Seeing a Therapist

[Gillian Gigs]

I have stepped into retirement, and now have time to do many of the things on my 'bucket list'. One of them was to see a therapist and hopefully to get help in finding some answers to my questions of why. I believe that I have found a good one. She has excellent experience and has a back ground in gender issues. My two biggest questions are;

1. Why would a Dad who valued being a man's man so much, and wanted his son to be one also, punish him (me) by putting him into panties and girls clothes?
The best answer I ever came up with on my own was because shame is a strong force, and he wanted to drive me away from being a mamma's boy. Dah, he was never around, and when he was he wasn't involved with the family. All I had around me was a mother and two much older sisters. Short of getting an answer directly from some one who is dead, one can only speculate now. One of the thoughts was that he saw a softer gentler side in me that he considered feminine. He was a very black and white kind of guy, austere about sums it up.

2. This one is the bigger question, why would a boy who was punished in this way start to wear his mothers lingerie at age 12? This was before sexual thoughts entered the picture. I had thought it was me remembering the feel of the clothes from the punishment, and there was then something in it that drew me back to it. The Therapist said that to find the answer to that question I had to ask myself, what need did I have that needed to be filled in my life. It obviously filled a need, as I kept dressing up. It could also have been an unconscious rebellion against what my Dad stood for. As in me standing up for what I was, or wanted to be.

My first ejaculation while in lingerie at age 14 left me both excited and terror stricken at the same time. In the days of my youth there was little information about sex for a kid to read, so what had happened to me? At the time I was as ignorant as is possible on the subject. You learned what I could by listening to other boys, and that is where I learned about what they called 'jacking off ' a couple of months later. The shame issue continued to rear its ugly head. One didn't brag about my kind of quirk, so after many years of this, the ruts and there walls got deeper and deeper.

The Therapist said that our culture has bound and confined men into roles, clothes, and choices that have hurt them and our society, both men and women have suffered because of it. She wants me to not only accept myself, but embrace who I am, even to the point of going out in public in the way I choose to dress. I might not be there at this time, but I have a lot of food for thought. For the record, she asked about how I would go out, I told her, a camisole, panties, guy shirt, skirt, pantyhose, with a comfortable pair of walking shoes. She knows that I go for a walk every day.

Well let's see what the next session brings, She is getting me to think about this in different ways, and that is what I was looking for.

[Ellie Summer]

Congrats on finding a great therapist. She's right, men have been forced into a very specific role that doesn't allow for any femininity, and I find it completely bizarre and destructive. I'm sorry to hear about your dad punishing you in that way. It sounds like he had some problems of his own to work through. I hope you find many more answers in future sessions, and congrats on the retirement. Now enjoy it in the way that YOU want to.

[Devi SM]

I feel sorry that you had to wait so long to go with a therapist.
I'm in therapy too, gender therapist.
I did similar questions too and I'd read so far 3 books about it and no answers, but she's helping me wonderfully to feel more freedom and almost get out the closet completely.
Things are working great with my wife but answers on why I enjoy dressi g as a woma are very difficult to find, so I ha e up on that and just accept who I am and love myself and enjoy myself with my wife.

[Fiona123]

That therapist has very good advice!

[Rachael Leigh]

I've been to several therapist non were too spacifc towards gender but the last one I went to it was discussed at length.
He helped me accept myself and not be afraid of it but to learn to manage my gender identity.
Good luck and hope you can find some peace in this

[mattea]

Sounds like you have found the right therapist, your story is very similar to mine and I have always known that I was different, my dressing pre-dates my sexual urges too, and your post makes me think about what need drove the desire to do that. Good luck with your finding your way, and my only suggestions are to make sure you plan it and be deliberate about how you find your path.

[Lana Mae]

Congrats on the therapist as she sounds like she might be a good one! Best wishes going forward! Hugs Lana Mae

[Salina]

I'm so glad your therapist is helping you get answers and fully accept yourself! She sounds wonderful! I've been seeing a therapist for a couple months and she's helping me find answers and with self acceptance. I too was punished by being made to wear my sister's clothes by my mom at 8 or 9 years old and my first sexual experience was like yours. I hope she continues to help you in your journey.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I went to a couple of therapists, but after both my parents had passed, and my wife had discovered that I CD.

I wasn't so concerned about why (I CDed). Since both my parents were dead, I could never really find out why, and it was history anyhow.

I wanted to learn to accept myself.

It turned out one of my uncles was gay. I always thought he was, but he was married with children, and I always saw him with his wife. My dad grew up with him, but always denied he was gay. Maybe he was overcompensating.

Maybe your dad was subject to the same punishment as he subjected you to, and it "worked" for him. Or maybe he knew of a friend or cousin who was subjected to the same punishment.

[SDress22]

Interesting, I've always wondered what, if anything was the trigger for me, was it caused by one curious day of trying my mother's clothes on, or was it already ingrained in me before that. I have no real idea.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

There may be no connection between your father's action in making you wear female items, and your own subsequent enjoyment of doing so.

But it's easy to see how you'd be confused about your motivations. It's entirely possible that you'd still be a crossdresser today even if he'd never acted in that way.

You can never know the answer to that, and at this point in your life, how much difference could it make anyway? All the therapist can help you do is learn to accept what happened without feeling shame- and accept yourself today.

I'm not sure that you should let the therapist encourage you to go out dressed, that should be something that comes 100% from you. Start by coming to the sessions dressed, then if that feels good, take it from there.

Thanks for sharing your journey, please let us know how the sessions work out for you.

[kimdl93]

Can't quite figure out what was going on with your father. Not sure if its causative, but certainly that was abusive behavior on his part. No one should be treated that way. I do understand that was years ago, and times have changed, but I can't imagine a father acting that way.

I have worked with very good therapists and spent a fair amount of time trying to answer the 'why" question. In the end, its all speculative. Memories are incredibly unreliable, and its very easy to fit one's memories to fit a narrative or to reshape one's narrative to fit a particular theme.

Don't focus on seeking explainations or root causes. Instead, ask yourself who do you want to be NOW.

[Joni Beauman]

Interesting coincidence. I too was punished, though my my mother, made to wear a dress-like outfit to a neighbor's birthday party, about age 5. Also wore lingerie lying around from that age. Without the aid of consultation in my retirement, my personal theory is its a bit like self cutting but with less blood: you get pleasure without much pain (depending on shoes) and the associated punishment all at the same time.