I'm CD and my wife hates it.

[Traci H]

I did not wish to say anything on Judy-Something's thread and distract anyone. I've always admired Judy for her flare and style, so I started my own thread. It seems some of our experiences are similar of course.

I have been dancing with my CD issues for much of my life ie 40 years of marriage. Of course I had no idea when I got married that any of this would impact my wife or life. At some point she found out and did not like it one bit. I purged a couple of times and it always came back. This last time I just stored the stuff and tried to keep it at bay for almost 10 years. The pink fog would get me once and a while however. I actually had some trouble with depression and guilt when I CD'd as well. This past year, the fog rolled in heavy and I have pretty much accepted myself and am at peace with it. I do enjoy the CD experience although I don't dress much or get a chance to go out. My wife thwarts most attempts to dress.

My wife hates the whole thing. She does not want to compete or live with another woman. She wants a man. She has thrown the D word out there in the past, but I don't think she really meant it. This came to a head the other day when I had to pull all the stuff I had spread among my closet and drawers as my daughter was going to stay in our house while we were gone. My wife said she could not handle it any longer. That I was devoting too much energy into it, and she could not have sex with a man that dressed as a woman. (I do not or would not dress during such, but rather the fact that I do it) I asked about a compromise and she shot that down.

Well, that bummed me out and the next day I was pretty much in a funk. My life was caught between a rock and a hard spot. I really didn't know what to say or think at this point finally near the end of the day, she said that she could live with the underwear (panties) but that was it. I felt a little better and hold out some hope now. She does want to see a therapist and I hold out hope for that as well.

She did say that she feels so very alone. She cannot talk to anyone about this. She did speak with some counselor through her insurance program and they told he she was very brave for putting up with this, etc. Not sure of this qualifications of this counselor. So now I think I need to find a qualified therapist that we can both agree on. This could be a challenge. I want to push this as I want to save our marriage and head into retirement in a good place for both of us.

Tips on find a good therapist would be appreciated.

PS I did see one about 6 months ago. She was pretty much fine with me and thought I should just do more stuff with my wife. My wife found that foolish and thought I wasted my money on such. I am not sure that returning to her would be worthwhile. She felt that she could not bill my insurance as there really was not an issue with me. I just paid her cash for the appointment. She needed an issue to solve. Perhaps if we both went that might work, but I fear my wife has already written her off.

Sorry for the ramble.

Traci

[ChristinaK]

Wow Traci, sounds like my life!

My wife thinks my therapist enables me. Which she does because I'm somewhere on the TG scale and says that's perfectly fine. The problem is my wife's, not mine. She refuses to get info or try to understand. I've been like this my entire life and I like me.

So, my clothes hang in the closet, which she hates. She let's me wear ladies PJ's every night and panties, even during sex. But, other than that, we have a DADT situation. She says she's not going to leave me because of it, but it makes her miserable. Again, that's not my problem, it's hers.

I really have no advice for you as I'm pretty much in the same boat. Hope she comes around. I do know one thing, purging won't make you feel better.

[phili]

I'm in the same boat- and we are seeing a therapist together who is sympathetic to both of us, which relieves some of the tension. That said, he is not a specialist, like Ann Vitale- who wrote this article:
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm - a really thorough review by the kind of therapist we all need to find. She is in San Rafael CA, near SF, and
Here is an article from 6 yrs ago on our issue and the challenges we are familiar with. She would be perceived as 'on our side' - but at least she is experienced with explaining to wives.
http://www.avitale.com/cdcouples.htm

The desire to CD arises from a physiological mistracking of hormones when an embryo, and a frequent one, so that one might as well see it as natural, and be sympathetic. Requires explaining to people, like Tourette syndrome, but eventually people have to see and accept that it is not a shameful perversion.

[Joni T]

Sounds like you have only 2 choices here. You have to decide which is more important you: a 40 year marriage, or dressing. I think it's a no brainer, and I don't mean to sacrifice it all for some dress up time. Dressing CAN be over come. I've done it. It a matter of will power, just like smoking or drinking. You can quit IF you want to. Find another hobby to occupy your spare time.
Jon

[Teresa]

Traci,
I've been a little outspoken on Judy's threads simple because I can see so many similarities with my own situation.

I came out to my wife about twenty years ago, I cried like I'd I never had before or since, it was like a millstone being lifted of my shoulders, the DADT wall went up after about two weeks , I felt so close to my wife but sadly the feelings weren't returned and I spiraled down to a point where I nearly ended my life. This is why I hate to see similar situations in others , do our wives really want push us to those desperate levels ?
Wives have to realise that we haven't cheated on them, it's very hard to a man to come to terms and accept he was born with a female trait and he needs to satisfy an inner need to dress to show the world how he feels inside.

The therapist was wrong to say that to your wife, she should have been told that how you feel is partly natural and motly something not to worry about once you can fully understand it. My wife still tells me she only wants the man she married, the fact is she still has the same person, but I sometimes feel I would like the woman I married , she wasn't totally honest with me over certain aspects .

I keep telling Judy to take the threat seriously and seek professional help because her wife like mine won't believe what we tell them. When the chips were down and I finally made the situation clear that separation was probably the best solution for both of us, the real sensible adult talking started, it had to come that for us to evaluate our lives and consider everyone in the decision, we made a compromise. It may not be ideal and sometimes I get some harsh words but she knows I will walk rather than go down the road I nearly went down twenty years ago.

AS TGs we have rights as much as anyone, it's not going away , blackmail and threats are eventually counterproductive , my wife suffers more through DADT than I do now !

Joni,
Sorry it isn't a hobby, it's an insult to call it that when some of us go through a lifetime of dealing with it , I was born like it but I wasn't born with a cigarette or a glass in my hand !

[Aunt Kelly]

Sounds like you have only 2 choices here. You have to decide which is more important you: a 40 year marriage, or dressing. I think it's a no brainer, and I don't mean to sacrifice it all for some dress up time. Dressing CAN be over come. I've done it. It a matter of will power, just like smoking or drinking. You can quit IF you want to. Find another hobby to occupy your spare time.
Jon

Joni,
It is not accurate to make a blanket statement like, "Dressing can be overcome..." For many, that is patently false. Your assertion, that the inability to overcome it by will alone reflects some lack of character or will power, as "common sense" as it seems to be, is frequently destructive. If if worked for you, consider yourself lucky, but the plain fact is that for many, no amount of will power will keep the urge at bay permanently. The best advice is to acknowledge that truth and work within that framework. Every single story in this forum, where a relationship has been challenged by gender issues but is still intact, is a story where that approach has been employed. Yes, even the DADT group. Granted, not every relationship is strong enough for even that, and certainly not every spouse or SO is willing to do so, but the saddest stories are those where the TG person has tried and failed to "quit", resulting in profound guilt on the part of the TG person, and a profound sense of betrayal on the part of the SO.

Traci,
Your urge to dress is not a character flaw. It is not a vice like alcohol or smoking. For better or worse, it is a part of who you are. You can't "quit" that.

I urge you and your spouse to pursue counseling from a qualified professional with training and experience in gender issues. Every credentialed therapist who has stayed current has at least an academic understanding of gender issues, but that's not enough. You're looking for someone with who has the skills and experience to facilitate some kind of resolution in situations like yours. Alas, that's an uncommon skill set. Hopefully, you will able to find such in your area. If there is to be a happy ending, or even a tolerable accommodation to be had, that is the shortest and surest path to it.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Nic J]

Hi Traci,
You have some encouragement in the fact that your wife will consider seeing a therapist and that she can cope with the underwear. That shows that there is at least a glimmer of hope for compromise/progress.
Hope that things improve for you.
Best wishes, Nic :)

Joni - CDing is a NOT a hobby!

[Stephanie47]

Traci, your post is not a ramble. You are not alone. I do think your marriage needs a qualified licensed therapist who is knowledgeable with gender issues. If the results are not fruitful, then retirement will be a strain. I find it very mean and nasty when a wife throws out the "D" words as a threat. "Do what I want or else...!" If you were to purge all your fem stuff and give up any vestiges of cross dressing, how would your wife treat you? Will she still have images of your en femme and still be repulsed by you? It would really turn a marriage into a sham. I've been married for 46 years. My wife, who is not accepting, knows my good qualities and not so good quirks, and realizes a small part of me does not warrant the "D" word. It's a compromise that has worked. Situations like Judy suffers through would not be an acceptable resolution to a difference of opinion in any marriage.

[Rachael Leigh]

Traci I feel your pain my wife is not a big fan of me being T either but she does manage to deal with it best she can.
I do think we can make choices about this but for many like myself this is a part of us.
I think we can change parts but it's very difficult especially if you have dealt with this a long time. Problem is nobody really
knows why some do this or are gender variant and it's hard to find the right answers.
I pray you can find them and you and wife will make it thru

[Judy-Somthing]

Wow isn't real life interesting? My wife says it's not something I need, it's just something I want to do.

[Gillian Gigs]

As the saying goes, "why does a woman after she marries a man spend 20 years to change him, and then say he is not the man she married". Really are any of us the same as the day we got married??? The only possible answer is a resounding NO. So, what's with, "I just want the man I married"? We evolve not into a monkey, well maybe some, but into the person that is shaped by their environment, relationships, and life experiences. Let's face it most of us thought this was a passing phase, well surprise it wasn't. Can we help it if as our testosterone levels drop, our estrogen levels didn't as we have aged. Can we help it that there has been this something inside our heads that we have struggled with most of our lives? Well, then see a therapist who can either prove, or disprove that there is a difference within ourselves.
Personally, my desires to dress have gone through the roof in the last 10 years, and now with retirement, it had been like a bomb going off in my head. Marriage is not I, I, I, me, me, me, it is supposed to be us, us, us. What ever happened to, for better or worse, is she the girl you married? Probably not, but would she admit it? I understand there are shame and sorrow issues from their prospective, so a compromise should then be worked out. Personally I think that these demands are a cover for some issue that is going on deep within her mind.
I read that most CD'ers would like more, but would just being happy with a tolerance of do it behind closed doors and I don't want to hear about it. If a woman left her husband because he watched NFL football every time it was on, then I would suspect there was something deeper going on. If she would not go for counselling with you, then question why.

[Amy Lynn3]

Traci, I am so sorry you have fallen to such a low. My hopes and prayers are you both can reach a happy medium. I am not qualified to give advise, but I have considered this issue for some time now. My conclusion goes along with what Gillian Gigs said. Many people in this day and time have what I labeled as the "Burger King" attitude. They want everything in life, just like they want it.

A good example of what I am talking about is I am on a dating site. Many of the women I talk with there refuse to date me and others, because..... they want someone who plays golf, dance or certain political views. My thought is.... do they want a person who has ideas, feelings, desires, ambitions or are they looking for a clone of themselves ? Life is not always fair and we don't get our way all the time. Things in life happen we can't control and we can't change or control others.

[Traci H]

Thanks for all the feedback. I really helps to spill your guts once and a while and this is the place for such. Sometimes there really is a little comfort in sharing your pain, and seeing someone else's perspective.

At the moment, things have fallen back to a DADT level or something along those lines. I am trying to cool it a little bit. I do know that the pink fog does get me at times. I really would love to be more open with my wife and be able to perhaps even joke about being CD on occasion. I am quite jealous of those here that are able to to that with their wives.

I do think that a therapist will help. There are listings on the web of those in our area that have made transgender issues part of their specialty. I just don't know how to select one at this point. Have others here called and basically interviewed them prior to an appointment? I want to get one that is aware of TG issues and will not slam me. I also want one that is supportive of my wife in a way that makes her comfortable.

The use of the D word by my wife really hurt. I have never stooped so low as to throw that out. I take my vows very seriously. I believe her intention was never to actually seek such, but its use will always resonant in my mind. Another bell that cannot be unrung. This time by her.

I pray that we will be able to work this out.We have lots to live for as we near retirement. I shudder to think it could fall apart.

[Tracii G]

Its not easy and the reasons we do what we do can vary so much so there is no right answer.
It does impact relationships but if you are not willing to talk about it and find a solution like in Judy's case it can escalate and became a real problem.
I hope you can work it out for the best.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Sorry for the ramble.Traci

Traci, please come here and ramble as much and as often as you need- it's the whole purpose of the forum.

You clearly need to let off steam, and as many of us to one degree or another are in the same situation, you are certainly among friends.

As you say, the right therapist or counsellor could be key to relieving your and your wife's situation, and you can try two approaches. One is to find a strong recommendation from those in your own position; another is to try randomly until you find one that clicks.

You say you live in the Midwest, so I'd suggest contacting any CD or LGBT organizations within say 100 miles for starters. You could also try starting a thread right here asking the question, something like 'Help! Seeking a therapist in the ... area.'

As far as the random approach goes, you can narrow your criteria by searching for a specialist in transgender issues, and these days they are becoming more common. I understand your wish to use your insurance, but the stakes are high- a few thousand spent on the right therapist could be cheaper in the long run than the alternative, at least in terms of the effects on you both of stress and frustration.

I wish you the very best of luck, please keep us up to date on how it's going for you.

Hugs, Nikki

[Alice Torn]

Amy Lynn, I hear you about the dating sites. i am on a seniors one, and i found almost none really want to date me, because i do not fit what they want. They want to travel the world, and live the hi-life. i simply cannot afford that. And, i am honest about my shortcomings and struggles. Which means i am automatically rejected. Sadly, modern society has given GG's far more choices, and prosperity, than many many men, and if I mention i CD, it is another automatic rejection. Compromise, I would think is the only way a relationship will work.

[Jenny22]

Traci, I believe I am correct ... A therapist submitting a bill to your insurance company does NOT state the actual reason for your needed visit(s). It will state an accepted category, not anything trans or CD related. You can always call your medical insurer, tell them you have serious personal issues and need to seek professional therapy. They will OK it.

[Traci H]

Jenny, I am pretty sure I will be covered by either mine or my wife's insurance. When I saw a therapist earlier this year, it was my by myself. I filled out the initial screening forms and had an appointment. She said that in order to use the insurance there had to be a need and since I was really having no issues, having pretty much accepted who I am, she had no basis to bill. I opted to pay the one hour fee out of my pocket but I really did not learn a lot during such. It was like so your CD and your OK, what else do you need. Now had my wife been there, that would have been a different issue.

So if we go was a couple, insurance should kick in.

Now as mentioned by Nikki, what's paying this out of your pocket if it leads to a happy life and some closure. I would be more than happy to pay such to better my and my wife's life. Now I just need to find one that works.

Thanks