Coming out

[gerri ray]

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. What would you ladies say is the appropriate age of children to inform them of your dressing? I have 4 adopted kids(which are family members) whom more or less know of my dressing. They have all seen my nails done and asked questions. My wife just tells them that "I'm her lab rat that she sees what colors look good." They have noticed some of my tops and pants are women's. I'm wondering if it's time to talk with them?

[Jaylyn]

I think it would depend on the maturity of the child before they are told. Some kids probably should never be told especially if they are a son that looks up to male roles and are not able to handle that his male model is a CD. Also you might be surprised what kids can tell their teachers in schools so if you want it to remain is secret dressing mode out side the home.

[Pat]

Naturally it's going to vary based on the individual kid and on you. If you're thinking you might tell them and then swear them to secrecy, I'd suggest you not tell them at all -- it's not fair to add a stressor to their lives and then cut them off from their sources of support. If you tell them, it's not your secret any more. Regardless of if you tell them or not, they're likely to figure stuff out on their own if they're seeing evidence of it. At that point you probably have a small window in which to come out and retain their respect. If you lie and they know you're lying, they'll lose respect and trust -- that loss will cut across the board, effecting anything you tell them from then on. I'm not making it sound easy, I guess. The only good defense (in my opinion) is total honesty and owning the result. And you can do that with kids of any age.

[Genny B]

All but one of mine was in their thirties when I told them. They all took it well and it I had it to do over again I would not do it any sooner.

Genny B

[TrishaLake]

Personally I don't see ay reason to tell him atlas now for the time being...

[alwayshave]

With kids, wait till they ask a question unless you get caught outright fully enfemme.

[Nikki.]

I found this documentary by the daughter of a transgender woman to be very interesting. for me it was probably a bit of confirmation bias, reinforcing my decision and my wife's desire that i not be out to my kids and very locally until my youngest is close to done with high school. YMMV.

http://www.pbs.org/pov/fromthisdayforward/

edit: and i agree with pat about the lying part. if i get caught by them, i will
own it.

[Leslie Mary S]

I told my children when the youngest was 39 and after their mother was passed away for over 8 years. That was after the second time I went out the second time.

[Majella St Gerard]

I have a 3 year old grandson and a 7 year old grand daughter and they have seen me through my journey into crossdressing, they accept it. They do ask questions and I tell them that I like to dress this way, all people are different.

[Bobbi46]

If there is no immediate reason for you to tell then don't tell, let them do the asking rather than forcing a situation on them that they may not want to completely know. I would wait and see. If the questions get more enquiring then let the cat out of the bag completely. Up till then I would leave things as they are.

[bridget thronton]

I waited till mine were in college (so they were adults). If they asked me questions before then I would have opened up sooner.

[jhasmine]

My 17 year old know but my 6 year old does not. Well my wife does not want her to know. Most likely because I have not told my brothers, mother, father, friends ( or wait, i have no friends ) and other family members. I would say the proper age would be, when everyone else knows. Your little ones will always love you but their ears know no secret and their mouths have no filters. So be ready to let the world know before you tell them. Hope that helps.

[Roslynsimm17]

Only a close family friend knows that I dress along with my wife not sure when I tell our children, my wife says they will not be told at all.

[jhasmine]

Only a close family friend knows that I dress along with my wife not sure when I tell our children, my wife says they will not be told at all.

What your wife is saying does not make sense to me and might make you feel uncomfortable. Sorry to see you going through this but keep your head up. Time changes the feelings of everyone. First, you must work on your confidence, then your wife will see you blossom which will build her confidence, then, have the discussion again. Let her know that you would like your kids to know as you feel like you are betraying them by having to hide things from them when you tell them to come talk to you about anything.

We will always hit bumps in the road, dealing with those bumps with your head up seems to work best.

Good Luck.

[Leslie Mary S]

My thought is that the children will figure it out without you telling them.
Just don't lie about it when they ask.

[gerri ray]

I've been pondering it over and reading the advice given here. I'll just wait to answer questions. My 8 year old daughter probably has more or less added things up. She likes to paint my toes. She asked to do paint them again tonight. They may not be the best nails, but it gives me an excuse to wear them out with pride.

[NicoleScott]

What is the need to know? Is it so you can dress openly at home but under the guise of diversity education?

[Rhanda]

Apparently you have come out to your wife. The children in a family always expect the truth from the parents and can tell every time when you are hiding something. Don't hide things from them because someone else will eventually reveal your secrets to them. Then it will be difficult to explain that you are not ashamed of something. Get it over with. you may have some difficulty at first, but the time will come when they will accept who you are and love you for having them in the family.

Rhanda

[Sarah Doepner]

Three of my four adopted children knew about me while they were still teenagers, although I didn't know that. One had figured it out and shared it with his siblings. throughout those tempestous years they never threw it in my face or used it against me, something I expected would have happened. When I finally told them they were all adults and have been fine with it. Kids are more mature that I ever expected.

Now I understand some of my younger grandchildren know, although I haven't discussed it directly with them. None behave any differently than before. It may be a crap shoot, but it's getting to look like the odds are not always against us with the younger generation. It has a lot to do with how you taught them to accept diversity and how love and forgiveness work to strengthen a family.

Good luck.

[Teresa]

Gerri,
My feeling is there's never a good time because you never know how they are going to take it .
I personally believe not until they are adults, from my own experience kids go through so much of their own problems right through schooling and into university, dealing with your problems on top is unfair, they need you more than you need them at that age.
My kids were in their thirties when they both finally knew , they were married with their children and handled it well, even telling their marriage partners .
I'm not 100% out because they haven't seen me but they know I go out socially and are perfectly OK with that , my wife is more accepting because she doesn't have the fear of any surprises , if they see me then that's the final hurdle but no major drama .

[Rachelakld]

I've 3 stepdaughters and the youngest (4th) is mine.

I informed the oldest when she was 22 and was back home doing a year of University, she used to believe only in black and white until she was 21.
next was 14 when i informed her, she was mature and understood "variations" of black & white (this was 5 years before I told her older sister), she liked exploring our "adult stuff"
next was 13, had a trans (M to F) BFF and her 14 year old sister are very close and "share all their secrets"
my daughter was 10, it was the same time as I told the other 2.

But like I said, the oldest was not mentally open to "variations" until she did her psychology paper, hence the 5 year wait, the 5 years of the others hiding "girlie presents" for my christmas and birthdays.

my blog has a photo with me (Rachel) with my youngest 14 June 2013, having hair issues.