Feeling neglected

[Nikki1983]

I know that I've shared a little bit of my hesitation recently. But I'm starting to feel like Srey (husband's femme name) is taking over. It's been all about dressing lately and. I'm feeling like I've lost my husband. When he's in drab he's just not open any more. He spends time on his phone and sits with me, but he hasn't shown any real "male attraction" I guess you could call it. I miss that.

I'm going to talk to him tonight. Is there anything I should avoid saying, that may cause unnecessary hurt. I want to share my feeling, but I don't necessarily want him to shut down.

[Teresa]

Nikki,
A new World is just opening up to him, he has so much to come to terms with, so much to understand and accept. He hasn't changed towards you he has changed to himself . It's very hard for someone brought up as male to suddenly find he has a female side, it may take over for a time. Imagine the same thing happening to you how would you deal with it. You haven't lost your husband you have gained something a little extra .

One thing you could ask him to do if he finds it hard to talk about is get him to write it all down going right back to when it started , it may help him see things more clearly and help you to understand it better.

[Nikki1983]

He has been a cd all his life pretty much. We were together for 14 years before I found out. I realize now that I know, he can be more free, but he has not been giving me as much attention as he used to. He used to give me full body rubs and spend a lot of time making me feel good. I suffer from chronic pain since I was hit by a semi in 2010.
In the last few months it's been all about going out dressed, new clothes, go, go, go. This last two weeks was especially rough and on top of it my hours as a home care worker for seniors have doubled. He seems to ignore when I'm hurting now, vs. when if I even groaned he was there to rub my back and help. I don't want him to cater to me the same way as before, obviously he needs time for srey, but some consideration would be nice.

I guess I. Worried about saying any phrases or certain things that many of you as CDs would not want to hear, but at the same time relay my upset and frustration.

I am the one that encouraged him to go out for the first time dressed. I guess you could say I brought her out fully and helped him get to know his femme side, I don't want to detract from. His growth, but help find a balance.

[Tina_gm]

Could be a case of the pink fog. It's just what happens to a lot of us. The feelings, urges, desires just seem to steam roll over us. Personally, I find I'm more of those things, car I f, compassion etc etc. when I'm feeling more on the fem side. But I also am one who doesn't go through the intense fog that many do. It's more like a low tide high tide, always there to some extent, but just more present or stronger at times. Not a tidal wave though for me.

I would say more or less what you are saying here now. Approaching your partner by just wanting to be well, a partnership. Maybe plan a big dinner date, movies, dancing or what you guys normally like to do. Try initiating back rubs, or other intimate gestures. I would start there without any big sit down issue about the dressing 1st. If he really just can't or won't break from his little world then I'd start a bigger convo about srey. At that point, after making an attempt of better connection, then I'd just go ahead and let it rip. Sometimes we all need that snap, yank whatever, men and women alike, In more standard conventional marriages and relationships as well as one's involving gender variance.

[AlissaMurray]

My opinion for what it's worth as a married person is that you should just talk to your SO. I too believe it's just about being caught up in the pink fog. As supportive as you are I am sure this is all an unintentional over site. I am also much more attentive to my spouse in fem mode, not sure why but I just go with it. Communication is the key, and some times we need to be reminded...

[mattea]

Nikki,

I have been guilty of exactly the same thing Srey is doing. I am new to the phrase "pink fog" but that is sort of it. There is an excitement, exhilaration to finally release what has been kept so locked up tight for so long and while we all like to think that we have a very caring and accepting feminine side, we are still guys to some extent to, and capable of doing dumb things. As far as what to say and what to do, that is more difficult. I really respect that you are so supporting, my SO is absolutely supporting, she loves both sides of me equally and it appears you are truly trying to make this work. In our case I was consumed for a while and neglected everything, there is a point where through a couple of fights, that I finally realized that I was not doing what I needed to do and we have since found that balance. One other thing to remember Srey is not doing any of this out of anything other than a desire to fully explore this and it is dangerous to assume anything, take him for his word and he should take you at your word. The only thing assumptions ever did for me was get me in trouble. It wasn't easy for us to get to this point, and it wasn't easy for me to admit that I needed to pay attention to my other responsibilities when I was so excited and happy, but now that I understand what I was doing and that we have worked through it our relationship is so beyond what it was before. I wish you luck and hope it all goes well!

Mattea

[Nikki1983]

Thank you all for the responses. I am accepting and I did fall into the pink fog with him, but now it's kinda wearing off and I need my needs met. It's certainly a tricky path to deal with. I'm finding as we go that I'm not as 'ok' with the whirlwind as I thought I'd be.
I'm finding I need to speak up or it's going to build up and I don't want it to go that far.

[Aunt Kelly]

Nikki,
Your feelings are absolutely valid. Let's make sure we're clear on that right up front.
You gave your SO a tremendous gift, in your acceptance and support. He has never had that before and it's not at all surprising that he is a little drunk with it. He needs to know that you understand that and that you still have needs. Finding a balance where you both have what you need may be tricky, and frankly, it may be impossible, but failure is virtually certain if the both of you can't communicate honestly and openly about where this thing goes from here.

Here's hoping that you two can get that useful dialog going and find a place where you're both happy and fulfilled.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Jodie_Lynn]

Nikki, speak with him plainly and honestly. Tell him exactly what it is you expect from your Man. Guys don't do subtle, hell they often miss the bleedin' obvious! Tell him it's OK to have Srey time, but that YOU need hubby time as well. Avoid ultimatums; if you force him to choose between you & Srey, the outcome will not satisfy anyone. He might grow to resent you for it

[Nikki1983]

I would never give him an ultimatum. I accepted him as he/she is. I love both sides. He's just gone deep into it and I wanna pull him back a bit. I knew the time would come, just didn't know it would become so drastic so soon.

Our relationship and life together would be fine even if he chose to transition or otherwise live as female. I know this, but I also know in talking to him that that is not where he wants to go right now. I just don't know how to approach my needs without being/feeling selfish. I honestly didn't think it would take over like this.

With your ladies' advice in mind I will talk to him tonight and see how it goes.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Good luck Nikki! And you are NOT being selfish. Tell him that if you were, you wouldn't have accepted another woman into your marriage. :)

[JamieG]

I hope the conversation goes well. I imagine your spouse simply hasn't realized how unhappy you were, and will take steps to find a better balance. He's lucky to have such a supportive wife, and I hope he realizes it.

[mbmeen12]

You wrote this last night so I am late. I hope s/he got the message B is for behavior. E is for the effects of the behavior and then F follow up with positive feelings. B.E.F. counseling method. If that does not work then professional counseling.

[Fiona123]

Talking to him is good. He might be depressed about something. Consider counseling.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm sorry your husband is being this way, it sounds lonely for you.

All you can do is be gently honest. If that shuts him down, then he wasn't open in the first place and you will have established that your marriage needs some serious maintenance.

Having said that, he is perhaps in a phase, self-obsessed because of the novelty of exploring his feminine side, and hopefully that self obsession will fade in time - so, patience, gentle honesty, and if that doesn't work, kick him hard in the shin. That will definitely get his attention, at which point you can go the 'Goddam it, you'd better start listening to what I'm saying or else' route - and perhaps that's really what he needs?

Good luck Nikki.

[Suzie Petersen]

Nikki,
What might be going on is the classic situation of both sides trying to guess what the other side thinks and feels about an awkward situation. Both of you are changing your behavioral patterns because you think the other side is unhappy / upset / angry / sad or in some other emotionally driven state of mind. This is unfortunately self amplifying and can be difficult to get out of.

You have probably changed your behavior just a little bit because you are wondering where this is all going. He might have picked up on the change, but since he doesn't know exactly what the problem is, he is guessing and at the same time he is also changing his own behaviors and keeps a little distance to you as a result.

Most likely both of you only see the changes in the other, not in your self, which makes it difficult to get back to normal.

The best way for you to break that circle, is for you to very deliberately do things you used to do. Think about anything you might have changed in your behaviour towards him, and force yourself to go back to how it used to be.

Most guys are a little dim, so trying to have a psych evaluation with him on your own might not work that well. Just lead him by the hand back to how it used to be and try not to attempt to figure out why he is acting different. He probably doesn't know how to act "normal" towards you right now.

- Suzie

[phili]

Hi Nikki,
You are clearly doing everything any reasonable person could want in a relationship, and more, to the point of not having your basic needs met. As has been said, many crossdressers have a huge pit of desire for feminine experience that, once the door is opened, swallows us up - and we no longer have a normal balance of mutuality. I have felt this myself, and I have a very strong responsibility 'gene', but I didn't even see how I was fully self absorbed- all I saw was the green light [ or what I thought was a green light.] When my wife fell apart I saw the error of my ways. It turned out that her needs are in direct conflict with mine, as opposed to your situation where your needs are just to get the normal amount of attention we all need!

My suggestions-
1. Crossdressing can be very much like drug addiction- as huge endorphins or something similar are unleashed in the pink fog. Bringing the 'CD drug' use back into line is the same kind of problem as alcoholism. Watch out for codependency, and be very clear and immediate about your boundaries and needs. He has a stake in your relationship, and your support. He knows that, but you have to act as an equal partner.

2. He appears to have given up at least temporarily, being your husband in the way you are used to enjoying and expecting. This is one difficult part of the long deprivation of cders- we feel uninterested in acting out that role, we are done with 'expectations' of male life for now. My own experience that surprised me was that when I went 24/7 dressing and started feeling like a woman, I actually missed being a man, and that helps me stay manly for my wife. In particular, I think the best way forward for my wife would be to hold her nose and let me have as much experience as possible as fast as possible, to end the contest between us for focus. It is a powerful experience being able AT LAST to feel all that I wanted to feel all my life, so having to come back into what seems like a confined space so I we can talk about mundane things is difficult to do. My suggestion here is to say- I am really happy for you. I am also a person with needs, and although they are different, I don't think they are in conflict.

3. Understand that his window frame to reality, now that you made room for him, is glowing with hypnotic promise, and all he wants to do is drink deeply of every dressup thing he has always imagined. Happily, you are in a long term relationship, and it looks like most of your needs and desires do not conflict with his. "Darling, you look fabulous, again! Where did you get that blouse? Here, can you press here? Ohhh, that is good. Yikes, I need one of your fabulous backrubs! Can you slip into something comfortable and give me some of your special attention? your really badly. I lifted 2000 lbs of people today and my back is killing me. Tell me about your next crossdress adventure/purchase while you are- yeah right there a little more.'

4. Avoid silently wondering and worrying as it weakens the relationship. Talk about what you see. Negotiate out loud and forthrightly rather than wish and hope. Narrate your experience and ask him to narrate his. Talk about the present and the future. Talk about what you see as benefits for him, and for you, and for both of you from his crossdressing blossoming. Crossdressers almost always start out in the closet, where we have no connection, and so we need help with connection, connection, connection.

You are a precious partner and he is very fortunate to be your husband.

[Tracii G]

I think Suzi made some great points so take heed of how you have changed and not thrust everything on him.
He may see something in the way you are acting and he doesn't want to upset you by mentioning it.
Guys are dim and you need to just be brutally honest and say hey have you forgotten about me?
Communicate that is the only way to get thru it in my opinion.
He is going thru female "puberty" right now and probably doesn't realize it. By "puberty" I mean he is learning and feeling things right now that are alien to him.

[Sandra]

Your feelings count just as much as your SOs, so be honest with him and tell him exactly how your are feeling.

[Mark B]

I think Philli's #3 is the best route. This was what I was thinking as well, Have him get dressed and then make him feel comfortable and then mention how much you need Srey to give you one of those full body rubs.

[Alice B]

I think he should read what you have posted and the responses.

[Nikki1983]

An update:

We talked, and at first he felt attacked, even though I made sure to use "I feel" and "I think" instead of putting it on him. He tried to play the victim. He tried to blame me. He used the fact that I don't like to dress up as an excuse for how much he does. ( I could pass as a butch if i was in a lesbian relationship.) I've never been into makeup and all that, but for him I have learned and tried to get some motivation to dress up.
I called bullsh*t and told him frankly that I have gone out of my way to make him feel good about this, and he needs to start considering my needs if this is going to work. I reminded him that I'm here for the long run, I'm not leaving. I'm stubborn like that, but I need him to remember my needs thru this. He got quiet, thought for a bit. Then I explained the pink fog, and he said that makes sense. He is now aware and willing to make sure he checks in with me before he goes pink, as he called it.

Time will tell, but I think he got the message. I was not rude, did not yell, just quietly explained my feelings, and he seems to get it for now.

[Rachael Leigh]

Nikki very good because commication is so very important in any relationship but especially when your spouse is CD.
Make sure he knows that too because it sounds like it's what you want is for him to be open and honest

[Brandy Mathews]

Srey is very lucky to have you.
Bree ;)

[Stephanie47]

Nikki, sometimes you have to take a bull by the horns and knock some sense into him. I'm one that does not like it when somebody beats around the bush. I rather someone come right and say it. Otherwise, any issue is prolonged and a resolution more difficult to reach. If I ever told my wife that part of the reason I like to wear women's clothing is because she does not dress up as frilly or girlie as I she'd slap the crap out of me. That comment your husband made was just a ploy to shift the blame. I've posted many times a woman has the right to change her mind concerning a man's desire to wear women's clothing. When you went "all in" at first he thought he had free rein to do anything and everything. My advice to any woman is to go slow and take your time. It is a lot easier to give a little more when you've been comfortable with it than to try to take it back later. I've always considered marriage to be an ongoing process of negotiating and renegotiating anything and everything.

[StephanieM]

Maybe he's waiting for you to make a move. Grab him by the hand, tell him to change into man mode and you will make him want to be a man tonight. Then show him a really good time.

[Nikki1983]

Due to a work injury yesterday, all bets are off. He fell off a ladder from 12 ft up and landed on his right side on a support beam. He is out of commission for now. But as soon as he's better, things will change as far as him wanting to be in man-mode.

[Micki_Finn]

Maybe he's waiting for you to make a move. Grab him by the hand, tell him to change into man mode and you will make him want to be a man tonight. Then show him a really good time.

This could be an important piece of advice here. It's possible that he's been waiting for you to give him a signal that you're ready. It could also be that his sexuality is getting tied up with his gender so that he feels more sexual in "girl mode" and doesn't know how to deal with that. Just be patient and keep the communication flowing.

[StephanieM]

Ohh I see. The problem isn't from the dressing it's from an injury. That's tough too. Maybe you can ask him to snuggle up while you watch a movie or something. Exchange back rubs perhaps. My wife had an injury last year and we didn't get any intimate time, what I missed the most was her laying on my shoulder at night before we went to sleep. So I kind of know how you feel.

[Nikki1983]

Actually the problem started days before the injury. He just hurt himself on the same day I was going to speak to him about issues. However, he is in so much pain that intimacy of any kind hurts.

[StephanieM]

Oh I see.

This phase sucks because you really can't say anything without seeming like a jerk. Maybe after he heals up he will show you more affection. You know the absence makes the heart fonder cliché.

[Pumped]

Don't forget, it is a two way street. The more affection you show him, especially in male mode, the more he will show you back. Some times to receive what you want you may have to give a bit more. Maybe he would like a back rub too, then reciprocate and give you one back. I notice that when I pay attention to my wife she is more attentive to my needs to. Some say it is a minipulative, but I think it is what you do when you are committed and love someone.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Nikki I am so glad you were able to talk to your SO about this! In ANY relationship, communication is so vital to understanding one another. You could live with someone for a hundred years and you would still not be able to dope out the others thoughts.

Understand that there will be bumps, but patience, understanding and talking it out will be the best plan. Hoping for the best for you both.

[Lori Kurtz]

Yes, you need to share your feelings with him. The place you're coming from is that you love him, you love being with him sexually and in all the other ways, and you've been missing out on some of that. You need for him to be as accepting and caring toward you as you have been to him. I think the key is to focus on your love for him, and your need for him to be a part of your life, as you are a part of his. Best of luck to you, dear.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh ... sorry ... I just read your response in which you said you had brought the subject up. Sounds like you handled it pretty well. After the initial resistance from him, it also sounds like he's moving in the right direction. You are a real blessing to him. I hope he appreciates that.

[sometimes_miss]

I hope the conversation goes well. I imagine your spouse simply hasn't realized how unhappy you were.
I agree with this. As much as we wish to emulate women, we're still men underneath it all (something that you might sometimes forget, too, as in this case). We're men, and we're pretty clueless when it comes to other people's feelings. While your girlfriends will automatically sense when something's wrong when you're not feeling right, men simply don't see it. We're not built that way. We need direct conversational notice when you want something from us; in almost all cases, we're happy to comply! But expecting a guy to become as sensitive to other people's feelings as a woman is? Rare. I've studied body language and psychology extensively, and I still fall into the routine of not noticing women's moods unless I actively focus hard to do it. I suspect that's what your husband is like, too. As an example, I refer you to the old routine where the guy asks what's wrong, and his wife insists that if he cared, he'd just KNOW automatically what's wrong. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. Talk to your husband when you want something. Otherwise, he's probably not going to notice when something's wrong. He's not doing it on purpose, that's what you need to remember.