK with them, I was a woman to them. None of them said I was too masculine or not fem enough. I was just another girl to them. There were no rules dictating what is fem and what isn't. As you can probably tell, I didn't hang out for long at trans bars, too many rules.

I think words depend on who is saying them. I don't believe in the words feminine or masculine, they make no sense to me. I think the trans world relies too much on those words instead of just living a life. Don't worry about how you should act, dress or talk, or whatever you do. Just live like you always do and don't follow the rules, just be yourself.

[Fiona123]

It's very much internal. Dressing or underdressing help, a lot. But in the end it's how you feel. There is a rule book, even gals on this site seem to follow it. Ignore that and go with how you feel, there is no one right way.

[phili]

For me it is any desirable behavior or emotional experience that I was denied or denied for myself in order to pass as a man, in contrast to a woman. [All this happened in boyhood]

I feel completely different, as feminine, and it is a great healing- but there is plenty I like about masculine so it ebbs and flows.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It doesn't seem like many bothered to read the Wiki link...?

[DIANEF]

I did read it but my definition is my own, not that of someone else.

[sometimes_miss]

As simple as what you are feeling. When wearing my girl outfits, I'm experiencing that which I NEVER feel when dressed as a male. Perhaps it's the almost frequent playing with my hair to take the tangles out, or just playing with it in general. Doing my manicure while shaping my nails differently, nail polish, doing my hair differently (and the hair is waaaaay longer than I ever had it as a boy), putting on/wearing/seeing/feeling a bra/nylon panties/stockings/garters/heels/earrings/collar/bracelet/rings/dress or female top&skirt/girls watch having all this in my visual field is something that boy me never has. Smelling female associated scents such as hair products scents / perfumes, colognes or antiperspirants, hairspray, nail polish remover counts as well. Reading websites / watching TV shows / movies which are geared to the lives of females and trying to interpret what I see and read in such a way that might relate to how it reflects on how they shape their own lives.
And of course, the biggest ones. When meeting someone who I'm attracted to, I wonder about how I can be visually attractive to her, how I might change my clothing, my hair, my body posture/body language, to look better to her, and want to defer to her choices in order t make her like me more; basically, to be a follower rather than a leader. Sexually, I feel like I'm supposed to wait for her to initiate things, for her to do what she wants to me rather than the opposite. Sex is more about affection than the uncontrollable overwhelming urge towards orgasm, and orgasm itself is nice when it happens but not absolutely necessary for the enjoyment of the whole thing; it's the whole 'she's supposed to be doing something to me' rather than the reverse is a feeling that has plagued me my whole life, having resulted from being molested as a kid, when I was basically someone's girlfriend for about 7 years.
As I am not 'out' and so do not try to attract men, one thing that I don't experience is the 'I've got nothing to wear' sensation that perhaps women do in an effort to alter her appearance constantly in order to maintain the interest of her mate. But I do buy way too many outfits, some which I have still never worn, all because they looked so pretty. When men do 'retail therapy' we usually do it in a tool store or auto parts place. spending hours looking at clothes trying to imagine how I'd accessorize it, or what hairdo I'd wear with it, what make up, shoes, etc., go with it is purely a feminine experience.
And of course, just trying to get through my day without focusing on sex every ten seconds. It's often been said that guys think about sex constantly, or at least that often on average. Focusing on the clothes exclusively while surrounded by hot, attractive women, is a rather feminine experience as well I would think.

The one thing I've never felt, is the 'does this outfit make my butt look too big' thing. Perhaps that's one of the biggest differences between the male and female experience.

OTOH, one of the most masculine of all feelings is, does she swallow? Women never have that feeling. You know, because we men wine tasters who must remain sober in order to evaluate all those wines because we are the ones who have to drive home after all that wine tasting, well we'd have to spit it out all the time. And, you know, the ladies have the option of swallowing or not because they don't have to, well, drive home.

And I apologize if any of that made your morning coffee come out of your nose.