looking for advice

[Interstellar]

Hi
I originally posted this under the introductions forum, which as someone said probably should have gone here. Apologies if you have already read, and also if this goes over a well worn discussion....

I'm really trying to understand what I've been feeling recently and hope that some in this community can relate to it.
I'm middle aged man. With a wife.
When I was a teenager I had some limited cross dressing. Wore mums pantyhose and to be honest scared myself how much of a thrill I had. But put it to one side.

Recently though I was burning with the idea of wearing women's clothes again. I couldn't get it out of my head. So I have done - with tights and skirt and I feel really good when I wear them. I couldn't hardly sleep for days with this constant sensation that I was waking up to something that has always been a part of me. I get these butterfly feeling thinking that there is a woman part of me.

But while I feel like there is a woman part to me, equally I'm comfortable being a man. And just being me.
The closest I can find is that I may be non binary. But it seems so hard to express or really know my own mind. It feels quite a shock at my age to be exploring this.

Some of the burning rage to pursue it has calmed a bit as well. It's not a constant. Then I think am I just imaging this, but it's some imagination to keep me awake for nights on end. But its constantly on my mind now. I feel like i'm going a bit crazy.
Has anyone had similar experience or thoughts?

[Pat]

It is kind of a common story around here. ;) I don't say that to diminish your experience but more in the hope that finding that you're not the only one might be some comfort for you. Everyone handles it differently in accordance with their own individuality. The best choice, at this point, is to read a lot of threads and see which ones resonate with you and which do not and keep in mind that things will change as you get more knowledge and experience. There is a non-binary forum on this site and that's a good place to look as well if you think that's your model. Welcome and good luck. :)

[LeannS]

Hi welcome to the forum
There is a lot of good reading material just waiting for you.
Lots of posts that might be what your feeling.
Question though have you told your wife about these feelings yet??

Leann

[CONSUELO]

What you are feeling is not uncommon. Look through the various posts here and you will soon be reassured that you are not alone.

[AlissaMurray]

I think you are trying really hard to label or define what is going on. I am here to tell you that is almost impossible to do. It just "is what it is" with all of us. We all have our reasons for who we are and our ideas about what may have helped us to get here but there is no one size fits all. Every one of us has a different story to tell and many of us parallel each other in many ways. If you read through the different threads you'll understand what I mean. We are all on our own little journeys here and you are always among understanding friends on this site. It is a wonderful place. Some of us have it all figured out and some of us are hopelessly lost. Some of us want it all and others are content with what ever we can get, as well as everything in between. I have been were you are. I too am middle aged or so with grand children and happily married as well as straight. I have become comfortable with my fem side and am now exploring it even further. I like skirts and nylons but my personal favorite is appearing to have breasts. Just 36B or C or so is plenty, I truly enjoy wearing a bra and as my wife and I live alone these days I am able to get away with it around the house. I like feeling girly and from the neck down I can about pull it off but I don't like what I see in the mirror as of yet, but I am working on it. A work in progress, that's me. Heck that is a lot of us here. Just have fun with it my friend and by all means - Read On

[Interstellar]

No. Our relationship isn't in the best place anyway. I'm not sure what this would do to it...

[Micki_Finn]

Yeah this isn't uncommon. Don't worry about what "category" or "box" you fit in. You could be a fetish dresser, you could be trans. You have plenty of time to figure it out. Your post didn't mention anything about an SO. If you are in a relationship, that's a whole other kettle of fish. If you're single, just have fun with it. Do what you enjoy, when you enjoy it. Take it a little at a time, keep up with reading these forums, and if you ever feel like you need more than that, find yourself a good therapist.

[Taylor186]

Could be just a fetish too, when I hear you say the "thrill of mom's pantyhose" and "could hardly sleep." No one around here likes to admit it but the fetish aspect is a big part of it for many of us.

[rhonda]

Welcome to the forum one thing for sure is after starting cd'ing , you're all in for good . all you have to figure out how far your gonna go with it . everyone on this site is in the same boat rolling along hope you enjoy the ride

[Lana Mae]

Many here just like you! Read the posts of others! I am mostly male but there is a female part lurking inside! She screams to be out from time to time! Read about wives/SO also! There is a lot of knowledge and experience here! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

[Interstellar]

Could be just a fetish too, when I hear you say the "thrill of mom's pantyhose" and "could hardly sleep." No one around here likes to admit it but the fetish aspect is a big part of it for many of us.

Yes - the thrill part has changed to it being something that i feel nice about as well. Comfortable. But Im not sure where fetish ends and cross dressing beings. I guess its all a spectrum of feelings

[Beverley Sims]

The feelings you have seem quite normal, when you have other interests around you the urge will subside a little, when things are quiet again and you have nothing else occupying your mind it will all return with a sudden flourish until another interest comes along.

Lots of luck with your new experience. :-)

[jennifer0918]

Absolutely, calm down and crossdress. I have felt like that before, don't try to fight it just be you,nothing wrong with liking your male side. If you like stay in the closet dress when you have time but this will never go way,I have been CDing since I was 8 or 9 years old, stop for a few years ,purge but some how the pink fog finds me .

[Bobbi46]

It will never go away that's the big thing of all of us, it is something deep seated, a way of life not to be treated lightly but to to enjoy it for what it brings you, for some it is easier to live the life, others it is a closeted way of life but for all of us it is a way of life.
Don't try to fight it off because it will all ways be there for you to be pleasured by.
Just enjoy, there are many here who can help with whatever you need to know, here is a beautiful corner of warmth and help.

[Fiona123]

Your feelings are very normal. Its hard to keep the desire to dress bottles up in my experience. If you have not done so already tell your wife and/or a therapist. Buy yourself a bra & panties. Its easy at Wal-Mart or target, or on line. Buy a dress at a charity shop. Dressing can be intensely sensual (you know that already) and at the same time very satisfying. Try to view crossdressing as a blessing not a problem. Be safe and take care of yourself.

[Tracii G]

Don't worry so much about what label you fall under just yet because it will change the more you learn about what makes you tick.

[TrishaLake]

This is the place for you, we have many different shapes and colors but we all have pieces of what you are talking about. Stay on here and post/read etc you will find some solace.

[faltenrock]

Does your partner know?

Don't worry too much and just let it go and find your pace. Most of us know exactly what you're talking about, we've made the same or similar experiences.
My wish to dress and go in public comes on a very regular basis, like every four to six weeks. After I went out dressed for a day and night out, usually that's enough for the next weeks and I enjoy the time very much.
Most of us feel good as a man, so do I. I would not want to be a woman.
But there are all colors to it. As a trans person, people wish to become a woman, but that is a minority, still many tough.

Good luck

[Becky Blue]

Sounds a lot like my story, after some occasional partial CDing from age 12 to 40. Literally overnight, i got overwhelming urges to dress thats when Becky emerged. That was 12 years ago now, still happy living the duality.

I wouldn't stress too much, enjoy your gift and see where she takes you.

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi Interstellar,

Your scenario is not dissimilar to mine.

I have taken from your post you are in the closet and your wife does not know which again mirrors mine.

This place has been great for me over the last few months with a lot of advice available from previous threads and new questions posed by me (even though they may have been asked many times before).

My advice? If you can call it that is that in the short time I have allowed the feelings for cross dressing to take their next natural steps i.e wig, make up etc etc (even tho in the closet) it has pushed me towards wanting to reveal this otherside to me to my wife.

Not only due to the guilt associated with having 'a secret' from her but on a more selfish basis (assuming it doesn't end our world) that I will be able to share this side with her, on her terms, and maybe get to do more than sneak around rushed while I have a window of opportunity.

I believe the more you indulge it the more angst you will have about where it will take you next. It's a double edged sword. Excitement and fulfillment Vs secrets and isolation.

I wish you luck with your journey, if you do intend to carry it on.

I can only say again that there is a lot of time, attention and general goodwill on here which will help you in many ways should you choose to use its resource.

MissS

[Interstellar]

No she doesn't know misss. Our relationship bit under stress as it is. Thanks for you words. I feel like I've opened Pandora' s box and the lid is not going back on.

[Dana44]

Interstellar, Sounds like you have a bit of dysphoria,. Look at all the threads here and it goes back years. Very interesting. You are not alone in this feeling.

[Interstellar]

Interstellar, Sounds like you have a bit of dysphoria,. Look at all the threads here and it goes back years. Very interesting. You are not alone in this feeling.

I think you may be right about the dysphoria. But this is really starting to scare me now. I also have looked at some of the threads about testosterone. I know that suddenly my testosterone has gone very high (after being low). I wonder if that has something to do with it all.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Please don't feel scared, it really isn't such a huge mystery - there are thousands of members of this forum, all over the world who relate perfectly to what you've been going through.

Your head is not going to explode.

You will get used to these feelings.

Nothing about it is illegal, or as far as we are concerned, immoral.

If you're feeling stressed, pull back - wait a few weeks - and reassess how you feel. Of course it's kind of a shock, but suddenly expressing a long-repressed part of you is bound to be unsettling. I have no idea whether or not fluctuating testosterone has affected you, perhaps others more qualified can comment.

Be happy- this isn't a bad thing, it's just an awakening of buried feelings.

[Aunt Kelly]

Hi, Interstellar.

Sorry that I missed your post earlier. I've been a bit busy these last few days...

First of all, let me add my "me too" to the thread. While the details differ for each of us, the basic framework of the story, and the emotions that go along with it, are strikingly similar.

And my advice is along the same lines as most of the previous posts as well. Relax and be yourself. As you have discovered, you will feel better when you do.

Don't worry about finding a label that fits. If you want someone to tell you what "box" you fit into under that transgender umbrella term, you might try "gender fluid". I think that fits better than "non-binary" for people like us. If you want an expert's opinion, by all means seek out a qualified counselor. You'll probably get a "box" for yourself, but the real benefit will be in gaining understanding and skills that will let you be more at peace with your rather unusual nature. Not that it's at all unusual around here. :) You don't sound to me like you have gender dysphoria. As I understand that term, it applies to those who feel a marked, even profound, conflict between their internal identity and there physical gender. There will be differences of opinion on this, so again, if you want an authoritative "diagnosis", seek out a qualified pro.

Meanwhile, welcome to the community, sweetie. You are so in the right place.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Interstellar]

Thank you Kelly. Everyone has said such nice things. It restores my faith in human nature!
I am feeling some raging conflict. it just won't calm down as I know people are saying I need to. I want to quietly accept and gently come into this. But it's more of a 24/7 rage. Which is really unsettling me. I had some counselling online and the phych has been lovely. But she has advised me now to see a doctor as some of this is physiological. Which I don't know where that takes me. It all seems to be happening so fast.

[BillieAnneJean]

Interstellar,
If you think CDing feelings have come on fast, wait until your SO goes from not knowing to a rage that makes "hell hath no fury" seem tame.

She might just find it funny or even like it, but that would be against the norm.

The best you can do is to make absolutely sure you keep this under wraps and get your goals and desires figured out ASAP. Because the odds of her discovering your little secret get less in your favor as time goes on.

And when she finds out on her own, she may very well take it that your secret is you lying to her. Or she may react like you are cheating on her. She may even take it as the final straw and chuck you out.

So get things under control, make absolutely sure she doesn't find out on her own, and get your head together.

While you are at it, fix what isn't right between you first. You may end up in a battle over the CDing. No sense in having a battle on more than one front Simplify. Fix the other stuff first

OR

Just tell her and have a major blow up and get it over.

BTW I have a Blog. Back in the early part of the blog I was where you are, sort of. I wrote about it to help CDers and their spouses. Take a look at it, specially the early posts, and see if there is something that you can use.

Good luck!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

This rage that you describe - can you describe it for us? What is the rage aimed at? Upbringing? Parents? Wasted years? Are you angry at yourself?

It would be helpful for us to understand where you're coming from, and perhaps helpful for you to write down clearly what it is you're feeling.

Rage is a symptom, not a cause. You need to become clear on the cause of the rage, in order to be able to begin to deal with it.

[kimdl93]

I have at times found myself preoccupied, perhaps even obsessed with the desire to dress. That obsession grew rather dramatically over a period of years, to the point where I was dressing full time at home, going out dressed to run errands, and occasionally going out to restaraunts, theatres and bars. My wife tolerated this expansion for almost 5 years and then it all exploded. I'm now divorced and alone, consciously trying to undo the long-standing desire and mindset. I know many of us object to representation of CDing as an addiction, but in terms of its manifestation and consequences, it seems that mine appears very much consistent with addictive behavior.

Now the disclaimer: Each of us is different, however, and my experience may have no relevance to you.

[Interstellar]

This rage that you describe - can you describe it for us? What is the rage aimed at? Upbringing? Parents? Wasted years? Are you angry at yourself?

It would be helpful for us to understand where you're coming from, and perhaps helpful for you to write down clearly what it is you're feeling.

Rage is a symptom, not a cause. You need to become clear on the cause of the rage, in order to be able to begin to deal with it.

Hi Nikki. I've been feeling what I can only describe as chemically or hormonally unbalanced. That's what made me start to search about testosterone. I've read that surplus testosterone can lead to be converted to estrogen which in certain male brains can flick on switches. I feel like I'm reaching a bit and I'm not sure how much I believe. But some of this has had physiological elements to it. Today I don't feel it though. Maybe I'm just going tiny bit crazy. Let's hope not!

- - - Updated - - -

Hey Kim. Sorry to hear that. I feel I'm far to new to this to offer much of an opinion. But I think many people feel compelled to do this. A compulsion is just a form of addiction. But if society had no norms you wouldn't feel bad about something you just want to do. I love going to watch football. You could call that a compulsion, but society doesn't see that as taboo and therefore I don't feel conflicted about it. You should do what you want to do.

[Pat]

I love going to watch football. You could call that a compulsion, but society doesn't see that as taboo and therefore I don't feel conflicted about it.

Probably not compulsion. If you spent your rent money on buying football tickets, that would be compulsion and society would regard that as inappropriate behavior.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Interstellar: So you think it may be more a case of raging hormones than rage in the sense of anger? That's a very interesting take on it, and one that could be pursued more in medical terms than psychological. Have you considered having tests to try and find out more?

[sometimes_miss]

I get these butterfly feeling thinking that there is a woman part of me.
Far too many of us feel the need to distance ourselves from what are female feelings. It's not just a part of you; it IS you. Growing up in our society, we are told even as soon as we are self aware, that we are MEN, and that being feminine in any way is absolutely the worst possible thing we can be. So it's no surprise that we have such trouble reconciling and accepting that we aren't 'all masculine, all the time'. It simply isn't easy to accept.

But it's necessary, in order to further understand what's going on inside us. EVen if you don't express it to others (which I don't, either, because I don't need the conflicts that it invites), until you can accept these feelings as your own, and not just a part of you, you're still going to stay confused.
As you crossdressed as a teen, obviously there was a need for you do to it. Why, we don't know; that's something that varies among us, for some, it was genetic, others, hormonal, others, conditioning. But whatever it was, you managed to subconsciously repress for years, until something allowed that feeling to come through once again. Only by carefully examining everything in your past will you (hopefully) figure it out. BTW, it took me DECADES to do that, so sometimes it's a life long struggle to learn about ourselves.

[Lacey New]

My story is not quite the same. I started experimenting with mother and sisters panties as a teen and of course found it exciting. It was not until college when I "acquired" my own pair of panties and pantyhose. Again, it was more exciting. But along with it was the nagging question as to whether or not i was really a crossdresser. Eventually, living on my own, I acquired a stash, purged when I got married and then thought I was cured. Nevertheless, the urge came back and I guiltily acquired more lingerie in secret. Fast forward a number of purges and years until I found this site. I guess I have come to the conclusion that yes, I am a crossdresser. Even though my dressing is in secret and much more limited that many of those on this forum. But the enjoyment of wearing women's clothing has not gone away after many years, so yes, I think I belong here. To that extent, sounds like you are a welcome member of the club too, so join in and have fun.

Lacey

[Interstellar]

Thanks Lexi. i agree with everything you've said. I can really identify with the fact I've always had a very broad spectrum of feelings, emotions and even intellectual abilities. So I'm very accepting of the idea that this is me.

What has been hard for me is just the force of how this took hold. But I think I'm calming down a bit now :-).

[NicoleScott]

Could be just a fetish too, when I hear you say the "thrill of mom's pantyhose" and "could hardly sleep." No one around here likes to admit it but the fetish aspect is a big part of it for many of us.

This happens a lot here. Members post looking for advice but use vague terms to describe their dressing and their reaction to it. A thrill may be an emotional thrill, a sexual thrill, or even a taboo thrill (getting a thrill from doing something considered taboo). Forum rules don't allow for explicit sexual content, but being too vague doesn't help getting the advice sought. Since most of us here don't use our real names and guy-mode images, what's the harm in saying there's a sexual aspect to crossdressing if there is one?

[Samantha uk]

OMG this could be me writing this. My experience has been exactly the same. It really started to kick in when I turned 40, that was nearly 5 years ago. Its been as big a shock to me as it was to my wife, a real rollercoaster, and I have had a lot of turmoil about it but we are slowly getting there now. For me the big thing has been getting it sorted in my own head, I still have a long way to go but I definitely feel much more comfortable with it now than I did 5 years ago.

You kid yourself its not a big deal when you mess around at the edges but as soon as you explore deeper the turmoil begins. If you think it would help to chat please feel free to PM me, theres a lot you will have to work through but talking is definitely the best medicine. Good luck to you, I feel your pain x

[Interstellar]

OMG

. If you think it would help to chat please feel free to PM me, theres a lot you will have to work through but talking is definitely the best medicine. Good luck to you, I feel your pain x

Hi Samantha. I'd really like to PM you - but I'm not sure how. I'm in the UK too. I had to tell my wife some of whats been going on because I am having days where I feel like im on a wave that I cant control. And like I just have to be in a womans body. And then somehow the wave meets the beach and gently breaks. And then I doubt my sanity. Actually i dont doubt my sanity but I doubt my feelings and whether I'm just living a fantasy. Only for the wave to start again a day or so later. But I'd love to talk. How do you PM - surely it cant be that hard?

[Hollibelle]

Hello Everyone,

Interstellar...I amin a very similar situation. Started the same way. I too am in my mid 40s and have been married for almost 20 years. There may have been a pair of hose here and there along the way. Howver due to the sudden death of my father and discvering some things about him caused me to reflect on the past which I think triggered my renewed desires.

[Mickitv]

I always thought that labels were for soup cans. Don't worry about it. Do what you enjoy. If you don't feel comfortable don't do it. It really is that simple or at least to me.