Made the Big Decision to Give it Up

[JanetM.]

This was a really tough decision for me to make but I finally arrived at a logical solution. I have been highly successful at maintaining a "secret life" as a crossdresser for a long time. This was only possible since I usually had excuses to travel out of town and stay at hotels alone. This forum has been a fantastic resource for me and I appreciate every bit of advice and help given to others as well as myself. I know it is only a matter of time before logic and the law of averages catches up with me and my locked up crossdressing materials such as make-up, wigs, skirts, tops and shoes are discovered. It would be a bad day when that happens and would be difficult to explain as well as accepted by my wife. Therefore I have decided to purge everything at the end of July. I have two or three more out of town trips scheduled and I plan on taking advantage of the situation to be Janet during those trips. I don't know why I am sharing this information but if feels good to at least tell someone and get this off my chest. Thanks for listening. Its been a great experience but one that must end.

[Tracii G]

If you really wanted to stop or purge you would do it now.
The two or three more trips excuses sound like "oh I'll start my diet on the 1st of the month". Or I'll quit smoking at the end of this pack.
Its obvious to me what you are doing.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Janet, have you purged before? If the answer is 'yes', you might want to consider maybe getting a space at a storage rental place? If you've been buying for several years, think of the money lost.

And many of have purged, only to have to start over. Some have done so several times.

Best of luck to you Janet.

[Fiona123]

Really? If there's one thing that I have learned from this and other sites is that purging does not work. I would advise finding a different road.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Janet. Perhaps you will be the exception, but most of us are going to doubt that Janet will go so meekly into the dark.

Janet is a part of you, and suppressing any part of you is unlikely to be so simple as you suggest.

You are right in that it is probably only a matter of time until Janet is discovered, but I've seen again and again in this forum that purging rarely works in the long term.

I take it that you consider your wife's acceptance a non-starter? Either way, I'd recommend you see a therapist and talk it all through with him/her, and be prepared that the relief you currently feel at the thought of putting Janet away may in time prove not so permanent.

Janet has a voice too.

[Rachelakld]

While we will not hold our breaths in disbelief, if/when the urge reappears, keep in focus WHY you gave up.
All the best in your new journey.

[jennifer0918]

Good luck with your life,I have been there many times purge,stop dressing, and so on and so on the pink fog always finds me. I learned to accept my femme side and my secret.

[Danitgirl1]

I am always saddened by posts like this... It seems you have 'decided' to give up not because you WANT to, but because your fear of being discovered has become unbearable.
I always say it is better to 'come clean' and tell those that NEED to know about this side of you.
However I also totally get that people have a lot to lose! Family, spouse, jobs, careers, friends etc are all on the line and we value these things just as we value our gender identity...

This is why my spouse and I started our business... we provide people with affordable and scale-able storage solutions for wigs, shoes clothes etc, a place to dress (either overnight or for a few hours each day) and ancillary services (makeup, shopping, outings etc)... We are discreet and private.

I very much doubt we are the only people to have seen this gap in the market, why not look out for something similar where you live?

[Lacey New]

Janet,
My stash is quite small by most standards and I keep it that way because Lacey is very much in the closet to my SO. By choice, I might add. i have purged may times for the most part to avoid discovery associated with moving but often with the thought that "I'm not REALLY a crossdresser, I will just give it up. Well, after a number of years finding the urge coming back and eventually acquiring anther stash, I have come to grips with the fact that yea, I am a crossdresser and no, I can't give it up - at least yet. So, before you purge completely, consider re-sizing your stash to a smaller scale and carry on when you have the opportunities.

[Kate Simmons]

I respect your decision. It's never an easy one. Keep in touch as friends at least. Take care. :battingeyelashes::)

[JennyLiz]

I may be newish here but over the years, I have purged as well. It is a lot harder than it sounds, Good luck and keep us updated if you can.

Chin up!

[DIANEF]

I don't think I could ever do what you are doing, but if you feel it is the right decision, and if you are able to stick to it, good luck.

[Tracii G]

I'm sure there are some that can just give it up and thats fine no one is forcing you to dress.
You have your reasons we all get that but my previous comment still stands.

[Lisa Roberts]

Janet- Please, please, please get an appointment with a good Counselor. Not to be "fixed" but to help find the real you. The torment probably will not end, but be eased. I'm with you.
Lace and Smiles,
Lisa

[rachael.davis]

I had a crash and burn a couple of years ago, I called my GG Big Sister and said I'm so tired - I can't do this another day, her reply (which truly stabilized me) was "how well did it go the last fifty times you tried to hammer that Djinn back into the lamp?

[Ressie]

As far as quitting smoking goes, I've found that preparing for it mentally is necessary. Planning a cut off date works better.

As far as purging, I had the thought just the other day. The thought is that if all female clothing were removed, no one would ever know that I've been crossdressing my whole life. So I can't blame other CDs for thinking about purging. There's that thought that someday someone close will stumble across a closet full of skirts, tops, dresses and wigs, then the drawers filled with undergarments! For some that would be devastating.

I can't imagine a life of hiding this from a wife but I understand that some CDs don't have much choice.

[Jaylyn]

I've purged so many times, it always raises it dressing head again somewhere down the line. My longest was when I was younger and totally immersed in other activities. Keep your self busy and try not to let the small trigger points hit ya. My trigger points are lipstick commercials on tv, a beautiful GG wearing something sexy. The list goes on its the small triggers that hit me and I've always returned.
Good luck and as said keep in touch. ( which this site might be a trigger) but at least we all understand why you are purging. We'll listen any time on here we have all been in the same heels before...

[BrendaPDX]

Good morning Janet, I wish you nothing but the best of luck and hope you succeed. I have found that logic has very little to do with Brenda, the urges are visceral for me and have accepted that I will always be a crossdresser. I have purged twice now, staying drab for over a year and then subconsciously start finding myself looking at dresses and other accessories, then slowly rebuilding my stash. I do hear you about the harm that can come from getting caught to the ones we care about and to you. Wishing you the best. Brenda

[mykell]

hi janet,

not sure where you hail from but if this is your destiny please please try to find a t-group to donate your belongings, with this type of lifestyle comes a lack of prosperity for some individuals so if you could find a way to help and maintain your discretion please try to donate so you could help someone.....if you are in my area send a PM, i can forward your things to needy individuals......

i wish you luck in your endeavor....it does make me sad though.

[Lori Kurtz]

I know from experience that it's possible to quit. Not easy, but possible. The breakup of my first marriage--due to her discovery of my stash--was such a horror that it helped give me the strength to give up actual dressing. But the fantasies, the mental images, the urges? Those never went away. If you carry through with your plan, be aware that this could happen to you. Allow those fantasies to give you pleasure when you're involved in sexual activities, whether you're with a partner or alone by yourself--what's in your mind is nobody's business but your own, and you don't need to feel guilty about them. Try to keep all that in perspective, and focus on the important considerations that led you to your decision. Best of luck to you, dear.

[Heidi Stevens]

Janet, purging to give up cross dressing is like quitting the Mafia. You can try, but very few succeed. Every one of us has faced this choice and a lot of us go through with it only to start another stash down the line. You could get a storage unit as suggested, but should something happen to you, your stuff will still be found.
If you are not going to reveal yourself to those who love you (and take the results from those you told), may I suggest you write a letter to stick where someone who finds your stuff can find it as well. Explain yourself in the letter and ask that they understand that you are not a "pervert" or mental, you're a person who had to explore this side of themselves. To please be kind and realize that you hid this side of you from them for their benefit not yours. I know, it's lame to be hiding something like this from loved ones, but I know most of us who hid our stuff feel we are "protecting" our love ones from humiliation.
Until you are ready to admit to others in the open how you have this other side to you, a "cover" letter may help things go in a positive direction should your stash be discovered. Good luck.

[Stephanie47]

Janet, in a post of August 2016 you indicated you're married with kids and have been wearing women's clothing for over twenty-five years. That length of time suggests to me it will be difficult, if not impossible, to shed your "hobby." That's another word that you used,,"hobby." A desire to wear and emulate a woman is more than a "hobby" like collecting stamps or coins. There's is something in our inner being that draws us to engaged in our desires at seemingly great peril and risk. You may be able to cease wearing women's clothing, but, will you be able to see the consequences? That's a valid question. Will your wife and kids recognize subtle changes in behavior? Irritability? Depression? For a man to go from being out en femme to purging seems rather extreme.

When I read these posts of a "secret life" I do wonder if it is as really secret as one thinks. I really suspect a wife may know, but, is either afraid to confront her husband or just thinks it's just a quirk. It is possible, if a woman knows or suspects her husband likes to wear women's clothing, that she has researched the issue and come to a conclusion that although she may not like her husband cross dressing it brings no harm. For many women, who are secure in their marriages, the potential negative consequences of violating societal norms and expectations is the issue.

In any action I've considered "risk vs reward." I hope you have properly assessed the consequences of going "cold turkey" at the end of July. Just try to identify the negative consequences of abandoning a part of you.

[Aunt Kelly]

As I recently posted in another similar thread, with rare exceptions, our TG nature is a part of who we are. It doesn't "get better", doesn't go away with the clothes when we purge. To be sure, the desire comes and goes (still waiting for an explanation of that pattern), but rare indeed is the person who successfully and permanently purges that part of their nature. In most cases, one will be much happier coming to grips with that reality. Not that it's easy, or without trade-offs, but one can let go of the guilt. After that, decisions like in the closet or not, whom to tell or not, etc. can be made with practical necessity in mind rather than guild or some other emotion. I realize that this seems like a rather glib pronouncement and to an extent it is. I am simplifying a complex dynamic, but I've been at this a long time, and it is what I've come to believe, through my own experience and through what others communicate to communities like this one.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Rachael Leigh]

Janet wish you luck with this but here's the question and the real test.
That first trip out of town and non of Janet's clothes are with you, then what? I think it will hit you then why did I purge,
maybe not but time will tell once again good luck

[Dana44]

Rule number one... Don't purge. But when you do purge, the cost of losing your stuff will surprise you. My last purge was a major one and I wish I had my old pumps and clothes and makeup that I purged. It does not work and Again rule number one... Don't purge.

[Sallee]

Good Luck on that one Janet. While I have gone long periods of time without dressing even when the opportunity was there the desire was always there and it was only a matter of time before it would happen. Yesterday was the first time I dressed in 7 or 8 months It wasn't much just a day time stroll around town and a quick lunch with no problems but it sure was fun and a stress relief. I am glad I didn't purge.
Maybe you are stronger than I but I have never known anyone has stopped forever and continued breathing.

[jennifer0918]

If you must purge donate to a group that supports our issues, or a LGBTQ group ,my recent purge and I don't consider it a purge I was just," I'm sorry momma,but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet. "It was cloths that didn't fit shoes I didn't wear anymore,I donated to the brown elephant in Chicago when I walked into the shop I say many ts woman shopping there so I felt satisfied my stuff will be going to someone who could use it

Ladies I'm amazed how similar we are,how there are many triggers out there on tv,beautiful gg,sexy shoes,or a sexy dress. Many times for me I tried giving up CDing but I always encountered a trigger. Many times my mind was occupied with other activities and then the pink fog payed me a visit, to fill a void in me.
Good luck Janet .

[JanetM.]

This was a really tough decision for me to make but I finally arrived at a logical solution. I have been highly successful at maintaining a "secret life" as a crossdresser for a long time. This was only possible since I usually had excuses to travel out of town and stay at hotels alone. This forum has been a fantastic resource for me and I appreciate every bit of advice and help given to others as well as myself. I know it is only a matter of time before logic and the law of averages catches up with me and my locked up crossdressing materials such as make-up, wigs, skirts, tops and shoes are discovered. It would be a bad day when that happens and would be difficult to explain as well as accepted by my wife. Therefore I have decided to purge everything at the end of July. I have two or three more out of town trips scheduled and I plan on taking advantage of the situation to be Janet during those trips. I don't know why I am sharing this information but if feels good to at least tell someone and get this off my chest. Thanks for listening. Its been a great experience but one that must end.

Thank you to the forum for allowing this post. I truly appreciate all the comments I have received. It is quite obvious that my situation has been experienced and tackled by many of you. I can work my way through this the best I can. I just needed to speak to someone and this forum seemed to be the best place. Thanks again.

Janet

[Teresa]

Janet,
I'm in my sixties now and it's taken me far too long to find myself and get to this point , I couldn't give this lifestyle up now because I know it's an integral part of me . Not to dress again and satisfy my female side would be like taking part of my being away, why would I want to do that ?

Surely you can find a way to gradually to explain it to your wife, can you truly say this is the last day and it's never going to happen again ?
It's a huge sacrifice for part of you to possibly be unhappy for the rest of your life .

[Alice Torn]

Janet. I believe the human can adapt to most everything, including no CDing anymore. But, it is not very easy, unless plenty is there to rep[lace it. I have had no desire to dress for weeks, and considered purging, as i am having some health problems, and near death situations on my bicycle, and mowing, and in traffic in my car. I struggle with the guilt and shame, yet, also, as my religion forbids it. One day at a time.

[Tracii G]

I know many say they personally couldn't do it but maybe you can give it all up and kudos to you if you can.
Not dressing wouldn't change who I am inside so there is no reason for me to change.
I am a mix of both genders and thats how I choose to live.
You on the other hand live your life as two entities (male and female) so you can be the man if you choose to be.

[Sandy Storm]

WOW this is a tough one, I personally stopped dressing for 10 +/- years for personal reasons, the guilt of hiding a secret, the shame and confusion of dealing with myself identity but it eventually came back or I choose to geaux back to it...good luck with your choices hugs

[NancySue]

I understand...been there...done that. It will return...guarantee it. One never knows when or how intense the pink fog will return, but like the four seasons....it will. I believe, from experience, the more you "fight" it, the more frustration. Good luck.

[Alice B]

I know that I do not wish to stop, even at my age. But, I also know my strength of will and if I decided to stop I know I could do it.I wiah you all the luck and a happy marriage.

[Lana Mae]

It is wired in your brain and will not stay away! Do not purge-store! I went 34 years without and it hit me like a tidal wave! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

[MelanieAnne]

We'll leave the light on for ya! :heehee:

[Judy-Somthing]

Giving it up also means not giving into the Pink-Fog.
I haven't dressed in three months, I've wanted to but my stash is an hour away at least.
I find once my time/opportunity for dressing has passed I'm actually relieved from the stresses of getting caught!

[rachael.davis]

Pain is neither created, nor destroyed. It is accepted, here and now, or postponed. If pain is postponed it will grow in size and intensity until the day it is accepted.

Not a cheery life POV, but I wasn't a happy male way back when I was in denial.

[Leslie Mary S]

JanetM. you might be able to purge you stored materials but you will never purge your mind, So get rid of everything and good luck. But just in case ro revert back we will be here to stand by you.
Even hippos and giraffes have hearts and souls, and end up doing what the heart and soul wants.

[Diane Taylor]

Many of us on this site have gone through the purge process only to go right back in a very short time. If this is what you truly want I wish you the best of luck but based on MY experience only, I think you'll regret the purging and will start all over again. Good luck.....

[ChastityInFemme]

I've purged. And it comes back. You won't know how long it'll be til the urge comes back, but it eventually will. I've vowed to never purge again. It's too much wasted money. Although, when I did purge, I donated everything. But...I've accepted my girly side. I just hope my family can accept it if they discovered my stash. I wish you luck Janet.

[Melanie Therese]

I made that decision too, but was done within days. I decided one week and knew my wife was working the night before garbage collection the following week. All underwear went in the bin and all decent clothes went to a clothing collection bin. It was a tough decision but found myself getting riskier and riskier but loving it. I have kids that are growing up and I don't want them to know and found myself doing more undesirable things that I wont go in to detail. It had to end. It's been 8 weeks and I feel good for it. I don't live in fear the kids will look in the wrong place or freak out if I run in to them while wearing a bra (which happened and my daughter gave me a hug and I nearly freaked out) Perhaps again later in life when the kids are gone, but for now I have to put my family first.

[kimdl93]

I certainly wish the very best in your effort to quit. I have recent experience of going 18 months after a purge....re-emerging briefly in March, and going back on the abstinence path again in May. I haven't purged, but everything I purchased since March is packed up in a large suitcase. My plan, to the extent that I have one, is to leave it there, untouched for some period of time, then donate the lot of it to Good Will.

But that is only dealing with the physical manifestations of CDing. I'm also working on my mind-set. In managing my thoughts my first effort is on re-writing my inner narrative that has contributed to seeing myself as a CDr and transgendered. Mind you, I'm not trying to apply any sort of negative image or meaning to CDing or gender variations...but rather to question the underlying assumptions, memory constructs, motivations and doubts that have contributed to this particular, long-held self image. I don't know if it will work....maybe the process is itself a practice in self deception.

[paulaprimo]

i also wish you the very best. it's not an easy thing to get away from.
if it's a part of you, it always will be. i don't think i could stop if i wanted
to or had to. i've known a few people who have purged, some for many years,
but it eventually comes back and usually with a vengeance...

[Tina_gm]

I don't have much to add.... i was the queen of denial for decades. Had on a handful of occasions dressed loved it, hated it simultaneously. Hated myself for being feminine. Tried REALLY HARD to man up. It never worked, although at times I had convinced myself it was working. Then bam, it came back. It took me 30 years to finally wave the white, or maybe pink flag.

Having said that- I'm not going to say YOU can't, or shouldn't. We all need to do whatever we feel is right FOR us, at the present time. So whatever your reasons are for not dressing, they ARE valid. And purge and do whatever else you feel will help you. Go to a gym, work out, get muscular, or more muscular.... it worked,
Errr, well not really for me lol. I enjoyed being more in shape at the time, but I still found myself day dreaming.... still fought the battle. I just felt better about the guy side. It didn't help me get rid of any desire. It was right for me at the time though, I think....

[sometimes_miss]

Rule #1 when you want to purge: Don't purge. Rule #2 when you feel you really need to purge: See rule #1.

FWIW, it is possible for some of us to quit; at least, for a while. It may all depend on the situation going on in the rest of our life, as to how much difficulty you're going to have to deal with. For me, the 80's were basically all normal male, all the time. That extended into the first few years of my marriage as well; I thought that I had 'beaten it', I really did. But all I had done, was manage to repress the desire, because everything else in my life was going well. Subconsciously, my mind hid the crossdressing demon deep inside me, and I didn't even know it was still there. Then when other stresses in my life became overwhelming, the desire to crossdress returned too strong to ignore.

Think of it this way: Let's say, your mind is like a computer. It does things in the background that you never have to think about. Your mind does this, like breath, walk up stairs, etc.; just like your computer does things like print, keep the screen refreshed, etc.. You never notice this. But open up too many windows in your browser, or play a graphics intensive game on too high video settings, and THEN everything starts to freeze up. And THAT's when the little things that used to be hidden in the background start showing themselves. So, you can bury the CD desires while your mind can dedicate a few spare 'CPU cycles' to keeping it in the background. But it will always be there.....waiting to bite you on the a$$.

[JanetM.]

I spent the weekend in another far away place alone and as Janet. I actually had a pretty good time going out to a CD friendly bar. After reading all the responses and really re-thinking the problem, I plan on simply taking an extended break. I'll pack everything up and do my best to keep it out of sight of the wife. After 3 or 4 months, I should have a reasonable through process on the old purge. Thanks again to everyone; I truly appreciate your time and experience.

[xandralovesleather]

I have been there a few times and kept coming back. I realized it is who I am and now accept that.

[kimdl93]

As we offer the benefit of our experience, we must beware of making a one-size fits all presumption about CDing. Some of us may indeed be born this way, and can take comfort in the knowledge that we are being true to ourselves, even if others cannot accept this. But there are possibly other reasons that one individual or another has gravitated towards CDing. Some of us are familiar with individuals who ascribe their desire to fetish or autogynephilia. Other than subjective, self appraisal, I am not aware of any mechanism for clearly delineating where on the gender spectrum any individual may reside. And if the nature of the particular interest in CDing is variable, then one might reasonably argue that the causes and possibility for changing that behavior may be variable as well.

It seems reasonable to suggest that a person impacted by genetic or developmental factors cannot and should not be forced into a binary role. But likewise, it seems reasonable that a person who's behavior is motivated or precipitated by life experiences may indeed be able to modify that behavior. For example, if a person gets an endorphin surge from the act of dressing as a woman (not that there is anything wrong with that), its possible that the person may be able to engage in cognitive behavoiral therapy aimed at redirecting that experience, or substituting other similarly rewarding experiences.

Now, I'll concede that my speculations above may simply be wishful thinking. Perhaps none of us can change and our only alternative is to accept, embrace or endure.

[Tina_gm]

Kim, i would suggest with the amount of effort you, me and so many others have put forth to find alternative methods or activities that create the same release of endorphins we would be more successful than our dismal success rate if those ways were out there.

[kimdl93]

You may very well be right, GM. Does that, however, not assume we are all cut from the same cloth? If we vary in our motivations, might we not also vary in outcomes, particularly those consciously pursued.

Perhaps the absence of some formerly active members at least suggests the possibility that some of us have come to a different end result, and those of us who remain represent a somewhat selective sample.

One observation I'd share from my own life. For the most part, I've accepted a rather negative self appraisal. My level of impulse control, self discipline, or whatever you might call it, was minimal... I didn't believe sufficiently in my capacity for either. More often than not, I simply went with impulse, wherever it might lead. (And more often than not, I came to regret impulsive acts.)

Honestly, I don't know if the results would have been different if at, age 15, 18, 22 or 40, I had sought to consciously alter the way I thought of myself or disciplined my behavior. I fight that negative self assessment and inclination towards impulse anew each day. Old habits are hard to break.

I don't know exactly what I'm doing, how long I may persist, if I will succeed, or even how I will define or recognize success.