Wife said "NO MORE DRESSING"

[Judy-Somthing]

Well three months ago I told my wife I was cross-dressing behind her back and that I started when I was about 8.
Well after thirty five years of marriage it didn't go over well with her. She said things will never be the same between us and I have to stop dressing.

I haven't dressed in three months and our relationship seems to be pretty good like old times.

Well last night while watching TV with her I saw a woman in a nice dress and said wow that would look good on me.
She said if I dress again things would get very bad between us and I would have to seek professional to help me stop.

I did get rid of half my stash three months ago.
Is keeping my stash a temptation of dressing?

If I don't have a stash I won't be able to dress if the BLUE-FOG hits me.

SAD SAD SAD!

[nikkiwindsor]

Obviously, you're in real bind. I didn't dress for years b/c my didn't want me to. But, I was so miserable for so long that my wife eventually allowed me to dress. But, I did go without dressing for many, many years without any expectation that my wife would change her mind. I'm very fortunate that my wife realized that my GD was tormenting me and she was compassionate with my situation. No amount of therapy would rid me of my femininity. It's a part of my DNA and has been with me from a young age.

[Aunt Kelly]

No. It is not a temptation. It is a recognition that you will always be tempted and will eventually give in. It is unfortunate that your wife does not want to understand crossdressing well enough to find a less destructive way, not to mention a more realistic way, of dealing with it. Just the same "professional help" is not a bad idea. If there is ever going to be a better understanding on her part, you're going to need the credibility of an expert in your corner. And by expert I mean someone with training and experience in dealing with gender identity issues, not a "marriage counselor", generic counselor, or clergy.

Good luck to you, Judy. You will be in my prayers tonight.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Laurana]

If she catches you lying to her again I'm fairly confident she will kick you out.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Read in another of your posts, your spouse was reading up on CD. It sounds af if either she had made up her mind based on personal feelings or from reading bad information. Any way of talking with her and finding out what is the basis for her thoughts ?

[Tracii G]

Kelly she probably landed on one of the porn type fetish sites and thinks that what all CDers are like and stopped looking.
She appears not to care about Judy very much.
To me she is the one that needs to seek professional help for spousal abuse.

[Devone]

Right on beautiful Nikki!Devone

[Lana Mae]

Do not think you can just stop! I stopped for 34 years and when it hit it was like a tidal wave! I suggest a councilor, gender type! Do not purge any more! This does not go away! She has to understand that this does not go away! GD does not just go away! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

[Devone]

Right now Judy I'am going out of my mind because I haven't dressed for such a long while , but I'am working on it!Devone

[Teresa]

Judy,
Please take her up on seeking professional help to prove you can't stop !

If she's not going to take your word for it then she will have to believe a professional .

You can't keep this up, you keep asking for advice and yet you let it continue as before . Your wife isn't going to give up until she has her own way and where does that leave you ? What then ? How long before you really cause a problem when you find it's driving you crazy ! Do you end up almost driving yourself under a truck like I nearly did ?

You've asked about purging before , lack of clothes won't change the need in your head, so do you go back to using hers when she's out ? She'll love that when she finds out !

You haven't dressed for three months and yet two words out of place and she gives you another verbal attack, things aren't back to normal, you're just kidding yourself, she'll never be the same again so you've got to show what the dressing really means to you.

I'm sorry Judy but I really feel for you but at some point you really must admit it to yourself and defend your needs, because they aren't going away.

[Di]

Please do not make promises you can't keep.
I think maybe you should see a professional but more to help your wife see it's a part of you and not something you would be able to stop.
She just is not understanding it at all and I think you should not gotten rid of anything.
You might think this is a a solution for a quick fix but be honest with yourself someone that dresses since age 8 is not going to stop. I have never heard of anyone that have just quit. If you dress ( and you most likely will) she will see it as a betrayal and it will be much worst. There is nothing wrong with dressing.
So that's my advice see a professional and include her in sessions after a bit so she can really understand this is not a big deal.
Just my 2 cents

[lingerieLiz]

Getting a professional's opinion doesn't mean a thing if she chooses to believe what she wants to. I've seen it happen to couples over many things. One person locks in on their view and that's it.

[DIANEF]

Sounds like irresistible force meets immovable object, and looks like only big decisions will avert disaster.

[Ressie]

Depends on what kind of counselor. My wife set me up with a Christian counselor. He didn't even want to address crossdressing.

[Tama]

There are professionals out there who work in this arena, and they can be of help with stuff like this...I vote for get assistance soon

[Rogina B]

[QUOTE=Tracii G;4107761
She appears not to care about Judy very much.
To me she is the one that needs to seek professional help for spousal abuse.[/QUOTE]

Yes,I agree !

[Becky Blue]

Judy, by no means am I siding with your wife on this one, BUT I don't think what you said to her was necessarily the best thing. Clearly she is very unhappy with that fact that you have dressed and want to. Saying that you would look good in a dress is actually pouring gas on the fire, what response from her would you expect given your situation? That is unless you are deliberately stoking the fire.

I agree with the others above seeing a professional can only help.

[JMO2]

My advice....even though I am a "fine one to talk" is to "beat her to the punch".
Seek professional counseling and then after a few sessions bring her into the counseling sessions and see what plays out then.
I can guess that it will turn into couples counseling with finding nothing wrong with you and a lot of underlying issues with her.
But then again what do I know?

[Joni Beauman]

I would return to first principles before therapy (which could go any direction): education. Perhaps share suitable literature in a non-threatening way on the topic designed to be a helpful introduction for spouses. My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd is a good start, no doubt read by many here, depending on your commitments. Once you work out how committed you are to surviving this, information can only help put this subject into perspective.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Judy,
You've said that you've been open and honest
with your wife.
I think you may have forgotten to tell her, or maybe
she didn't hear, that this is a part of you that is, and will
always be. IT WONT GO AWAY!
DADT is where you're at, sounds like you would prefer more.
Soooooo.......you and your wife need to to talk!
More importantly... Your wife needs to HEAR what your CDing
means to you.
Does it change the man she's known?
Are you unable to be that man?
OR? Is there more for her to embrace?
Basically..TALK TO HER ABOUT IT!
It's hard, and uncomfortable, but it's the only
way you can work things out with her.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Shelly Preston]

Judy,

I would at least start looking for a counsellor in your area that specialises in Gender issues. You can then at least explore which one might be best. I know they are all professional but you want to pick whichever you feel is best.

Make sure that they will involve your wife at some point.

It seems as if your wife wont accept that this is something that does not need fixed.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

This is another example of a wife's assumption that just because she doesn't like something about her husband that either he drops it or he leaves.

I'm sick of this attitude - how about if she doesn't like it she leaves?

Her total lack of compassion, of love, of tolerance and acceptance, paint her as small minded and heartless. For which she gets the house? I don't think so.

Judy isn't breaking the law, she is harming no one. She isn't having an affair, she isn't abusing anybody, she isn't asking her wife to accept her outing herself to family and neighbours (as far as I know). All she is asking is for the basic partnership that we sign up for when we get married.

While it's true to say that Judy kept her crossdressing hidden, that doesn't give the wife an excuse to lay down the law. She should at least accept a DADT relationship.

Hang in there Judy, and please don't let your wife make this the black and white issue she would prefer.

[jessica33]

Nikki nailed it . Its too funny majority of wives want to bail out of the marriage as soon as they found out about their SO cd . I guess they don't really believe for better , for worse till death do us apart . Why can't his wife offers him a compromise solution , DADT . I though this is what you supposed to do in a marriage . My way or the hiway will never works in any marriage .

[GretchenM]

Although others have certainly covered what I think, I nevertheless emphasize again that seeking professional intervention is needed. Choose someone with experience and knowledge in gender issues. No gender therapist is going to help you quit doing what you have been doing all your life. They won't help you do that even if it is a recent development.

You are going to have to face this head on and your wife will need to be involved at some point. I strongly agree with Teresa's advice. I also agree with Becky in that you should avoid throwing gasoline on the fire. You and your wife both have needs and you two must seek a compromise or it is likely the marriage will be over.

In my opinion, you are both trying to force a point of view on each other - her more than you, but you are both guilty. Many of us have told you many times to seek help with finding a compromise. Yet you resist. You are not going to quit this behavior because it is a need; she isn't going to quit pressuring you and giving ultimatums until you give in or everything blows up and you part ways. Do you really want that? Does she really want that? Either way, it will finally resolve itself, but it is not likely to be pretty if you continue down the path that has been followed the last few months.

[Rhonda Jean]

My opinion (and experience). Having a professional tell her (or tell you which you relay to her) that you can't stop isn't going to make her feel any different. It'll only strengthen her resolve. She's done, and she'll be on alert from now on for any flicker that you're dressing again she'll be gone. Likely, she'll be anxious to tell everybody why she left. In her mind, she's taking the high (and difficult) road, and she'll find sympathy with friends and family.

I don't think purging is as big of a deal as many do. It is mostly symbolic. You can easily buy more. If you don't plan on dressing, there's no point in keeping it around. Even if you're not dressing, if she finds it you're done for.

You probably already know whether you can stop or not. It probably depends on the definition of stopping. To her it probably means none, ever, under any circumstances. She'll always be suspicious that you're doing it behind her back... and you probably will. Even with the best of intentions, could you really go out of town on business and not indulge in some form? You'd probably see that there's no possible way that should matter to her. She'll be just waiting to catch you.

So, she's researching crossdressing? I can't imagine that anybody who is against it, repulsed by it or whatever would accurately describe her attitude towards it would find anything online that would alter that attitude. She'll be drawn to the very worst. It'll serve to empower her, and deepen her disgust.

She's drawn a line in the sand. You don't get to draw you're own line in a different place, or put in any curves. Seems like she's been pretty clear.

Good luck!

[Angie G]

Not having your stash won't keep you from wanting to dress. Your stash doesn't call to you and say here I an come and put me on. It you and will always be you she needs to understand this. she need a lot more info on cross-dressing.:hugs:
Angie

[Laurana]

I'm just curious as to why everyone seems to think it's the wife that has to change. Supposedly she's done "research" and come to the conclusion that she doesn't want anything to do with it. That's her right. She doesn't have to be a part of what "Judy" is doing.

She's already(supposedly) pissed off because of the lies being told to her. She feels betrayed and hurt.

So why isn't she allowed to say "Stop or I'm out"?

In her mind(supposedly) this is not the man she married. She was not given the chance to decide for herself beforehand whether she wants to be part of this. She feels forced into it now.

I know for sure I wouldn't like it.

[Helen_Highwater]

Isn't there a strange paradox in these situations. She loves the man she married but in finding out that person CD's seeks to change that person to in effect become an unknown quantity that she may not have married because of having a different personality.

Your SO did her research, time for you to do yours and find, as others have said, a properly qualified gender therapist. There then becomes an element of risk in that you use therapy as a form of binding arbitration. You attend on the basis that she does as well and accepts the outcome of the discussions. The fact that the therapist may start exploring her hostility to your dressing may not be well received and cause an hardening of her position. She may also recognise that her reactions have been unreasonable and unfounded and soften her position.

This is a cat out of the bag. I could see myself not dressing for extended periods but it would be something that would always be with me and sooner or later an opportunity would present itself and I would take it. As others have said, if I didn't have my own clothes then I'd be raiding her wardrobe and that's something I chose to give up a long time ago.

[Stephanie47]

I'm with "the spousal abuse" corner when it comes to Judy. I believe I posted my opinion before that Judy should just plain ask her wife what her ultimate reaction will be. I'm in a true DADT marriage. I do not display anything that would suggest I'm a cross dresser. I have not done any body modifications. I do not grow my nails out. I do not shave my body hair which is sparse to begin with..lucky me. My clothes are stored away. My wife says nothing. On occasion I have left out a pair of panties or a bra, which she may find, fold and place on top of the dryer. No barbs or condescending remarks are made.

I cannot understand living in such a contentious marriage. Maybe Judy does need help. Help in how to present all these issues to her wife. Or the help of a lawyer. I think I'd jump off a bridge if my wife constantly badgered me about anything. I cannot envision retirement years living with such spousal abuse. I would also consider it spousal abuse for a cross dresser to openly display his interests when a wife truly finds it offensive. My wife told me decades ago she does not appreciate my interest in wearing women's clothing, but, also suggested I join a support group if I needed one.

[Krea]

Hi Judy,
Sorry to read that things are still difficult for you. I don't think your dressing urges will ever really go away, so i hope that with help you can find a compromise which will improve the situation.

Ok, your wife does not like your dressing, but to tell you that you can't do it at all is not showing any attempt on her part to compromise. It shouldn't be unreasonable for you to have some "Judy time", out of her sight, as long as it doesn't take over everything else.

Don't purge the rest of your stash! You will only regret it eventually.

Best wishes for progress,
Nic :)

[Sandy Storm]

Hey Judy,

Everybody here has given you great advice, and like everybody has stayed it make sure you find you a marriage counselor that deals with gender or sexuality type of relationship issues https://ncsfreedom.org/key-programs/kink-aware-professionals-59776. Me and my wife had to find a counselor years ago for other issues but by being swingers standard counselors would not work for us We found that website that helped us find one locally and she is the reason why my marriage works and is so great .. and also remember your first counselor you meet might not be the right fit for you and your spouse don't get discouraged if it takes a couple counselors do you find the right one that fits y'all

Good luck hon

[Kelly DeWinter]

Sandy;

I not sure sending the OP spouse to a web site that starts out with "Kink Awareness" is going to help. The main issue with most the over 30 generation is that relationships are seen as strictly Male/Female. Anyone over 30 has been brought up in a social culture that sees anything else as an aberration of the norm. It's OK to break norms in business and in sports but not the social status.

[Sandy Storm]

Sandy;

I not sure sending the OP spouse to a web site that starts out with "Kink Awareness" is going to help. The main issue with most the over 30 generation is that relationships are seen as strictly Male/Female. Anyone over 30 has been brought up in a social culture that sees anything else as an aberration of the norm. It's OK to break norms in business and in sports but not the social status.

Kellie, you are correct, I didn't make myself clear, they have a list of counselors that are are trained counselors for clients like us and can maybe help unlike a traditional Christian style counselor ...sorry for not making it clear thanks👰🏻

[Teresa]

Rhonda,
I was very much in Judy's situation, I still went ahead with counselling, without that backup I wouldn't have progressed to where I am now. OK it did nearly bring about a separation but then the real talking started and we came to a compromise.

To me Judy doesn't have a choice, her wife isn't going to accept it from her so where else does she turn ?

Laurana,
Judy isn't being given any latitude at all, her wife doesn't understand CDing or it's needs , there are two people in the partnership and Judy isn't equal she's being made an underdog. Judy like many of us is being forced into a deceitful and dishonest situation because she can't explain the facts and needs . Her wife is treating it like a habit you can kick not something that is locked in Judy's brain which will never go away .

[Joni T]

Maybe you should have been up front with her 35 years ago. Sure she's upset-you've been lying to her for 35 years by keeping a secret. She probably wonders what else you're keeping from her, and rightfully so. Sounds to me like you have a choice to make--keeping the marriage in tact or keeping your dressing in check. I'd choose number 1 at all costs but that's me. You have some homework to do and a couple of rough decisions. There is no third answer to your situation-sorry.
Jon

[Rachelakld]

Maybe if you explain you need a distraction, like a morgage your house to buy a 1/2 built boat that you can rebuild, maybe take up gambling, drinking until your always drunk is also a distraction.
For me, giving up CDing would make me stressed, then grumpy (ask my wife or kids), then I become nasty which will break any relationship - so I CD instead of all those bad things.

If she has ben reading all the bad stuff (my ex is now adiment on the "Flat Earth" because that's what she read up on), maybe my web site would be more appropriate?

[Fiona123]

Judy we are similar ages. I should have told my wife at the beginning. In my own defense I did not realize what it means to be transgender until a few years ago. I did come out to my spouse eventually. We have an uneasy dadt truce right now. If she presented me with an ultimatum I would move out. That's frightening to contemplate but I know I will never stop dressing.

[Lisa85]

Now, I don't think it's just about dressing. There are more winds blowing in your relationship. Be cautious if go to counseling. a few are good, most are ok and a lot harm more than they help. Get referrals and check up with them.

[phili]

Show her this article
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm
It explains the secretiveness and the origin of the needs- it helps to take things out of shameful sexual secret and into wow- I didn't know about this.

[jennifer0918]

Dear SO,
When life hands you lemons,learn to make lemonade.

A tree that grows crooked, will never grow straight.

Like with crossdressing we can not stop, it's not like catching a cold,take 2 of these and call me in the morning. Or chicken soup will not cure us. What is the alternative if you dress?what is the bad outcome? What is bad for her? In bungee jumping, the hardest part is letting go.

[Judy-Somthing]

Well my son has moved back for the summer so even if I wanted to sneak it would be hard to find a time to do it.

My wife doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants it gone.
She also said cross-dressing is a choice, it's not something your born with!

[StephanieJ]

Hi Judy,

As usual Kristyn is right on the money... TALK TO HER ABOUT IT!

I love the idea of therapy, but be wary of any therapist who wants to "cure" you, also known as repatriate therapy. It's considered unethical and is actually illegal in many states. Having said that, you owe your wife the courtesy of complete honesty!!! I would probably suggest a cooling off period where no decisions are made until you have a thorough discussion about what this part of you means to you both. Preferably under the guidance of a good counselor. Many a spouse has said they "can't" be part of it only to eventually realize that you are still the person she fell in love with. To make it work, you'll both probably have to give some things up, but isn't that what marriage is all about?

Last of all, you mention dressing as being a "temptation" but depending on where you fall on the gender spectrum it may be much more than that. Being transgender is not something you are "tempted" to do. This is something very different, this is part of who you are! Unlike a temptation to take drugs or have illicit sex (something you want to DO), this is an inseparable part of who you ARE. You can pretend it doesn't exist for as long as you want but eventually there will be a coming out and sometimes the hardest person to come out to is yourself.

Blessings to you and your wife as you navigate this difficult period.
Steph James

[Tina_gm]

I'm going to forgo all of the usual you are what you are stuff. It's really not a matter of who you are, well it is internally, but for you Judy, what can YOU or can YOU not do??? What means more, which is harder in the end to live without, CAN you live without?

You've been sneaking it for how many years? This is where I think sometimes people on these boards can push others into situations, not by bad intentions, but of the belief we should be out and proud.

That isn't always going to work after more than 3 decades of concealment. In fact it rarely works after so long. The fact that you've been married for that long means your wife was brought up to believe that it is of vCard the worst abomination, perversion, mental illness etc etc etc.

And she wrongly believes it's all a choice, or is your wife actually wrong?

When we shut down, though we wish not to, we are in a way proving her to be correct. You did choose and have for months now not to dress, so it's not NEEDED like say air, or water. It's not about can we live without it, can we choose not to dress. You've already proven to her you can choose not to. You just can't choose to not to want to.

Where am I going with this? Be your own guide of what you want to do. How hard have the last few months been? How do you see the next however long with your son now living with you?

NOTHING is a wrong answer. Laying it down and saying to your wife I'm not going to quit, you don't have to have any part of it whatsoever, and if that's unnaceptable still, then buh-bye.

Or, just truly just end all the dressing for good and live the rest of your days with her. Most here would say that's wrong, but I don't feel that way. It's all about what's right or wrong for you.

Your wife DOES have the right to not be with a crossdresser. If it's her deal breaker, and she has her rights as to what her deal breaker is just as you do, then so be it.

As for many of us, and we've beat the horse to death as to why, our urges and perhaps needs to CD often increase as we get older (think Caitlyn) who was,able to at one point in her life live as a buffed out Olympic champion, but then could no longer live as a man at all.... And she's now divorced. She needed transition more then her marriage. Some of us do need this , some don't.

Just do whatever is right FOR YOU.

[Tracii G]

For better or worse in sickness and in health I guess doesn't mean anything to her.
To me she is violating their marriage agreement.
It would be like Judy's wife getting horrible acne or going bald and Judy saying mean things or I don't love you because of your acne.
She is a mean spiteful unwavering woman that wants it her way and her husbands need and wants don't mean squat.
Freaking sad really and if it were me I would have filed papers long ago.

[Rogina B]

I am with Tracii. Until you choose,she has no idea of the strength of the draw toward your feminine side.

[jessica33]

[QUOTE=Judy-Somthing;4108481]Well my son has moved back for the summer so even if I wanted to sneak it would be hard to find a time to do it.

My wife doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants it gone.
She also said cross-dressing is a choice, it's not something your born with![/QUOT
Cross-dressing is a choice ? who in the right mind would do this when society looked down on this type of behaviour . You get dirty looks , people think you are gay or worst , sometimes get humiliated in the public . It is not by choice . Its in our gens and there is nothing we can do about it .

[Rogina B]

[QUOTE
Cross-dressing is a choice ? who in the right mind would do this when society looked down on this type of behaviour . You get dirty looks , people think you are gay or worst , sometimes get humiliated in the public . It is not by choice .[/QUOTE]

I think you are mixing up "cross dresser" and "transgender person". A transgender person has a need for gender expression no matter what the outcome. And,if you are worried about how a person is perceived you can rest assured that most of the time all is well.

[BrendaPDX]

Yikes, don't make agreements you you can't keep. Trust is a very hard thing to win back. Yes, keeping half of your stash is a temptation and breaking your agreement. Like the others, seek professional help first, and show her this site. For what it's worth from a closet crossdresser. Brenda

[Amy Fakley]

My wife doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants it gone.
She also said cross-dressing is a choice, it's not something your born with!

Well, then case closed! All these years, and I never realized all I had to do was to choose not to be this way. My god, how could I have missed such an obvious solution! Truly this woman is a genius!

:brolleyes:

35 years of marriage is an enormous commitment on both your parts. Y'all are sitting on top of a landmine. You know as well as I do that this isn't going away, and that this situation where you try to drown it all in shame and suppress everything, and just pretend to be the person she thought you were all along is not maintainable long term.

This will wear on you, it will wear your realtionship down. You will resent it. She will resent it, and it'll blow up right on time like ol' faithful.

Seek professional couples counseling that can be viewed as neutral territory for the both of you. The counselor should know about trans issues, but not necessarily be a gender counselor. Nor should the counselor be a pastor.

[Aunt Kelly]

Well my son has moved back for the summer so even if I wanted to sneak it would be hard to find a time to do it.

My wife doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants it gone.
She also said cross-dressing is a choice, it's not something your born with!

And of course, she is wrong. We all know this. If she is so inclined, she could learn how wrong she is. You know far better than anyone, Judy, if she is so inclined. If you don't, find out. Your relationship is worth that much, at least. If she is willing to learn and accept the truth about your TG nature, there is hope. You may not end up in an ideal situation, but there are lots of stories here where some reasonable accomodation is made between partners once they understand the issues.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Teresa]

Judy,
Reading these last few replies, brings me back to the question some threads ago, do you know what your CDing means to you ? How much do you accept and how much are you trying to deny in order to appease your wife ?

We all know her statement is wrong if she is talking about TGs/TSs, so do you have a problem from birth or is it really a hobby you can put down ?

I don't feel you are being straight with us, all you keep telling us is she is trying her hardest to force you to stop, and you are complying with her but keep complaining to us .

[Tracii G]

Judy's wife is unwilling to listen or compromise her stance.
How does she justify the statement that CDing is a choice? Who made her the expert in the subject?
Judy has to suffer with her issues all alone because her wife doesn't care.
I think both need some gender therapy sessions and marriage counseling.

[Tina_gm]

I often wonder why on tgis board the d word is looked at as such a travesty. Half of all marriages end up failing for one reason or another. People generally survive divorce and more often than not end up in a better place.

Here though, it's avoided like the plague. If Judy's wife is so uncompromising then maybe its time for just to set herself free of that.

It really does come down to what's the better option for Judy. Or what she can or cannot do in terms of quitting.

One thing though Judy and many others do though us set themselves up by decades of deception, lies, hiding.... And giving it up for their partner. Which only reinforces the notion that it's a choice because the actual dressing truly is. How someone feels internally isn't, we all know that. Most of us the desire or need is too great to overcome, but my gosh how many tell of the many months or years without dressing. Happy years, probably not, but non dressing for years nonetheless.

Such a great case for not doing the secretive stuff for so long. For going through all of the abstaining, only to one day fail anyway, years of little or no expression, peace and harmony wasted and we only end up at the spot we tortured ourselves for decades not to be.

When it all eventually blows up, how much worse is not dressing in peace then of the war like dark cloud of the home life? That really is the question each of us need to answer for ourselves.

Personally what I would likely do, and I say likely because I'm not 100% certain, but is likely give my wife an ultimatum of I'm done being at war and torment within myself. I would let her know that I would engage in a true dadt agreement, but would not give it up entirely. That's still a tremendous amount of compromise, and if that was not good enough it really does become time to head for the exit of the marriage.

[Tracii G]

GM I think the D word is feared because the man usually gets the shaft in a divorce case no matter what.

[Teresa]

Gendermutt,
The D word doesn't have to happen, I nearly separated but divorce was never mentioned, not because we were afraid to use it but living apart was considered the best for both our happiness .

I still don't accept the concept of setting ourselves up for anything, if we were born with the trait it's not any ones fault so why should we be made to feel guilty about it, our loved ones should by rights understand and support us not put us through the DADT pain .

I've told my wife the truth , in fact I've written it all down , she chose not to read it all , it wasn't meant as an ultimatum , it just stated the facts and the truth of where I am with my CDing.

Tracii,
Maybe I was being slightly naive but my wife began to work out ways of supporting me if we did separate . I'm not sure if it was for genuine reasons to finally say she understood my motives for doing it or it was still a way of controlling me !

[MelanieAnne]

If she catches you lying to her again I'm fairly confident she will kick you out.

If the house is jointly owned, do not under any circumstances leave! She cannot "kick you out", despite what she may think! If you leave, regardless of the reasons, she is holding all the cards because you deserted her, in legal terms. Sorry to be negative, but I don't see any happy endings here. 35 years is a long time, and you have a lot invested in the marriage. But from your posts, she seems to be "my way or the highway". Your choices are to knuckle under to her demands to stop dressing and live with the stress and frustration for years to come, and an early heart attack from the stress, or make your plans to start a new life without her. There are no easy answers here.

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and insight.

Of course it's hard to know my situation from the little I write here, and ya it's my side of the story.

One reason I fell for my wife is she's a strong willed woman who knows what she wants.
She's been working hard to keep her man the way she want's me.
She a tuff one that doesn't take crap from anyone.

This Judy person is definitely part of my life I'm pretty sure I'll dress again, time will tell.

Maybe this will help me not dressing, I can play "Judy Paper Doll" LOL
278168

[Krea]

Hey, that's cool Judy - virtual CDing?
Best wishes to you, however you decide to go ahead.
Nic :)

[Jenny22]

I gather that the two of you are in your early 60s. If correct, you've got many years yet to live! In your post you stated, "She said things will never be the same between us......." If that is true, why should you both continue to suffer: You not CDing, and she always suspecting that you are? Divorce is a viable option for both of you to be happier in your future. Maybe a trial separation first, but with it legally drawn up so both are protected. Just a thought.

[MelanieAnne]

One reason I fell for my wife is she's a strong willed woman who knows what she wants.

What about your wants and needs? Marriage is supposed to be a two way street. Give and take, with consideration for each others needs, not just ones needs.

[Mirya]

if your crossdressing is an essential part of who you are, then you kept a critical secret from your wife for 35 years. That's not good. It's not just about the dressing at this point, it's about trust. She can't trust you anymore because you went behind her back for all these years.

Somehow, that trust between the two of you needs to be restored. I agree with the others that recommended counseling.

[kimdl93]

I'm still somewhat befuddled by the extreme attitudes our culture has instilled in us. I'm even more befuddled but the insistence that we "chose" to be. No where in my 64 years of existence, has choice been a part of defining myself.

[phili]

As our President is fond of saying, everything is a negotiation. Her ultimatum is a negotiation, and you can use good negotiation technique in response. Don't argue about the apparent fixed position, broaden the subject and make lots of little connections that join you in good feelings. This can work really well in tough situations where emotions tend to run high.

She may just not yet be able to imagine a future in which you crossdress and everyone knows or at least someone might find out. That is my wife's fear. She just shuts down because of it, but I stay relaxed and positive and life goes on.

It might well be more like that for your wife than willingness to throw away a lifetime relationship so casually. She may also have a bunch of unmet needs and resents you having your way when she doesn't get her wishes.

[Gillian Gigs]

Judy's quote, "One reason I fell for my wife is she's a strong willed woman who knows what she wants.
She's been working hard to keep her man the way she want's me.
She a tuff one that doesn't take crap from anyone."

Sounds like she is used to getting her own way! Either she continues to get her way, or you negotiate an agreement. Sounds like an up hill battle all around. As the joke goes, " I always get in the last word in an argument...yes Dear"! You have some hard choices to make, I don't envy you.

[Jodi]

Judy, I continually got the same crap from my wife for years with the divorce threats. I finally told her to not let the door hit her on the back side on the way out.

I have been divorced now for 17 years after 33 years of marriage--do the math. This would have been year 50.

Not only have I survived, I have thrived. We are both happier today.

If you are content to stay in a miserable relationship with her calling every shot, that is your choice But there are other options.

jodi

[KrissyCD]

Hello I too feel like I am in the same boat. My wife just found out about my Crossdressing. Yes I was so embarrassed as I kept it from her as I was embarrassed. But when she found some photos of me I was somewhat glad to come out to her. Yes she is not happy and I understand the part about hiding it from her. We are going to start to see someone this week as I do love her but I do love being Krissy as well.

The biggest obstacle I have is she has been getting very involved in church (baptist) and I think she feels this is sinning. I hope everything work out for you.

[Tina_gm]

GM I think the D word is feared because the man usually gets the shaft in a divorce case no matter what.
Typically yes, but yet many cis gendered men readily seek divorce. I am just noting this as something I see here. Not sure why?? but those on here seem to be more afraid or at least definitely keeping away from the D word even though, unless adultery by the wife in which case the member here might be more inclined to divorce. But many divorces happen due to other reasons. A lot of times people just end up hating each other. I see so much stress here from members who feel their lives are so compromised beyond a point in which they feel they can be happy. That would normally be a pretty good recipe for divorce, but not so much here.

- - - Updated - - -


I still don't accept the concept of setting ourselves up for anything, if we were born with the trait it's not any ones fault so why should we be made to feel guilty about it, our loved ones should by rights understand and support us not put us through the DADT pain .

Teresa, by setting ourselves up I mean that we hide, lie, deceive, purge, quit. for months, years, maybe decades. Then... we say but this is how I am, it's not a choice. But in fact what we do about it very much is, and we provided the proof. Of course they are going to feel it is a choice when we do these things. Then through convos they learned we were just lying about it, hiding it, denying it, going without it for however so long. So how else would anyone logically think, if you went without it before, and supposedly never even thought about it, you can do it again. Or, addressing the we just went into hiding, lying deceiving denial stuff. Or wished to but never did, even though we might not have spoken about it. "Oh, so you appeared to be happy without but in reality you were miserable this whole time?"

This is what I mean about setting ourselves up. Of course I know as do most others, you among them is we had an ah-ha moment, or maybe a slow realization of it's a real part of me, not something we can flush out though we thought we could, or did. That doesn't do them any good though, does it. Is it their fault we didn't know who we ourselves were? No, it isn't.

Ultimately it is our own choice with this DADT thing that you despise so much. Apparently not enough to divorce though. Divorce is still for you a worse option. And, that's fine. But for you and any others, you and them would just accept that. DADT is not a good option, but a better alternative than divorce, so make the best of it and go on about life.

[Stephanie47]

.
One reason I fell for my wife is she's a strong willed woman who knows what she wants.
She's been working hard to keep her man the way she want's me.
She a tuff one that doesn't take crap from anyone.

278168

When I read this I thought to myself Judy's future is hopeless. As we age some of the attributes a person had as a young person loses significance. We lose superficial beauty..weight gain...hair loss...greying of the hair...pot bellies...sagging breasts. Social and financial status become more important. Length of a surviving marriage. Status in church. I suspect Judy's wife may be terrified of losing some or all of these things. It's bad enough not to be able to retire as a couple with insufficient income and security. With divorce it is usually the wife who gets the financial short end of the stick.

I wonder if Judy said one day that the dresses are packed in the bag and are being shipped to a new address where she will await their arrival. Oh, sure she may scream and yell she found out her husband wore dresses. Sit on the pity pot. Judy has knowledge she did not have before. It was not acted upon supposedly for years since Judy says she knew before marriage but passed it off a a joke. Joke's on her! So, really! What the big deal now? Judy's does not seem to want to sit around at night and watch television with her while wearing a wedding dress or lingerie. Maybe Judy's wife should just pretend she has no knowledge about Judy wearing dresses. It's called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" It works well for many of us.

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
In Judy's case it works until she makes the next slip up then all hell will break lose, you know it and now we all do !!

Gendermutt,
To be totally truthful the best option was missed 43 years ago but we only see these things in hindsight . I don't regret marriage and kids and all the hard work but there does come a point when most guys hang up their work gloves and put their feet up ,the difference for me and many others here is they have another side which they become more desperate to reveal, is it fair on us either ? What is so bad and wrong about having a femme side ? My wife is comfortable with the home and family I've helped provide, she has the grandchildren she always wanted and I take an active and enjoyable part in that .

I may be more down the transition road than I thought, I realise this by reading some of the replies . I do want an end to DADT and all the associated hiding and deceit that goes with it. Only today while my wife is working this morning I have to wash my female items and get them dried before she gets back, can you call that rational behaviour ? I have to accept that Teresa exists and does have a life to live, and now I know that life is as enjoyable or more so than my male life . Is it right someone else has the right to deny that ? I know I only have a limited time to let it happen, DADT or not it is going to happen .

[Rachel05]

wow that is a tough ultimatum and you have my sympathy on that one.

As a nearly life long cross dresser since I was 8yo, I simply can't imagine not being able to dress, but over the years, mainly the teenage ones when I was confused about me and my dressing, I have done the purging and got rid of my things beyond retrieval and felt good for maybe an hour or two and then the reality would hit me and the sadness and need would kick in

I always, always found a way back, no matter what, the need to dress was greater than anything else and stash gone or not, i am sure you will find a way also

Whatever you do it is going to be tough on you

I can honestly say that there is no amount of therapy, persuasion or whatever that would kill what is actually in integral part of me and an inbuilt need, we are what we are

I will be thinking about you that is for sure and good luck Judy

[Judy-Somthing]

I asked her what's so bad about dressing, she said it's a big turn off.
I should get her drunk,
Last year one night when she was drunk, we were getting ready for bed she said her pantyhose were so uncomfortable and couldn't wait to take them off.
Well I put them on in front of her and said I think they feel great.
We then had a wild time fooling around, you know!

Well I guess she drank to much because the next day she didn't remember us fooling around with me wearing her pantyhose.
Maybe I can use some reverse psychology on her.

[Joan58]

Judy,,Alcohol and sex have gone hand in hand forever.Proven for over 30 years with my wife.Inhibitions be gone.

[sometimes_miss]

Just the same "professional help" is not a bad idea. If there is ever going to be a better understanding on her part, you're going to need the credibility of an expert in your corner. And by expert I mean someone with training and experience in dealing with gender identity issues, not a "marriage counselor", generic counselor, or clergy.
There are therapists that deal with marriage counseling as well as TG issues. Over the past 15 years, it's gradually become more and more of a problem for the mental health community. E.R.'s are seeing more TG patients in crisis, so the psych teams have to deal with it a whole lot more than they used to. While it's still a specialty area, there are more therapists that understand that it's not something that they can ignore any longer, nor something that their patients can simply stop doing or feeling. So we're making advances, finally.

[Tina_gm]

Stephanie,
In Judy's case it works until she makes the next slip up then all hell will break lose, you know it and now we all do !!

Gendermutt,
To be totally truthful the best option was missed 43 years ago but we only see these things in hindsight . I don't regret marriage and kids and all the hard work but there does come a point when most guys hang up their work gloves and put their feet up ,the difference for me and many others here is they have another side which they become more desperate to reveal, is it fair on us either ? What is so bad and wrong about having a femme side ? My wife is comfortable with the home and family I've helped provide, she has the grandchildren she always wanted and I take an active and enjoyable part in that .

I may be more down the transition road than I thought, I realise this by reading some of the replies . I do want an end to DADT and all the associated hiding and deceit that goes with it. Only today while my wife is working this morning I have to wash my female items and get them dried before she gets back, can you call that rational behaviour ? I have to accept that Teresa exists and does have a life to live, and now I know that life is as enjoyable or more so than my male life . Is it right someone else has the right to deny that ? I know I only have a limited time to let it happen, DADT or not it is going to happen .
She denies you rights because you allow her to. You keep saying the phrase have to. Have to because the consequence of doing what you want is separation, I get that. At the same time though, you are forcing her, or would into a lifestyle she cannot handle. There are those women who do not have a problem with it, but they are more the exception than the rule. It isn't about them trying harder. They for whatever reason don't need the masculinity to be present at all times, or maybe even any of the time. Most however do.

You keep banging up on this impasse, and I just don't ever see that changing. You can't base this off those who for whatever reason are the exception. You can't base this off any will or lack thereof on their part. As much as you need to have Teresa being a central part of your existence, your wife needs a husband who is 100% in the M section of gender. There is nothing wrong with what you need. Nothing wrong with who you are. No, you shouldn't be forced to hide or compromise so much of yourself. But, the same goes for her from you. As much as you feel controlled and unable to freely be who you are, your wife would feel equally so if you were to be who you are and do whatever it is and appear however you wish to. It's simply not a relationship she can ever feel comfortable in. Most can't. It's just how most people are wired.

[MelanieAnne]

I asked her what's so bad about dressing, she said it's a big turn off.

That is understandable. You would be turned off by a wife with a mans haircut, hairy armpits and legs, and dressing mostly in men clothes.
Many of the problems I read here involve CDers who want to dress in front of their wife and kids, and run around the house in a dress and heels. In many cases, a wife or SO might agree to a DADT situation, if she doesn't have to see it. Half a loaf, is better than no loaf!

[Kelly DeWinter]

Melanie has a good point, too many times we don't try to see it from the other point of view.

[ChristinaK]

Hi Judy,

Pretty similar situations for sure. I told my wife I cannot purge. I don't want to lie anymore. We're just going to have to work something out and I hope you and your wife will too.

Sounds like neither of us are going to be satisfied with purging. I know me and I've been like this my entire life and it has gotten much stronger with age and the time and place to go out. I don't think I could keep a promise to not go out either. Going out is very fulfilling to me now and acceptance by people validates my feminine side.

My wife is also very controlling. But, she needs to understand that me stopping is akin to me cutting off an arm to please her. It just doesn't make sense.

She is also a devout Christian and feels it's against the bible. My therapist is also Christian and she made the point that God made me the way He wanted to. Accept it, period.

I made the point to her as well that NOBODY wants to be like us, we just are. Who would want the extreme issues we bring upon ourselves? So therefore, it is who we are and we can't just change. For me, especially as I've gone so far down the road of being Christina. The cat's out of the bag. I'll never get her back in. We'll just have to compromise via negotiation in front of a counselor so it doesn't get out of hand.

Good luck with your wife, I know I need it with mine.

[Tina_gm]

That is understandable. You would be turned off by a wife with a mans haircut, hairy armpits and legs, and dressing mostly in men clothes.
Many of the problems I read here involve CDers who want to dress in front of their wife and kids, and run around the house in a dress and heels. In many cases, a wife or SO might agree to a DADT situation, if she doesn't have to see it. Half a loaf, is better than no loaf!
The half loaf is sort of the way I see it. It isn't a perfect solution, but still better than the previous circumstance of hiding and lies and all that fun stuff. I think for some of us, we are banging up against a brick wall. Too many years have gone by, our partners grew up in a world of non acceptance, and we never showed them anything to be accepting of. And now after ALL these years we throw the ultimate knuckleball at them. I am pretty much certain that had I told my now wife early on had she continued to date me, and then later marry me, her issues of it all would be no where near what they are and have been. Now, she may not have married me because of it, there's a good possibility of this too, but, if she did, the trust, the awkward uncomfortable nature of it all would be non existent. What so many here don't seem to be grasping is not that we dress, or are feminine and whatever else, but that we brought about this, or made a serious sharp turn on this long after the vows. The way I see it, WE who did this need to give our partners a lot of leeway on this.

It's something else entirely if we told them early on and then after the vows they then said no more, or just started to have real serious issues with it, not that that hasn't happened, but it was WE who changed the circumstance completely one sided. They had no control whatsoever on the change of direction their marriage or relationship took. That is a biggie folks, and cannot be stressed enough.

[MelanieAnne]

I know me and I've been like this my entire life and it has gotten much stronger with age and the time and place to go out.

Interesting point and probably a subject for a new thread. It has gotten stronger for me also. When I was younger, I forgot all about CDing for long periods and was chasing girls.