So Your SO Doesn't Like Your Dressing

[Joni T]

Everyone seems to think that their SO should just suck it up and live with your cd'ing and not be bothered by it. OK, let's change the scenario for a bit and maybe put it in proper perspective. Imagine you're not a cd'er and know nothing about it (as seems the case with most SO's) and you've been together for a time. You think all is good. Then one day, out of the clear blue, your SO tells you that she wants to dress as a male, or has already been dressing as a male and wants to continue to do so and has even gone as far as to buy a toupee, maybe even a beard and moustache. Honestly, how do you think you'd feel? I for one don't think it would go over very well with me. After all, I married a woman. Remember, in this scenario you are NOT a cd'er or very knowledgeable about it and your SO doing it is the farthest thing from your mind.
How do you think you'd feel?
Jon
Just for the record, I'm one of the lucky one's who's wife knows and accepts it.

[Sara Jessica]

You forgot the requisite potato in the pants!!!

[Dana44]

Oh gee that has been on many threads. I have an accepting SO and she has some male traits. But dresses as a female all the time. So, it has been discussed a lot already. How would I feel. Heck I would have a man then.

[IleneD]

OK..... this is my Wife using a pen name for the board, isn't it?
I've heard this speech, almost verbatim.

And BTW,.... as a crossdresser who probably isn't giving it up soon (in this lifetime?), and whose wife knows but isn't entirely comfortable with it; I understand and empathize with that argument.

[Imeni]

You know what? If I love her, I would support her as much as I could having the knowledge I have about being a natural born male. Got any spare clothes? You're welcome to em. You want some tips on shaving? Great! I mean, the facial hair might be a no-no only because most women have a softer face and facial hair might not work for the look they want. Hell, most men can't grow that Grizzly Adams beard. But the scenario is under the premise that I what, would have some sort of issue with them doing it because I could be ignorant? Even if i wasn't a crossdresser in this world, we live in one where the LGBT community is very open and vocal and I've always been secure with who I am as a person to be ok with anyone being who they need to be to be happy. I like to think that I could be called a loving, supporting SO of a FtM if it ever came up but I'm not sure how I'd feel. It's not a blanket situation. It's a case by case situation. Does she just want to wear the clothes? Does she want the operation and get a functioning set of organs to wield? Does she want ME to be in her life as her significant other or just as a supporting friend? These are all questions that only she can ask and answer.

My question to follow up on yours: Will she, living on a man, want to be in a sexual relationship with another man? I as a crossdresser am a man who simply wears a dress when stress gets high. I'm still a man in every regard and want a woman alongside me. But I also say this. No one, not a significant other, not a parent or family member nor friend will ever shame me or tell me to stop dressing because it makes THEM uncomfortable. I feel bad, I do. And I will do what I can to make sure that when possible, it's not something they need to see.

[Aunt Kelly]

So the premise is a female SO who wants to crossdress and present as a male, not a transsexual who wants to transition. Fine.
I have not problem at all with this. It might even be fun. Granted, I don't understand the fascination with male clothes, shoes, and hairstyles, but if it makes her happy, I support it. There. Was that so hard?
Now, let's look at the well-worn reality that GG's can wear just about anything they want without creating much of a stir. They've been doing it for a long time. It's so well accepted that the premise is largely invalid as a comparison.

[Teresa]

Joni,
I have thought about this a few times , and asked the question in my DADT thread , "Would uou put your partner through DADT ?" How cruel and hurtful would you be ?

Ok for a moment I was going to be flippant and say you just described my wife , facial hair and all !

To be serious, I was talking to a TS and she said a clinic n Manchester had as many if not more F/M CDers, so more people are having to face the question you posed.

To be a total hypocrite I couldn't live with it, so how does that leave me with my situation ? Do I do the right thing and walk away from my marriage to be fair to my wife ?

[Tina_gm]

It's almost impossible to even truly imagine this. I say that because we would have to be cis gendered. We automatically have an understanding of this and most likely have a default way of looking at it from a stand point of we would be accepting, compassionate, willing to learn and etc etc etc.

But, this still does make for a great thread in terms of what we do ask of our partners.

I would also interject that even with our built in understanding, how would we feel going to the beach, or anywhere in public for that matter and our wife or partner reveals her hairy legs, underarms, bushy eye brows and androgynous if not masculine clothing, hair cut and mannerisms. We may not run for the door, but will we "like it"?

[Stacy Darling]

It's a difficult ask to think as a non crossdressing straight male, so I can only say that I married a very feminine woman and most likely would not accept any changes.
Now, If I were to look at the situation through my rose coloured glasses, I could see it very differently!
stacy

[Rogina B]

To be a total hypocrite I couldn't live with it, so how does that leave me with my situation ? Do I do the right thing and walk away from my marriage to be fair to my wife ?

Teresa,To me,you are just "fanning your smoldering fire". It is your LACK of freedom to express yourself that is bothering you,not deep gender issues based on some of your posts. Your "fantasy new life" will not be a "whole life" and you know that and that is the reason for your inaction. Many post here are "self ramping" in that it is support of their situation they are seeking rather than taking thoughtful action to help change it.

[~Joanne~]

Then one day, out of the clear blue, your SO tells you that she wants to dress as a male

I would say this has already happened with most women out there seeing they buy a lot of men's clothing for themselves. It's funny because when I do go by a men's section in whatever store I am in, I see more women in it than men. Now, I don't know if they are buying things for their SO or not but I do know that my SO buys a lot of men's things for herself, due to sizes and such.

[Rachael Leigh]

I do think I would be a bit uncomfortable with it but if this was something that she needed made her happy and we could
find ways to enjoy it together I don't think it would be a real problem. People change learning to adapt to it is what makes
life interesting

[kimdl93]

....Many post here are "self ramping" in that it is support of their situation they are seeking rather than taking thoughtful action to help change it.

I strongly agree with this observation. I'm guilty, as perhaps all of us are, of projecting my particular situation - either as I perceive it or wish it to be, in my replies. its very difficult to step back from oneself to see the world from the perspective of others. " O wad some Power the giftie gie us, to see oursels as ithers see us!" And if I could humbly paraphrase Robert Burns, "to see others as they see themselves"

[char GG]

So, one step further. I have a god-son who was my god-daughter. She was an absolutely beautiful girl! She started taking male hormones when she was in her early 20's. Two years ago, he saved up enough money to have his breasts removed. 2017 he had a total hysterectomy (he is now in his late 20's) and had insurance. (Haven't heard of any further surgery at this point). He has a full on beard, tattoos, looks very much a male at this point. He is a super nice and very good looking guy! But he struggles finding a girlfriend because at that age, any potential girl looking at life would see a partner who is really a nice person but doesn't have the equipment of a male. Potential girl would be looking a adopting or other methods to have children. If someone could see past that, he may find the love of his life.

How would you react to your SO's taking their CDing this far? Far enough that they can't switch back and forth between girl to guy mode?

[Stephanie47]

I've mentioned this incident several times on threads here. Last year I was stopped next to a cement mixer. This totally and I mean totally gorgeous creature alit from the truck's cab. She was wearing steel toed boots, jeans, flannel shirt, reflective vest and hard hat. Darn, her smile was radiant. She had blond hair which I admit was long, but, if her hair was short she would still be drop dead gorgeous. Wow! Her femininity was unmistakable. Now, stick a rolled up sock down her jeans to simulate a well endowed male. Add a false beard and mustache. Walk down the street kicking her legs out. I'd laugh my ass off! :) It would be comical. Now, if she were my wife I'd have a serious conversation able how silly it looked. If she persisted I'd suggest some psychotherapy. I'd go along with her to a couple's session. I suppose a psychologist would tell me she is exploring her inner man. Meet Sam instead of Samantha. Maybe I'd tell her, OK! But stay at home, I don't want the neighbors to see you, please. And, definitely no strap on dildo in the bedroom! I'd be really firm on that point!

[Jenny22]

This post made me wonder how many female CDers (or who identify as transmen, but not TS) members there are in this forum. Are there any stats on point?

[Micki_Finn]

Joni I appreciate what you are trying to say and generally feel where you're coming from, but I'm afraid that this was a bad analogy to make your point as it's asking the readers to go outside of themselves and try to project their feelings into an artificial situation when what you're really trying to do is provoke a visceral, emotional response.

[Brandy Fromdaburg]

How would you react to your SO's taking their CDing this far? Far enough that they can't switch back and forth between girl to guy mode?
At that point they are no longer just crossdressing and I would not be happy about it.

[Tina_gm]

I've mentioned this incident several times on threads here. Last year I was stopped next to a cement mixer. This totally and I mean totally gorgeous creature alit from the truck's cab. She was wearing steel toed boots, jeans, flannel shirt, reflective vest and hard hat. Darn, her smile was radiant. She had blond hair which I admit was long, but, if her hair was short she would still be drop dead gorgeous. Wow! Her femininity was unmistakable. Now, stick a rolled up sock down her jeans to simulate a well endowed male. Add a false beard and mustache. Walk down the street kicking her legs out. I'd laugh my ass off! :) It would be comical. Now, if she were my wife I'd have a serious conversation able how silly it looked. If she persisted I'd suggest some psychotherapy. I'd go along with her to a couple's session. I suppose a psychologist would tell me she is exploring her inner man. Meet Sam instead of Samantha. Maybe I'd tell her, OK! But stay at home, I don't want the neighbors to see you, please. And, definitely no strap on dildo in the bedroom! I'd be really firm on that point! are you really being this hypocritical or showing a context of why or how our wives view us and relate to us.

[Laurana]

I'd be pissed. If I found out the person I married had been hiding this kind of secret and lying about who they really are there'd be plenty of yelling. I wouldn't be able to trust them anymore.

[Teresa]

Rogina,
You are so wrong, you make these assumptions without knowing all the facts. My actions will happen at my accord and not through being goaded on the forum. To make the next step has to be thought through, some members on the forum are providing the right support and giving me the chance to make the right decision.
I am also finding support through my social group, actual face to face conversations with other CDers and TSs is proving invaluable.

The apparent reason for my inaction is putting others first , yes at times I am frustrated by it and I've also seen the deep regrets of others in transition . At my age I have to know there is happiness to be had if I take the next big step , I'm not going to risk losing everything to prove the point I'm not in fantasy land, your comments are unnecessary , goading other members borders on trolling.

Mikki,
I disagree with you, if you read my previous reply some people and I'd assume possibly partners/husbands are facing this scenario . As I said over half of the people attending a gender clinic in Manchester are F/M TGs . I'm assuming this was the point Joni was making and not just the old chestnut of women being CDers because they wear trousers more than skirts or dresses .

I could go on to talk about a situation in my social group but that would be unfair on the people concerned.

[Lana Mae]

Agree with Laurana!
Teresa, it is your journey and only you can determine what and when! Understand that, Rogina is happy with where she is on her journey and wants everyone to enjoy their journey also but gets a little impatient at times! Rogina wants you to be honest with yourself is all!
Hugs Lana Mae

[MWCMDarlene]

I'm not sure that anyone can honestly say how that they would respond or react to this scenario until it actually happens. It has never happened to me, but a scenario happened a couple of years ago.....My wife is an elementary school teacher, and at the end of the school year, the school hosts a "Field Day" for the students which is a day of games and fun outside on the playground.

Well, as a prank, maybe as a part of a skit that the teachers were performing for the students, my wife and another teacher donned a fake mustache. They both took photos and sent them to various people as a joke. I received the photo of them both. I admit, it was rather odd-looking, to see your wife sporting a mustache. Even though it was all in fun and a joke, when she came home, she was still wearing it. To be honest, it sort of unsettled me a bit, and in my mind, I was thinking and wondering how she feels/felt when I adorn feminine clothes and on a couple of occasions in our 30 years of marriage, ahs caught me wearing a bra with forms under a t-shirt.

I would like to think and believe that I would be supportive of her if this was something that she wanted to do or felt the need to do, and attempt to be more supportive of her in that decision than what she is of me in dressing in women's clothing and our D.A.D.T. relationship over the issue.

[Teresa]

Lana,
I have always been honest and up front with members on the forum in fact I have possibly said too much, what is the point in exaggerating or as it's put " ramping it up ". I'm not sure if it's impatience or just goading out of boredom with the forum , this is suppose to be a help forum . Many of us get enough problems dealing with home life let alone members taking pot shots at other members. Perhaps there is too much of a cultural difference between some parts of the US and the UK or maybe just different standards !

[TrishaLake]

You know what? If I love her, I would support her as much as I could having the knowledge to make sure that when possible,

I could not have said it any better...if you love someone you love them period

- - - Updated - - -


So, one step further.

How would you react to your SO's taking their CDing this far? Far enough that they can't switch back and forth between girl to guy mode?

I do understand the difference here, if someone wanted to fully transition , I do think that is different as the person would look different and possibly have different parts. I think there is a point where perhaps it is too far but many of dress part time and still have to deal with allot of backlash...or someone ignoring us.

[Rogina B]

So, one step further. I have a god-son who was my god-daughter. She was an absolutely beautiful girl! She started taking male hormones when she was in her early 20's. Two years ago, he saved up enough money to have his breasts removed. 2017 he had a total hysterectomy (he is now in his late 20's) and had insurance. (Haven't heard of any further surgery at this point). He has a full on beard, tattoos, looks very much a male at this point. He is a super nice and very good looking guy! But he struggles finding a girlfriend because at that age, any potential girl looking at life would see a partner who is really a nice person but doesn't have the equipment of a male. Potential girl would be looking a adopting or other methods to have children. If someone could see past that, he may find the love of his life.
This is the reality of F to M transition. The common ground that all of the alphabet kids share is that we are not what others expect us to be. I suspect that you can see that in your family. However,a crossdresser is unlikely to transition..

[CherylFlint]

My wife also approves, to the point that when she wants me to dress she’ll layout what she wants me to wear.
She does all the buying, mostly at thrift stores, and her sense of style is right-on target.
On our first date I told her I ‘dressed’ in order to relax. She asked me over to dress for her, so I did, and when I walked out of the bathroom she said, “Let me help you with your makeup”.
We’ve been married quite awhile, more than 10 years, and we have fun with me being a CD.
As she says, she has a real life doll to dress up.
She also says that there are a lot of women out there who wish their men would also ‘dress’.

[KrissyCD]

My wife also approves, to the point that when she wants me to dress she’ll layout what she wants me to wear.
She does all the buying, mostly at thrift stores, and her sense of style is right-on target.
On our first date I told her I ‘dressed’ in order to relax. She asked me over to dress for her, so I did, and when I walked out of the bathroom she said, “Let me help you with your makeup”.
We’ve been married quite awhile, more than 10 years, and we have fun with me being a CD.
As she says, she has a real life doll to dress up.
She also says that there are a lot of women out there who wish their men would also ‘dress’.


Wow you have an amazing women. I am sure many here including myself wish they had someone like this.

[phili]

I think this question gets to one of the difficult things for others who witness our crossdressing- it seems forced to them, or fetishistic, since we/the GG SO in the imaginary proposition are donning explicitly artificial items and presenting ourselves. The unspoken question is why be artificial in order to relate to real people? So the corollary is that we don't want to relate to real people, but to ourselves, or as others think, our imaginary selves.

So thus the pressure to pass- i.e. not look artificial or contrived or forced. Underlying this view, in our society, women who do a lot to look a certain way are seen as natural, and if we can do it too we are acceptably natural. I think a perfectly passing CD is more of an object of envy than fear.

This analysis underlies my approach- I can't pass no matter what I do, so I attempt to be 'natural' by not disguising my maleness, and explicitly just focusing on having the right to choose feminine clothing, just as women have the right to choose masculine clothing.

Therefore if my wife appeared in a toupee and beard, I would say- wait, I love your natural face, and your anatomical femaleness doesn't interfere with you being as masculine as you want. And I would hope that she would then discard the toupee and do much as I do.

Flannel shirts, overalls, boots, key rings, body hair- no problem. But if she loved tighty whiteys, I would have to work on that. I would take her shopping and encourage her to try other styles instead! But in the end, if she liked them better because they touched that spot inside where she wanted to feel relieved of everything girl- I'd understand.

[Roxanne]

When my wife and I were first dating and she would spend the night, she was wear my men's briefs under her skirt to work. She has been stealing my t-shirts and sweatshirts our entire marriage. If she wanted to take it to full CD, I don't think I'd have a problem with it. On the other hand, when we're out with a group of friends, I like the fact that she's attractive. Of course, if in male mode she wants to get a little kinky, who am I to complain.
By the way, we have gone to more than one Halloween party where we both cross dressed.

[Teresa]

Joni,
Maybe you could update your thread and explain if you were asking about females in transition or just the old subject of women wearing a variety of male clothes so inferring tongue in cheek they are CDers. Some of the replies suggest there is an uncertainty with the question.

I feel it is a question that has to be thought about considering the increase in F/M TGs.

[Rileyaz]

Well, as a prank, maybe as a part of a skit that the teachers were performing for the students, my wife and another teacher donned a fake mustache. They both took photos and sent them to various people as a joke. I received the photo of them both. I admit, it was rather odd-looking, to see your wife sporting a mustache. Even though it was all in fun and a joke, when she came home, she was still wearing it. To be honest, it sort of unsettled me a bit, and in my mind, I was thinking and wondering how she feels/felt when I adorn feminine clothes and on a couple of occasions in our 30 years of marriage, ahs caught me wearing a bra with forms under a t-shirt.


We had a few women at the office dress up to impersonate on of our male co-workers. One of the women I was close to had on a mustache and I found it strangely erotic and sexy. Too bad we were both married.

[Pumped]

My wife asked me how I would like it if she started wearing men's work boots and work shirts. I reminded her that she does, fairly often, but if it was up to her I would never wear anything female related. She wants her man to be manly, all the time but I can't ever be girly!

[Eva Bella]

This is always an interesting question. As much as women might feel more free to take on masculine traits, you just don't see them "crossdressing" with male names, painted facial hair, and an alter-ego.

I would of course accept this behavior from my fiancee, but I'm clearly biased here. I suspect that the VAST majority of men would never accept this kind of behavior from their SO's. The shame of being perceived as homosexual or deviant is way too strong. As rare as it is for a woman to accept CD'ing and whatnot from us, I think you could count the number of men on a few hands.

[Becky Blue]

It is hard to project of course, but I would hope that we would be able to come to an understanding that enabled her to be happy. Naturally we are all a very biased audience. I would not be upset that she had not told me as I would understand that its not something easy to deal with.

[Stephanie47]

are you really being this hypocritical or showing a context of why or how our wives view us and relate to us.

Reference my post at #15. Ah, another case of just reading the words without having any voice inflection. Really, some of these what if's get really really old. Have you ever seen a woman going to the extent I described out in the wild? I've never seen it. Maybe on comedy television shows or on Halloween. I think it is really demeaning to suggest a woman would go through all which has been described to emulate a man. Never seen a case of a transgender man wearing a false beard, but, that's not the subject of the post. If the cement truck driver I saw was intentionally trying to emulate a man (NOT) she did not succeed. Femininity exuded from her.

Now, if I was a husband who has zero knowledge of cross dressing I probably would act in the manner I described. How do you think the general public would view a woman going to the extent described? I think they would act that way. And, there is more comedy or head shaking because the societal reaction would definitely not be the same as a man dressed as a woman. The entire bathroom issue is based on the erroneous belief cross dressing men are perverted and a danger to women and girls.

I'd bet my last sou that any man without any cross dressing history would react exactly as I described.

[Tina_gm]

Oh I get it about how a man without CD history would react. But the question was how would WE react. And I have seen what amazes me quite often is the complaints of some on here about their wife not being feminine enough.... Some have even gone on to admit THEY couldn't handle what they do if it was their wife. Well, Kudos to those at least who admit that. And since I was not sure of what you were saying, without the inflection which is why I asked the question as to what you were really meaning.

[NicoleScott]

I'd say "Sure, if it makes you happy. Let's go DADT on that, OK?"

[Stephanie47]

The OP stated "imagine you're not a CD-er and know nothing about it." Additionally, women do not have to go to such an extent to try to appear masculine. Women in all probability suffer in the same way men who cross dress suffer. Exactly how much body modification is necessary for a woman to pass as a man within the context of a cross dresser, not a transmale? My granddaughter has taken up some new fashion statement of wearing men's flannel shirts. She's prowling the Goodwill racks looking for them. Too bad I'm several sizes bigger than her. If she were to wear men's jeans, which my daughter wore because men's jeans had pockets and women's did not, even if she cropped her hair short she is still going to look like the beautiful young woman she is. Add a false beard and she'd be laughed off the street because she just does not have the physical ability to pull it off. My wife has a transgender second cousin who is transitioning from a petite young woman to a petite feminine appearing young man. Maybe she will want to grow a beard, but, that's not cross dressing.

If my wife put on a false beard and put a rolled up sock in her pants leg I really think she would need some therapy. Why? Because only insecure men of the 1950's rolled up socks and tried to enhance the visual for girls because of their innate sexual insecurity. Maybe she would need to be shown what a man who is secure in his status actually does. Maybe my attitude is reflected in the fact that at age 70 I do not wear fishnets stockings, micro mini skirts and go-go boots and excessive makeup.

[Judy-Somthing]

Not that my wife wants to dress like a man but she stopped wearing dresses about 30 years ago.
She's a sz 10 and would look so great in a sexy dress.
I gave up about 15 years ago trying to get her to wear a dress for me.
I would love it even if she only wore it at home.

I would love to see her in a floral summer dress but, I guess the only one around that would wear a floral summer dress is me!